Were we really that bad?

Post Reply New Topic

I read the posts here where parents discuss their Aspie children, and there is talk of temper tantrums and rudeness and embarassment; and it seems as though Aspie children cause so much stress in their parents that the parents are often on the verge of a breakdown.

My own mother was like this. I am currently 22 years old, and living on my own since the age of 17; and my mother has told me repeatedly that I was a difficult child with a dramatic personality, who would only want things my own way; and that I had horrible temper tantrums (even during my teen years) that "got on her last nerve". She also said that she felt like she was having a heart attack (I believe this refers to stress-related chest pain; my mother's heart is healthy) and that I was making her have "a nervous breakdown".

And yet I never got in trouble at school beyond detention of the writing-sentences sort; I never did drugs or drank alcohol, and I'm a virgin to this day. My grades were exemplary--straight A's. I live by a rather conservative moral code with which my mother has only a few disagreements (chief among them my love of stories involving magic, and nothing more important than that).

And yet... I was a difficult child.

So this is my question: Are Aspie children really this bad to parent, and I just didn't realize what a "living hell" (another of my mom's phrases) I was creating for my mother?

I can only reply from my point of view, which is my experience with my own child. Is he difficult to parent? Sometimes, but no kids is easy to parent. Is he hard to love? Not one bit. I love every single little inch of him and everything that makes him who he is. That includes AS so I embrace that as well. If he didn't have it, he wouldn't be who he is.

What makes it hard or stressful, is that you want the best for your child and sometimes it's exhausting fighting outside sources to learn more about AS and what works and doesn't work when they deal with your child. Right now, we're in the middle of a bad week. DS has had it rough and isn't allowed back to school until tomorrow. But I know he's trying his best and I will always appreciate that from him. To parent an NT brings its own challenges. I truly don't feel parenting an aspie is harder than parenting an NT, it's just different. A different set of challenges and a different approach.

To me, what your Mum has told you is extreme and hurtful and I'm sorry that you had to hear those things. Every parent feels them but sometimes it's better left inside your head rather than expressing it to your child. It sounds like you're a smart girl and you try hard. You should be proud of yourself.

Don't feel too bad about what your mum said.

I don't know many parents of all kinds of kid who wouldn't happily admit that their kids didn't almost give them a heart attack!! !

Maybe with Aspies, the ups and downs (when they happen) can be more extreme. As a parent, I would say that you have to really wake up and use all the energy you have in order to provide you child with the stimulation they demand.

I see parents of NT kids walking along the street ignoring their kids. This couldn't happen for us. I would have to keep my boy talking to me and keep an eye on him, otherwise he may just decide to run off to do something more interesting. For his sake and for the sake of his brothers, I am glad that he makes laziness not an option in our household. Otherwise, I am sure I would have taken that option.

Like Celtic Goddess said, it is true that there is a lot of battling to be done and that wears you out. For most parents, we get told our child has a condition and then it's goodbye. It's up to us to try to do what's right and learn about that condition as quickly as we can. We sometimes feel guilty like there isn't enough time to do everything we need to do. Mums always worry - about everything.

I hope my son will grow to be as sensible as you when he gets to 22.

I agree.......the most stress full part of being a as parent is getting the right help and info on best way help yr as child, the constant battle with authorities to get yr child the help they deserve and need.
I am struggling 2 get my son out of his current school in2 one that understands him.Its so frustrating

My son J is also having a bad wk this wk with his constant lying 2 me, it's been hard but we've gone through worse.I love him 2 bits & our family would be 2 quiet & boring with out him even tho he does drive me nuts some times

Thank heaven 4 these forums

Is David difficult to parent? Somedays, but not nearly as many days as his non-ASD brother.

Do I love D? With all my heart!

Do I wish he had been born NT? hm. Not really. He is a wonderful, exciting, perfect in his own way child.

I hate how the schools and society make his life (and mine, as I fight for him) hard. But that's not his fault.

Callista, I'm sorry you mom had a hard time and I'm REAAALY sorry she is sharing this in a way that implies it was your fault. I'm sure she loves you and is very proud of you, even if she can't find the words to say it.


BeeBee

As an undiagnosed aspie with two diagnosed sons with autism I can relate to both of the first two posters here.

