ignorance

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This is a bit of a rant.

I was on the phone with a friend of mine the other day, (we've been friends since we were about 14) my son J (AS,ADHD,OCD,GAD,tourettes) came up as the topic of conversation. My friend M had come to J's school a few days earlier with me to pick J up and she had met J's friend C (also on the spectrum, AS and GAD). Anyway M says to me, C has "it" bad doesn't he? Huh! C has it bad, you can really see it in him. I ask " what do you mean?" Her reply; "Well you can see that C has it bad, J just looks normal". I was really cross, but I kept my cool. I said "Is this because C looks different?" "Yeah, you can see it in him". WTF!! !! My son J isn't a bad looking kid, C is a little different looking. I tell my friend that C's looks have nothing to do with him being on the spectrum. She still doesn't get it. She says poor thing. I tell her C's iq would be higher than hers. She then goes on to tell me that apparently everyone she knows that has met my son J don't think there is anything wrong with him, he looks ok. Some have told her that they think its probably because he was raised by just me a single mum thats why he is the way he is. Now I'm really cross!! ! I did say to her that J had more problems than C and was finding things harder than C, looks have nothing to do with it. She then throws in ( she just isnt listening) Ah but they both sound the same, they both have funny accents, why is that she asks. Umm perhaps because some kids on the spectrum do have accents. To add fuel to the fire she says. If you put j in a group of "normal" kids you wouldn't tell the difference, he would be fine. Umm he wouldn't join a group of "normal" kids, and the "normal" kids can tell the difference.

So there you have it!! It's my fault that my son has 5 dx's, all because I am a single mum. Or perhaps he doesn't really have the 5 dx's its just that again I'm a paranoid single mum. There is nothing unusual about my boy!!

She is only right about one thing: there isn't anything "wrong" with J

No, people don't "get" it. So we get to patiently explain it to them.

That type of ignorance drives me mad

I think you are a wonderful Mom, dont let these situations get you down. Your son needs you to take these comments with a 'pinch of salt' and stay strong.

If this is a long term friend, i guess her ignorance is not worth falling out over. If you get on in every other way, its nice for you to have friends. Other than trying to explain the triad of impairments etc. its probably best to try to move on from it.

Rant away..... we understand xx

I don't think it is ignorance.. that's the wrong word. Ignorance is deliberate - I think with your friend it's merely lack of education. But that's what we're all here for.. to educate.

As this woman is your friend, and has been your friend for a long time, I'm going to try to find a positive spin. Perhaps she was trying to imply that, due to your hard work and excellent parenting, J's problems are not immediately apparent to people unfamiliar with them. She probably doesn't understand the extent of J's issues, and probably never will, I don't think you can make her understand.

That said, it really isn't fair to compare two kids, each with different issues and each needing special attentions. Essentially, if I am correct, all her comment really means is that C is an unattractive kid. You could probably send her on a bit of a guilt trip, since it really is not a nice thing to do to call a child ugly.

Don't feel bad I had a fight with my husband last night over weather or not we would blame the shots. I thought we were past looking to blame anything and from all I've read from real studys done with the scientific method there is no link. He won't read anything aside from comicbooks and the sports page so what the hell does he know anyway. Anyway your friends not perfect and netheir is the big dumb lug I married but I'm sure they both have their good points or we would be bother with them. Hang in there and remeber you can alway fake a micowave popcorn explotion or something to get her off the phone when her dumb is showing.

Does he read X-Men? Because that's actually very appropos.

Once and awhile mostly spiderman. My older son reads X-men and is extreamly good with his little brother <Jake's a nonverbal auntie> fast to jump to his defence with other kids and makes sure he always feels good about himself. Realy I'm lucky that I have my boys I just wish my husband saw it that way with out me having to push him.

Nods. I can see your dilemma.

Thanks guys,

really I just needed to let off some steam. I have tried to educate my friend, but she really doesn't get and I guess I know she probably never will. I was feeling kinda mean and I did want to ask her "well whats your problem, because your not the best looking either?". But that would be way to nasty, and she still wouldn't get it. (I'm not normally that nasty)
I did laugh at the popcorn thing. I've actually called myself from the other phone in the house, so the call waiting feature will beep. Just to get off the phone.

Anyway, thanks for listening. I know you all have had your own unpleasant experiences.

aurea xoxo

Unfortunately, unless she is in the same position as you with your family, she wont understand fully or correctly. She's not around your family 7 days a week, so she's not been there for the bad/hard times. In fact, it's common among autistic children (at least from what I've seen.. and this is not including those times where children lose control) that they are much more "themselves" at home, and pen it all up when out of the house, therefore, they let it all out when they get back. So all the people she's been chatting to haven't seen him at his worst, or "more autistic".

Clearly, Aurea, you haven't been very affectionate with your child, and that is why he's chosen to withdraw into himself .

If this is really your friend, and it sounds like she is, she probably doesn't know any better. Have you tried finding some articles for her to read? Still might not work, but I hate to see a friendship destroyed. I hope she'll come around.

That sounds like my in-laws. They are in TOTAL denial about my son's PDD-NOS. We've tried the articles, we've tried talking with them, we've tried pointing out specific behaviors that are especially "Aspie" but they insist that he can't have ASD because he wants to be social with other kids. Often inappropriately, but whatever. They say he has a psychological disorder instead of ASD. What is the cause of this problem? Well, according to them, "it has something to do with the way his parents relate to him." This said right to our faces. So I understand how hard it is when someone important to you is insensitive. It breaks my heart that they can't see how wonderful he is, sweet and smart and kind in a way they can't possibly understand.

Hang in there, and thanks for defending C.

ah I see the refrigerator mother theory is still alive and kicking in a new strain.

THat's GENIUS!! ! XD

Barack Obama was raised by a 'single mom'...oh the horrors!