From a daughter... questions FOR parents...

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Ok, I've been wanting to write this post for AGES & AGES...
I REALLY hope I'm not annoying anyone by posting in the Parents' forum but I have some questions for you all.

My mother has bypolar disorder *not sure what type* and at first when they told her I was Aspie, she said to me "You just want attention. You always want attention, You do things just so people will notice you! You go and read so you know what they expect. A lot of it is just your vision or lack of it..."
My side:
Yes, I read when the doctor suggested it to me and it was creepy to me because it felt like they were describing me.
Her words after reading the article:
"Oh, wow! You really do have all of this. I knew there was something up with you but I never figured it was a type of autism."
Anyway,

Why to parents do things to delibrately annoy me even though they know that they do?
My mother for example will bang on my door because it scares me if I'm reading a book on tape.
My dad will litterally act like he miss heard me, like if I was saying
"I'm going to go pick a rose..."
He'd say, "You're going to pick your nose?! is that what you just said?" It REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY Makes me ANGERY! He knows it does, so why on god's green earth does he do it?
That's not counting when he'll say something, knowing I can't tell he's joking, and then laugh and say "Why are you so damn serious all the time?"

I don't know, it really makes me angery because it's like they're making fun of me or something, and then I get told all the time that I'm immature and don't see the bigger picture of things, and selfish because mom used my money from my "fafsa" grant to pay our bills instead of going and getting my computer and KNOWING there would be money, lots, left over, THEN going and paying the bills so we were sure I'd have something to take notes with next semester... and I don't know, sometimes it's like they want to cause me to have a meltdown.

They keep the TV on TOO LOUD, and when I ask them to turn it down a wee bit, they say "well, we're not like you, we don't hear as well." even if I'm trying to sleep...
And mom makes spicy foods when she knows I don't like them, could she not make part of something spicey or cook mine after there's? She knows spicey things hurt my mouth...
She calls me a "weenie" because I tell her if my joints are bothering me or my head is hurting.
He gets all HUGGIE when I say I want to be left alone.
And when I say I wanna be by myself THEY WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE!
And also THEY KEEP MOVING STUFF AND THEN EXPECTING ME TO KNOW WHERE IT IS.
and Also, they say I do stuff like talking too loud on purpose? why does it have to be on purpose? why does everything I do have to be wrong?
~Eilidh

Eilidh, I just wanted to respond to your post.

How recently were you diagnosed? Are you college-aged? Both of these things have a big impact on why some of this is happening.

If your Mom is diagnosed as bi-polar, whatever it is that she is doing that you find so annoying is not just your typical PARENT thing. Her being bi-polar may be so difficult that she cannot see her way clear to understanding YOUR diagnosis. If you have been relatively recently diagnosed (within the past few years, say) then she probably hasn't had enough time to deal with her diagnosis, and understand yours.

Your Dad, though -- that's typical PARENTAL annoyance. It also shows a lack of full understanding of your diagnosis. Now, the times when he would seem to be joking, well, I have to admit, we do that sort of thing in our house, and it's in an effort to develop our son's sense of humor. So far, he doesn't seem to be annoyed by it, though -- I think if I could see that he was annoyed, I would curtail my jokes.

If you are in college, you are becoming an adult, and your parents (who are also adults) and you are now becoming more involved in a "roommate" set-up rather than a parent/child set-up. By this, I mean that you are feeling entitled to have the environment more like YOU LIKE IT, and they are feeling like keeping the environment as they've always had it. You might be happier living by yourself, but that might not be a financial possibility currently. So in the meantime, you're going to have to give, and your parents are going to have give a little as well, to make all parties somewhat happy.

from a daughter too:

your parents have their own issues too, like money problems or psyc problems (bipolar or plain NT things). you seem old enough so for example you can cook your own food, lock your door when you want to be left alone and eventualy move out.

it is a wrong assumption that parents are always good to their children, some are plain mean, some are overwhelmed with their own problems. you seem to be high functioning so try to get as many things as you can into your own hands. concentrate on yourself not on them because you can not change them.
good luck

Your dad sounds like my father-in-law. >< He thinks he is hilarious, really, and he just isn't. No amount of telling him this would convince him otherwise. I think he got a rude awakening when he got an aspie daughter-in-law, poor guy. I don't think he is funny and he knows it. Dads naturally tease and infuriate their kids, no matter the age. My dad was famous for answering "You're such a drip!" any time anyone came in out of the rain and said they were wet. It got real old real fast. Dads just do that kind of thing. :p You may have to just ignore him. Eventually he may figure out that with your diagnosis he is not being as nice as one may like, but it shouldn't be hard to ignore.

