When to correct another person's child in your home?

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Hi everyone,

My sons have been doing really well lately socially. There is a group of boys in their grade (4) who are all really interested in Lego & Star Wars, and since these are both of my sons' main interests they suddenly are being not only accepted, but appreciated within their peer group. Yay! We are trying to do everything we can to nurture these friendships...an elaborate Star Wars b-day party, lots of playdates etc. And my sons are wholeheartedly enjoying being with their peers for the first time ever, with that common bond of liking the same toys, games, books etc. and my sons being accepted as the resident Lego Experts!

But there is one boy in this group who just doesn't fit. The other boys, while NT, are quiet, polite, nerdy types, while this kid is more of the rough & tough, sporty sort. Last year one of my sons complained of this boy bullying a mutual friend, and he was a little pushy and obnoxious towards the other boys at the b-day party (nothing serious, just enough to send up some red flags). He likes music and sports, and has never seen a Star Wars movie, so the common interests also aren't really there, so I don't quite get why this boy is part of the little group. Nevertheless he is actively seeking one of my sons in particular as a friend. He calls frequently, invited our sons to his b-day party etc. (they were too stressed out to go that day, it was on the same weekend as their b-day and they had had enough).

Anyway he was over for a playdate on Friday along with another boy, and I overheard him using the words "gay" and "ret*d" a couple times. This just doesn't fly in our house. We don't use homophobic or discriminatory slurs, but I wasn't sure if I should intervene or not. So I said nothing. I didn't want to embarrass my sons or create problems for them with this kid at school, but I am uncomfortable with this language being used in my home. I did speak to my sons about it afterwards.

So I guess my question is what to do if this kid is in my home again? How do I nip this in the bud without embarrassing my sons? Or would speaking to him be making too big a deal of it, unfortunately these words are in fairly common usage? Still I know they are not considered acceptable at school, and it goes against the grain of our family's values to have such derogatory language in our home.

I would say, in a matter of fact tone, that we do not use those terms in our home as they are hurtful to people. If the child continues, remind them that the terms are not acceptable and if they continue to use them they will have to go home. Then, if there's a third time, send them home. No drama, just matter of fact tone and delivery. Follow-through is essential.

I would not prohibit them from returning, but I would make it clear that an apology for breaking the house rules was expected as soon as they set foot in the door.

I agree with what Nan said. In addition, consider this: If/when this happens again, consider it to be a "teachable moment" for the whole group of kids. Talk to them as a group, explain that in our home we have ABC expectations for children's behavior for XYZ reasons, with IJK consequences. Giving the XYZ reasons is super-important. Talking to the kids in a group (1) doesn't single anyone out, so it avoids embarrasment; (2) establishes you more firmly as the authority/teacher figure in your own home; and (3) provides a real opportunity to have an impact on the kids' behavior. And if that doesn't work, send them home like Nan suggested

This.

I will admit, though, that if it were me, I simply wouldn't invite that kid over again. He may have just imposed himself on the group, and they may just be too polite to get rid of him.

Thank you for the advice. And while I absolutely cringe at the idea of doing it, I know I need to say something if it happens again.

But yeah, I am certainly not going to be encouraging my sons to invite this particular boy back anytime soon. I do wonder if it is a case of him imposing himself on the group, like psychoist suggests. My sons would not pick up on this, and are just happy to have a friend.

That "bully boy" is pissed because he must follow and not lead ....thus those insulting words.
He wants to boss your son not befriend him. The initiation of this is by being kind to gain trust. He simply doesn't fit so he can't stand it and wants to bust up the group. It's no crime. Your kids didn't fit at one time too. Now, this kid doesn't fit. It's out of your hands. Cut the ties with the boy and his family, and no, he may not come over to your house as someone else's guest. My advice is harsh but if you want to find out the hard way....so be it.
Don't tell the parents...because that's where the kid gets the attitude to say those words.
Believe me...I've learned the hard way.

Just to clarify, the boy was not using those words towards my sons or the other kid, or I would have stepped in immediately. He was describing a video as "ret*d", and a game as "gay", and I overheard and did not like hearing those words used in my home in reference to anything. If he was being abusive towards anyone I would not have hesitated to intervene very quickly and firmly.

Still I agree that I see the seeds of bully-type behaviour in this boy, and will not be encouraging this friendship (but also will not try to cut it off completely, I feel that at the age of 10 my sons are beyond where I can or should choose their friends for them).

im not a parent but... i would have probally have taken the boy asside and said "we dont use that type of language in our home i cant tell you what to outside my home but in my home could you please refrain from using those words in that manner."

though im no sure if that would have been the best thing to do because you have to take in the fact what ur kids feelings about this are aswell and you dont want him to get embarressed


those this is

Last edited by Ravenclawgurl on 02 Mar 2010, 2:59 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I have no problem telling other people's kids how things are done in my home. I'm always very light about it, but I do tell them, and generally say, "here, we ...." Kids are totally cool with that. They know the rules at home v. school v. church v. anywhere can vary.

i agree with DW, some kids or people for that matter do not realize the words that they are using are offensive to some if they are acceptable in thier home.
a simple letting that boy know that you do not like those words being used in your house is fine, and i agree with asking him to leave on the 3rd strike. it is your house and your rules, and if the child doesn;t like it he doesn;t have to come over.
i know it is tricky talking to other people's kids i feel kind of weird about it too.

i agree with DW, some kids or people for that matter do not realize the words that they are using are offensive to some if they are acceptable in thier home.
a simple letting that boy know that you do not like those words being used in your house is fine, and i agree with asking him to leave on the 3rd strike. it is your house and your rules, and if the child doesn;t like it he doesn;t have to come over.
i know it is tricky talking to other people's kids i feel kind of weird about it too.

This is exactly how we handle situations like this at our place. Could not agree more...

I am glad I'm not the only one who feels awkward about it.

Tell the boy that you will not tolerate such language, under your roof.