How do you disipline a child who has Asperger's?

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I now know that some of the behaviours are just due to miscommunication, fixations, and poor motor skills - and I think I'm pretty good at recognizing that. But what about open defiance? Passive aggressiveness? Repeatedly doing things I've told him repeatedly NOT to do?

At what point in the process of repeating "don't blow raspberries at the table" or "don't jump on my bed" does it stop being him not understanding me, and start being him defying me?

Also, when you're mad with your child, how do you express the seriousness of that without making them dissolve into tears?

For example:

-I tell my son ten times not to jump on my bed.
-He continues to jump on my bed.
-I explain to him why I don't want him to do it (it's a cheap bed, it'll break, it's the only bed I have and I won't get another one, he'll get in trouble if he continues, he needs to stop now).
-He continues to jump on my bed.
-I tell him I'm getting angry because he's not listening.
-He says he is listening, and he will stop.
-He continues to jump on my bed.

Now what?

I yell; he says I don't love him. I put him in his room; he cries and says he doesn't know why I'm mad. I ban him from my bed; he 'forgets' and goes back at it.

This is the case with almost everything.

How do you discipline a child who has Asperger's?

I'm definitely not an expert so these are just some ideas....

There's such a thing as "demand avoidance", when instructions from others rail against the individual's need to control. If I thought of the idea, I'll do it - if someone else asks me to do the same thing, I seem to instinctively resist it. Over time I'm getting better at this. I don't know quite how you'd apply this in the situations you talked about, but maybe you can somehow encourage your child to feel that he's making the decision himself, rather than that he feels he is bending to your will... that might help.

Positive encouragement for anything he does right is really important, though I'm sure you already do this. Sometimes when kids have behavioural problems, they tend to only hear negative messages about themselves, and things become a bit of a vicious circle. It gives you more bargaining power when you need to step in, if you maintain a positive regard the rest of the time.

Focus on one behaviour at a time. Trying to win battles on several fronts at once might be draining you, and overwhelming him. Things that aren't a priority, e.g. blowing raspberries at the table, could be put on the back burner, whilst more concentration given to a particular behaviour.

If possible, offer alternatives to present behaviours. Maybe this kid would really love one of those miniature trampolines. He could bounce up and down all day, and be no bother to anyone. Are the behaviours in themselves harmful, or could they find other means of expression that would remove the harm?

Work out consequences for each behaviour - this way you can become more detached and less angered. If he's jumping up and down on the bed after you've asked him to stop, this could mean that he has to do some chores and tidy up the bedroom. Enforce the consequences, but without becoming angry. Just treat it like impartial justice, and he may perceive it as such.

Don't deny access to special interests as a way of disciplining - this might be very harmful.

Anyway, that's just some ideas... cause and consequence can be good, but as long as the consequence is "constructive", rather than "restrictive".

Well, this is probably not going to be a popular answer.

It is my humble opinion that you discipline him the same as any other kid.

With my first child, we didn't know anything about asperger's. This child acted a lot like your child. We just laid down a standard of behavior, and stuck to it. Yes, initially there were tears, and I would feel guilty about disciplining him when he was so sad. Well, now that child is married, 23, and just visited his new in-laws who have a rather unruly 10 year old. He texted me the other day, THANKING me for being such a disciplinarian with him, because he now really doesn't understand parents who don't discipline their children.

What I've learned with my second child, who is 13 and who I've known about asperger's for almost a decade, is that whatever I teach him, I have to teach and reteach NUMEROUS times. It just takes FOREVER for him to learn stuff. It's not that he isn't bright -- he just requires a lot of repetition before he masters a skill. Sweetest kid in the world. Love him to death. But I'm also not too influenced when he cries, because he cries at the drop of a hat, and if it's in his best interest for me to ignore his crying because he's not behaving correctly, then I will. [I will NOT ignore his crying if his feelings are hurt, or he's physically hurt, or something like that.]

