Nervous about a manditory social obligation...

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Hi all.

My fiance has a 10 year old aspie son, Billy. They still live with her parents during the week, and spend weekends with me.

This Sunday, my sister is having her six month old son baptized in the Lutheran church. Baptisms in this particular church is part of a service, so Billy, his mom, and I will be attending the service. This is a non-optional social obligation. I am the godfather of my sister's daughter and stood with her and her husband when she was baptized. Since I am now divorced, my brother in law's brother and his wife are going to be the godparents.

Billy has never been to church. I am absolutely DREADING this! Asking him to sit quietly for an hour and a half with nothing to do will lead to declarations of "I'm BORED!! !" in a louder and louder voice until he gets his way. If we don't go, my sister will be devastated. If Billy acts out in church, his mother and my sister will be mortified.

Any suggestions?

I was tossing around the idea of taking a book for him to read, but I want him to know that he can't make running comments about it in a loud voice, which is what he usually does. I would like to allow him to take his Nintendo DS with headphones, but he has currently lost that due to extremely inappropriate behavior at school and won't be getting it back until sometime next week, plus when he wears headphones, he doesn't understand that the rest of the world around him is quiet and he speaks as if he is trying to talk over the headphones.

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Having been to both ELCA and Missouri Synod churches, I can't imagine there not being some understanding soul who has set aside a place for children to be attended to during the service.

I would suggest taking the chance and calling the Pastor's office and explining your situation and concenrs.

Billy and his mum, I take it, will be part of your whole family when you are both married. There for I wouldn't worry to much, your family have to get to know him sooner or later.

Having said all that, the book idea was the first one that came to my mind aswell. Perhaps you could pack him a small bag with some books, drawing stuff, gum (to keep his mouth occupied). Another thought I had was could he take photos for you? That way he isnt stuck in his seat and he has something to do (I wouldn't rely on the photos though).
Take him to the church before hand, so he is prewarned, do a whole nother service if you can.
Honestly though, don't worry. Its a church these people are supposed to be understanding and forgiving, parents with toddlers go through this all the time.

Some suggestions:

1. Talk with him a lot before the service. Like every day for a week before the service, and tell him this is a serious adult activity and how important it is to keep quiet and why. Basically, instill in him the understanding of what the service is about and what the expectations on his behavior will be, before the service. It probably won't head off inappropriate behavior, but at least there will be no surprises.

2. Have plenty of "quiet" activities for him to do during the service. A book to read, a coloring book or sketch pad, a gameboy are all good ideas.

3. Try to anticipate everything that can possibly go wrong, and make backup plans with your fiance to handle all likely scenarios. Like, if the child does X then we will respond with Y.

4. Setup a system of rewards for good behavior, like: If you are quiet for an hour and a half, you will get __ extra hrs of video game time. Bribes can a long way toward managing good behavior in these types of situations. We have bribed with video games, ice cream, money, you name it. One important thing here is make sure the child is involved in this planning, see suggestion 1, so he knows what's in store for him if things go well.

5. Get the child a watch, so he can keep track of time during the service.

6. Prepare yourself for the possibility that things will not go well, even with these suggestions and suggestions others may make. As a last resort, if nothing works, perhaps your fiance can remove the child from the area to a quiet place or outside and wait until after the service.

Good luck. Hope some of this helps

A lot of good suggestions. My son has only been to church i think 3 times. One was a funeral (in which he actually did well, but had a lot of leg swinging. It was my NT daughter that was out of hand) and two were communions. I took his favorite book and he read it most of the time and was really good. The first time he went to church was an awful experience. This was before his AS dx. So, i decided to do the book thing and it worked...for him! He isn't into reading, but he loves Captain Underpants. Nothing like boogers and wedgies to occupy his time!

I agree with all the suggestions.

I also might suggest that you have an "escape plan" - most churches have a lobby or foreroom. If he gets out-of-hand (even with all the prep), have a designated family member take him out of the situation.

Also, if the minister can be flexible, there might be a way that he/she can have the baptism earlier in the order of service in order to accommodate this unique situation. It certainly wouldn't hurt to suggest it...

You've gotten some very reasonable suggestions (books, drawing supplies, gum) here and any or all of them are likely to help.

