Potty Training

Post Reply New Topic

My son is 2 1/2 and is suppose to be starting headstart in September. Only thing he doesn't meet the requirements on yet is potty training (ugh). We've been working on the idea of potty training with his since he started coming to tell us he needed a new diaper. Problem is he is TERRIFIED of the potty chair and the toilet. Not really sure how to work on that. I'd love for him to be able to go to head start (besides the fact that it's just something that needs to get done). He's been talking about it non stop since he took the test 2 months ago. He knows when he needs to go and all that, it's just a matter at this point of getting around that fear so he can start practicing. Any tips?

I'm not a parent, but I know my parents forced the toilet training thing on me, and it led to a lot of long-lasting psychological problems. I too was scared of the potty and being forced to use it was quite traumatic, even though I was 4 years old and still in diapers. I still have issues to this day. Apparently this is a common issue with those on the spectrum. I don't have any other advice, other than forcing it can do more harm than good. But of course, every child is different.

If he is afraid do not make him. Instead get a potty video... it does not really matter which one, just something that is colorful and "fun" looking. As excited as the characters in those things get about sitting on the toilet you would think it was the best thing on the planet.

I fought and fought with my oldest to go (I had no idea he had AS, just seemed he was being disagreeable.) It ended with him hiding in his closet to poo... which I would find later and just fume. Finally I got a video and he stopped fighting and had almost no accidents within a week. Not even at night oddly enough.

Before that no amount of cajoling, bribes, crying (seriously I was getting even more upset than he was, I felt like a total failure as a parent.) or anything would make him go, he'd hold it no matter how long I made him sit there and then poo as soon as he was allowed off.

mmm I have a suggestion, don't know if it will help though. I've been studying play therapy. One of the techniques suggested in the book I read is re-creating the scene that frightens the child in the context of play. So if your child is afraid of going to the bathroom maybe playing with him about the act of going to the bathroom, re-creating the scene with stuffed animals or dolls will help him further cope with his fears and emotions. Help him with structuring the play scene asking him what the dolls are feeling when the go to the toilet how the doll is suposed to act etc... Through play teach him that the doll will be happy if he masters toilet training and that the reward is being able to go to school. Give enough room to allow him to express his emotions through the play scene. You might have to enact the scene various times until he get used with it and the good thing about play is that he can repeat the scene how many times he wants in a safe environment.

According to the book the expression of feelings through play is though to be therapeutic and it makes the feeling less overwhelming. Re-creating the scene while playing with your child might give him a sense of mastery of the situation. In various situations in the book I read play was used to reduce the childs anxiety towards a situation.

If your son isn't ready, he isn't ready. Even NT boys are a challenge to potty train because often they are neither physically or emotionally ready by 3, even when their female peers have been potty trained for what seems like eternity. Kids can also sense our frustration and sense of urgency, which puts more pressure on them and kind of turns into a vicious cycle. I'd recommend keeping a positive, upbeat tone but not letting on how stressed you are over the situation, because it will just contribute to making him even more anxious, KWIM? If he's not ready by fall, it may be inconvenient to not be able to put him in school, but at the same time, kids just have to do some things (potty especially) on their own terms and timetable.

My son turned 3 in November. He has been eligible for preschool since January but we have not pushed the potty training, just kept telling him, "Yes, you can go to school with your sister when you are wearing big boy undies and keeping them dry."). He sits on the potty and sometimes goes, sometimes doesn't. He still has not tried the undies on, because he is scared of new types of clothing. Potty training is stressful for kids even if they're NOT terrified of toilets. I'd go with the books, videos, etc. and also offer positive reinforcement (i.e. bribes!). My son was also nervous about sitting on the potty for a long time, so at first we would bribe him with gummi candies for simply working up the courage to sit on it for any amount of time. Now that he's gotten used to sitting on it, he gets the rewards when he makes something (even if it's just passing gas). I am happy to say he no longer thinks it will swallow him (or whatever his issue was) and he will voluntarily go into the bathroom and sit on his little pot for 15 minutes.

I hope the encouragement and rewards help! But just remember, having a kid in diapers at 4 or 5 doesn't make you OR him a failure. It will click eventually. HTH!

My elder daughter didn't potty train until she turned 3. My little one is now about a month and change away from 3 and still uses diapers. Modern diapers, which are very absorbent, make it so that they don't really feel an urge to potty train. ALL the kid in my little ones class are still in diapers. Both of my girls, who are very verbal, would express that they LIKE the way their soiled diapers feel. Just this morning, and it was a very cold morning, the little one said "My butt feels nice and warm. My butt feels warm because I peed in my diaper!"
Funny digression
My husband's family has had, for several generations, a family "camp" in the woods. It's his family tradition that all the kids are let to run about with naked bottoms at the potty training age and eventually they learn to use the forest as opposed to the yard or path. This then translates as toilet as opposed to house when they return to civilization. Keep in mind, there is no plumbing in the cabins so adults also pee in the woods. (We have a nice walk to an outdoor facility my husband built if you need to poop.)

This method, watching their parents pee in the woods, sucessfully worked on many generation of kids until my elder one came along. I said to her "I'm going out to pee in the woods, would you like to come?" She, thinking I was joking said, "Mommies pee in toilet!" I pointed out there there are no toilets in the cabin. She looked about herself, totally aghast realizing it wasn't a joke. Her face then went from normal to pale white to totally reassured "I have a diaper!" and she went running to put one on.

