daughters "odd" behavior

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I have not had a diagnosis yet and have talked to her pediatrician who wants me to put her in preschool to see how she behaves with her peers she is 4 - a young 4 . and she warned me that I need to be ready for a diagnosis...... ? (I am not sure what she meant by that)

But here are some of the things I find out of the norm with her behavior (she is my fourth so I have seen children develop in many ways but I have a nagging concern and would like to know how to handle her best - if I am right)

She was "slower" in talking then many her age.. she is very lovable and loves other little kids..

But she has major melt downs - beyond a normal child's bad day meltdowns - over seemingly little things. she has to pick up her plate and put it on the table - is I do it.. she will pick it up off the table put it back on the counter pick it back up and then put it again on the table. if I tell her not to do that ... she will Sneak it when I walk out of the room)

she "collects" odd things she does not seem to play with toys - she just puts toys in bags and boxes and changes the box and the purse of the moment so she is switching the items all the time - she has pennies - odd metal items she finds little parts of things she picks up -

she is not drawings much more then a bunch of circles she can draw a face with parts and the body is sticks but no letters - no interest in her name -

She will play with playdoh for hours but never really makes anything

there are More things that our out of sync but do any parents have any thoughts?

I am not a parent but have some remarks:
- Meltdowns are like a bucket overflowing, the final drop is not the main issue! It can be trivial but it added to a growing pool of unhappiness.
- Playing with playdoh can also give a nice feeling from the texture and feeling of the material. Also testing the material does not require making figurines.

For the real advice I defer to parents...

Of course, it's hard to get the full picture from a brief description, but all I see initially is that she is different from what you have usually seen... Which does not automatically mean anything is wrong. I'm not sure why society has come to regard a person who is different as someone who needs to be diagnosed. I mean, back in the day parents would just chalk it down to personality and say that each of their kids are so different, each one brought some new challenge. If there are traits about her that are significantly behind developmentally, or if they interfere with her ability to enter school or thrive academically or socially, then yeah, you want to identify problem areas and see what can be done to help. This still does not necessarily mean there is something "wrong" with her. Everyone has their weak areas.

As for some of the specifics you mentioned... don't read too much into them. You say she collect things you find odd, that she gets upset over things that seem little to you. Remember that individuals see things differently, react differently, even little individuals. So you get one you just cannot relate to and the things that bother her can really appear out of whack. But I would suggest allowing her the chance to put her own plate onto the table if she cares about it that much. Why not? It sounds like she has a typical preschooler's desire to do things for herself. Speaking as a youngest kid of a large family, you get sick of everyone getting into your business and never letting you do things for yourself.

Honestly, though, she sounds just like one of my kids. Even the most "normal" seeming child in this family is still very strong willed, and telling such a child flat out not to do something is like throwing down the gauntlet... they are almost compelled to have to prove that they can do it if they want to. We've learned that the second we let a thing become a power struggle between parent and child, we've both lost, unless we can defuse the situation and find a way to work with the child. A popular technique is to present the child with her options and limit them two two if possible for simplicity's sake. No threats, no ultimatums. Give her the opportunity to own her problems and see that she ultimately is making the choice. You define the choices or clarify them, but she chooses. In the end, it is amazing how often that is enough to stave off a melt-down.

You have four kids, you know. They flip when they feel frustrated, over-loaded, unable to resolve some thing or do something or to make themselves understood. The older they get, the less they do it. This is because they get older and get more ownership over their own actions, and more of a knowledge base to draw on to help them communicate. I wouldn't expect that to be smoothed over at 4.

I like the suggestion that you try things like preschool and observe your child's behavior. Patient observation and study beat a quick fix, believe me. I hate to hear of people who look for the immediate remedy. I have a son whose behavior did actually interfere with his schooling. He would run from his teachers. If something upsets him, he runs or lashes out. He's very impulsive. He's also 8 years old... and age that should be high enough for a certain amount of self-mastery. So yeah, there's real issues here. Thing is, it's hard to implement sometimes, but he responds to being given choices. It helps a lot. It's going to be a long road, but he has improved with this approach. But his doctor, his pediatrician, immediately wanted to write him a prescription, insisting that there were no programs or therapies to help him. Indeed? That's a crock. And even those kids who receive medication for their ADHD (that's what we're dealing with) are not meant to remain that way indefinitely, even they will need to work on the specific issues they face. But this guy didn't consider looking at what drives the kid, at his personality, motivations... didn't even consider a formal diagnosis. There's a whole battery of tests that are supposed to be done by specialists before kids have labels placed upon them.

