Having a child a good idea?

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I've been thinking long and hard about if I were to have a child, or at least to raise one. I considered many things. My family genetics is riddled with bi-polar types and ADHD all the way back to what I suspect is many generations of "screw-ups and oddballs" as unkind souls would say. I'm definitely not normal (thank god).

My question is if I were to have/raise a child and I know for a fact the odds of picking up autism is at least 50% and bi-polar much higher, would I be cursing this child to a terrible life of mental instability or bringing in a new mind that can achieve/change something?

Borrow one from a friend for a few hours a day. I would happily send you my youngest teenager but you would probably return it . This one eat huge amounts, litters house with clothes and drops food. Cute when small. OK when past teens. Can be expensive.

Older one has slight aspie traits but has always been incredibly sociable . Hence house always full of other people's kids . This involves interaction with other parents, and much NT partner explaining.

Interestingly my older child got a fixation with a cartoon female around the age of eight. He also collected cartoon figures and most are in boxes still in pristine condition. He now "collects" girlfriends with a similar appearance to cartoon female. You have to avoid pointing this out to the girlfriends and remember their names. It is good that boys bring home their girlfriends. You might enjoy this ,or not.

Having a half-aspie with extreme social skills is very interesting and useful. You can take them shopping with you. On long car journeys you can interrogate them about the underlying reasons for all those inexplicable little bits of NT behavior you have never quite understood. When they return home for a visit you have to check their luggage on the way out. More likely than not they will try to steal your socks and other items of clothing, light bulbs, tools etc.

Haha! They also enjoy eating human brains and sneaking around in dark caves. Yes, children are very helpful as evil goblins. Now give me some real advice.

I sometimes wonder about this. I could handle an aspy or HFA, but if my genes get amplified.... I just couldn't deal with a sever autistic or something debilitating like that. Considering that I'd probably only have kids with a nerdy type, there is a high probability of this. Temple Grandin herself says so.

Real Advice? In an odd sort of way I just did. You have to learn to think like them.

Example : Teenagers do not always tell the truth , or rather they have the capacity to present it in multiple layers and you have to figure out the key layer and then build meaning using key layer as central point of reference.

It is not a simple process.

They can be deliberately infuriating, chaotic, rude, and you have to stand there and take it and deal with it.

I wouldn't ever work in an NT environment ever again. It is torture. But you can't choose not to live with an NT child when he or she stops being cute , and child-like and starts to intentionally trying to piss you off. This can be hard to deal with.

Oh... I thought you were joking. My oops.

I was, but about real things. You have to learn to do this with NT children. It's called ambivalent humor. It is like doing two or more things at the same time. You might have to tell them not to
fill the toilet with toilet paper because it will block it up, but somehow you have to let them know that it was wrong but you understand why it could be fun(ny) to them. It's a tone of voice.


( The last time they did this it blocked up in the outside pipe . The weight of the water broke the plastic fittings holding the soil stack to the wall, the union came undone and the yard was covered in a sluice crap and the only way I found out was when the dog trod in some of it before it came in.)

There's not a person on this planet who, left alone with a shrink long enough, couldn't be diagnosed with SOMETHING. There is no such thing as normal. Quit worrying about it.

In my experience, the closer to typical a person is, the more boring, complacent and non-creative they are. I think you have to have at least a few demons in your psyche to drive you to some sort of creative expression, whether its art, science or engineering.

Children are the most wonderful people in the world (even when they're being awful), as long as their yours. Its other people's kids that can get annoying as hell.

I will send you my two sharks (ahem children) neither of them are potty trained and neither of them nap. The big shark has Autism and the small shark I'm told is NT(but I've a nasty suspicion about that she's utterly cold and very clumsy)

They remove their own diapers pooped/peed in diapers at that and leave them everywhere, the big one chews holes in his clothes, and the small one is learning how to have tantrums. Neither of them sleep the big one takes 3 hrs to get down and the small one is up 17 times a night.

meanwhile I will go and rent a peaceful hotel room.

There are no guarantees in life regardless of your own family history. If you want children and think you could love them and are willing to do your best to raise them regardless of how they turn out, then you go for it. If you have tons of, "I couldn't deal with it if my child was ..." in your mind, then you don't have kids.

