my thoughts about my son's "symptoms" (very long)

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Since i'm not completely sure i believe my son has Asperger's i put a bunch of books on hold at the library this morning to read more about it. Until now i have been going on theories and oddities i've noticed, but it's important to educate myself as a first step. Some observations and remembrances i've had include feeling my son was different from the time he was a toddler, he had very high energy, impulse control issues, behavioral issues, all of which he still has. I assumed when he was young he would diagnosed with ADHD, and researched teaching children with ADHD and learning disabilities online when i began home schooling him. Over time i guess i just decided he was a unique child and didn't want to label him with a disability. Since then i have also researched "Indigo Children" and "Highly Sensitive People" in relation to him. I have also read about right brain/left brain dominance screening and how hemisphere dominance relates to the way a person learns, in relation to him. Other people in our extended family and friends of the family have always had a strong interest in my son and stated several times throughout his life they feel he is "special" or not your average kid. I'm not sure how many of you are familiar with the HSP people concept, but it relates to sensory over stimulation from your environment and people around you, and highly developed intuition and sense of empathy. Highly Sensitive People are more emotionally sensitive and in touch with their feelings than average, and can have a difficult time coping in our society. I think i fall into this category, although i don't believe myself to be on the spectrum. I have Panic Disorder that i think may be in relation to being a HSP. I am also left handed and have right/left hemisphere balance as far as i can tell from screenings. For a lot of my son's life i just assumed he was odd in the ways that i am odd, but other things stick out in my mind now when i think about him. His impulse control and behavior management haven't improved much throughout his life although i have tried many different parenting tactics. Now we use primarily positive parenting, although in the past we did spank. He has an amazing memory, and seemingly limited interests. All he cares about are video games and technology (how it works and the history of it's development), and a couple other areas of science like human anatomy, animal biology, and evolutionary biology which all fall under biology. He would play video games, talk and ask questions about biology all day if allowed. Certain games have been major obsessions for him. He can tell you every single Mortal Kombat character ever created, what all their stances look like, every one of their special moves, what type of weapon each one uses, how to do all their fatalities, and even watches interviews with the creators of the game on you tube. Keep in mind there have been 7 or 8 Mortal Kombat games created and over 60 characters. He's very health conscious and has anxiety related to the idea of getting or being sick, part of why i don't want to tell him i think he may have Asperger's. I think he may obsess over it and stress himself out. He gets stomach aches when he's stressed. He has some OC tendencies, including obsessing over new video games he wants, obsessing over the idea of getting sick, and obsessing about tidiness. He does house chores without being asked every day. He would rather clean house than play if i tell him he can't play video games. He learned to read quickly and easily and is amazing at spelling without practice, but has no interest at all in reading. I have to force him to read and his reading comprehension is behind for his age although his actual ability to read words seems advanced. In certain ways his vocabulary seems advanced, but his ability to conceptualize what he is reading seems off. He has always done math in his head and was not able to learn with manipulatives when i first tried to teach him. He never even counted on his fingers. He has no interest in doing math or other types of school work at all. His handwriting is poor. He has sleep issues, night time waking and early rising, although i've always had insomnia problems as well. He doesn't have much interest in playing with children his own age, but he never wants to be alone. He plays with children younger than himself or only wants to hang out with the adults. Also another reason i'm hesitant to talk to him about Asperger's. He's probably overheard me and my sister talking about her struggles with my nephew's Autism countless times. His couple friendships with children his own age didn't turn out well. At the park he pushes toddlers on the swings instead of finding kids his own age to play with. He does have some repetitive behavior as well. He makes repetitive noises often, while playing video games, watching TV, or just walking around and he always has. He fiddles with objects repetitively. He will throw something up in air and catch it over and over again seeming to be in a daze, rolling a ball off the roof for long periods of time, jumping on the trampoline for long periods of time, etc. There are other examples of that but this post is already getting super long. He talks constantly and doesn't seem to pick up on certain social cues well, like someone being exhausted with the conversation. Another example of this is not noticing he is standing is someone's way at the grocery store without being told by me. I always have to tell him to talk more quietly in public and not to point at people. He will call someone several times if they don't answer the phone although i try to explain to him that it is rude. He's not concerned about his appearance unless someone brings it up. He blows his nose on the front of his shirts. He doesn't care about fashion unless a peer his age tells him the way he dresses is stupid, then he seems naive and believes them. Me telling him he can dress however he wants to has caused fights with a boy his own age and they are no longer friends. He constantly asks me questions that have easily observable answers, "What are you doing mom, washing dishes?" when he can see that i'm washing dishes. Related to his aggression issues my brother in law used to say "Don't worry about it too much i was the same way as a kid and i outgrew it." He's the father of my Autistic nephew and my sister now believes he has adult Asperger's. Everything he remembers from his childhood mirrors my nephew's behavior and he used to tell my sister not to worry about him until she pieced together that he is Autistic too. Just yesterday my son was dripping water onto my bed on purpose and when i asked him why he was doing it he said "Because i want to," like it didn't occur to him that i wouldn't want him to. I'm not sure how relevant it is but my son has a complicated medical history. He was born with a heart defect and had corrective surgery at 3 days old, he had a tracheostomy from 8mths-5 years, and also had milk protein intolerance as an infant and was on a special formula after that was diagnosed. He's had five surgeries to date, and was horribly terrified of doctors until around age 6-7. I always assumed some of his agression and seeming abandonment issues probably stem from his medical history. I didn't get to hold him until he was 2 weeks old, and he never enjoyed be held as a baby or toddler. I always thought he was the kind of person who has birth trauma (he got the cord wrapped around his neck during his birth and they almost did an emergency c-section) and was just born angry. Oh, and i just remembered he wasn't fully potty trained until he was almost 5. Okay, so this is a really long post, sorry about that. I'm going to start reading and you guys tell me what you think. I'm going a little nuts right now, if you can't tell.

