Open Letter: Grocery Shopping with Your Aspie Child

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Dear Parents of WrongPlanet:

The topic of shopping with a child keeps resurfacing thousands of times in many parenting forums, magazines, and psychology articles. I'm sure it's come up here more than once, I just haven't paid attention or don't remember when it happened. Anyway, I'd like to write an open letter to all parents (and legal guardians) on here. It will show the point of view of a child who goes grocery shopping with his/her parents, and provide some advice on how to interact with him/her. I will only talk about shopping with one child, because two or more have the collective bargaining power that an only child doesn't have. (I wasn't an only child, but my sister was so much older than me, that she had her own money for as long as I remember.) This post will refer mainly to aspie children, but parents of NTs may be able to take away something from it too. (The modifier "aspie" will generally be left off unless AS is relevant to the subject at hand, and to avoid the awkwardness of saying "he or she" each time, the pronoun "he" will be used.) Anyway, on with the letter.

Consider how a child might feel when he goes grocery shopping with his parents. Namely, consider what he sees and hears. He's walking next to them through the supermarket, past a plethora of all types of foods. They're picking things up as they go along, and drop them into a cart. Suddenly, they're walking through the cereal aisle, and when a child asks for a specific cereal, they say no, and take something else instead. He knows extremely well that he doesn't have the benefit of doing that. Now, if there's one thing that aspie kids feel strongly about, it's fairness. His parents have the option of buying whatever they please, while he doesn't, solely because they're adults and he's a child. It's unfairness at its worst!

Yes, I know that parents don't have complete freedom of buying what they want; they need to follow the budget limits and the nutritional guidelines. But I'm talking about the child's point of view here. He sees them just pick up items that catch their fancy and put them into the cart; when he tries the same, his parents tell him to put it back. A child (and this is probably more true with an aspie child) doesn't know that his parents are following some set of external demands; all he sees is his parents picking and choosing the items they desire. He, obviously, doesn't have the same luxury. Hence, the begging, the holding of breath, and the meltdowns. I would say they're more about the perceived unfairness than the desired item.

The best way is to let a child take his allowance money to the grocery store. Or, as an alternative, pay for it yourself but set a strict limit; then let the child get whatever he pleases, as long as it's no more than that. (Go by pre-tax prices, to avoid the frustration of going over by a small amount due to taxes. You can use post-tax prices for older children, to teach them percents, just raise the budget accordingly.) This way, the child can have the supposed benefit of doing the same thing he sees his parents do. You can still suggest healthier alternatives to the child's choice, such as getting dark chocolate instead of milk chocolate, just let the child make the final decision with his budget money. At the same time, parents have the final say, no matter what, on the rest of the products.

I'd like to add a personal anecdote, to give another insight into the unfairness factor. One morning, my parents had such a massive argument, it nearly led to a divorce. That evening, my parents and me went grocery shopping together. I picked up a package of spicy dried squid (a perfectly healthy snack if you ask me), and said: "Can I get one of this? It'll help me deal with the emotional stress." My parents brushed me off: "We have emotional stress too; you don't see us complaining." I was speechless, so I didn't continue asking. But it was the worst kind of unfairness. My parents had plenty of ways to deal with their emotional stress: going out with their friends, confiding in to a relative, eating something they enjoy, even drinking a little to take the edge off. I had none of those ways! I had no friends, relatives blabbed everything to my parents, begging for snacks was more trouble than it was worth, and I couldn't drink because I was 13 at the time.

So, that's everything. Feel free to comment on it, positively or otherwise. If this thread receives enough responses and facilitates some good dialog and/or healthy debate, I might start a multi-part Open Letter series on different situations, like I did with the Uncomfortable Experience with a Psychologist threads in the General Discussion forum.

Sincerely,
Aspie1.

We only take Jake to the big wearhouse stored because A. they have a snack bar so he can have something to eat befor we shop and B. The large open store is easier for him to deal with. We let him push the cart and pick out the cereal he likes and if he's extra good they have a DVD section and he can get one. This works for us but I leave him at home if I'm going to a normal store because it's too much got him to deal with, Bright lights, smells people pushing, loud music ect.. We do avoid the candy section because none of us need this but we're out of the sugar free gum we let him and his brother each pick a pack of what they would like to have. We do this about once sometimes twice a month. It's as much to work on skills as it is to buy food. This works for us some of this might work for other kids that get stressed out while shopping. Thanks Aspie1 for the prospective of the child sometimes we forget in the rush to get things done that we might be stressing our kids.

When my mother used to take me to the supermarket I used to walk off frequently. If her back was turned for just one second I would be off exploring the rest of the store. I guess there were probably a lot of interesting things to look at, and I never really liked standing in one spot for too long.

That's very well written.

I took my Aspie kid with me to the store on every visit, out of necessity (nobody to watch her if I'd left her). I engaged her the entire time - explaining why I was doing things, how to choose the best items, how the stores manipulated the displays to get you to buy more or to buy things you didn't go in there to buy. We never had a problem.... Even as a toddler, I'd have her help me pick things out - holding up two apples that were, for all intents, identical and having her pick the one we bought. She's a heck of a good bargain shopper now. I send her to the store and stay home!