I only wanted to add that as a (then) undiagnosed Aspie kid, I was taken to church every time the doors were unlocked and learned to behave because there were simply standards set and I was expected to adhere to them. Even had my parents known about my disorder, it would not have changed their expectations one bit. I know its a new environment and a strange new experience, but 'be very quiet' is a simple concept. So is respect for others, whether you share their priorities or not.

Ten is a bit old for inappropriately loud talking and "I'm BORED" tantrums in any case. Its one thing to be understanding of someone's handicap, but too much special compensation just leads to an attitude of selfish entitlement.

I second the idea of a test-run at another service beforehand. Its true church folk are generally fairly tolerant of children's behavior, but there is a point at which you have to take them out of the sanctuary if they create too much disturbance. Surely a ten-year old has enough self-control to fidget relatively quietly for an hour.

Of course Mom should have instilled these proper behaviors well before this age, but what do I know, I'm just a grumbly curmudgeon who behaved in church or got tanned.

Hi Jimbeaux, nice to see you around. You've already gotten some very good suggestions, so I'll mostly add that one thing I consider important is conveying to Billy that while you know it will be hard for him, and appreciate the effort its going to take, that you believe in him, that he CAN do this. It's a challenge for him, an opportunity to make you proud. And make himself proud. Talk about it, about what is expected, why. Let him know you understand its hard, bring things to mitigate the boredom, then tell him its only an 1 1/2, a chance to see how long he can keep himself reigned in.

One more idea on the things to do is give him a notebook and pencil, to write down questions and observations. If he's anything like my son, he is very curious and all this will be new and possibly even interesting to him. He'll just be wishing he didn't have to stay quiet.

I have to say, my kids have always done me proud when it counts most. Funerals, weddings ... they've been angels. Day to day they are very challenging, but they know to pull it together for the big stuff. It's amazing what kids will do when they understand that this one time is a little different.

Thank you all for your suggestions. I shall implement some and I'll let you know how it turns out.

I've never heard of an uncle being a godfather. In fact I wasn't aware that Lutherans did godparents I thought it was mainly a catholic thing.

To me a godfather is someone you rarely see, occasionally sends you stuff, has a pet name of you based on you initials because they find it amusing, and is an old friend of the family.

My dad is a godfather for somebody, though he lost contact with the family for twenty years due to joining the foreign office and posted abroad. He did eventually meet up with his friend and goddaughter, in fact he has just been to his book launch.

I am an atheist. I don’t go to Christmas Mass with my family, but I am happy to get into the spirit of togetherness, etc. I will go to my sister’s wedding, which will be catholic but possibly in a CE church with the vicar doing some payers. My sister has some faith, although I think, like a lot of things, she is really interested in the aesthetic of church going on special occasions, and also the romantic notion of a church wedding. I will brave it for her even though I don’t really like my extended family, and family friends. My sister is very good at the guilt trip (she could work for the security services with her powers of persuasion), I’m not even going to put up any resistance.

The worst part of a catholic mass is incense. It smells horrible. Occasionally you get an angry priest that does a sermon that is contentious and shows just how out of touch they are with reality.

But yes it is not particularly interesting. I suggest giving him something to do that isn’t going to be too disruptive, such as reading material that are not too conspicuous.

Maybe you could teach him why her parents want her to be baptised, and how it is really important to be quiet during the ceremony? Perhaps say if he disrupts he gets a penalty, like none of the cake afterwards, or even a reward for him when he manages an hour and a half of quiet?

My husband is a Lutheran minister. I, too, would be quite willing to bet that there would be a nursery or cry room, which Billy could visit, if needed. Books are good, but you might try to get him interested in the service itself. Many congregations these days have the service printed in an easy to follow bulletin. If he can keep track of just how long he has left, he might feel a bit more control over the situation.

That said, my own kids don't sit through our entire service. I am the pianist and my husband is the minister, so they can't sit with us. They stay in the nursery until communion, then they sit with an older lady for the last two songs, and have snacks. My Aspie is 7 and his brother is 4. Our congregation is very accepting of kids and noise in general, but my two boys are definitely pastor's kids!

Well, as it turned out, we were all sick with the flu on the day of the Baptism, so we didn't end up going.

Thank you for all the good advice, though. I will keep it in mind for when we must do something like this again.