Peace.

Last edited by herbalmistress on 05 Feb 2010, 4:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.

have you thought of having your son diagnosed? if he is diagnosed with AS, ADHD, etc., his strengths won't disappear. they'll still be there---they can be a part of both diagnoses, and of his own personality. in addition, you have more chance of addressing behavioral and social challenges at an early age. (i wish i had had that opportunity as a child. if you wait until adulthood before identifying things, it can be a real struggle.

I think that you should get your son diagnosed. Don't be afraid of the word, autism. Autism is not the end of the world.

The thing that I don't like is that there are no exact diagnostic criteria based on physical or physiological data for AS. One is left to psychologists and their "interpretation". And here, I see people who are very different (some are wordy, some are math-wizards, some crave people some don't) but they are DX as AS. Doesn't sound logical to me.
World is made for an average joe/jane and of course it would be harder for people on the edge of Bell curve (being the lower or the higher end). Some skills, techniques can help but I don't expect the smooth ride for myself or my child. DX doesn't change anything for me but keeps not-so-smart-but-eager-to-do-something teachers or psychologists away. They remind me of nutrition experts, one day is milk helps and the other day is no it is harmful. They are mostly clueless if it is not a severe case.
I am so glad that your son is interested in biology and science, he sounds like a wonderful boy.

Thank you, my son is a wonderful boy despite being difficult at times. I'm leaning towards not diagnosing so far. I don't see much point in it if i can decide whether or not i'm certain he has AS. I'm a good researcher, i read constantly, and i don't like turning to professionals (whose opinions i don't usually trust or agree with) until i have fully realized i can't handle a situation on my own first. I'm a determined person, and a good problem solver. Coupled with fact that i have a nephew diagnosed with moderate Autism (who i am the main care giver of other than his mom), a very close relationship with his mother (my sister), and 2 other relatives with AS, i have a lot of people in my own personal life to reference from as well. There may come a point when i feel diagnosis may be beneficial, but i don't feel that way yet. I was talking to my sister about it all earlier and i have decided i will probably talk to my son about AS after i do some research and feel certain i know he has it, although i don't intend to bring it up to him, or in front of him until then. Knowing him, he'll figure out i have a secret before then anyway. It's hard to keep anything from him, as he's always very curious about what other people are doing.

Peace.

My son is only 4.5 and was diagnosed at 2.5 with PDD-NOS/possible Asperger's. I am not a doctor, but I have read countless books about AS trying to determine whether my son fit the mold for Asperger's. From what I have found, each case is different, but there are many common traits among those diagnosed with it. I went back and forth with it in my head because my son had very good eye contact and did not have very many tantrums. However, enough of it fits, that I am pretty certain that he has AS.

In reading your post, these are the things that stand out to me:

obsessive interests
little interest in peers/would rather hang out with adults
repetitive noises
fiddling with objects
poor hand writing(although my son is a little young for this, he does not hold crayons properly)
sleep problems

My son has all of these.

Also, as far as the medical history, I am not saying that his issues do not stem from that. However, my son had a normal birth, was very healthy, had no problem being exclusively breast fed, ate really well. He was my first and only son, and I waited a long time to have him, so I was holding him and showering him with love from day one, and he still came up with all of these problems. So please do not blame yourself for not being able to hold him for 2 weeks. You sound like a very loving mother and you had no control over that.

