Do you think this could help my son?

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As I've written in another thread, we suspect our 5 year old son has AS, or at the very least has many Aspergian traits. One issue we are currently dealing with is tantrums. So far he doesn't have a problem with tantrums at school but at home they happen frequently. Sometimes our days feel like a series of tantrums that we are all just trying to navigate through.

I've done some things to help us and we have started to see some positive effects. I am rewarding our son with an extra computer time if he can get through the morning or the afternoon without throwing a fit. (So far it hasn't happened yet but it has his interest piqued so we are working toward that goal.) Also, I am talking to him in a quiet sing-song voice and hugging him rather than getting upset or placing him in time out. This has drastically reduced the length of time of his tantrums.

I believe he throws these fits because he doesn't have the expressive language to tell us how he is feeling even though he has an extensive vocabulary otherwise. So my new plan is to talk to my son about how he was feeling after he has calmed down so he can name the feeling and develop a lexicon for talking about his emotions. I'm also thinking about showing him the sign language signs for sad and mad so that maybe he can use these when he can't find the words to use. I'm just hoping that if he feels like he can express himself, he won't need to scream and cry or hit.

I'd really like to know what others think about these strategies, especially using the sign language. I feel like such a bad parent when I have to acknowledge that my son still throws tantrums!! But my husband and I both put a lot of thought into our parenting. We give our boy tons of love and attention. We're consistent with our rules and routines. This isn't a case of needing to call the SuperNanny for help yet I feel self-conscious that it might come across that way. Thanks in advance for your thoughts and support!

BTW, I'm using the term tantrum instead of meltdowns because, while my son will have the occasional full-blown meltdown due to sensory overload, his tantrums seem like they should be more in his control. At least I think so since he can get over them quicker and there have been times where he was throwing a fit and I made him laugh in order to make him stop. I don't know if that would work with a meltdown.

I tried to implement Tracker's advice from another similar thread and establish a cooling down spot but my son was too obstinate to actually use it.

I appreciate any thoughts or advice.

It's better that he blow off that steam at home instead of at home.Maybe he is having issues at school but is witholding his anger until he gets home,where he feels more secure and is safe.In my opinion, it is better he blow off steam at home, rather than blowing it off on some kid and hurting someone.

Well, it seems you have already read some of my standard advice.

Would you mind telling me which of my posts you read? that way I don't tell you things you already know.

It sounds like you are on the right track. Sign language is a good idea, much of the time, since spoken language can be too much to deal with when people are otherwise overwhelmed. Another thought is putting together a small "feelings" book - a small spiral bound book would work. Simple pictures of faces looking sad, happy, angry, scared (like those "feelings" charts), one on each page, plus pages saying things that your son specifically needs to be able to say without having to speak - "stop," "go away," "hug me," whatever else he feels like he needs to be able to convey, but can't say. For a while, we used a book by Jim Borgman, called Mood Swings: Show 'em How You're Feeling!. We added a couple of "extras" where there were blank areas (e.g. back inside covers), and it was really helpful. We got several, and my son kept one in his desk at school, one in his backpack, one at home, ...

I read and attempted to use this advice: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postp2387282 ... t=#2387282

I appreciate everyone's feedback. Thank you.

I am pretty certain that what I am about to write is going to upset you or someone on this board; however, having been in your situation years ago, I learned the following from my son's psychologist. I pass this along in hopes that it helps. Not to criticize.

Your son is throwing tantrums because he is not getting his way, and he is winning these battles. As Tracker explained, when he acts this way, he should be put in a spot until he calms down. (There are commonly accepted rules for how long a child should be made to sit for a given age.) If he leaves the spot, you need to put him right back without discussion. He will leave again, and you will have to do it again. And again, and again....until you win. Otherwise, he learns that he can control the situation.

Every tantrum must earn a consequence.

The above will not be easy to implement. Your son already knows that if he pushes back long enough, he will win. You will have to stick to your "no-tolerance" policy for weeks before you see a consistent improvement in his behavior. But after that time, he and you will be much happier, and the underlying tension that he might throw a tantrum will be gone.