I agree that kids are not ready until they are ready. I was fortunate enough to find a preschool that was laid back about it and would take the kids at 3 even if they weren't trained. What a blessing! Anyway, my son was never really afraid of the potty. Because of his low muscle tone, he just couldn't tell when he had to pee. I just backed off of it, and waited until he was 4, and then he got it pretty quick. Fortunately, he was able to go poo poo on the potty when he was 2.5. However, my son to this day, has not gone poo poo at school! He holds it and waits until he is at home. This sometimes leads to constipation---

Anyway, I did realize that my son was not wanting to stop what he was doing to go to the bathroom, so I started rewarding him with skittles and m&ms to just go sit and try. After he was successful a few times, I would make a real big deal and praise him. I think in your case, the videos seem like a good idea, and the role playing with animals. Also, maybe showing him that mommy and daddy can sit on a potty and they are okay. I also agree that you have to be nonchalant about it.

Hope some of this helps!

I think I'll try to find a video. He knows when he has to go and says he wants to learn how, just something about them freak him out when it comes time to try and then he's embarassed about being scared.

See so far he comes up and hands one of us a diaper and the wipes box. About half the time he needs a clean one then, the other half you ask him if he needs a clean one and he'll say "no, just soon" and then just come back in 5 or 10 min when he does need it. When he does this we usually ask if he wants to try the potty. Sometimes he'll say no, sometimes yes. When he says yes he'll go into the bathroom, ask for his pants and diaper off and help to sit down and then start screaming the moment he's on the potty. When we get him calmed down I'll ask if something hurt and he says "no, it scary". He's really good at pointing out where something hurts, so there's just something about it that scares the hell out of him.

I had trouble with potty training. It seemed like I'd go through periods where it went really well and then went really badly. I think the issues finally stopped when I was seven. What really didn't help is one of my baby-sitters threatened to make me eat my own feces if I went in the potty chair because she didn't want to clean it up.

has your child been diagnosed? If so, potty issues are very common and the Head Start program should be able to acommodate. As a Federal program, they are probably subject to the Americans with Disabilities Act. When my son was entering pre-k and not potty trained I had this written into his IEP and it was fine. If he has a formal diagnosis it will be easier to argue this than if he doesn't.

Good luck,

It is pretty much impossible to rush them, so it would be great if you could get some sort of accommodation as the poster above suggested.

Meanwhile, it sounds like the fear is of falling in or being flushed away. It's very strange to some kids how it all disappears when you pull the handle, and they probably worry that should they fall in, the same could happen to them. So the fear isn't just about getting a wet bottom; it goes further. Are you using a toddler seat? That might help. And maybe show him how things that are too big can't be flushed away. My son was actually afraid of the flush sound, as well. Basically, the whole experience has sensory elements that may need to be dealt with.

Another potential issue is patience, in that the child may need to sit there a while. For that, the solution is easier - put some books in the potty for him to look at. That worked with both my kids for that piece of it.

My little brother(who's moderate autistic) is 4 turning 5 in June, he just started last month.

My mother has done a reward system that works depending on his mood and how focused he is. We've also done this counting thing, like you say each number for how ever long he pee's. He finds it funny so it works. The afraid part was for a little while, but if you do it with him, he got the idea quickly. I found it really awkward when I had to show him, so you wouldn't be alone with that...

Actually, now that DW mentions it, I was terrified of the sound it made when I was little. It was worse in public bathrooms where the flush on the toilets seems to be stronger. I used to make my mother flush the toilets for me because I was so scared. It was LOUD.

The toilets at my college flush automatically and sometimes will flush when I'm not expecting it. That drives me insane.

This is an interesting discussion for me. I have fraternal twin girls. One is NT and the other is nearly diagnosed AS. The AS kid is the one who really wanted to do the potty training. The other one was reluctant. I think my NT girl liked the individualized attention she got with a change of diapers or clothes. My AS girl would sometimes take a stuffed animal in to go potty, and then set it down and then go potty herself.

The AS girl was also the one who stopped needing diapers at night first, although this changed last year when my mother-in-law passed away. We were visiting her at the time, and she had been very sick. My AS kid went back to having bathroom accidents nearly every night, and is still doing this. My other girl doesn't have problems in this regard at all.

When I ask my AS girl how her bed got wet she usually tells me some story about being too scared to go to the bathroom (she wasn't before her grandma died) and that her bed got "wet-stripey'd." It's almost always said in the passive voice, that her bed got "wet-stripey'd" not something more like "I accidentally peed it." Maybe I should try some version of the role-playing we did before to get her past her fears of going to the bathroom at night.

Is she afraid of the dark? Maybe a night light in the hallway would help. I HATE getting up to go to the bathroom or for a glass of water or anything when the whole house is pitch-dark.

I've got some night lights on. Frequently, she wants them all turned off before she goes to bed, but then if she wakes up in the middle of the night having to go she won't go because her room and the hall are pitch dark.

Someone suggested some tap-lights or a flashlight she can easily and safely access. I might try that.

She also imagines monsters. Every now and then we go through the house and collect all the "monsters" and flush them down the toilet.