Autism Jealousy with step parent

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My partner and i have been together for about 18 months, living together for a year of that. He has a 14 year old daughter from his previous marriage, who is Autistic.

My partner has most of her care - and she see's her mother some weekends. She's pre-pubescent. She is in a mainstream school, but in special unit. I am not sure how serious her autism is. I find that she communicates very well but has trouble speaking because of a cleft palate - makes noises when she eats too fast, and odd noises when breathing sometimes too. She doesn't have a lot of friends, but when she is around friends she socialises fine. Loves reading, and loves her dog.

For the first year we were together, she and i got along very well. I picked her up from school regularly, we did all sorts of activities together - and we got along really well. There was the odd bit of jealousy - but nothing serious. I made a big effort from day one that it was the '3' of us and not 2 vs 2. She used to tell me that she loved me, and ask me for cuddles. We did loads of stuff together, and we were considering applying for full time custody (after her mother completely disappeared for a while). While i sometimes found it full on, i also loved having her round.

In the last six months, things have turned 180degrees. She's decided she doesn't want me there anymore, and is making it known. It started mostly after a two week holiday with her mother (the mother and father are not on speaking terms).

She constantly tells her father in front of me that "you stopped caring for me when she came along", "you neglect me", "you don't love me", "im not coming home until she leaves", "why does she live here now". She says more things like this repetitively and on a loop. We have had the 'just because i love her doesn't mean i dont love you' conversation so many times.

She physically pushes me, pinches me, scratches. She's locked me out of the house a few times. Throws my things in the bin. Throws her old food on my plate at dinner etc etc etc etc

She doesn't answer me any more when i speak to her, and normally faces the floor. Its her new way of 'getting attention' in a way - because now, as soon as she's bored: it starts.

My partner seems to have endless patience with this and calmly answers her questions and requests. He has gotten mad a few times and struggles with knowing when to be stern because shes being rude, and when to be loving because she's feeling so many feelings.

I used to have so much patience and endless time for her - and now... its completely run out. Its constant, completely constant and horrible. It makes our home difficult to live in. Its like im constantly under attack and i dont want to be around her anymore. As soon as my partner is in conversation with me, she calls out for him and its starting to impact seriously on our relationship.

Generally, when she gets home from school - i am pretty much isolated to my room as she wont let me sit on the couch, and is so horrible.. i just hide. I know that can't help, but i feel like he should do more, as there isn't anything else i can say. I'm not going to yell at her, or send her to her room - thats his job... but really.. i dont have the strength to be constantly pushed around..

I have no idea how much of this is to do with her Autism, and how much is to do with normal teenage hormones, and how much is to do with her mother saying things to her, and how much is to do with her just being possessive of her father.

Any hints, tips, advice?

By the timing, it sure sounds to me like her mother at least planted an idea in the daughter's head that you are somehow the cause of whatever is wrong with the her life.

Is she meeting with a counselor? A think that would be the best way for her to get at her issues and deal with them, and figure out that she is quite a bit off about her latest ideas on you. I don't think you or your partner will be able to solve it, now that you've become the bad guy.

Once you feel you've gotten to work on dealing with the core of the problem, the daughter does need to know there are some boundaries. It can be explained to her that you don't know what her issue is, as much as you would like her to talk to you about it, but whatever the issue is does not excuse her being rude to you, and that there will be consequences for that continued rudeness. Be very clear about what the boundaries are, precisely and logically (AS are very literal), and what the consequences are, and then stick to it. The consequences don't have to be severe, just consistent, so that she understands the rules are the rules and they will be enforced. I rather hate doing that with kids, but in this situation something has to be done, and she should be quite capable of responding to well outlined structure. Clarity, allow time for transitions and compliance, and be extremely literal.

i have a similar situation where my 13 yr old is from my former marriage, and my SO and i have been living together since my son was 2. even after all that time, we still come across issues like this.

i would agree it sounds like she picked up some ideas from someone outside your home. it could be her mother, or it could be someone else she interacted with. it could come from something she overheard that wasnt meant for her ears. it could just be something she picked up from comments made about you or her father.

one way to address it is to get her mother on board. i know you say the parents arent on speaking terms, but maybe he could attempt to talk to her calmly about this, not in an accusatory manner but just a "this is something we are struggling with and we dont know where it came from" kind of way. the mother should be the one to deal with things in her own house and making sure inappropriate conversations are not happening with or around the girl. if they have a divorce or custody agreement, they sometimes include clauses about negative talk about the other parent/household; id look into that as it may be a legal bargaining chip for this type of conversation.

and you and your partner need to get on the same boat. sit down and talk it out with him. you BOTH need to be addressing it in the same way, same consequences. you must put up a united front and the girl needs to see that you BOTH find the behavior unacceptable and you BOTH will administer discipline for it. if he is available you can let him take the lead on it, but you simply cannot let it lie if it happens when he isnt around. all that does is tell her she can treat you like crap, as long as dad isnt around.

one thing i notice with my son is that if he thinks my SO and i are arguing/fighting, he will try to take sides with me by acting or speaking negatively to my SO. its like he is trying to curry favor with me by ganging up against my opponent. all it does is get him in trouble, but he keeps trying it anyway.

i would agree counseling may be good for her, as well as just the two of you sitting down with her and asking where these ideas came from. you may be able to find out what she heard and who she heard it from. i have done this with my son on occasion and its gotten us over some rough patches. its shocking what adults will say to a child who isnt even old enough to understand adult relationships.

It sounds like she is a terrible bully to you. It's natural for her to have some strong feelings about what's going on and at her age but I don't think it's a good idea to let her mistreat you. I think a councelor can help her to find more appropriate ways to express her feelings and can help you find ways to appropriately discipline her. Thowing her old food on your plate and keeping you trapped in your bedroom are very aggressive and serious behavioral problems. Letting her get away with that kind of bullying can set her up for big problems late. She needs to find better ways to cope than bullying and abusing people.

I wish you all the best.