Nothing about being a parent has fit into the visions I had before taking the leap. That is the curse and the beauty of it. It is an amazing journey, but one whose route cannot be seen before you've stepped on the path and the way back blocked. For some reason, this is how it is supposed to be. So, you just do it. Our survival of the species instincts drive us into it, and help us through it. In the process, you learn one heck of a lot about life.

One of mine didn't sleep either. I'm not sure if yours have developed the physical capacity yet ,but this one repeatedly kicked the timber frame bedroom wall so hard at night the plaster eventually fell off it. One solution is to fix sheet plywood in the area repeatedly kicked.

Shared bedroom and drove his older brother crazy. I had to do an attic conversion in a house not really suited to it.

And that was when your word was Law and you didn't have to negotiate with a teenager which takes the same skills as a stage hostage negotiation over something as slight as what time they have to get up in order to do something for their own benefit.

It is a tough decision. I have a son, who is diagnosed as HFA. It was his diagnosis that led to me understanding my own AS and how it had affected me as a child as well as into adulthood. I love my son, and never wish that he had not been born or think that his life has any less value or wonder because of the differences in how we both see the world. He's an absolute treasure to me. But I've also made the decision not to have more children, because I think it would be irresponsible for me to do so due to the combination of challenges in providing for children, the possibility of other health issues (both my side and my wife's), and the idea of raising a child in my 40s or 50s doesn't have a great deal of appeal to me. My ex-fiancee has made a decision (and a change from when we were together) to have children with her husband-to-be, despite the fact that there is a 50% chance that she will pass on a fatal neurodegenerative condition on to her child from her side of the family, and a 50% chance from his family of passing on a congenital bone disorder that will leave them fragile and likely wheelchair bound for the majority of their lives. I don't agree with it; the risks are tremendous, the costs high, and the alternative options abundant... but it is their decision that they will have to live with the consequences of - I can only hope the child does not suffer for their selfishness.


M.

I think you have to decide how bad you want to be a mother. Being a parent is about what you can give to your child. It is not all about what they are going to give to you. I did not know that my son would be born with autism. He seems to be on the high functioning end, but it is still a challenge. However, I would not trade him for the world. He is a special and unique creation by God. I can't imagine my life without him. Being a parent is hard work to any child. But the rewards are awesome. Good luck in your decision!

Nobody but you (and your potential mate) can decide if you should/would/could have children. They are both the most wonderful fascinating stressfull awe inspiring irritating things out there. If you think that you could/would pass on some unsavory genetics then you could see an obgyn or other doctor about the risks. Also, think really hard about what type of a parent you would be. Even the best of all people lose it from time to time, and kids will test your every limit. I'm not trying to imply you can't do it, I'm just saying that you are right to give the matter a lot of serious thought.

First, you are miles ahead of most people already, by even giving childbearing any serious forethought. I think it's really important to remember that ALL people have the risk of giving birth to a child with serious disorders. I had to keep this in mind when choosing to have my own children, since my mother was schitzophrenic (although it's nowhere else in my family - but still, by virtue of her diagnosis my kids are much more statistically vulnerable to it). Lots of people with no disorders in their family tree, still give birth to kids with special needs. If everyone stopped having kids out of fear, well, there goes humanity.

The vast majority of people think they wouldn't be able to handle it, and the vast majority of people who end up in that situation, actually handle it very well. There are two ways to look at your situation: the way you are right now (the Worrier way), or the Expert way. Meaning, even if you did have a child with challenges, you will already by an Expert in what they are going through. You'll be way ahead of parents like me who started out clueless.

If you are emotionally stable (as stable as any of us can be given the human condition), mature enough to genuinely put someone else's needs and wants above your own 24/7, and you are kind, then you are fully capable of raising a child - any child. That doesn't mean you personally should, only you can know the answer to that. But it does mean you need to accept that you can't control what kind of child you will have, you can only control how much you want them, and how much you love them.

But you will need to free your mind of worries before you can clearly find your answer.

Best wishes

Thank you fellas. This gives me a lot of food for thought. I need to run my mind over the responsibility of child bearing for a while longer if I'm obviously too terrified and excited at the same time. I will now go into the "thinker" pose (literal humor if I executed my joke terribly).