Need advice about NT daughter

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I hope that this is an okay place to post this. I have an 11 yo (will be 12 next month) NT daughter that I'm at a loss as to how to deal with some of her behavior. I figured that maybe some NT parents, especially moms, my be able to give some insight.

Lately, she has been getting herself into trouble on-line. She joins groups that aren't age appropriate on youtube, and facebook. We have warned her, and taken away the computer, and her youtube channel. Nothing seems to work. We are now moving her computer out of her room, and into the living room with the other one, so it's less private. She has no computer privileges at this time, because I found out a couple days ago that she 'accidentally' signed up for a dating site that she was directed to from Twitter, and didn't know how to delete it, so she has just left it up for the last month while strange men send her messages. I do believe that she may have been tricked into signing up for the site, but she should've told me right away so that we could delete it, not try to hide it. I'm not sure when/if to give her computer privileges back. It feels wrong to not let her have access to it, but she isn't trustworthy, and has proven that. Even though she is NT, she has special interests, and part of hers has to do with the computer. Her youtube channel for example, is one of the ways she pursues her special interest. She isn't very social, so if I were to take away the internet, she'd be pretty bored, and lonely. Also, she is dyslexic, and she has found that she is very good at making videos, and some other creative things on-line. This is in sharp contrast to the wall flower she is at school in hopes that no one knows how much she struggles with reading and writing. Discovering these talents has increased her self esteem a lot. She finally feels like she's found something that she's good at. I really, really don't want to take that away. I fear that if I take away the one thing that she feels successful at that she will feel despondent about everything, and stop trying at all. At the same time, I can't just let her behave however she wants. She's 11 going on 17, at least you'd think being around her! I just don't know how to handle this.

You could try installing some sort of parental control programme. We use K9 Web Protection for my little bro, it's pretty darn decent for free. You can get even better if you're willing to pay.

Some of the nicer programmes will allow you to create an 'only' type list. Instead of allowing anything but certain things, they will ask you every time you access a new page what to do with it. With a solid password she caint guess, you can basically force her to allow you to monitor her. It'll only work at home though, and school computers have horrid security software.

You could even make it a privilege she earns. As she becomes more trustworthy, allow more access. You can still block the big ones easily, porn, chatrooms, that sort, but give her more google freedom over time.

From what I hear, no one knows how to handle an 11 year old NT girl, so at least you can know you are not alone! My daughter is 9 and I already see much of the same looming ... In real life, we parents share a lot of "grrrrssss" about our girls.

I think keeping all computers in a public area of the house was a solid place to start. After that, see what controls you can add, and make plans to review her on-line history daily (I'm leaning towards not telling her of the plan and not letting her know what you find, but that is up for debate - I don't have an 11 year old daughter yet, just a 12 year old son, who is more going on 10 than 17). Our school district lines up a lot of speakers regarding keeping kids safe on-line, and I would actively look for something like that in your area. I think those are generally for the parents. In addition, a workshop geared towards your daughter's age group would be a great thing for her to attend, if you could find one - remember that girls this age will listen to adults, just not the ones that are their parents, so classes/workshops/books may get the message through better.

Perhaps a reasonable consequence is to draw in the security tighter, and require that she attend on-line safety education. She won't want to give up an afternoon or morning for the education, so it will carry the weight of a consequence. And it is very real life, if you think about it: Kind of like opting for traffic school when you get a driving ticket. Or make it a choice: lose computer time, pay a hefty fine, or opt for a class to earn it back.

I wish you luck. I don't look forward to those years with my daughter.

Well, she is 11 years old and becoming an adult. You can't sensor the world for her own good. Perhaps if she was 7 I could see the need to use parental control software because 7 year old children wouldn't understand the adult content. But when she hits 11 and is starting puberty then she is on her way to adulthood.

If you are worried about her signing up for adult material online then perhaps you should sit down with her and explain everything that she is looking up. She is clearly looking something up because she is interested in adult information (a good sign of growing maturity). You can pretend that their is no adult information, control the computer, and go into denial, but your child isn't going to buy that. Since your child is becoming and adult, she is still going to be curious about adult things. If you take away her computer she will just get the information from some place else. And some place else may not be any safer then the computer in her room.

You can either explain things to her personally in a mature way, thus allowing her to be informed, or you can try to restrict access and force her to figure things out from scraps and pieces of often misleading information. Keep in mind that your young child is growing up into a mature adult, and that does mean mature interests. You may not think of your daughter as having mature interests, but she does. It is part of the adolescent process.

So, my basic advice is to talk with her about what she is looking up and give her all the information she needs. I would then discuss things like safe browsing habits (don't give out names, phone numbers, address, etc.) and then let her go at it. And let her know that you are available to answer any questions. Yes it may be embarrassing and somewhat awkward to do, but it is better than her having to sneak off to the library to find out information that she should be able to get at home with somebody to ask questions of.