I know you are concerned about how your son will take the news, but maybe you can approach it from the manner that it is not a disease. He is not sick, his brain is just wired differently, and that is what makes him a unique person. He sounds like a very bright boy, and will probably be just fine when he finds his place in the world.

As a mother, I know how you must worry about your son. I do the same about mine, wondering what the future will hold. But I think the more knowledge we have about the condition, the more we can help them. I think it will ease your mind to go ahead and get a diagnosis.

Best of luck to you!

I think there is a strong possibility your son is AS. I remember the last thread where you asked about diagnosis, so if you are now leaning towards skipping the formal process, I trust that you have already given good thought to your child's needs for the near future, and are making an informed choice.

Interesting questions on all the birth trauma. I think it's pretty clear birth trauma does not cause AS, but could some of the co-morbids be related, or could some issues be more severe because of it? I think those are good questions. My son was an emergency C from having the cord wrapped around his neck, and experiencing severe drops in heart rate as a result. Long before I knew anything about an AS, a friend of mine who is a teacher recommended all these weird exercises, telling me that she could always pick out the C section kids, because there are things that fail to meld without the birth canal experience. OK, I thought she was a little kooky about that stuff, and didn't bother with the exercises, but looking back it's pretty clear that what she was talking about was a type of sensory integration. Would anything have changed if I'd done some of the simple and harmless (albeit seeminly wacky) things she suggested? Who knows?

Personally, I find it really helpful to know that my son's issues with writing aren't going to go away by making him "try harder," and that when he can't see my point of view he isn't just being "difficult." It also helps to know that allowing him to play certain active games or be in certain stimulating places is just asking for trouble. When you have a clue what is going on inside their brains, it makes everything easier. It answers so many questions.

As for when to tell your son ... a question to ask him sometime is a simple, "how do you feel you compare to other kids?" He is sure to have observed quite a bit, and perhaps reached some unusual conclusions. When you know where he is with that, you'll have a better guide on when to let him know your line of thinking.

Best of luck. I don't know if I could have gone done this road without professional assistance, but I haven't got homeschooling in me either. It's good that we live in a world of choices, so that each of us can select the path that works best for our unique family. It can be daunting trying to decide just what that path is, of course, but I'm still glad we get to choose.

Hello there

I was meaning to reply to your other post, but it took me a while to get everything sorted out in my head, and well, these things take time. So anyways I figure I will reply to this thread instead. For starters: Don't worry about making long posts, thats what this forum is for. If you wanted trite little word bites and meaningless retorts then you would watch the news. This forum is all about long posts and long answers because thats where you get useful replies. If you think that post is long you should read some of mine. Ive got a couple replies on this board that are at least 4000 words in length. And then of course there is some emails which top that...

If you are trying to figure out whether or not your son is 'autistic' then I am afraid you will never come to a conclusion. You see, every person is unique, and as such no two people are the same. When you try to stuff people into little boxes like autistic or not autistic, you wind up doing them a disservice. As you have said yourself, simply knowing your child's struggles and helping him with them is more important then whatever label the child happens to have. So in that regard, getting your child a label really doesn't matter. And if you decide not to go for it then that is fine with me. I personally grew up, went to college, got a job, and now live independently having never received any professional psychiatric diagnosis. Your brother in law also probably has a similar story. However, that being said, a label does bring about certain advantages.

1. One of the best ways to know how to help your child, and what might work best for them is to find other people who have been through similar circumstances, and ask for their advice. For example, you said your brother in law has some of the same aggression issues as your son. He may be an excellent person to talk to and figure out what helped him develop self control, and what he might suggest for your son. There are also other people who may come from similar circumstances who would have relevant advice. Likewise, you may want some advice in how to deal with your child from a parent's point of view. In which case you would need to find other parents who have similar children. That is where a label can be beneficial. It helps to group people with similarities together. Obviously no two people are exactly alike, but if your son fits the criteria for asperger's syndrome, then asking other people with asperger's syndrome (or their parents) for advice is likely to get you more relevant and useful information then simply asking random strangers. Likewise, reading books about asperger's syndrome may help you to better understand what is going on more then just reading standard parenting books.

2. A label can be useful in getting services if they are necessary. This is more so relevant to children who attend public schooling and have to put up with all the bureaucracy involved. Often times getting your son's teachers to treat your child differently is impossible unless you have a label and paperwork to back it up. This is likely not a major concern for you since you home school. But if you ever do decide to attend public school, it may be an option worth exploring.

