Criticism and the nature of "accidents".

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I'm trying to get my girlfriend's son Billy (10 yr old Aspie) to understand that "it was an accident" is not just a convenient excuse to get out of being careless.

Here's what happened. We were watching TV (Billy in his pajamas), and his mom and I had drinks on our coffee table. Billy was cold, I suggested he get dressed. He said he would rather get his blanket. The blanket is a big, heavy wool blanket. Now, when there is something else going on, Billy has a tendency to not pay attention to what he is doing. In the past, he has knocked things off the table. Since we had drinks on it, I told him no, he needed to get dressed. He didn't understand why, so I explained that he knocks things over and we have drinks. He said "Its okay, if I knock anything over, it will just be an accident."

I told him that he needed to get dressed, because... and at that point, he got angry, screamed "FINE!! !" and stormed into his room and slammed the door. He also got really ticked off when I caught him running with scissors and told him to because he could get hurt.

His outbursts at any form of criticism or suggestions of modified behavior is getting really old. I want to 1) nip this behavior in the bud and help him to take criticism better, and 2) explain to him that we should do everything in our power to AVOID accidents rather than screaming pathetically that "IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!! !" after he does something careless.

Any suggestions?

I think the word/term "accident" is like "lie"/"lying", in that it's not clear and unambiguous.

A lot of AS have trouble understanding social lying because they have learned that it is wrong to lie.

And accident ... when is an accident not an accident? When someone can say it's your fault! When is something "your fault"? Where do you draw the line? So to someone on the spectrum "accident" may be the word ( literally ) for saying "It's not my fault".

And how much leeway is someone allowed before something is "their fault" as opposed to "an accident"? What level of "care and attention" is required from someone for something that goes wrong to qualify as an accident ( rather than their fault )?

It's not clear, and it's emotionally loaded ... in fact it's a huge can of worms ( which leads all the way to debate about the existence or non-existence of free will ). What level of attention to not causing harm can "reasonably" be demanded of us?

If the issue of "fault", of blameworthiness, was disposed of, ( by society dropping its belief in free will for instance ), the whole issue would be less of a minefield, would cause less pain, and be easier to handle ( for both "sides" in such confrontations ).

There's a piece of data he hasn't "got" about his involvement in knocking things over, perhaps because the whole praiseworthy/blameworthy approach smacks of something so illogical that it is "blinding" him to the most important issue.

He wants to avoid the hostile/judgemental "to blame" label so much that he isn't seeing anything else but that.

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Last edited by ouinon on 20 Dec 2009, 6:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Any suggestions?

I'd say get used it, it's never going to change. My daughter is exactly the same and trying to get her to understand is like trying to push water up a hill with a fork.

(By the way, he's not being careless, he's being a child with Asperger's. There is a difference, although they may look the same.)

If he doesn't get to define what qualifies as an accident how can he avoid them?

If knocking over glasses used to qualify as an accident, why doesn't it now?

And as I said, he would probably rather not avoid accidents, they're "ok" things; people are nice to him about accidents. Perhaps he's wondering why he isn't allowed so many of them now? Why his behaviour is more and more bing labelled "his fault", ( that awful thing ), rather than an accident.

It's a huge complicated issue. What makes an accident an accident? Why does it change as I get older? Life was so much simpler when everything ( in the universe!! ! ) was an accident! ... Or when everything ( in the universe!! ! ) is all god's "fault".

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Suggestions: I suggest that you talk to him about what "accident" actually means.

Accident means that someone couldn't help it, that they couldn't have done any better. If you or his mother say that it isn't an accident, that means it's "his fault", it means that you think that he could help it, that he could/should have done better" ( the pain of school reports: "could do better" ).

It's a value judgement on what you think someone is capable of.

If they do knock cups over ... is it because they couldn't help it, or could they really have done otherwise?

"Accident" is a value judgement, a label that is applied to behaviour that you think is unavoidably in someone's nature, in the circumstances, such that noone is to "blame". Except in so far as they are the physical source of it.

Car crashes when drunk used to be seen as accidents, now they are not. It's a social construct.

Saying something is an accident in our culture is oddly enough the same as accepting it. Because if it isn't an accident in society's eyes then someone is to blame, because the judgement is that they could/should have done better, because "we ( supposedly ) have free will".

The label AS itself says that certain behaviours are to be "accepted", that although strictly speaking responsible for them, we are not "to blame" for them. Perhaps he is used to that applying to some behaviours, ( as MotherKnowsBest's reply suggests ). Which ones exactly though, and when, and in what situations? Very confusing for him.

Maybe he would like to talk about what the word "accident" means to him, and what it means to you.

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My son insists on sitting wrapped in his duvet instead of getting dressed or putting on his dressing gown. And yes, things do get knocked over and he is extremely reluctant to get dressed instead of snuggling in his duvet.

I agree with ouinon that you should take time to talk about his and your understanding of what an accident is. I do feel that it is important that he is able to understand that if his actions are likely to cause damage or injury then he has to modify his actions in order to avoid such accident or injury. I used to work in the field of accident prevention and most accidents are foreseeable and can be avoided. You might want to get some information about risk management or accident prevention and discuss that with him.

As he goes through life he will find himself in situations where an accident may result in something a lot more serious than some spilled drinks and the ability to assess risks and take appropriate action will be invaluable to him.