OK, now you can throw darts at me.

This may or may not be true for him, I don't know. He seems to throw as many fits during Winter Break as when he was in school. I've always assumed that perhaps he did better there because of the structured, predictable routine and different expectations on his part (not believing he was in control of the place). His teacher says he has a hard time using his words when upset at school and will instead growl or grunt at the person who has upset him but he doesn't have tantrums. I wish I had more insight into this.

Climber- I have no desire to trow darts at you. I have been operating on the belief that these tantrums were a power struggle between my son and I and that if I just consistently put him in time out and stuck to my guns, we would be able to get over this behavior. I took notes while watching marathons of SuperNanny. My son watched them with me and understood the whole time out deal. A normal child would have broken a long time ago. My son on the other hand could have his time-outs and even though they were torture for all parties involved, they would do nothing to deter future fits. They did however make every tantrum longer and louder. I always questioned myself as to whether we were in this situation because I wasn't consistent enough. But there comes a point where I feel that I am not being responsive to his needs for the sake of my own consistency. No one has been benefiting from our time-outs. I couldn't continue to do the same thing and expect different results. Time may prove that you were right in this case but for now, I am weary from the battle and my son's will has "won." I am tired of punishing. Right now I just want to discipline and find a way for us all to co-exist peacefully.

This is also why I could not make him go to his cooling off spot when he refused. I didn't want it to be viewed as his punishment and see his spot as a negative place.

coreycamino,

I agree with you - parents can generally assess whether they are dealing with tantrums that require firmness and "zero tolerance" policies, or whether they are dealing with something different. If you are dealing with something different (and it sounds like you are), dealing with it like it is a typical tantrum is likely to be counterproductive. It can help, when your child is not upset, to talk about self-calming techniques, like taking deep breaths, communicating one's needs, and trying to take stock of what is going on. When he feels like others are trying to impose their will on him, increasing that control will increase his distress, and he is likely to go into a "fight or flight" space in his head. This becomes relatively uncontrollable for him, until he calms down. When my son used to go there, he literally could not hear or (sometimes) even see me. His eyes looked different. The anxiety, at that point, is so high that all you can do is try to reduce the external triggers and allow things to run their course as safely as possible. Physical contact, for my son, exacerbated the situation. He could not process anything that was said to him, so verbal communication was pointless. Sometimes, after he started to calm down, firm sensory input helped (strong hugs, soothing words - tone of voice being more important than the words themselves).

The reasons why children throw "tantrums" are varied. It can be because they aren't getting their way, but it can also be because they are scared or confused, or because they are experiencing sensory overload, or because their concept of the way "things are supposed to be" has been violated and they can't cope. It is very possible that "not getting his way," to your son, means the world is not functioning as he thinks it's supposed to, and that makes it very scary. The unpredictability of things can be overwhelming, and it is not so much that the child likes things the way he expects them to be, as that his sense of safety and order requires them to be that way. It doesn't help him to learn that the world can be safe, even if it changes, when the result is people just sticking him in a space and telling him to stay there until he behaves. He needs explanations, kindness, and understanding.

I know exactly how you feel. I said the very same things to the psychologist, and left his office mad as a hornet.

"My son's not normal in this regard. He doesn't respond to punishment." Those were my words.

I was wrong.

That your son would view his spot as a negative place is not a bad thing. Once he understands that tantrums will put him there, it will deter the tantrums. He is too young to understand the concepts presented in Super Nanny.

I have no doubt that you are attempting to do the very best for your child. Your posting here is evidence of that fact, but it is also a call for help. I am not the person from whom you need to accept advice. I'm an engineer, not a psychologist. I would highly recommend you seek the counseling of a professional. It changed our lives in a huge way for the better.

I've been where you are. That's why I felt obligated to "stick my neck out." I don't know your situation. I only remember mine.