3. A label is useful in helping the person understand how they relate to the rest of the world. This part may seem somewhat blunt, but allow me to give you my full and complete opinion about this matter. TELL YOUR SON ABOUT IT NOW!! !! !! If it helps you to understand my point better, then please imagine that last sentence is in flashing red letters. You see, I don't care whether or not you go to a psychologist and get your child officially diagnosed. Having the official stamp of approval on some record isn't going to change who your son is, or what his strengths and difficulties are. But if your son knows that he isn't just some random freak who has everything wrong with him then it makes a world of difference. Suddenly he isn't just some strange guy who can't do anything right. He isn't wrong just because he doesn't think like a normal person. He is different, but it isn't a bad thing, and its not his fault. I cannot stress this enough. No matter what you decide to do, just sit down with your son and talk about this with him.

You don't need to go into all the details and tell him about the history of the condition, possible presentations or anything like that. All you need to do is sit down with him and tell him a few simple things.

A. You love him, and you aren't going to think any less of him, or treat him any worse no matter what he is like.
B. You have been reading and you may have found something which could help both of you understand each other better.
C. You think he may have a different thought process then a normal child which leads to him viewing the world differently. Not any better or worse, just differently. You would like to talk it over with your son, and get his input. Does he agree that the condition sounds like him, or no? You may also want to provide him with some reading material so he can read it over and make his own decision. I would recommend the book 'freaks, geeks, and asperger's syndrome'. It was written by a 13 year old so it probably would be understandable to your son.

I cannot stress how much of a relief it is to know that there are other people out there like you. I didn't find out about the term asperger's syndrome until I was 21, and so I can tell you that it is possible to grow up and live life without ever knowing. However, that meant for 2 decades I was left wondering what was wrong with me and why I was so different. Trust me when I tell you this: your son KNOWS he is different, and if you don't tell him why, he will start guessing on his own. It may not seem like your son knows that he is different, but by age 12 it is readily apparent to him, even if he doesn't say anything to you.

Lets put it this way, telling him about this is like having the talk about sex. I know it isn't very comfortable, but its a very important thing to talk about. If you don't tell him about sex, then he is going to get his information from other sources like the TV and school gossip, neither of which are good sources. That's why you want to explain everything to him clearly in mature terms. Asperger's syndrome is the same way, but more important. Sex is only a part of your life, but the way you think and interact with your world is the entirety of your life. Do you think its better that he get some information from you in a constructive and supportive way, or would you rather he never know and start guessing what in the world is wrong with him?

P.S.

Sounds like my kind of guy. Has he watched Modern Marvels on the history channel yet? I think that would be right up his alley.

Actually, he and my husband have watched it together and he did enjoy it.

As for everything else you said in your reply, i think i understand where you are coming from, and although i don't intend to go into an evaluation process any time soon, i do intend to talk to him about AS soon. Thank you for your reply. It gives me a lot to think about, and i appreciate the time and thought you invested in your response.

Peace.

My son wasnt diagnosed until he was 19.

Until then, we (his family) just thought he was different and that was okay. He is very bright with a great sense of humour as well as sensitive and caring (plus being an indigo child). Because I was (from the time he was 7) a single Mum living in a town with no family around us, I had a lot of support from great friends and a lot of them had children around the same age as my 3. My son Shea is in the middle with an older brother and younger sister who are very social. This helped him a lot with social skills as we always had other people around. He always had friends but primary school was difficult for him. He absolutely blossomed at intermediate (I think that is known as Junior High in America) and while he still had his very close best friends he was extremely popular.

The fact that he was different made things easier in some ways because he had this large support group of friends who kept an eye on him all the time (including his siblings friends) and heaven help anyone who tried to bully him or treat him badly!!

He still has huge support from our friends now which is great because he can convince himself that he is isolated and alone very quickly! Thank goodness for cell phones.

High School was not good - he struggled (mainly because of close minded people who should never have been allowed to teach anywhere!!) and then left school all together. Once he makes his mind up about something that's it - I think it is easier to run into a brick wall!! Finding a job then became a major mission and several years on he still is not working!! The differences between him and other kids became more and more obvious as he got older.

The diagnosis, while a relief as it explained so much, has also been very difficult for him as he struggles to accept that his differences actually have a label. He tells people he has asparagus disease.

So talk to your son about things now. It will definitely help as he gets older.

I am not sorry that I have a son with Aspergers because I wouldnt swap him for a "neurotypical" if you paid me. He is fantastic company, loving, generous, funny and interesting. But I do wish we had known earlier why he was different so that when it came to high school and working we would have had been more prepared and he wouldnt be floundering so much now.