Now, that said, I'll say this. Aspie or not, it's that way for all kids.

And then I'll say this, because someone should:

Life Isn't Fair. You Are Not Any More Special Than Anyone Else. People Will Say Things That Hurt Your Feelings. [Sometimes on purpose.] You Don't Always Get Everything You Want or Get To Have Everything Set Up or Work The Way You Think Is "Fair". People May NOT Really Like You Even If They Finally Get To Know Who You "Really" Are.

If you go out into the world expecting to be treated "decently" and "fairly" by everyone at every encounter you are in for some rude shocks. Yes, of course, everyone SHOULD, but should and "reality" are not necessarily the same. Better learn some coping mechanisms there, kiddo, for your own good!

But that's not fair!

I've heard many times that life is not fair. I get it and fully understand it. All kids learn this fairly early in life. I explained the unfairness to myself this way: bad things happen to me because society doesn't like people named [my real name]. (Pretty intense explanation for a child to come up with, I must add.) But self-pity talk aside (it was never the intention of this thread), please continue to the next paragraph.

Nan, you mentioned the importance of children (and not only children) learning that life is not, and may never be, fair. But let's also take coping mechanisms into the equation. What ways can people use to comfort themselves after they encounter serious unfairness in life? Adults have plenty of them, with the following being only a small subset:
* Buying a lower-priced, lower-quality substitute.
* Venting to an understanding friend.
* Confiding to a relative.
* Taking a walk in the park by him- or herself.
* Running a mile in the gym.
* Lifting heavy weights in a gym.
* Stuffing oneself full of cheap burgers.
* Eating a pint of rich, creamy ice cream.
* Smoking a cigarette.
* Drinking a few shots of vodka to take the edge off.
* Getting a prescription drug from a doctor to calm oneself down.
* Going out and doing an extreme sports activity of some sort.
* Spending all night on the internet.
* Looking at porn.
* Going out dancing in a club.

What ways of comforting themselves do NT kids have?
* Complaining to a friend who can't do much beyond listening.
* Using social manipulation tricks to get parents to give them what they want.
* Playing a competitive sport to get the aggression out.

What ways do aspie kids have?
*

Yes, life is unfair, we get it. But if you look at these lists, you'll see that it's more than just life being unfair. If a parent is unable to get something he/she wants, he/she has all the coping options in the "adult" list. But an aspie child has none! Consider my anecdote in the first post, about my parents nearly divorcing. They had many ways to cope and comfort themselves after the argument. All I wanted was my favorite snack to console myself (hey, my family almost got torn apart), and my parents told me I wasn't allowed to have it.

I hope this makes a helpful contribution to the discussion. Carry on.

I have found that the best way to deal with the whole life's not fair thing is to embrace gratitude. A lot of the ways that adults cope are not necessarily effective anyway, and often detrimental. If my child wants something that he cannot have (whatever the reason), I help him to focus on just how lucky he is to have the things that he does have. We visit and contribute to our local food pantry and he helps me pick out a toy for Toys for Tots. We teach him about poverty and those who are less fortunate. He realizes that he is lucky that his body works properly and he is thankful for his health. Most of all, we focus on the importance of family, and even though he is still young - he gets it.

My son (aspie) gets much more excited about getting to pick something for the food pantry than he gets picking out something for himself. The main point of the OP's letter (I think) is that parents need to make a concentrated effort to listen to their child. I couldn't agree more. No human being wants to feel dismissed, especially children. I don't think it's necessarily about the item in the store, but rather that the child wants to be heard. I doubt that any store meltdown is effectively dealt with by a purchase.

Usually, I've found that if Billy (my girlfriend's 10 year old Aspie son) wants something out of "fairness", but it isn't something he should have, a quick explanation as to why he can't have it, along with reminding him what he DID get, is enough to diffuse the situation.

Example: He LOVES Cheeze-its. So much so that I had to quit buying them. One weekend, I bought a family sized box. He ate the whole box during the morning, then refused to eat lunch or dinner. He got hungry at 8:00 that night, and I offered to make him chicken, but got angry because he wanted more snacks, as in his mind, 8:00 PM is snack time, not dinner time.

The next time we were going through the store, he wanted to get another family sized box of Cheeze-its. I told him no, reminding him what he did before, and offered to get him a little 39 cent bag instead. He wasn't happy about it, but it avoided a tantrum, so mission accomplished.

I also explained to him that if he only ate Cheeze-its and didn't eat any protein or good food, he would pass out from malnutrition and end up in the hospital, with a needle in his arm for the IV, tube down his nose to feed him, and a catheter up his you-know-what. I think that helped put things back into perspective.

We've also been trying to impress upon him that life isn't fair, and trying to help him develop coping mechanisms when there is unfairness that he can do nothing about. It is something he is going to need when he goes out into the real world, after all.