As for your mom, she does sound like she has her own problems. She may not have adjusted to your diagnosis, or absorbed what it actually means. I know my own mom spent AGES telling me "Well you don't really have it, but I didn't want to tell the Specialist that. But I know it and you know it." I didn't know it... and she is FINALLY coming around. So with the added issues of bi=polar it could take your mom a LONG time to adjust. For the food, why not just feed yourself if it is a source of conflict?

A parent undermining a kid's decisions is..bad.

This is gonna sound..urrh, a bit radical, but, here goes..

If yer mom tries to hurt you, don't actually listen to her. Ever. If anything, she's in a LOT of pain, and can't control herself. Or, won't at THAT exact moment, but comes down to the same damn thing= At that point, she isn't your mom. She's what the catholics called POSESSED.

Just wait for the..ahem..good bits..and THEN listen to her.

Move out as soon as your able you'll be much happier in your own space.

I'm an Aspie mom, married to an NT and we have 4 NT kids. Most of that sounds like just plain ole parents not meaing to annoy you or they might think it's actually cute when you get a little annoyed at them for something. It's wierd, and I can't explain it, but it's more like playing around than EVERY trying to hurt you. As for the talking loud, they probably don't know they do that. As we age and our hearing gets less sharp, we tend to talk louder so we sound the same volume in our head as we always did.

Also, at some time or other, even the best and most loving parents will be stressed or angry or have other issues like health or mental health things going on and will snap at their kid. It's strange that when we are really stressed will snap at the people we are closest to, but that's usually because we feel safer with them.

if I were you, I would sit down and write a letter to each of your parents individually, calmly explaining to them these things that are bothering you and ask them to please stop. Explain that because to them, those things might not be all that big a deal, but they are to you and to please respect your feelings. Also, you should add in the last part of the letter that you are aware that people can upset or offend others without meaning to, and if you are doing anything that makes them feel that way to plese tell you and you will try and stop. Adding that last part will make it seem more like a request and a compromise than a demand.

PaganMom

Hi, dear. I don't mean to be yelling, but I'll put my answers in CAPS interspersed with your questions - hope it's not too painful. I have not read anyone else's replies to you. Here goes:

I DIDN'T NOTICE HOW OLD YOU WERE, BUT THE TERM FAFSA IS USUALLY ASSOCIATE WITH UNIVERSITY FINANCIAL AID SO I'LL ASSUME YOUR AT LEAST 18.

Ok, I've been wanting to write this post for AGES & AGES...
I REALLY hope I'm not annoying anyone by posting in the Parents' forum but I have some questions for you all.

My mother has bypolar disorder *not sure what type* and at first when they told her I was Aspie, she said to me "You just want attention. You always want attention, You do things just so people will notice you! You go and read so you know what they expect. A lot of it is just your vision or lack of it..." JUST BECAUSE YOUR MOM IS AN ADULT DOESN'T MEAN SHE HAS A CORNER ON THE WISDOM OF THE UNIVERSE. SHE'S JUST ANOTHER PERSON, AND IF SHE'S BIPOLAR SHE'S DEALING WITH ISSUES OF HER OWN THERE. SHE MAY NOT BE ABLE TO DEAL WITH THE ADDED BURDEN OF KNOWING YOU ALSO HAVE PROBLEMS.

My side:
Yes, I read when the doctor suggested it to me and it was creepy to me because it felt like they were describing me.
Her words after reading the article:
"Oh, wow! You really do have all of this. I knew there was something up with you but I never figured it was a type of autism." AT LEAST SHE ACKNOWLEDGES IT NOW.
Anyway,

Why to parents do things to delibrately annoy me even though they know that they do? PERHAPS IT ONLY SEEMS THAT WAY. OR PERHAPS YOU'RE AN EASY TARGET. HARD TO TELL.

My mother for example will bang on my door because it scares me if I'm reading a book on tape. ARE YOU POSITIVE SHE DOES IT ON PURPOSE, OR COULD IT BE THAT IT ONLY SEEMS THAT WAY? HAVE YOU TOLD HER THAT DISTURBS YOU?