P.S. Sorry I am not a NT woman, but looking up adult information online isn't something that only NT women do

I think you're on the right track. I'm sure she's smart enough to get around parental controls if she so chooses. It's very important that you try to talk to her and keep the lines of communication open. Even if she rejects your attempts they may secretly mean a lot to her, even though she'd probably rather chew off her right arm than admit it.

I've never raised a girl or an NT. My sons are all in the spectrum. I was once an NT 11yo girl, and it wasn't pretty. I do have ADHD, and I'm very quirky so NT is probably not the right term for me, but I'm not in the spectrum. Your daughter sounds a lot like me except we didn't have computers when I was her age (punch cards were still in use when I was in High School). I read, and read and read. I had a few friends, and felt very lonely though I didn't like to admit it.

Your daughter may be secretly desperate for more social interaction, but not wanting to seek it because it's not been a fun experience for her in the past. If you could find a way for her to spend some time with other kids who she'd enjoy, like through a computer club or something like that, she might feel a lot better.

When I was searching for something else I found a free online class about internet safety and social networking sites at www.hoagies.org. It's on their home page at the moment. Maybe you could do that with her.

I've heard that Net Nanny is a very good tool to use, to deal with stuff like that.

Kip Thanks for the advice. I'll consider that web program. I think that I am going to have to start out with only so much access, and let her gain more as she earns it.


DW_a_mom Thanks for just letting me know that everyone struggles with this, and it's not something that I'm doing wrong. I don't think an internet safety course would help, because it's not like we haven't gone over the same stuff over, and over.

Tracker I wish it was just an issue of her looking up info. It's not. It's more about her behaving like she's an adult, when she's not one. She can ask me anything she wants about sexual related topics, and I'll answer her. The issue that I'm having is that her behavior is not what I would call age appropriate, or respectful. I'm afraid that she's going to behave in a manner that will have very long term consequences for her. It doesn't help that she's already gone through puberty, and doesn't look like she's 11. She looks closer to 16, and she knows it, and uses it to her advantage. She's an attention seeker. One that has already surpassed me in the social skills dept. That's why I wanted NT women's opinion, though anyone else is welcome to answer. It's just that she is a world away from what most AS girls would be doing, or behaving like.

Kiley I think you're right, she is desperate for social interaction. Well, attention anyway. She will be out of school tomorrow, then she'll spend a good part of the day at the pool. So far, that's the only activity that I've been able to get her interested in. She only has one female friend, all the rest are male. Which is fine, except it does cut down a little on activities, like sleepovers, ect...

Thanks everyone!

It's also about two world's away from what an AS boy would be doing at this age.

Tracker, you know I adore you but there is a very real safety issue that you aren't tuned into because, well, you're a guy Who hasn't had kids yet. In the pre-teen years girls become women and boys are still boys. Walk the halls of a middle school and it is visibly obvious.

Girls grow up too fast physically for their own good, and their bodies become ready for things they are not emotionally or intellectually ready for way too early for their own good. Add to that the reality that if a girl makes a mistake, it's likely to be extremely costly in altering her life pretty much forever. Teen boy - not so much. NT teen and pre-teen girls have no idea that their instincts are actually putting them into extremely dangerous situations, but plenty of adult men fully realize it and try to take advantage of it. I look back at my own young years and shudder at the things I did and what went through my head, and I was considered a "good" girl. There is also the simple fact that boys tend to satisfy their curiosity relatively one-sided activities, looking at pictures and videos, where girls are drawn to more interactive activities that involve other people. The danger is in those other people.

Serenity, whether or not you think a class would actually get through to her is less than point than having to sit through it be a consequence that reinforces the message, "you aren't acting like you know this and if you can't act like you know it, we're going to make you sit through another lecture on it." Just like grown ups and traffic school.

Well then, it seems I misunderstood the problem. In any case good luck.

i'd disagree with that. at 11 a girl is no where near becoming an adult. not only can you sensor the world, you MUST. especially if she is prematurely developed and is aware of her body's effect on males. the internet can strip away every safeguard we put in place for our kids.

not to scare monger, but in 2003, a 15 yr old girl that one of my children knew met a man online. she thought she was old enough. she willingly ran away from her parents house with him, and only returned a month later to be buried. we lived in a small town in a very safe area. the internet can basically link your house with every pedofile on the planet.

we didnt allow our oldest to have an internet connected computer in his room until he was 12. he is a very naive child tho, and unable to keep secrets from us. he has his own email and facebook accounts; i know all his passwords and check his accts and he knows this. i read his emails, watch what he does on facebook (we're friended there =P), and he must have videos approved by us before he is allowed to post them on youtube. if he was more worldly or secretive, i doubt he would have as much freedom as what little he does.