As you know, I'm quite the easy mom, but I have told my son that he needs to take responsibility for his accidents. He won't be in trouble, but he does have responsibility. After all, in real life, there are consequences for damage caused, even when that damage is by accident. So, if he spills my drink, he cleans it up. We don't make a big deal of it, we just remind him that the spill needs to be cleaned up, even though it was an accident, and since he caused the accident it is his responsibility. We are careful to keep things out of his way, so that his duty to pay attention to things he has trouble paying attention to is as low as possible but, still, accidents happen, and he knows he will have to stop and clean them up.

Does that help him avoid all accidents? No, he's still pretty clueless. But in your situation I would have pointed out that there were drinks near by, and that if they spilled, as they might easily when the blanket is around, he will have to clean them up and refill. Making those sorts of points DOES get my son focused for a short time on accident prevention, as he is making a conscious choice at that moment. Very rarely do I insist on avoiding all risk, because that makes him feel too caged and stresses him. It seems easier for him to accept that he has a choice to make, and actively choose to accept that there could be responsibility if something goes wrong.

Beyond that, we still live in what is basically a child-proofed house. Our new sofa had to meet one requirement: indestructible, and we have no free standing lamps or glass displays. My son needs to be free in this house to the extent possible, and it makes a big difference. Outside of the house he can be very good at controlling his behaviors and being careful even in the most delicate of environments, because he knows it is for a short time. At home ... well, he doesn't have to be.

As you know, I'm quite the easy mom, but I have told my son that he needs to take responsibility for his accidents. He won't be in trouble, but he does have responsibility. After all, in real life, there are consequences for damage caused, even when that damage is by accident. So, if he spills my drink, he cleans it up. We don't make a big deal of it, we just remind him that the spill needs to be cleaned up, even though it was an accident, and since he caused the accident it is his responsibility. We are careful to keep things out of his way, so that his duty to pay attention to things he has trouble paying attention to is as low as possible but, still, accidents happen, and he knows he will have to stop and clean them up.

Does that help him avoid all accidents? No, he's still pretty clueless. But in your situation I would have pointed out that there were drinks near by, and that if they spilled, as they might easily when the blanket is around, he will have to clean them up and refill. Making those sorts of points DOES get my son focused for a short time on accident prevention, as he is making a conscious choice at that moment. Very rarely do I insist on avoiding all risk, because that makes him feel too caged and stresses him. It seems easier for him to accept that he has a choice to make, and actively choose to accept that there could be responsibility if something goes wrong.

Beyond that, we still live in what is basically a child-proofed house. Our new sofa had to meet one requirement: indestructible, and we have no free standing lamps or glass displays. My son needs to be free in this house to the extent possible, and it makes a big difference. Outside of the house he can be very good at controlling his behaviors and being careful even in the most delicate of environments, because he knows it is for a short time. At home ... well, he doesn't have to be.

I agree DW a MOM, and that is a good approach to have him be responsible for cleaning up the mess. I like the fact that you make a point to let him be free at home and not have so much to knock over.
My guy is pretty clumsy and always has been. I have always calmly reacted to "accidents", even when I warned him because if I overreact or yell, it scares him or confuses him. But his dad gets easily agitated over these things and it leads to many arguments.
I try not to "sweat the small stuff", and let a lot of things go. Life is short and I hate to argue.
But keep explaining the point you're trying to make. I hope it sinks in.
Btw, my son is 16 and I wouldn't put a drink on a table in the living room unless it's in the corner.

Thank you for all the good suggestions and excellent insights.

When I see him on Tuesday, I am going to ask him what he thinks "Accident" means. As Ouinon suggested, I believe he will say whatever happened is "not his fault". Which leads to there should not be consequences for whatever happens. I am going to explain to him that all "accident" means is that something happened that was not meant to happen. There is still fault, and there are still consequences.

That doesn't mean he should be exempt from consequences. It also doesn't mean he can't overcome it. I've had to pull him out of the way of an oncoming car because of his carelessness. He is now more careful when crossing the street. Water can be pushed up a hill with a fork when it is frozen.

Another thing I want to impress upon him is that the world isn't going to bend over backwards for him just because he has Asperger's. When he puts the effort into it, he can adapt. We are going to help him adapt as much as we can.

I was clumsy and used to break things like my glasses often. As there wasn't a diagnosis to be had my parents didn't know what to make of it. I was treated differently then my sister and not allowed to handle things and keep out of things. This was bad in retrospect because it became a sort of family habit and I was withheld this sort of responsibility. It went further than it should of done. Even in adulthood my parents have to double take because they were so used to treating me differently. Now it is my father who is the clumsy one, as his spatial awareness is not as it was. Martial arts has improved my proprioceptive skills.

I hear you and sympathize. My 12YO stepson's favorite phrase is "I can't help it"

It's tough to deal with- obviously, he CAN help picking his nose, punching a kid he thinks has slighted him, or hiding perishable food in his bedroom.

Natural consequence of knocking over a drink is wiping it up.

Aside from unravelling the meaning 'of accident' you might go for what 'It's okay" can mean. This one is used in so many ways it's bound to be confusing:

"It's okay" = it is pretty good
"It's okay" = it doesn't make a difference
"It's okay" = it is easy to fix
"It's okay" = I forgive you

etc, etc. He may be figuring that accidents are okay as meanings two, when you think they're 'okay' as meaning four.

The talk about the nature of "accidents" went pretty well. He never realized that there are consequences for accidents, which explains why he always uses it as a defense when he has one then is shocked when there are consequences.

Thanks again for all of the insights.

It's careless if the person doesn't do anything to try and avoid it. The aspie needs to know that.