My dad will litterally act like he miss heard me, like if I was saying
"I'm going to go pick a rose..."
He'd say, "You're going to pick your nose?! is that what you just said?" It REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY Makes me ANGERY! He knows it does, so why on god's green earth does he do it? A MISGUIDED SENSE OF HUMOR? MY FATHER WAS MUCH LIKE THAT. HE HAD A REALLY, REALLY SOPHOMORIC SENSE OF HUMOR THAT HE INFLICTED ON US AT ALL TIMES, AND DIDN'T HAVE A CLUE HE WAS OFFENSIVE. HE ALSO DIDN'T REALIZE HE WAS BEHAVING EXACTLY LIKE AN ASPIE (SOME ASPIES, ANYWAY)... WE PRETTY MUCH FIGURE HE WAS ON THE SPECTRUM, BUT THERE WAS NO NAME FOR IT BACK THEN. LOOKING BACK, I THINK HE REALLY WAS TRYING IN HIS WAY TO CHEER US UP. HE JUST FAILED MISERABLY AT IT.

That's not counting when he'll say something, knowing I can't tell he's joking, and then laugh and say "Why are you so damn serious all the time?" HE'S TRYING TO MAKE YOU LAUGH. OR HE'S A BUTTHEAD. AGAIN, HARD TO KNOW!

I don't know, it really makes me angery because it's like they're making fun of me or something, and then I get told all the time that I'm immature and don't see the bigger picture of things, and selfish because mom used my money from my "fafsa" grant to pay our bills instead of going and getting my computer and KNOWING there would be money, lots, left over, THEN going and paying the bills so we were sure I'd have something to take notes with next semester... and I don't know, sometimes it's like they want to cause me to have a meltdown. WHAT IS YOUR MOTHER DOING WITH ~YOUR~ STUDENT AID MONEY??? THAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE GOING ONLY TOWARDS EXPENSES DIRECTLY RELATED TO YOUR EDUCATION, BUT THAT CAN INCLUDE ROOM AND BOARD. WHY ARE YOU NOT BUYING YOUR OWN COMPUTER?

They keep the TV on TOO LOUD, and when I ask them to turn it down a wee bit, they say "well, we're not like you, we don't hear as well." even if I'm trying to sleep... YEAH, I HAVE NEIGHBORS LIKE THAT. I SUGGEST THAT, AS LONG AS YOU LIVE IN THEIR HOUSE, YOU HAD BETTER GET SOME EARPLUGS OR FIND SOME WAY TO DEAL WITH IT. YOUR OTHER OPTION IS TO MOVE OUT. I'M A BIT DEAF MYSELF, AND MUCH PREFER TO USE THE CAPTIONS ON THE TV TO TURNING IT UP LOUD, BUT NOT EVERYONE DOES.

And mom makes spicy foods when she knows I don't like them, could she not make part of something spicey or cook mine after there's? She knows spicey things hurt my mouth... COOK YOUR OWN FOOD, HON. REALLY. IF YOU ARE IN COLLEGE YOU ARE OLD ENOUGH TO BUY YOUR OWN FOOD AND MAKE YOUR OWN MEALS. I WOULD NEVER COOK SOMETHING AS A FAMILY MEAL THAT MY DAUGHTER COULD NOT EAT, BUT I REMEMBER THAT MY MOTHER COOKED WHAT SHE WANTED AND WE HAD IT TO EAT OR COULD DO WITHOUT. I WILL SAY THIS, THOUGH - IF I COOK SOMETHING THAT I'VE BEEN WANTING FOR A LONG TIME BUT THAT MY DAUGHTER DISLIKES, I DON'T EXPECT HER TO EAT IT. BUT SHE HAD BETTER NOT COMPLAIN ABOUT IT, EITHER, AS I'VE COOKED IT AND AM WILLING TO SHARE IT WITH HER IF SHE WANTS IT. SHE KNOWS WHERE BOTH THE STOVE AND THE FRIDGE ARE. I'M NOT RUNNING A RESTAURANT.