My relationship with my mother was very difficult. I really sound just like the OP. I was always a "good kid" at school (although I had few friends after fourth grade and had a lot of social difficulties). I can remember only getting two detentions in high school and no demerits at all.

On the other hand, my mother was constantly stressed with me and constantly objected to pretty much everything I said or did.

On the other hand, while I worry about my kids' futures a great deal (and they are at very different levels of functioning), that is really the main cause of stress. I understand why they act the way they do and, while my wife and I do sometimes lose patience, we usually do not.

I suspect that as every person is different, every relationship between a parent and a child is different as well.

It's scenarios like this that convince me that some people should simply be forbidden to have children. If I could travel back in time to before I was conceived, I would not allow them to um... be intimate. The way they treated me my entire life is simply unacceptable.

My parents are saying the exact same thing, day in and day out. WTF!!? I never got into trouble at school, never drank until a few years ago, and even though I'm not a virgin, my parents think I am. So where the f*** did the difficulty come from? It seemed that my parents were getting even with me for my "difficulty" my entire life, by punishing me for every minor infraction. Ironically, that only made me view my parents as my enemies. If you look at the Israeli-Palestinian conflict and the relationship I have with my parents, you won't find many differences.

I do need to make a correction: My original post says "My grades were straight A's". This was true while I was living with my mother; thereafter, only until my sophomore year of college. After that, my grades began to go down, until today I have something like a C or D average--depression might have something to do with this; or I might just be lazy, who knows? In any event, I'm using all the motivation I have to get my grades back up, even if that isn't much sometimes; and they're going up--though slowly. I made an "A" in German last semester, anyway; I'm rather proud of that.

Aspie1, you have my sympathy. Thankfully, no one of us is simply a product of our parenting; we are our own persons. Those who had parents who bullied, insulted, or even abused them, while they may have to deal with emotional fallout, are still the masters of their own choices. Bad parenting can be overcome. I know, because I'm going to do it. [I refer, here, more to my physically abusive stepfather than to my mother.]

I often wonder whether parents of undiagnosed Aspie/HFA kids might think that what their child needs is simply more discipline. This is, incidentally, often true; but the sort of "discipline" I (and I assume, many like me) wanted was a structured environment in which we knew what to expect--rules that everyone, even parents, could be expected to follow. Such predictability is a wonderfully secure haven for anyone for whom abrupt change is jarring. What such children do not need is a parent who punishes "every minor infraction"--without first telling the child, preferably in writing, exactly what those infractions are; so that the child never knows whether a particular action will be praised, punished, or ignored.

When parents matter the most to a child of anyone in the world, you had better believe that parents who are unpredictable and (in my case) even violently explosive make the world feel like a very unsafe place indeed.

My mother believed I needed "more discipline"; I simply wanted predictability. I would draw up proposed "family rules" lists which were often even stricter than the way the household was run, in the hopes that my parents might follow them, and I would know what to expect. They never agreed to them, of course; but if they had taken the hint--that I wanted a constitutional monarchy rather than the anarchy we had--I might have been much helped.

I am very much encouraged by the parents who congregate here; while no one is perfect, you are aware of your children's difficulties and are trying to help. That is the first step and goes most of the way towards your goal.

I think I see things from your perspective now, at least a little; parenting can be very stressful, especially when you have invested so much emotional energy in a child with AS or autism. I think it would benefit all of you to find a way to relax, which you can have access to anytime you need it; because a parent who is not stressed out all the time will have the mental resources to do as much as he or she can for a child, while a tense, frustrated parent will often do things which may be regretted later.

Last edited by Callista on 16 Feb 2006, 1:28 pm, edited 2 times in total.

There's no dobut in my mind that I was a difficult child. By the time I turned three, I had my mom suicidal. She needed heavy duty counseling. My dad told me my mom needed to see a '"talking" doctor'. I got stuffed in daycare.

I was difficult to handle in school also. I spent lots of time in counsleing. I also got my parents investigated by the county becasue of my head bashing.

I think I was a reasonably easy child. I was quiet and well behaved, had good grades, no drugs, no drinking, no smoking, no sex, no bad company (no good one either). The main concern of my mother was my loneliness (although I rather liked it), my "obsession" with drawing maps (I admit, for many years I wasn't doing much else), aversion to change (e.g. I refused to wear warm clothes on a cold fall day, because "I wasn't used to them"), and that I often behaved "like a 5 year old". As quiet and well behaved I was, I did sometimes get very mad, for example once I was throwing chairs and broke a glass door. I'm not sure how frequent these tantrums were.

