Daughter doesn´t understand rules when playing with others

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I have a huge problem that kind of scares me.
(My daughter doesn't have an AS diagnosis but her father does and I guess that she atleast has some traits.)

She have a hard time understanding playing with others, she thinks roleplaying like "house" has rules that she needs to understand and playing with her siblings things seem to clash every single day.

Just now her little brothers were playing knights with their plastic shields and swords, the one you can buy at toystores, she grabbed an "armour" and put it on and the next second she is sword "fighting" with her brother, but in her eyes are panic for one second then I promise! the absolute eyes of a grown up who is about to seriously hurt someone, like pure "hate" and determination and she started hacking her way on her brother.

I paniked and just tore the armour shield thing of her and yelled that she should go away, then I calmed down, realising that my own child managed to scare me, feeling very ashamed, then I went and said I was sorry and we talked, and then she said:
"I didnt understand he was going to play with the sword "on me" and I really fealt like it was for real and that I had to fight to get free"

OMG
Is this common? To missunderstand things like this is something she does evey day and because of it the siblings also take advantage of her anger blaming every single conflict on her


I don't know how to help her.

School says that she is very clever and there for they are resisting getting a possible diagnose untill "she has problems in school also".

I though feel we have huge problems at home and I feel that my 8 year old daughter is more a grown up than a child and since she has huge problems with playing with the siblings, yelling and fighting almost all day, as soon as a game isnt what she had imagined beforehand or just crying, being sad, cause they are all playing and she is standing on the outside looking in, not quite knowing how to get into the game.
She also has problems with eating and problems with things like homework and keeping some kind of order in her room (looks like a pile of trash since she collects boxes with aspie passion, remembers every old toy cardboard box and wants to keep them panikes if I toss them)

I don't know where to go from here, seeking help not going trough school in my country is a VERY long journey, and I dont even know how to do it and if to do it, what if there is no diagnosis to be found what if i mess her up completelly by dragging her through it all.
Are there other ways? Are there general ways to handle the social situation?

I feel like I have no tools for this, and a hard time knowing wheter this is an AS thing or a "growing up" thing in general.
My husband said he didnt have these problems growing up so he doesn't know either.

It sounds like she has AS to me. She seems to see that there are social rules and knows that she can't understand them, at least that's what I'm guessing from your post.

AS girls express things differently than AS guys sometimes. Games (with others) sometimes echo other things that are going on in a child's head.

While I remember having difficulty playing with others as a child, I don't remember anything that I think will help her.

There are many good people here, I would say that someone here has the experience to help.

It sounds like she got overwhelmed in that sword fight, and didn't know how to handle it. While there is also difficulty with real v. imagined, I think the main thing is to avoid intense situations like that. My son cannot handle them well at all, and our best answer has been to step in and pull him out before he has lost control.

With her siblings, you may need to facilitate play for a while. I did this for years with my son's friends, had them here instead of other houses, and kept an eye open for the conflicts. AS kids cannot handle play that does not go as expected, and will try to create and follow a script. NT kids are much more fickle. What they need is an adult to facilitate when this causes problems, and to help structure play in a way that prevents problems. Over time, she will learn. We've had so many conversations about bending like a tree in the wind ... it takes time. The other kids can be taught to meet her halfway, and not start down a road of play unless they are comfortable with the rules she sees and are ready to continue for a set time. Often I was negotiating the two sides, getting each to see how it is from the other point of view, and getting each to bend a little.

Roleplay with you might help her learn how to deal with play time with other kids. There is a list of As traits for females on the womens forum you might want to take a look at it could clear things up for you as men with AS are very difrent then women with AS.

Please don't wait for her to struggle in school to get a diagnosis! Please!

I'm at 21 year old female. I was diagnosed at 20 (20!!) with autism. Not Asperger's. Straight up, classic autism.

I got straight A's and 4.00s all the way through school. All the way through college.

Had I been diagnosed earlier, I may have gotten therapies and may not be in the position I'm in now, unable to maintain a full time job, unable to support myself, having to live at home with my parents because I can't do all the things that go into caring for myself. Please pursue a diagnosis for her now if you think one is warranted. Don't wait until she fails classes, because that day may never come.

Thank you both for your replies.
I think in a way I'am scared. When I saw the signs and talked to her school about it they first said that when they learned about her father having AS that they "thought a bit about her" (which I don't think they would if they didnt really suspekt it) but then when I said what to do, they said more or less "nothing at this point".
I called the school nurse but she sounded really surprised at a mother who wanted this when school said everything was fine so in a way I fealt like a strange/bad mother, like some kind of strange diagnose hungry hypocondric.

Do any of you think that she could be hurt by knowing, is that heard of?
I have been trying to say, when she is sad because of "playing with siblings going wrong again and again" that "I can see that you find this really hard, playing with others, and that since everyone is different, all have difficulties with different things, and that she could come to us grownups for help when things go wrong and we can help her in thinking about wheter things are really dangerous or a part of someones playing"
She said that she did find it difficult and that she would come to us, which she doesn't ofcaus as these things are something she tends to deal with herself, but also she has started thinking, saying things like
"I have my fathers brain, but my sister have a little bit of both or your brains" which kind of creep me out cause it's ike really intelligent observation for an 8 year old.

But she is really struggeling with these questions, and I wonder if it is becaue she is really clever or if it is because I draw attention to it saying i saw her difficoulties.

It's like i fear having brought on the problems with my words.
Talking to my husband about this a bit difficoult and so I'm stuck, I tend to be sad about her difficoulties and then he gets upset for it being "his fault that she has them"
really constuctive of us both

Well, maby calling the school nurse back again?
But I do feel scared.

My son was very self-aware by age 7, and had been developing theories to explain his differences ("I think my brain is too big," and so on). They KNOW they are different, and they are trying to understand how and why. For us, having a diagnosis really helped that process. It gave him real answers instead of guesses.

The whole thing is scary. We don't really know what the labels will mean at all times during a person's life. We were able to get a tentative diagnosis through the school and, since for now that covers all needs, decided to leave it at that so our son could choose or discard the label as an adult, his own choice. But when a child is clearly thinking about why and how they are different ... I think they want the answer.

Once we went into the evaluation process, a skeptical school saw much to work on with my son. Pragmatic speech was a big one, and counseling to help deal with the social issues. They formed a lunch bunch which he loved. He also got OT, but it doesn't sound like you have any markers for that with your daughter. OT outside of school will work on sensory integration issues, but OT within school is limited to motor skills.

You have a wonderful daughter. That part isn't scary at all. It's figuring out how to keep her road as smooth as possible, when you know as a parent how difficult growing up can be.

I soon figured out I was different, mostly because of school. It soon becomes obvious when you're with hundreds of your peers and you can't relate to them hehe.


Don't be creeped out by her observations. She sounds like a really smart kid. That's nothing creepy. It should serve her well.

I really don't think knowing about any diagnosis she gets will hurt her in any way. It's more likely to provide her with the context she is probably craving to have for herself. I grew up not knowing and can imagine having a much happier childhood if I had known.