Adolescence

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My son is going on 11 now and his aspie quirks have been increasing in severity. He has a daily task reward chart that includes rewards for homework and getting through tasks without negative behaviors. He's on medications, he has an ISP and a wonderful teacher and school. We are involved in OT, Social Skills, tutoring and therapy but it doesn't seem to be enough help.

He has feedback-seeking stims that are destructive, costly and frustrating. Breaking things (toys, pencils), poking holes in things (tires, soap, toothpaste tubes, walls), cutting things (cables, clothing, furniture), pouring things down the drain (shampoo, soap, contact lens solution, baby powder). We have learned that anything can become a sharp object or a destructive one. He's not a toddler that I can hide things from. I find the most damage is done when he's alone in the bathroom, the only place he gets full privacy, for five minutes. He sees an OT on a weekly basis and we participate in sensory tasks at home.

Getting him to move through the day from one task to another is like dragging a cinderblock through honey. He's sooooooo slow. It's not all about transitions, either. He is so easily distracted, lives in la-la-land and seems to never be on task. Because of this, he is always behind at school. We could do homework all night and never catch up. It's not that there's even a lot of it, but it can take all night to do one math worksheet.

Then there are the melt-downs. Over homework, social issues, video games (man, I hate that gaming system--I'd throw it out the window if I didn't think he'd throw himself after it--as it is, tv and gaming time is very limited). Meltdowns can last for three hours or more. They're increasing in frequency and seriousness. I'm afraid he'll hurt himself or me. The scariest part of the meltdowns is that he's developed an hysterical laugh when he's really angry/frustrated. We're working with a psychiatrist and a therapist, but some days I worry that he may be bipolar or have some other serious mental illness.

The older he gets, the more care I feel like he needs. Between sensory tasks, getting through the daily tasks, homework and meltdowns, I keep thinking there may be more than a little aspie going on here. Any thoughts?

Hello.

I'm not a parent. I'm a kid with Aspergers. I'm not entirely familiar with some of your language (feedback-seeking stims, for example) but I'll do my best to see if I can help you.

Your son is going on 11. Any "normal" boy at eleven is going to be a bit of a nutcase. I know this from personal experience (attending an all-boys school, having a brother, being a boy etc). The way you recount your day with him reminds me of myself only a few years ago. I have a self-admitted destructive streak; the breaking of things and the poking of holes. I used to mould the soap in the shower. It's a habitual thing; you just need something to occupy yourself. The easy distraction comes with the package, more so when we're doing an undesirable task like homework. The video games are good to be limited. When I was younger (I am now sixteen) video games, books, television would all provide a distraction from the necessary realities of life. Limitation is good because it means that the real world gets more attention.

The hysterical laugh may or may not be something to worry about. I know that I would echo in my behaviour things that I used to read or see. For example, when I saw David Tennant on Doctor Who, his charisma and intellect really reached out to me. I thought "that is how charismatic, intelligent people behave". So I started imitating his behaviour-facial expressions, vocal intonation, and so on. Your son has probably seen someone in a game or on TV or read about them in a book who laughs like that. I don't know your son, maybe he's a super genius like my friend Matteo (also Aspergers). Maybe he encountered in fiction someone who he thought was a model for "should" behaviour.

I used to have "meltdowns" (and still, although less frequently, do) when things were stressful. When I was getting bullied at school, I'd freak out at home. One time I nearly flipped a table at a classmate who was having a go at me. I found the best way for me to deal with all the "bad" stuff like the appetite for destruction, the freak-outs, the stress and the distractions was when I discovered music. I am a guitar player, and there is a big difference between me when I have been playing and me when I have not. This year, the only week I got into trouble at school was the week when I didn't have time to pick up my instrument due to the immense workload of Year 11. That's not a coincidence. I think that the best thing for your son would be to find something he is passionate about. I suggest you try out music (specifically, a musical instrument as well as the listening. Both are important for me; I'm not your son, but I want to help you as much as I can. Also an instrument that requires finger movement and dexterity might help to bring the destruction and fidgeting under control.), sports, etc. But don't push him into these things if he doesn't want to do them. Hopefully, he'll discover his "thing" very soon.

Hello there.

I don't recall seeing you post here before, but it may have escaped my notice. In any case, I hope this response helps you out. As I don't know first hand what is going on or what you are doing about it, I cannot answer all your questions entirely, and any attempted answer I can give you would be a best guess on my part only. So, please do feel free to correct me if I am making a mistake. Anyways, on to the main portion of the post:

1. For starters, you say that your are currently using a reward chart. I have no problem with a reward chart, and I do think that it is a great idea to use for any child normal or autistic. The problem is that it is only an effective system when the child is young, it losses effectiveness around age 8 or so. If the child is behind in terms of maturity, the system may last a bit longer, but not once adolescence starts. The problem is that your method, while an effective one for young children, fails to understand the basic problem at hand. You are attempting to impose your control on another person who doesn't want to be controlled. And in that way your plan is incompatible with human nature.