My Aspie son's no more difficult than his NT sister, just different. But then, he would have been different from his sister as NT, too. A lot of the stress of bringing up an Aspie kid comes from others, from the society that doesn't understand, always wonders why he doesn't behave like the others, needs assistance, privileges, etc, etc, etc, and yet looks perfectly normal!

But it's the way he is, and I love him for it. As I love his sister for being who she is.

IMHO whether or not she was difficult was not the real issue.

What makes it really difficult is having an undiagonsed child and misunderstanding their behavior and not supplying what is needed for optimal funtioning.

It sounds like your mother had a lack of information and was extremely frustrated when "tradional parenting" didn't do the trick. That leaves her with 2 assumtions 1) she is a rotten parent 2) you were a rotten kid.

Instead of...she has an exceptional child who has certain needs.

I know I hear my fair share of "spank her harder!! !! !!" in my family in regards to my sweet daughter's behavior. I just roll my eyes. That is what comes from a lack of understanding.

I am sorry your mom shared those things with you. I dont think they are productive. To keep yourself from becoming bitter with her, remember she was ingnorant of your special and fascinating differences.

I've come to a conclusion that parent-child relationships and romantic relationships have quite a few things in common, with one of them being compatibility. Sometimes, the parents' and the child(ren)'s personalities completely clash. However, unlike in a romantic relationship, where the partners are fully equal, in a parent-child relationship, they are not. Since the parents are the bosses, they impose their values on the child(ren). More often than not, it backfires, resulting in frequent punishments, nagging, constant put-downs, and the emotional fall-out for the child(ren) to deal with when they're full grown.

I was digging up old threads, and found this one to be really thought-provoking. So I thought: "why not revive it?" Enjoy.

And quite right you were. I can't believe I missed it first go round.

Callista, I feel bad for how your mother expressed herself to you. If she felt she needed to vent, she should have gone somewhere else, and not to you. I wish my "NT" daughter at 24 were nearly as pulled together as you are. She dropped out of high school (with a 145 IQ no less!), refuses to go to college, married a jerk (I'm not the only one who has such a high opinion of him) and works as a stripper. Now that's the kind of thing that could kill a mother

My son does have terrible meltdowns, although they've gotten better since we've learned he has AS and learned about his triggers (especially his sid issues!). I can't picture ever bringing this up to him at a later time however. He accidentally hurt me one time during a meltdown (well he's hurt me lots but this time there was blood) and he immediately stopped and starting crying and saying he was sorry he didn't mean to hurt me. He just can't always keep his brain wrapped around what he's supposed to be doing, and he loses that control. I waited until he went to sleep and dad was at home to have a neighbor drive me to the ER (I needed a couple little stitches) because I didn't want him to know I needed medical attention.

That said, my older son is 23 (my son with AS is 11) and I still have the scars from the fights he would start at bedtime as a little boy.

Parenting a child with AS is about open our minds as parents, and learning to do things differently. What worked on my first two kids like magic backfires on my third. We need structure, rules, organization, and calendars. Calendars, calendars, and more calendars. This child has opened my eyes to a world I never knew existed before - it's like seeing a new color for the first time.

Were some us really that bad - probably (lol). Parenting is a tough job regardless of whether the child is NT or ASD or MR.

From someone who has been a kid with significant issues and someone who is a parent of two children with special needs I can see both sides. I mean how do you try and help a child who is non-verbal and raging. Or like my daughter who used to bite herself and headbang. Regardless of whether you understand that it is the result of a disability it is STRESSFUL! Both of my kids were more severely involved when they were little. My daughter was born very premature and has microcephaly and she was diagnosed as being MR. As a mom that is hard when even the experts are giving you conflicting info and there are limited services available. Not including financial hardship and strain on the marraige. None of that is anyone's FAULT though. My daughter is doing very well now but it is surprising that she has little empathy for her little brother's behavior. So, sometimes I remind her of some of the fun things she used to do when she was a little tot just to give her some perspective. But we laugh alot here and try not to be so serious about any of our uniquenesses. I have told both my kids that EVERYONE has something they have to deal with.