we did have his computer in the living room for quite a long time, that way you can watch everything that goes on. we have at times had it in his room but with no internet access, that way he cant get in trouble online.

there is a program called LogMeIn that you may want to look into. its got a free version, lets you log into another computer and see exactly what is happening on the screen. that way you could log in from the living room and see what she is doing in her room on the computer if you choose to let her have it back in her room. you can also control her computer from yours that way, close things down, install programs, etc. https://secure.logmein.com/US/products/free/

last but not least, check into routers with built in parental controls. you can get them for decent prices, some do charge a fee for the control services, but you can get it for as low as $20/yr. netgear was beta testing one not long ago with controls that didnt require a subscription service, but i dont think thats out yet. prevents a child from messing with control settings on their own computer.

Ah yes. The "my parents don't realize I'm a Grown Up Woman and not a Little Baby Girl" phase. I remember it well. Since my time was pre-internet, it manifested with revealing clothes and secretly applied makeup when out of their sightline. Also flirting with highschool boys. She is motivated by probably a similar (or same!) impulse but since she's a wallflower, and the internet exists, she's doing it online instead of in person.

And it is dangerous. Which is why you are nervous.

Something that really helped keep me safe (aside from random good luck) were safer ways to practice Being A Grown Woman. She's too young for an afterschool, job but when she's old enough, that is the safest way to channel that urge to be a grownup. I had one as soon as I could. I know times have changed and the economy is bad, but if it becomes possible, encourage that.

Also, see if you can find a non-school way for her to practice her newfound video skills. She's a wallflower at school and that's become her persona but a community-based, not-school-affiliated video class/workshop/club could be a way for her to come out of that shell. Thew urge to socialize is there. It's just getting channeled in an unsafe way because she doesn't feel like she can spread her wings at school without being laughed at. Maybe a summer arts camp could be an opportunity for socializing because she won't have to be a wallflower to hide her dyslexia. She could hone her video skills and make non-school friends.
Non-school friends would give her a way to socialize other than faking being an adult on the internet.

I have a related question about this phase for those who know. How would the phase be different if the young lady already had a lot of 'safe' adult friends? In our case, a lot of our ballroom dance friends are already getting to know our daughter, even though she's only 2, so she'll probably have a lot of adult friends by the time she's 10.

I'm extrapolating from my own young experience and the experience of my (kid) friends at the time so the following may or may not apply...



In my memory (myself and friends at the time) it depends on how those adults are perceived and how they interact with the child (who thinks she is not a child but a Grownup Woman, Stop Treating Me Like A Child). If she is actively involved with whatever it is (ballroom dancing in your case) and is not just being taken along in the hopes it will somehow stick and if she perceives the adults as mentors and they treat her as an apprentice, it will be a safe place to play at being an adult. But if she has no active interest in it and perceives the adults as merely Mom and Dad's friends who are nice to her, it won't make much difference.

Where this works best is when the child gets involved in a community activity independent of Mom and Dad. After all, "independent of Mom and Dad" is a driving force. I saw this with a friend who got involved in community theater (her parents were friends with some of the adults involved but didn't participate themselves). It was a mix of adults and kids (kids were needed to play the kid roles). I was a little jealous of how smoothly she was moving in adult circles ( a great motivator) and how she got to do this without her parents, but not jealous enough to join up because I really didn't like theater.

Thanks, Janissy. That's helpful.

We actually only took her along because that was the only way we'd get to dance. Actually being interested in it was her idea, not ours; I was kind of purposefully not pushing it on her because women have a hard time finding partners in ballroom, as there are more women interested than men. I think she took an interest because it was something mommy and daddy did. She's so cute playing at dancing now that I'm not discouraging her any more.

Of course, she's only two, so her interests may change - especially when she finds out she's supposed to follow, instead of taking charge and leading as she does now.

Thank you all for your replies. I feel much better just hearing that this sort of behavior is normal, and doesn't indicate a deeper problem. The phase you all are indicating didn't hit me until I was about 15, and even then not quite the same. Big difference between 11, and 15. Now that I have found a place to relate to from my own past I can be better prepared to deal with what's happening.

I will move her computer to the living room, as well as put some parental controls on it. I'll let her have her youtube channel back, too. She wasn't taking videos of herself. She puts together slide shows, collages, and other types of graphics of Michael Jackson, since that's who she obsessed with at the moment. She is actually quite good at it, and therefore the reason that I don't want to take that away from her. I don't think there's much for her to do in the community with her skills, but there is a club that she can join at school, and I think I've gotten her talked into doing that next year.

Guess I'd better be getting buckled in for the ride, because from what I understand, it's just begun!

LOL, I guess your going through it at 15 is one of those developmental delay thingy's. You got there, just a little later than usual. I wish there was some way to get around puberty but still grow up. Sigh. My 13yo Aspie is there, no fun!