Help controling meltdowns

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As I mentioned before my 10 soon to be 11 year old son was dx with AS over the summer. He suffers from horrible meltdowns it seems lke any little thing will set him off. We are working with his counsler on the issue but the ideas he has suggested just do not seem to be working. some of the things he wants us to try are:

When the melt down starts try and have him tell us how he is feeling and why he is feeling this way.
If he is unable to tell us we should tell him how we think he is feeling.
We should try and hold him to help him calm down like you would with a small child

We have been trying these things bit all they seem to do is exsculate the situation. He tells us he he can not tell us why he is so upset. Then if we try telling him what we think is bothering him like he is frustrated because his brother is picking on him (like brothers normally do). He screams at us telling us we can not tell someone how they feel. From what I have been told melt downs are common with the disorder. He says some very nasty and mean things to us during these fits. I know or I hope he does not mean the things he says. I guess what I would like to know is has anyone delt with this and if so what things have they done to help their child. He keeps saying he does not like to melt down and wants to be able to talk to us about it but does not know how. I know that I have rambled on but I am at my wits end.

Thanks

Don't worry, we have plenty of posts about this subject.

For starters: trying to have a logical conversation with your child about emotions mid meltdown is about as effective as trying to stop a run away train with kind words. It is indeed a good idea to talk about emotions, meltdowns, and all that, AFTER the meltdown is over and the child has calmed down. But doing it during the meltdown is a losing proposition.

That being said, here are some threads you may find useful:

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postp2387282.html

There was somebody there with a similar problem, and I think that I gave some good advice that you might also find useful

and then:

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt108580.html

Again, a similar situation, but it has some more responses (Including my wonderful analogy) that you may also find useful.

If you have any further questions, or need clarification, feel free to ask.

A lot of my meltdowns are caused by sensory overload. Here's a book that helped me a lot -

Too Loud, Too Bright, Too Fast, Too Tight: What to Do If You Are Sensory Defensive in an Overstimulating World

If I had to try to help a child in meltdown, I would try this:

A weighted blanket (10% of body weight - could you try a heavy jacket or even a small rug? Does he sometimes like to be held tightly or not at all?

A kid-size pup tent, blue, as a special safe place for him. Never cross that boundary. It can be with the family, let him decide. Maybe where he can still see the TV.

Change all light bulbs to daylight. This is not the same as the Ott sunlight lamp, which is also a good idea.

Air purifier in his room and other rooms he frequents.

Silencer ear muffs, or ear plugs if you trust him with them.

What to say? I guess when he's calm you could say you're going to try things to see if they make him feel better, and would he like to try them.

Oh - try getting a cheap pair of light blue sunglasses and see if his world looks better that way. Most of my world looks poison mustard if I don't do the daylight light bulbs and light blue lenses.

Last edited by Claradoon on 20 Oct 2009, 7:37 am, edited 1 time in total.

Love pup-tent idea. I'm doing this today.

Tracker, you DO have a bent for the analogy! Stealing the train one for IEP meeting today.

Ann

James who is 8 sees a psychologist (sp?) and we have been trying to find things that help calm him,during a meltdown, like deep breaths. Which is not working very well. So he had a meltdown a while ago and afterwards we were talking about it.I was asking him if he tried to take deep breaths (it happened at school) also he seems to open up more in the car. Anyway I asked him what would make him better as in if he was in a meltdown cause he was mad or sad. Would chewing help or squeezing something? He told me something funny! Ok like what? He said peek- a boo is funny. I said so if some one plays peek a boo you would feel better and he said yup. So a few days later he had a meltdown because he said his brother was bothering him at first i tried talikng to him and would that did not work. I played peek a boo and at first he just smiled then he kinda yelled "I am mad" I didi it o few more times and he started laughing and in less than 1/2 the time he was better!

So to make a long story short, to my surprise asking him helped.

Different people have different causes. Common ones are Overstimulation (sensory issues), poor nutrition, and poor sleep.
I would recommend you address all three. Whatever you do, don't listen to any quacks out there promoting "alternative therapies". Try changing the child's diet to a much more healthy, natural diet. Avoid such things as artificial ingredients, atificial sweeteners (like corn syrup or high fructose corn syrup), and anything processed. Stick to fresh meats, vegetables, etc. You would be surprised how much better the child will feel (or even you) eating fresh foods. This made a huge difference in my life. happy tummy, and happy body equals stable mind.
Exercise is another key component with the nutrition. Some sort of physical activity will make you feel better. Exercise also leads to better sleeping patterns. Children meltdown much quicker when they are not getting enough sleep. even 30 minutes to an hour less than normal makes a big difference in some children. Try to stick to a strict regimen of same time bedtime everyday, even on weekends. Your body will react when you change your schedule. If they have difficulty going to sleep, use melatonin. It commonly helps those on the spectrum settle their mind enough to go to sleep.

There are some good posts, above, and I'll one additional thing that has helped with my son: letting him engage in totally odd (to us) repetitive physical behaviors at home. In our case, its pacing. Not just walking back and forth, but moving with wild arm movements and noises, bumping into and climbing on furniture, etc. This is something my son needs to do to release energy and calm himself down. When he paces regularly, meltdowns are rare. When he can't, they are more likely. Other AS kids may find swinging or using a trampoline to help; something repetitive and physical. Too often we parents don't realize the function of these behaviors and try to stop them. With an AS child, I believe, that is a mistake. Let go a little and see what happens.

