different viewpoints and the meltdown caused by it

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Hi

My Mother-In-Law looks after my son (and "normal" daughter) during the day whilst I am at work (until they go back to school in two weeks - can't come soon enough!!).

She struck a problem yesterday when she told him to change his clothes. The temperature was around 24-26 degrees Celcius and he was wearing jeans. She told him to put on shorts. He refused saying he was alright. She insisted that he change into shorts because it was so hot. This was not received well, and he got crosser and ended up telling her that she couldn't tell him what to do. She then got cross herself and said that it was her house and he had to do as he was told.

Now, I can understand both sides of this problem, but am inclined to side more with my son (in this instance) because, so what if he's wearing jeans when everybody else is wearing shorts or summer-appropriate clothing. It's his choice.

Does anyone have any hints on how to deal with this situation ?

Tell the mother-in-law to back off?

thanks for that....

I was trying to find a way that didn't upset either of them. My MIL is always there for my kids - before and after school and terms breaks if I can't do them etc etc. She's normally very good, so I don't want to "make waves".

I did try a strategy of sorts this morning by saying that Boy is one month shy of 13 and hormones raging on top of AS yadda yadda yadda, and he's finally asserting himself dress-wise as opposed to just being told what to wear - you know, "finding himself".

I also then tried to talk to Boy with the upshot being that he is NOT to talk to his Nana like that - it's rude and disrespectful, and she doesn't have to put up with that sort of @#$%. If he EVER does it again, he's looking at the possibility of not being allowed to stay with her anymore. He merely tried to explain his point - again. I said that I got what he was saying, but he has to work on a better way of stating his case (I'm now paraphrasing myself!) without getting all het up about it. He merely, again, tried to tell him his point. Of course, at this stage, I'm running late for work.

I'd like to (politely) tell MIL to "back off", but don't want to piss her off so that she doesn't want to deal with him anymore.

It sounds like you had the right discussion with your son about it. I can so relate to the back and forths, "I understand your point, but it was still disrespectful" and "I had a reason not to change!" Our kids have a lot of trouble moving off of position "A" to understand the view from position "B."

What I would do with MIL is let her know that you've already told your son he needs to be more respectful towards her, and then let her know that clothing choices can be an issue with AS kids and that unless he seems to be in immediate danger of fainting, you are happy if she justs let it be. Remind her that obviously you trust her judgement and will stand by her choices when the kids are with her, but that you would like her to consider avoiding confrontations like that in the future by picking her battles differently. Frame it as an AS thing, that you think having less stress (ie the stress of changing when he doesn't want to) may be more important than not getting a little warm.

FYI, my son is pretty much jeans 24/7, all year around, although he does like his Boy Scout zip offs quite a bit. He doesn't want to think about clothes, and he really hates changing. If he could, he'd sleep in his day clothes to avoid the 2 changes, lol. But somehow his body seems to be designed for all those over and under dressed days, and that seems to be true for many kids. They can walk in the rain in a T-shirt and arrive totally content at their destination, with no sniffles or shivers to show for it. I don't get it.

Thanks "DW a mom" for your support. I was beginning to wonder whether I'd got it wrong !

I have a tendency to nudge at both ends and hope they end up meeting in the middle

But, seriously, when you ask someone to take care of your kids, during that time, they are the authority. Certainly discuss your viewpoints and insights to help them with the job, but if you aren't comfortable with their judgement, you shouldn't be leaving your kids with them. The kids need to know that is how you see it so that they don't try to play you against the caregiver. Otherwise its choas. And no caregiver is going to call it right all the time. Odds are your MIL already feels bad about the situation and would appreciate some insights on avoiding it in the future.

We had the funniest thing with our nanny when my son was 4. I came home and he was at the table starring at a carrot. She had told him he couldn't leave the table until he ate it. Normally she wouldn't have done that, but he had said he had eaten it and then hidden it, which she later found. Well, you can't make someone eat and I wanted to laugh, but I tried to hold it in. I told my son I backed the nanny. But the nanny knew it was a lost cause and looked at me and asked, "how do I get out of this one?" I suggested she offer an alternative. Well, it isn't as funny writing it, but it was funny at the time.

maybe ask her to explain to him in ways that make logical sense...'if you get too hot it will make you feel bad', so that is why we wear clothes appropriate to the temperature. show him the temp gauge and say 'when it's this temp, we wear long pants, and when it's this temp we wear short pants so our skin can cool off'.

Another approach is...go ahead and let him wear what he wants. I think by his age he has the right to make his own clothing choices, as long as he's not putting himself in physical danger (like wearing swim trunks in the snow) or breaking any laws (i.e. birthday suit). If he complains of being too hot or cold, then you can suggest a clothing change. Sometimes leaving these every-day choices to the person in question can empower them and give them more control over their lives. That can only make them feel better about themselves! As far as MIL is concerned, she needs to respect your choices as the parent and not dispute your requests. If she feels strongly about something, then discuss it, but don't let it turn into a power struggle. You are the parent!

I'm a parent myself so I can see it from the parent's view but really, by his age he should be making his own clothing decisions. As long as it stays within the range of decency, safety and venue-appropriatness, it should be his call. Everybody parents differently and as a parent it's your right to make him wear shorts on a hot day or to allocate that to Grandma if she wants to call those shots, but why would you do that? Lots of people never wear shorts at all, regardless of the weather. As long as he's following society's rules (those jeans should be covering his underwear and not "Pants On The Ground"), isn't it a good thing for him to learn to make his own clothing choices?

Thanks everybody for your responses. I feel quite vindicated. I had told MIL that when I was younger, regardless of the weather conditions, I lived in jeans, sweatshirt, and sneakers. So I had/have no problem with my son wishing to wear jeans.

Unfortunately, all this is now moot as Husband got brought in on it - and he has now "ordered" that shorts be worn ! ! When trying to discuss this with him, I get shot down with "I'm not discussing this anymore - he's wearing shorts".

Luckily for me (I suppose !) my son doesn't seem to be all that cut up about it anymore, and is wearing shorts. It just makes me mad that this has been blown so much out of proportion and such a big deal made of it. As some have pointed out, it's not as though he was wanting to run around naked for Heaven's sake ! !

Again, thanks for all your input.