A misconception that some of us Asperger's parents have is that our children are so innocent that they couldn't possibly manipulate us. Oh, yes they can! They may not even realize that they are trying to manipulate us, but they are. Of course they are! My son would much rather play Super Mario Bros. on the Wii than do his homework, or chores, or take a shower. So he will make an attempt to weasle out of whatever we are asking him to do, so that he can have more game time. Sometimes I let him, but it's not in his best interest (long term) to let him have his way all the time, because as an adult, his room-mate in college won't give in to him, his boss won't give in to him, his wife won't give in to him.

Sometimes I feel like the smarter kids can be more defiant. Or maybe it's just a child with a stronger will. These children are more difficult to discipline as young children, and that defiance can be problematic. But I've also learned that that defiance when young, if molded and disciplined, can come in REALLY HANDY when that same child runs into difficulties as a teenager. A strong-willed child, if taught and loved correctly, can be an extremely resilient and self-sufficient adult. So do not despair!! ! Maybe the difficult times for you are now, but the teenage years will be a breeze because you've put in the time and effort to discipline now!

As a former autistic kid whose parents had never heard of such a thing as Autism or AS, I second this emotion, and for the same reasons. I have little patience for parents who allow their children to run roughshod over them, afraid they'll hurt their child's precious little feelings if they discipline them.

In my day, dads didn't hesitate to resort to the belt for children who needed too many verbal repetitions to learn how to behave.

I'm not saying that was the best method ever devised, but it was absolutely effective. On the other hand, it wasn't the only method they used. My folks also specifically taught me proper social behaviors such as maintaining respectful eye contact, sitting still when appropriate (I was allowed to draw and color and read), shaking hands with a firm grip, when to be seen and not heard, using sir and ma'am and so on - things I don't think I would have ever picked up naturally (perhaps they had already realized I wasn't getting it on my own).

Point being, my parents didn't make concessions for my Autism because they didn't know I had it. They, like myself and everybody else, just thought I was a little weird. That never kept me from being held to the same standards of behavior as everyone else.

Well, that was pretty much my dad's philosophy and look how me and my brother turned out... er....

One of us was alcoholic for 17 years, the other a druggie, neither of us can maintain long-term relationships, we're both on medication for depression and anxiety, we both have major trust issues, etc. etc.

What's wrong with being nice to your kid?

Thirded. In any parental relationship, training is ALWAYS going on. Either you are training him, or he is training you. You drew the short straw, in that your kid is likely a smart pain in the posterior. For this you, as well as my own parents, have my greatest sympathy. Your job is likely much tougher than a parent of a "normal" child, due to his strong will, and possibly superior intelligence. Consistency is key. When you tell him something he needs to know you mean business. If you allow him to manipulate you, he will. I walked all over my own mother; because i could. She was intimidated by a five year old who was smarter than her. I took advantage of that. My guess is that your son will too, if he can.

Many of us autistics don't have much respect for authority. The fact that we should, doesn't move us much. It is largely up to you as a parent, to teach us the hard facts of life. Best wishes in your struggle.

Regards;

Yeah, whatever you do don't hit your kid because it damages the sexuality of some people. It doesn't happen to all kids but you don't know whether your kid will be one of the ones who gets damaged from it or not until they're older and tbh having AS is enough to deal with, without being asexual as well.

In the first place, I specifically noted it's not the greatest teaching method ever devised, just that its better than no discipline at all. But by what stretch of reason do you account for your and your sibling's issues by blaming them on the discipline you received as a child?

I've drank myself to sleep every night for thirty years now, failed at three marriages (and at least three other long-term live-ins), suffered debilitating depression my entire life, have held only one job in my life that lasted more than 15 months, been married to a pathological con artist and then to a gambling addict (if you want to compare trust issues), and I can't rationally attribute any of that to the fact that my dad spanked me when I failed to respond to three consecutive verbal reprimands in any given situation (I knew the rules, nobody jerked me up at random for a beating).

