When to explain Aspie's to my 8 year-old son?

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[first post on WP]
Hello everyone,
I've recently realised that my 8 year-old son is an aspie. Mostly it's such a relief to see an explanation for his puzzling behaviour and to discover that it's an understood and reasonably common phenomenon.
My wife and I have been fretting for a while over his behaviour. In particular, it was a discussion we had over his apparent complete lack of empathy that raised a flag. I looked around and when I read a description of Aspergers characteristics, it was like it was describing my boy. The difficulty in social situations, the single-minded obsessions (Lego, in his case), trouble sleeping, the love of predictable routine and fear of unknown situations, doesn't like to be hugged, etc.

He does well at school academically (but less well socially). He is already learning his 3rd language (aged 8 !) but suffers from being disorganized and not being able to concentrate on subjects that don't interest him.
I don't intend to seek any official diagnosis but I want to help him be the best that he can and that means raising it with his school so that his teachers can help him too. They will almost certainly want to refer him to the school psychiatrist.

Once that happens, he will realise that something is going on and I don't want him to be afraid or him to think that there's something "wrong" with him.
Should I start talking with him about Aspergers beforehand? If so, how to start explaining it to him?
I suspect that he himself will be relieved to hear explanations for things that he finds very confusing and I'd rather that he starts to hear about this stuff from his loving parents.

many thanks for your help

We are waiting for a diagnosis for our almost 11 year old. His behavior has gotten out of control and we needed help. I am sure he has AS but his dad well won't go there. Our son knows he is different and has known for some time. He asks why kids pick on him and why he does not have friends. I have been honest with him so far and tell him that we are all different and for some of us our brains are wired a little differently. Some people have a more difficult time fitting in and that it takes a little more work for them to do so. I reassure him that he is like the other kids but we need to try harder. I also say that some kids have a hard time in math, some reading and they struggle; he just needs help learning to be around kids. When we get a diagnosis I will be honest with him about that too.

I am new here too btw.

When to tell your child is a personal decision, and differs with each situation. I don't think there is an easy answer for "when", that depends. Check out Amazon or other bookstore websites for books. There are many books that are geared for kids that explain aspergers and autism in a way that they understand and that are very positive. Some of them are for the children themselves, and there are others that are for friends of your child.

You may even want to read a book to him like you would any other story, and then let him comment. He may communicate to you how he relates to the characters in the book and that could lead to a good segway. It may make him feel that he's not alone without actually saying he "has" aspergers,

Maybe you could see if there are any other parents in your area with Aspie kids around the same age as yours. Perhaps if your son had someone like himself to interact with and relate to he'd have an easier time accepting that he's different from most people but not all people. I know personally as an adult finding wrongplanet was a big relief, I'm not diagnosed but being able to come here and see that I'm not the only one who thinks, acts and faces challenges that "normal" people don't seem to, it's a relief to find out that i'm not the only one.

From your description, it sounds like your son is self-aware enough to be informed through out the process. When we started working out an IEP at school, we told our son, first, what he already had seen himself: that as smart as he was, he was having trouble with schoolwork, and as outgoing as he was, he was having trouble with his peers. So, the process was to find out why and then find ways to make it all better. We had no clue at the time the answer was going to be Aspergers. Once we had the name, we told him in simple language what had been concluded, basically that his "brain worked differently," and that with it came gifts - things he was really good at - and burdens - things that were harder for him. The school was going to work with him to overcome the burdens. He 7 years old and very much relieved, just as you suggest your son is likely to be.

I subscribe to the view that more knowledge is always better in the long term. There may be short term issues around coping with the idea of being different, and the associated self-esteem and anxiety issues, but you will be there to help him and he will learn to cope over time.

However, I would suggest a rethink about diagnosis. While your son may present only a few deficits, and limited impact on daily living, his teenage years are coming--at the time that he will be looking to develop a more independent existence, his social deficits may present greater impairments. Without a diagnosis, he might have difficulty accessing the social supports that would help him through that.

thanks all for your advice.

I've ordered a bunch of books from Amazon, for him and us. The "All cats have Aspergers" and "Aspergers, the Universe & Everything" will be for helping to get the discussion going with him.

When we see the school psychiatrist I'll ask about the value of a formal external diagnosis. We live in Luxembourg, Europe and there is a well-developed health & welfare support system here but I really have no idea what it can offer our family.
My instinct is to protect him from prying strangers.

He attends a large school of 3000 pupils so it's quite possible that there are other aspie kids there that he could meet. That would help him feel that he's not alone. I'll ask the psychiatrist.

At the moment, I just want to pick him up and hug him tightly, but he won't like that

While my son is diagnosed as AS @ age 9 (11 years old now) - I have not shared his diagnosis with him. Yes, he knows he is a little different & has an IEP and in elementary school saw a tutor etc. & seen psychologist's for testing - but I've not felt that telling him his diagnosis is going to be beneficial in any way and in fact may hinder him. I think he may use it as a excuse to do poorly. His doctor also believes there is no benefit at this time in telling him. I have given him books w/character's who have autism/Asperger's (Anything But Typical by Baskin) - but he looks at them like they are any other novel he reads (but I suspect notices he shares some of the characteristics) - which gets him more familiar with Asperger's - for when I do feel it's right to tell him. It's a personal decision.

That may be useful as long as everybody doesn't expect the aspie kids to become friends and hang out together because they have it in common, people with AS are still very different from each other in personalities and the fact they all have social quirks will not necessarily make them tolerant of each others. It's like assuming two kids with glasses will get on because they both have poor eyesight, they may get on great and they may not and it doesn't really have anything to do with the obvious thing they have in common. If this expectation is absent I envisage it may be advantageous.

No diagnosis? Why? If he actually has a complete lack of empathy, he will need to learn to understand how other people are feeling. Lacking that information you can do a lot of things that hurt other people pretty badly without even realizing it, because you don't know how they are reacting to it. Some of us learned to gauge what other people did and didn't think by going at it with logic; but you don't get that abstract reasoning until right around puberty.

Anyway, you need to tell him ASAP. My standard advice is, "as soon as he can understand the simplest possible explanation of what autism is," and for the typical Aspie, that tends to be around age four or five. He's overdue.

Yup, please tell him straight away...

I wished someone had told me when I was 8:

'You aren't strange, you're an Aspie and you have problems in ... ... ...

Maybe you'll not be normal like the other normal kids, maybe you'll achieve much less than what you dream of now, but I hope we can overcome your conditions, I will help you whenever I can... But on your part, you have to do your part to achieve a better life for yourself. Hopefully you can live out life as an independent soul when you grow up.

Be strong! Don't worry, I have confidence that you can do it, but you just need a little push from within. I know you can. Come on..."

You could buy the book, 'All Cats Have Asperger's Syndrome' and read together with your son.

And try to make the reading experience enjoyable and fun --- do not force, just relax and enjoy...