She calls me a "weenie" because I tell her if my joints are bothering me or my head is hurting. WELL, WE ALL HAVE ACHES AND PAINS. IF YOU SAY YOU'RE HURTING TOO OFTEN, OR IN A WHINEY VOICE, IT MIGHT BE THAT YOU'RE AS ANNOYING AS A MOSQUITO. BUT I CAN'T SAY, BECAUSE I'M NOT THERE, DEAR. MY OWN DAUGHTER HAS SOME SERIOUS HEALTH ISSUES THAT DEAL WITH PAIN AND JOINT PROBLEMS AND, QUITE FRANKLY, I KNOW. WE'VE BEEN DEALING WITH THEM TOGETHER FOR HER ENTIRE LIFE. (SHE'S NOW AN ADULT.) SHE'S BEEN TELLING ME ABOUT THEM HER ENTIRE LIFE. NOW AND THEN SHE WILL GET TO WHERE I HEAR ABOUT EVERY ACHE AND PAIN ALL MORNING, AND, SINCE I CAN' T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT AND HAVE BEEN HEARING ABOUT IT FOR OVER 20 YEARS, AND HAVE MY OWN STUFF GOING ON, I'M PRETTY TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT IT AND MAY SNAP AT HER. SHE KNOWS WHERE THE ASPIRIN (ETC.) ARE. UNLESS IT'S PARTICULARLY BAD AND I NEED TO KNOW IN CASE WE NEED TO GET MEDICAL CARE, I EXPECT HER TO JUST DEAL WITH IT ALL AT THIS POINT.

REALLY, THERE IS A POINT IN LIFE AFTER WHICH YOU ARE EXPECTED TO JUST SUCK IT UP AND DEAL WITH THINGS LIKE THIS, SINCE EVERYONE ELSE HAS THEIR OWN PAINS AND - FRANKLY - MIGHT BE TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT YOURS. IF YOU ARE ONLY OCCASIONALLY MENTIONING THAT YOU ARE SORE OR HURTING AND THEN ONLY TO EXPLAIN WHY YOU ARE NOT DOING SOMETHING OR ARE SLOW TO DO SOMETHING, I WOULD HOPE THAT THEY WOULD BE A BIT MORE UNDERSTANDING. IF THEY HAVE THEIR OWN PAINS, WELL, IT'S KIND OF HARD TO SYMPATHIZE WITH SOMEONE WHO IS A BIT ACHY WHEN YOUR OWN HEAD FEELS LIKE IT'S EXPLODING.

He gets all HUGGIE when I say I want to be left alone.
And when I say I wanna be by myself THEY WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE!--- NO WAY I CAN ADDRESS THIS, HON, SORRY! OTHER THAN, ARE YOU NOT ABLE TO LEAVE THE HOUSE?


And also THEY KEEP MOVING STUFF AND THEN EXPECTING ME TO KNOW WHERE IT IS. --- I HAVE TO ASK. IS THIS STUFF YOU HAVE PUT AWAY IN YOUR ROOM, OR IS THIS STUFF YOU'VE LEFT SCATTERED AROUND ALL OVER THEIR HOUSE? IT DOES MAKE A DIFFERENCE THERE. IF THEY'RE GOING INTO YOUR ROOM AND MOVING YOUR THINGS AROUND THAT'S PRETTY STRANGE BEHAVIOR. IF YOU'VE BEEN MESSING UP THEIR HOME BY LEAVING YOUR STUFF ALL OVER IT, THAT GETS PRETTY DARNED OLD.

IN MY HOME, YOU KNOW, I'VE WORKED HARD TO GET MY OWN PLACE. I WORKED LIKE A DOG FOR YEARS, SCRIMPING AND SAVING. I NOW WORK 10 HOURS A DAY, AND HAVE A SECOND JOB TO MAKE SURE ALL THE BILLS ARE PAID. MY DAUGHTER LIVES WITH ME AND HAS ALL HER LIFE. WE WENT THOUGH A PERIOD AFTER SHE REACHED AN AGE WHERE SHE WAS PRETTY MUCH OLD ENOUGH TO BE CONSIDERED AN ADULT FOR A LOT OF PURPOSES (16 OR SO) WHERE SHE DIDN'T QUITE "GET" THAT I FOUND IT OFFENSIVE THAT SHE WAS TRASHING UP MY HOME BY LEAVING HER STUFF EVERYWHERE, EMPTY WRAPPERS, DIRTY DISHES, ETC., - MAKING THE THING I WORKED SO HARD TO GET AN UNPLEASANT PLACE FOR ME TO COME HOME TO.