Human's have a built in desire to mature and take more control of their lives as they get older. That's why we go from completely dependent toddlers who require all of our decisions to be made by our parents, to fully mature adults, capable of making our own decisions. As people grow up, we try to take more and more control of our lives, and thus by the time we reach adulthood, we are ready to live on our own. In order to facilitate this transition, people have developed a sense of freedom, and independence, and as such they dislike when this freedom or independence is taken away from them, or when they feel controlled. Wars of independence have been fought in the name of freedom because people are willing to die rather then be controlled. If this sense of independence never existed, human's would never feel any need to push boundaries and make their own decisions. We would never learn how to make an informed decision by ourselves because we would have no desire to do so. This instinct is not a problem, it is an important and necessary feeling all humans must have if we are to take care of ourselves. Consider this a good thing, as it is a sign your son is on his way towards becoming an independent adult.

So, how does this apply to you? For starters, your son is entering adolescence, which is when the path towards independence really starts speeding up. If people are willing to die for their freedom, then that is a clear sign that they value freedom above anything else. Most likely, your son views your 'reward chart' as merely a means to control his behavior (and he is of course correct). Since he values his freedom more then he values the rewards, he is actually motivated to break the rules. Because by doing so, he can begin to assert his independence, and to him that is more valuable then the small trinket he gets as a reward.

So, what do you do about it? The answer, simply is to give your child some independence by letting him make his own decisions. Instead of telling him to do this, do that, dont do this, etc. Try explaining to him why you think certain things should be done, and how you think they should be done. Give your reasoning, let him know the why behind the rules and the reasoning behind the why. As I have no doubt said many times before it is more effective to work WITH your children cooperatively as apposed to working AT them via strict punishments, rewards, etc. To be honest, things like rewards and punishments will work decently well with young children, but once they begin to assert independence, any attempts to force them into submission will only cause them to further rebel because they value freedom more then they fear reprisal.

For example, if you want your son to stop destroying his things, then tell him why, and let him find out for himself the consequences. Tell him that it is his choice whether or not to destroy his own toys, they are his to do with as he wishes. But you will not be replacing or fixing them. If he wants to dump shampoo down the drain then thats his choice, but he is going to have to pay for a new bottle, and the cost will be deducted from his allowance. Let him know that he is in charge of deciding how he acts, and that you understand and appreciate that his life is his to control. Just let him know that life doesn't always bend to your whim, and certain actions will bring about certain results. If he chooses to act in a way which brings him problems, then he is free to do that, and he chooses to act in a way which makes things better for everybody, then he is free to do that. But the decision is up to him.

2. Your son seems completely overwhelmed. From what I have read in your post, your son has a whole lot of structured time (School, OT, Social Skills, homework, tutoring and therapy). He also seems to have very little relaxation time, as evidenced by your statement of, "as it is, tv and gaming time is very limited". To point out what seems to be obvious to me, your son seems to be under a lot of stress (which is what I assume the medication is for). But for some reason this high stress level is being combated by you limiting his access to something which he greatly enjoys. I dont understand how that is supposed to work. My guess is that it went something like this.

Your son did something bad, so you decided to limit his access to his major source of entertainment and relaxation in an attempt to coerce him into acting differently. This made him more stressed out. Being more stressed out, he did something worse. So you decided to limit his access to his major source of relaxation even more in an attempt to coerce him into acting differently. This made him more stressed out even more, which then made his behavior worsen even more. Repeat until you have today's situation. It is a self repeating cycle that ends with your son being grounded, miserable, and lashing out in any way he possibly can while showing no progress or signs of improvement. In other words, it doesn't work.

Your son NEEDS!! !! !! !! !! !! !! to find and then do something which he finds enjoyable. For me, I happen to love playing on the computer, or the play station at his age. I played a long time and it was a great way for me to unwind, relax, and deal with the stress of day to day life. For your son, it might be something different. He might enjoy playing sports, or playing an instrument, or sketching, or sculpting things out of clay, or whatever. I don't know what your son finds enjoyable, but he NEEDS!! !! !! ! to do more of it. If he is playing on the computer enjoying himself thats time he isnt running around the house destroying property. I guarantee that the more time he has to relax, the less time he will be having melt downs.

