My Daughter and her deadbeat dad???

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Hello everyone. I have a question on how should I tell my daughter that her father does not want anything to do with her or me. My daughter's father is a bum and I know that but my daughter is asking me why she does not have a dad like her friends. I do not know what I should tell her. My daughter is "normal", she does not have aspergers or autism. It is hard for me to explain to her because I do not want to upset her. If anyone has any suggestions, I will be grateful. Thank You!

If she asks - and only if she asks - you tell her that some people are not very good at showing their feelings and letting those they love know how they really feel, and let it go at that.

Only the most selfish, childish and petty parent in the world ever tells their child that the other parent is 'a bum' - even if they believe it to be true. Attempting to cultivate ill will in a child's heart toward their parent(s) is an evil, despicable thing to do.

Whatever bad feelings exist between you and your ex are between the two of you and should never be shared with her. Marinate in those poisonous feelings if you choose, but do not contaminate your child with your own toxic emotions.

I wouldn't phrase it like that. She may interpret that as a failing on her part, that's she is to blame for her father's absence. I have a similar situation. My son has not really known his father since he was 9 months old. He saw him once at 31/2 and spoke to him briefly in 2nd grade which was years ago. He doesn't ask anymore but I told him his father has a lot of problems and he didn't believe he could be a good father so he thought it was best not to try. I don't think there's ever a perfect answer and I think it's a matter of trying to do the least amount of damage. My oldest brother is from a brief unhappy first marriage of my mother's. She gave birth after they had separated and she never saw or spoke to her ex again. So later in life he went searching and found him and met his father for the first time at age 34. My brother is very successful but will always carry that insecurity with him because of his father's rejection. Just emphasize that even grownups are confused and scared and make sure she understands that it's not her fault and her father is the one who is missing out on not knowing her.

I was not going to phrase it like that. I was asking for suggestion on what to tell her. I was trying to be direct with what my question was on here so people understood.

My daughter has never met her father. He left when I was a few weeks pregnant with her. She has asked before but I changed the subject. I have aspergers but my daughter does not. Was wondering if i should just flat out tell her or not?

How old is your daughter? Development is critical - how old she is will inform your conversation.

When you criticize or speak hatefully about the other parent, the child absorbs this as criticism or hatred of herself.

I agree with Willard here. Keep it simple. I would probably first tackle the "everyone has a dad" by emphasizing that families come in all types. "You see Susie, she only has a Mom....Jennifer has two Dads.... Katie lives with her grandparents....Dylan lives with his Dad sometimes and his Mom sometimes. So, it seems like every child has a Dad, but actually we have lots of different families."

And then depending on age, I might emphasize that grown ups are sometimes unable to be present in the way they would like to. In a perfect world, her Dad would love to be there for her because she is a wonderful girl. But it is not a perfect world for him and we don't know why. You are a lovely child, and this has nothing to do with you. Adults are sometimes sick, or unable to function properly and this isn't your fault.

My Daughter is 9 years old. I might wait until she is older to tell her about her father. I do not know where he father is at this moment. I haven't heard from him in about 10 years.

In a sense you are very lucky, not only does she not know him, but he did not leave after being an abusive prick (at least not to her). So you are free to just say, "He was afraid he was not up to being a parent." and leave it at that.

That sort of response is not possible for everyone. I had my son's Stockholm syndrome to contend with when I got him back from his father. You really cannot be nice about the other contributor of genetic material in that case.

Sorry, I guess I was reading it too literally. Willard is right but even the best attempts can backfire. My mother was careful not to denigrate her ex but I think my brother could still pick up on her tension whenever he was mentioned. Whenever I asked her about it when I was younger she would say the "details were too sordid". I was imagining satanic rituals. When she finally told me, I had been through the mill a few times and he just sounded like a garden variety sh!t to me.

Two words:

Immaculate conception.

Heh. Well, I've had a dad who really was a bum, and it would've been nice to see my mom admit it.

But just stick to the facts. "Your dad left us in (year); he said it was because (reason)..." etc. You might have to make sure she knows it wasn't anything she did. I mean, it's not logical to think that a little kid could somehow make her dad leave; but apparently some kids get that impression.

I never wrote anywhere that I was going to tell my precious daughter any of those things. I do not understand why you think that and why you are implying I will. Your post seems very negative.

It's okay. I will talk to her about it when she gets older. She asks why there is no one to help me but I do not answer or I change the subject. I have difficulties walking and she is all I have and she helps me a great deal. I do not want to upset her.

Oh my. This is tough. My daughter's father was a deadbeat and only called when child support services caught up with him.(He was pretty much out of the picture when she was in diapers.) He'd say "hi" to the kid and then ask to talk to me and the song-and-dance was always the same: tell them to stop garnishing my wages. (Uh, no.)

I'd worry less about explaining the dad situation than dealing with the social repercussions. While we lived in our current state the problem of not fitting in at school wasn't so bad. There are a lot of single parents here, divorced parents, gay parents, military parents on deployment, kids raised by grandparents, kids in foster care... we were just one more scenario. Unfortunately, when she was younger, we lived in a southern state and the teachers were just AWFUL about doing "mother's day" gifts and "father's day gifts" etc at school. Totally insensitive to the kids in the class who weren't two-parent, mom stays at home families. When my daughter would say she didn't have a father they'd not handle it well at all - one told her to make it for another male relative. She doesn't have any and told them so. The teacher made clucking noises and did some "you poor thing" babble, to which the kid, at 8, said "well, I live in a family where my mother loves me and that's a lot better than in a family where there's a dad there only because he doesn't want to pay child support and they fight all the time." (I had never used the phrase "child support" in front of her - she picked it up from the other kids. Kids are like sponges - you'd be amazed what they soak in!)

I had to go to the office for a conference on that one, as they busted her for "giving them lip". We moved as soon as I could get the money together, to somewhere sane.

Anyway, what I told her is that not everyone is cut out to be a parent. Some people do not grow up and shoulder their responsibilities, and nobody but that person can do anything about it. Unfortunately, her father was one of those. Maybe someday he would grow up, but since he was already well along it was not looking too good. I emphasized that there was nothing wrong with her and that she had not done anything that caused the situation. She seemed ok with that. Then I did not mention it again unless she asked something related, and then I would not dwell on it - quick answer, check to see if it was what she was wanting to know, and on to something else.

Hi Scooter,

It's a tough one! I think it's a good idea to give her information that is appropriate to her age, however, it's also important that you say something, and say enough to satisfy her curiosity because otherwise she is likely to use her imagination to find reasons for his absence. And what she imagines could be damaging to her. For example she might conclude that it's her fault he's not there, which is a common thing for kids in similar situations to think. If you're not sure what to say, perhaps a counselor could advise on how to go about it?

I'm locking this thread because we have reason to believe the OP wasn't who they claimed to be, and I don't want our good hearted parents wasting time trying to help with a problem that doesn't likely exist.