I agree with the last post. Stimming is relaxing, a way of releasing stress. most people who stop it, or try, do so because it embarrasses them or annoys them. When in a safe environment like home, repetitive behaviors that don't hurt anyone can serve to relax an individual. As they get older, they can learn to try to do them in private, where it doesn't affect others as much.

What I've learned is that once the meltdown is underway there is no way to control it, and the best course of action is to find a quiet, safe, comfortable place for my son to calm down and let the meltdown run its course. Then, only after everyone is calm and has a clear head which sometimes could take a day or two, talk about the factors that led to the meltdown and discuss strategies to head them off or minimize them in the future. This has led to changes in our environment at home and in my parenting style that have reduced the number, frequency, intensity, and duration of meltdowns over time. At this point, my son hasn't had a full-blown meltdown in a couple of years. The most recent one was relatively minor, and it lasted maybe an hour which is a huge improvement as in the past meltdowns could ruin your whole day or even several days.

What has really helped is that over the past 3-4 yrs we've focused on helping my son identify his feelings/emotions, and help him to process them, and teach coping strategies for things like anger and jealousy (e.g., taking deep breaths). Anger and jealousy seem to be the two emotions that feed meltdowns (my son can be extremely jealous of his older brother). I think what was really happening, was that he would get emotionally "stuck" on some issue and not understand within himself what he was feeling or why, and not know how to express himself or what to do about it. So, in my experience, the key to success has been coaching my son through his emotions, giving him the language he needs to express himself, and giving him a safe place and safe methods to express himself. In a way, it seems as if he has "grown out of" the meltdowns, and this has to do with emotional growth or emotional maturity. I would like to believe that this emotional maturity has something to do with my role as his Emotional Coach. But of course, my son deserves most of the credit here.

The most important message I have given my son in these meltdowns, that I feel has helped him mature emotionally, is: "It is okay for you to feel anger. I will always love you, no matter how angry you are, even if you are angry at me."

My son calls his emotions his "life". He says that it is inside him and it controls his behavior and he can't stop it. It is not "him" doing whatever, it's his "life". His life I have learned is anger and frustration, primarily for not getting his way. I agree with DenverDave. Once your child is aware of his feelings and has the ability to learn to recognize them and work through strategies it is very helpful. My son has social skills class at school and they are working hard on feelings now and it's really nice because it gives us a lot of opportunity to talk about and work through things a situation at a time. They have him draw pictures too of things that he feels. That has been extremely helpful in getting inside his head.

I wonder if your therapist really understands the AS mind. You cannot talk to a kid in a meltdown, and it's true that it may be days after before your child is able to talk about it. Bad experiences, at least for my son, seem to hang forever. I just had a 3 month stint with a therapist who doesn't understand, she looks at my son as a spoiled only child, and her approach is on the negative side, and her advice does not work with my son. He is VERY sensitive and he hated her and he had no qualms about letting her know. I did the things that she said and his behavior was horrible, very rebellious. I stopped, and he is doing really well, cooperating most of the time and he has had good days ever since.

Maybe you should ask your therapist how much she works with autistic kids. You may need to find one that understands more and listens better. You know your child better than they do. My therapist didn't listen to or believe a thing I said and it was a big waste of money.

He doesn't mean the things he says in meltdowns. Just try to imagine frustration so overwhelming and painful that you just have to let it out. The way he's doing this is by striking at the world. It's the whole world that feels like it's picking on him in his mind.

That's how it is for me, anyway. When I calm down I feel awful if I've said nasty things to people, especially those I care about.

Very interesting parallel MommyJones, my son deals with a lot of frustration too. Its heart-breaking, really, to see him want so badly to be organized, do well in school, and socialize like NTs, and hit brick wall after brick wall. Nowadays, when I feel frustrated at life, the universe, or everything, all I have to do is think about the frustrations my son deals with on a daily basis and my own issues seem small and inconsequential by comparison.



Thank you for the insight, IMForeman. My son often feels the same way too, and this creates more frustration. He sincerely regrets some of the things he has said, but when he is "in the moment" I believe he has trouble controlling his mouth. He is aware of this, and it adds to the frustration. And I can relate too! I've said many things I have regretted later. I'm still working on this, as a matter of fact. I think this a challenge that both Aspies and NTs share...controlling the mouth. I'll always remember a motivational slogan poster from the second grade (early 1970s...when did I get so old?) that said "Engage brain before putting mouth into gear" hanging on the wall next to the "Officer Friendly" poster. Some people never learn! (<-- self-depracating comment).

I know exactly what you are going through my son is 14 and tells me that he hates me and wants me out of his life then 15 mins later he comes out of his room as if nothing has happened it very hard i know i have just read a book that helped a lot the book is available online and is helping me so much to understand,I have to keep thinking to myself it must be just as hard on him my wife can handle him better than i can but im learning its hard with 3 other children that just cant understand it especially my 16 yr old daughter who has just tried to run away because of the horrible and nasty things he says to her any way i wish you all the best and im sure they dont mean what they say if you would like to look at the books i have available i have a link here on my site.dealing with aspergers