Now of course there is a practical limit to how much one can spend time doing an enjoyable activity. He still needs to get a reasonable amount of sleep, and he still needs to eat and attend school. So obviously playing games for 12 hours per day is not going to work. But dont take any unnecessary and uncalled for steps to limit his access to an enjoyable activity unless absolutely needed. Letting a child relax, unwind, and enjoy their life is not a privilege that they have to earn or else, it is something that they should be given whenever possible.

First, I'll say that I know that laugh My son has it, and it comes when he really has lost control of his impulses. For us, that is a time to direct him to a self calming activity, and away from other people or anything he can destroy.

Second, remember that much is changing in your son's body right now, and he may well be confused by those changes, as well as the changes he sees in the children around him. That increases his stress and his need to act out.

Third, what type of medication are you using, what is it for, and when was it last reevaluated? Your description of dragging a brick through honey makes me immediately think "over medicated" or "incorrectly medicated." I know some AS kids have excessive anxiety and other co-morbids that are greatly assisted by medication, but medication brings along its own set of problems, and some medications can cause dramatic side effects in adolescents. We've heard some horror stories here of problems CREATED by medication, so be cautious and ALWAYS consider if behavior might be CAUSED by the medication, rather than benefited by it.

Fourth, I agree with Tracker that your son sounds overwhelmed and over scheduled. AS kids tend to need far more down time than average, and you will see negative behavior effects and a huge increase in stims and meltdowns when they are not getting what they need in that respect. Take a serious look at your son's schedule and eliminate anything that isn't absolutely necessary to his education or health. If there is any way to arrange for homework to be done AT SCHOOL, perhaps in a special period at school instead of PE or an elective he doesn't really care about, then do so. My son likes his world in little boxes, with school being school and home being free. If your son is like that, you will find he is much more successful with homework when it doesn't actually get done at home. If possible, you will also want to shorten his assignments to the bare minimum, then take a black marker and visually remove what he doesn't have to do. Even if you tell an AS child he only has to do one problem, he continues to see the rest, and be overwhelmed by them.

To help with the above, figure out and encourage your son in activities that help him self-calm. For my son, it tends to be fantasy, and he is a huge pacer. Some AS kids enjoy trampolines, or basketball, or bike riding. Video games are also a common self-calming activity. There usually is some repetitive physical component to it, and it may seem weird to you, but it can be necessary to the child. We saw a world of difference once we stopped trying to discourage my son's pacing. He's up on down on the furniture, banging into walls, making strange noises ... and centering his mind. It would have never occured to us that he NEEDED this if that hadn't been suggested to me on a site like this one. So, see if you can find something similar for your son, and then place as few limits on it as possible. You'll notice that both the posts above mentioned something similar, so it really is important for AS to have that "something."

One day I found myself saying to my son, "why don't you borrow your sister's (nerf) gun and go shoot bullets in the hallway?" I'm laughing at myself just writing that, it is SOOOO not me, and its funny that its my daughter who owns the thing. But, you know, that activity really worked. It calmed him down and got him focused.

Good luck.

I just wanted to say that for a 16 year old, Slashfrehley42 is one articulate young man. Your post is very helpful, and sincere.

Uh oh, it looks as though I have some competition. I had better sabotage him while I still can.

*Goes off to plan sabotage*

I realized that I have one more suggestion on homework that you might find helpful. When my son was younger, one of his teachers suggested we do homework by time, instead of task. In fifth grade, for example, the homework was not supposed to take longer than 50 minutes. So, what we were allowed to do was to tell our son that if he stayed on task for 50 minutes he would be signed out of the rest of the homework, with no harm to his grade, regardless of how much had been left uncompleted. That was a huge help for him, since he often looked at the homework and assumed it was going to take him hours, and that thought alone got him too stressed to start. With the timer, he knew exactly when the end would be, as long as he got himself focused and kept working. It was much easier for him to digest.

The time can be broken into pieces, as well: Work 20 minutes now, then X minutes later. And so forth.

It really is a good tool, but you will need to coordinate with the teachers, obviously. We worked this way with our son from 3rd through 5th grade, and by 6th grade he had developed decent enough work habits to be able to meet the increased expectations.

Some of his destructive behavoir could be turned in to art projects for him. A big box of junk to do with as he pleases when he's so stressed might be helpful and a space were this sort of thing is ok. My auntie son is younger but we've given him shaving cream and playdough by the ton to help him work out these urges. Bouse shaving cream is great for cleaning your walls I set Jake to work with a bottle of shavingcream and a spong to clean the kitchen walls he's happy and I've got one less thing to do. Best of luck