It seems like you've been doing all the right things so far. It's not a problem of motivation; extra computer time is probably the most wonderful thing an aspie can get, and you've implemented the most effective type of discipline. If your son was typical, he would have adjusted his behaviour because he knows he will be punished. The fact that these punishments aren't working probably has to do with the fact that he is trying to be good, but he has difficulty controlling himself. From what I've read, children do well if they can. No child wakes up thinking that they're going to be bad and get punished, rather than be good and get a reward. He probably knows very well that he should be good, he's just experiencing the effects of certain cognitive delays that are responsible for the behaviour of many people with learning disabilities.

If you think of his tantrums more like a reading disability, something that is not the child's fault, but can be seen as him being lazy or manipulative, than you can understand why he seems unable to help it. The good thing is is that tantrums do not just "come out of nowhere". Despite many people saying otherwise, they can be predicted, and if they can be predicted, they can be stopped before they start.

Try talking the him when he's calm. Ask him not just how he's feeling, but what makes him feel that way. If he tells you he's frustrated because he's tired or hungry, then you can better understand the reasons for why. Once you understand his concerns, you can express your own about his behaviour and together, you can work to figure out ways to deal with them. When he starts to feel upset, you can implement your solutions, either by say giving him a snack, or putting him down for a nap for example. Make sure to ask him for a solution, despite being so young, no one understands more why he's feeling upset than himself, even if what upset him happened several hours ago and he's just reacting to it because he can't handle any more stress.

I'd recommend looking up Ross Greene's "Plan B" system for dealing with difficult children. It's basically what I just wrote, but you'll probably find more concrete examples as to how to do it.

i don't have any advice for you but i might have something useful, nonetheless. perspective.


if i have a headache, i overreact to everything. i lose all semblance of patience and can't hold a train of thought. this makes me even more agitated. this is easily remedied by accepting that i'm not angry at a person or action or situation, but rather simply frustrated because i can't deal adequately with the outside world when i'm having such difficulty dealing with my own head.

the real problem is that i don't always know i have a headache. every once in a while, if i notice i'm being very short with people for no good reason, i take a few ibuprofen and i try to relax in a quiet, dull, environment. when i feel my headache stop, i notice. i don't know that this has anything to do with your situation or if this will help at all but it's worth noting that as much as we seem to know what we're talking about when we're talking about ourselves here, we don't always know what's bothering us in real time.

unfortunately, like i said, i don't have any advice for you. you seem like a very patient and understanding parent and for that i commend you. you can't really offer a child anything better than that.

My first reaction was that you had forgotten the sensory aspect, but you later addressed that. Which leaves a whole host of possible explanations and ideas, and any of the ideas the other posters had shared could be it. As will often happen in your life with your son, you may be looking for a needle in a haystack to figure it out.

So, the points I think I'll add:

1) Never forget that a combination of factors may be at play. Just because the whole thing doesn't seem to be primarily related to "A" does not mean that A may not be playing a role and, so, A still needs to be considered.

2) Remember that AS kids acheive many life skills far later than their peers. Think of your 5 year old as having a 3 year old's ability to cope, but being put into a 5 year old's life. He can hold it together for so long, and then he can't. Don't be afraid to try techniques that work with younger kids because in this one area he may be "younger." Does that make sense?

Good luck. You know your child best.

My first reaction was that you had forgotten the sensory aspect, but you later addressed that. Which leaves a whole host of possible explanations and ideas, and any of the ideas the other posters had shared could be it. As will often happen in your life with your son, you may be looking for a needle in a haystack to figure it out.

So, the points I think I'll add:

1) Never forget that a combination of factors may be at play. Just because the whole thing doesn't seem to be primarily related to "A" does not mean that A may not be playing a role and, so, A still needs to be considered.

2) Remember that AS kids acheive many life skills far later than their peers. Think of your 5 year old as having a 3 year old's ability to cope, but being put into a 5 year old's life. He can hold it together for so long, and then he can't. Don't be afraid to try techniques that work with younger kids because in this one area he may be "younger." Does that make sense?

Good luck. You know your child best.

Thank you all for your replies. I appreciate every single one of them. I am grateful for this forum. I have learned so much from here already. I am also consistently amazed at how respectful and well thought out everyone's posts are here. I appreciate the insight and also the validation I've received.