I can, however, look at the DSM and easily attribute virtually every single one of those things to my Autism, an organic brain dysfunction that was never my parent's fault.

There is nothing wrong with being nice to one's children and I never even hinted otherwise. I've raised a 17 year old NT daughter and I think she actually got spanked once in her entire childhood for disobediently endangering her own safety.

What I said was, I have little patience for parents who think they should NEVER do anything to even upset their children, lest they cause irreparable trauma. What those parents end up with is brats with an endless expectation of entitlement who can't ever understand why the world isn't 'fair' enough to always let them win, and who treat the world around them like a slave race bred to serve them and them alone. I have relatives raising children like this even now, and I see it in practice at least once a week. It's pathetic to watch children talk to their mother as though she were a scullery maid. Pathetic to see a mother who allows it and bows and scrapes to her children as if it they were her employer and she were terrified of being fired. A parent whose most authoritative voice is: "Plleeeeaase don't do that." They ignore her. Who wouldn't?

You can be a parent to your children, or you can be their friend, but while they are too young to know what's safest and best for themselves, you can't always be both.

I definitely don't think that it's the right thing not to discipline kids at all but I'm certain that it was my dad hitting me that screwed up my sexuality because I can remember being as young as 4 and being sexually aroused by it (obviously I didn't realise what it was at the time). Nowadays the only way that I can experience sexual arousal is by taking magic mushrooms because I ingeniously managed to completely repress my sexuality. Which is just great really so thanks for that Mum and Dad not that I resent them for it or anything...

Last edited by Marsian on 03 Jan 2010, 5:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Well, I'm not one for confrontation. No doubt I've just misunderstood your original point.

As far as attributing my current behaviours/problems, I'd say they were as much nurture as they are nature, since I'm guessing that can be the only logical reason why there's such a broad range of outcomes for aspies as adults.

I agree, I don't think children should run roughshod over their parents. But I don't think there's any need for anger, just for strict and undeviating enforcement of consequences. The latter is possible without the former, at least in my view. And I don't think there's a need for restrictive punishment, when the kid could be doing something useful. Positive re-engagement is better than "go to your room without any dinner", though again, that's just my view.

You mentioned "the belt" and it triggered some nasty memories, and my forceful response. Sorry if you were offended.

Well said. I would add that if a spanking is necessary, the child should well know it's coming as a result of their own actions. Usually, this knowledge is enough to prevent the necessity in the first place.

Sounds like it might be an executive dysfunction thing he has trouble switching to another behavior even though he knows he should I had the same problem and was constantly accused of "not listening".

Oh, and i consider spanking to be child abuse.

Things like jumping on the bed he's probably mostly doing for fun. But things like blowing raspberries, I'd just ignore him. He's probably trying to get your attention. If you don't give it, he might get bored. That's just my small solution to one small problem.

And I too consider disciplinary violence to be child abuse. It'll only make him hate you, and obey your rules out of fear. Or it could make him defy you even more.

I used to spank, but in my opinion that is for children who are 1 1/2 to 2 1/2 years old. Before they are able to understand words, logic, consequences. My son is 7 1/2. Much too old for corporal punishment as his ideas of fairness and justice are quite mature. It wouldn't help anything to hit him, plus I don't want to. I'm not in my early 20's anymore, I have more tolerance.

Not spoiling him is exactly my point!

The problem is deciphering what behaviour he can control and what behaviour he can't.
The second problem is deciding on a disciplinary action that will correct the problem behaviour without making him feel he has been abandoned and is now unloved by his mother.

I understand the "tough love" tactic, but it won't help to dispense tough love if he doesn't understand that it includes 'love'. He is not a teenager, and in his mind, he is still learning these rules for the first time.

I would think appropriate punishment for any child regardless if they are aspie or nt would be giving a time out, I am not big on physical punishments such as spankings, my parents would always sent me off to my room is I was having one of my wobblys