Close, but not exactly what I was talking about. I guess feeling slighted could be a part of it, but not what I was getting at. It's about the point of view of a child who came to shop for groceries with his parents. I'm talking about what he's thinking and feeling throughout the shopping trip. So, here are two points of view. Keep in mind that both are equally valid.

What the parents see:
We're getting groceries, making sure to take budget constraints and nutritional guidelines into account. We're getting what everyone will eat, but our son keeps asking us for some junk food that's not even good for you. Fruit snacks are just corn syrup and Red #40, anyway. We can't have him eating that. Besides, we're working hard to plan the menu with the limited money we have, and he's not making it any easier.

What the child sees:
I'm a member of this family, and I want some input. My parents have the power to pick and choose whatever they want. They just walk up to a shelf, and take whatever pleases them. I don't have money, so I can't do that. It's so unfair. They get to buy anything they want; I'm asking for just one thing, and they still say no. They're refusing to buy me one box of fruit snacks for $2.79, while they're buying themselves a bag of coffee for $6.99.

I'm not trying to turn this into a rant. But I am trying to point out how differently parents and children see things. Both parties assume that the other may be seeing things the same way, and that's where problems happen. So I'm writing from my childhood experiences, to save the next generation of aspie kids from going through the same things.

My mom never had any problems shopping with me when I was little. Wanna know why? One word: bribery. She always told me at the beginning that if I was good, I could get a toy and a ride on one of those mechanical horses/carousels.

However, over the years, I think that may've hurt me for the worst as I always expect something, even nowadays. Am I spoiled? Maybe, but unlike most people, I really appreciate what I have and I never, ever just care less about it.

On topic response
We make my daughter an active participant in grocery shopping. If there is something in particular she wants (usually squid or calve's liver) she has to ask the grocer in a complete sentence, using eye contact. She is also aware of her diet limitations and is able to read labels, pretty good for someone not yet 4 yrs old! By making her an active participant and keeping her aware of her own diet limitations, and by being lucky in having a child who thinks liver is an extra special treat, we feel that we are doing a good job teaching her about values and making choices.
Off topic response.
Spicy Dried Squid!! !! My daughter would love Spicy Dried Squid!! ! Where do you get it? Is it organic? Is it from China (I hear scary things about the quality of dried fish from China and India)! Can you tell me Why my three year old daughter would love Spicy Dried Squid but has yet (in her lifetime) to eat a fruits or berries? [i]Please please[/i] let me know why she eats like this so I can help provide her a varied nutritious diet that she enjoys.

You think it might be a texure thing with the fruit and berries? My younger son won't eat them fresh but loves the dried kind they give a bigger bang for your nutritional buck if she's a chili head you might want to try the dried mago with chili power lots of great vitamins ect in mango .

I think this is key. In some families, the kids don't have input, and I can see how the experience would be, to them, exactly as you described. But I've never worked that way. Every aisle involves a discussion of what our options are, and what the kids think about them. We always go home with at least one item that was each child's sole pick, and many more that they collaborated on. I want them to be happy with the food served, so it has always seemed natural to me to include them in the process. Its really fun to see your child run up to the tomatos and say, "mom, can I pick some of these?"

But last night my daughter and I watched a Super Nanny episode on the computer, and those parents were very much in the "do it because I said to" camp, and were quick to list "no talking back" as a top family rule. I watched that mom and really felt that she wanted the power - just as you like to suggest we all do . But I don't think its universal. I know my kids feel at times I'm not fair, but they are free to say it and it always gets discussed. I really can't imagine being your parents, from the way you describe them. They must have been like that mom on Super Nanny.

Your daughter likes calf liver at age 3? Wow, I'd like to shake your hand. Far too many kids think it's the worst thing on the planet. (Are you from the US, by the way? It seems like American kids hate liver the most.) Interestingly, when I was a kid, I liked boiled beef tongue with mustard. By the way, here's a helpful tip: soak liver in milk for 2 hours before you cook it, to get rid of that chalky taste.

I don't remember where I saw spicy dried squid back when I was 13; I think it was one of those small Asian stores. Now I get the dried squid from a Japanese supermarket not too far from my apartment. The one I buy is made in Japan or Taiwan, not mainland China. I don't know if it's organic or not, some brands contain MSG (but no corn syrup), so you might want to wait until your daughter is older before you give it to her. And if you or your significant other decide to try it too, remember: it goes wonderfully with beer.

As for the fruits or berries, I'm with CRD on this one. Hey, your daughter might see a connection of some sort between dried squid and dried fruit. Or maybe you can buy frozen berries, let them melt a little, mash them into a paste, and give them to her as an ice cream substitute. Do you know if she'll drink those smoothies that come in square bottles, like Naked or Odwalla. Each bottle has three or more servings of fruit, and can last two days for a child. They sell for about $2.99.

We don't really have issues around grocery shopping. None of us like doing it, so we only require that our sons come with us when there is no other option. They each get to choose one treat from the store, and they get lots of say in what we eat for our daily meals (I like when they give suggestions and hate having to choose what to prepare for meals on my own all the time). For the most part they make healthy choices, just because we have never really eaten junk due to preferences and allergies.