WHEN ONE'S A CHILD, IT'S MARGINALLY FORGIVABLE. ONCE YOU ARE OF AN AGE WHERE YOU ARE CAPABLE OF CONTRIBUTING (EVEN IF IT'S ONLY BY DOING CHORES AND TIDYING UP) YOU SHOULD BE. IN OUR CASE IT WAS IT WAS MY HOME, DARN IT, AND TO HAVE SOMEONE ELSE RUINING IT FOR ME - AND THEN COMPLAINING ABOUT BEING EXPECTED TO HELP KEEP IT CLEAN WHILE LIVING THERE FOR FREE - THAT WAS PRETTY MUCH OVER THE LINE. I SPENT A LOT OF TIME BEING REALLY, SERIOUSLY TICKED OFF AT HER. (THAT WAS WHEN SHE WAS YOUNGER - SHE NOW HELPS AROUND THE HOUSE AND KICKS IN FOR THE BILLS.) JUST SOMETHING YOU MIGHT WANT TO CONSIDER.

and Also, they say I do stuff like talking too loud on purpose? why does it have to be on purpose? why does everything I do have to be wrong? OK, YOU KNOW, I TALK TOO LOUD. MY DAUGHTER TELLS ME THAT ALL THE TIME. I HAVE NO IDEA I'M DOING IT. MY FOLKS USED TO TELL ME I SPOKE TOO LOUDLY. WHEN I WAS YOUNGER I GOT PRETTY TOUCHY ABOUT IT, THINKING THEY WERE ALWAYS ON MY CASE FOR NO REASON. A LOT OF IT IS CULTURAL - IN SOME PLACES WHAT IS NORMAL VOICE VOLUME TO ME SEEMS PRETTY QUIET (WHEN I WAS IN ENGLAND I NOTED THAT PEOPLE SPOKE MUCH MORE QUIETLY THAN THEY DO IN THE STATES, AND IN THE SOUTHERN USA ONLY LOWER-CLASS TYPES SPEAK LOUDLY). I ALSO THINK THAT A LOT OF THIS IS INGRAINED AT A VERY YOUNG AGE, SO THAT PEOPLE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY A LOUDER VOICE BOTHERS THEM. BUT IT DOES, AND SO THEY'RE TRYING TO GET YOU TO FIT THE GENERALLY ACCEPTED 'STANDARD' MOLD. MY OWN PROBLEM IS THAT BECAUSE I DON'T HEAR WELL, I CAN'T EVEN TELL I'M DOING IT. SO WHEN MY DAUGHTER INSISTS ON TELLING ME AT ALMOST EVERY SENTENCE THAT I'M 'TOO LOUD, MOM' I GET ANNOYED. IT'S NOT REALLY SOMETHING I DO ON PURPOSE, DARN IT!

THE ONLY THING I CAN OFFER HERE IS THAT IT APPEARS THAT ASPIES (ETC.) MATURE A BIT LATER THAN NT KIDS. I KNOW I DID, AND I WATCHED MY DAUGHTER DO IT. SO WE DIDN'T QUITE "GET" THE "IT'S TIME TO GROW UP AND DEAL WITH YOUR RESPONSIBILITIES NOW" PART OF LIFE UNTIL A FEW YEARS AFTER IT WAS GENERALLY EXPECTED. I WISH YOU WELL, DEAR. LET ME KNOW IF I CAN BE OF ANY HELP.

~Eilidh

Parents don't always understand how the things they do affect their children. And, when they do, sometimes the behavior is so much a part of them that they can't turn it off. Parents are human, after all. Habits that actually harm my kids I am careful to eliminate. Habits that annoy my kids ... well, I've got so much else to worry about that changing something that seems relatively unimportant just because it annoys someone isn't very high up on the list.

What I suggest is prioritizing the interactions with your parents that you would most like to change, and then explain very carefully why it is really, really important to you. If they get the message that something is really high on your priority list, they might move working on it up on theirs. Be careful and pick your battles - least they throw back all the ways you annoy them instead

Would it be possible for you to find a family counselor? There are some available who will work either for free/cheap (as part of a charity of gov't run) or who will work through insurance given that both you and your mother have diagnosis.