So try her suggestion and be wary of this "diagnosis". It really sounds to me like you have a kid with her own sorts of motivations. It's doesn't hurt to watch things, but don't assume the worst.

Acceptance is the best cure and it should be the only one.

I agree with what you all have said on some level -

each child learn different and needs to be readjusted differently - but when everone around you says there is somethign not "right" if you dont take note and look

As a parent I might be using methods that worked before and do not and never will work with her. I would rather know How to handle her then assume she is defiant and "hard to handle"

because in fact she is not ... if I have the time to work her through an issue and we make a "deal" that is how I get her to wear clothes but I try hard to find clothes she can tolerate which is a challenge in itself. as she gets older that seems to be changing.

I read of these "behaviors" as being catagorized as potential signs and even her doctor agrees that we need to keep an eye - she is too young to really know and i will get moreinfo when she gets connected to child find.

I just want to understand her to help her.

seek first to understand - then be understood

there are several of us who are Aspie and so don't be surprised when you hear reactions to assuming different is damaged. There are clearly signs of some ASD traits in your daughter but the most important issue with any ASD is social skills- eye contact, reciprocity appropriate for the age, and pretend play at your daughter's age. A diagnosis is the pathway to assistance. The young brain is very "plastic" and is more capable of learning new ways of coping than an older person. If an ASD is there, the typical neurological functioning isn't there- both in deficits and hyperdrive. You see deficits in social communication (both verbal and nonverbal) even when verbal speech is intact. You see deficits in pretend play. But you also see the hyperactivity in the areas of the brain dealing with sensory processing and rule-based/logical behaviors. That's why you see a child/adult fascinated with various sensory experiences and/or defensive about some sensory experiences, and why most of us thrive on routines and rules. not that the rules we follow are the rules of society, mind you LOL.

It does sound like she has sensory issues, and that often - but not always - is connected to AS. At this age learning what her sensory sensitivities are and working with her to mitigate them would be appropriate and useful. Don't assume that because she is drawn to something that she can handle it; my son was very drawn to chaotic social situations as a preschooler, but they pretty much always led to future meltdowns, because he simply didn't have the tools to deal with them. My son is a sensory seeker by nature, but also very easily agitated by too much noise, sensation, etc. An interesting paradox, but one he is figuring out for himself as he gets older.

In preschool we had quite a few people telling us that something was wrong. We knew he was different, but we didn't see it as wrong. We did family counseling for a year at the preschool's insistence, and the counselor concluded that nothing was wrong, either. One observer suggested sensory issues, and that proved to be spot on; her advice on what to watch for and how to deal with it was very useful. My son's AS diagnosis didn't come until he was 7, and I really don't know that anyone could have been sure of it any sooner. All toddlers, in some ways, act like AS kids, and it is only as they mature and become more socially responsive that you really begin to see the difference. Once in public school, there was an obvious gap between perceived intelligence and ability to produce at school. That is what drove the diagnosis process.

Your daughter is at the right age to ask her future public school system to make an observation. It is in their best interests to identify early the kids that may have special needs. That was the person who alerted us to our son's sensory issues, and it was helpful while being very unobtrusive.

For now, she should just be allowed to be herself. Pretty soon she will have to learn how to fit into neat little boxes with the rest of the kids, and that is likely to be difficult. The more she can thrive now, the more confidence she'll have as she encounters difficulties - assuming she does. That will be when you'll need a diagnosis, if one is appropriate. I'm glad we didn't know until my son was 7; for him, it was better that way. But, it does all depend. Since none of us really know your child, I say follow your gut.