Chores for Different Kids

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In our household we have 3 kids- a son (11, diagnosed ADHD and PTSD), a daughter (9, NT), and a son (almost 9, AS). I find it extremely important to have kids contribute to the household. We have created 3 lists of chores -- and each kid gets a different list each week.

Here is my problem: there always seems to be some reason the AS son can't do the chores-- too busy, too much to do, can't let him feel "left out." He has hockey games on weekends (the other 2 have other functions) and a lot of times, the other 2 get their chores done while he his at hockey. My bf doesn't feel its "fair" to let him miss out on time with the other kids by doing chores. The other 2 don't think its fair that they have to do chores, but he doesn't. I am frustrated.

How do any other families handle kids being responsible for chores around the house?

Michelle

It's probably a bad idea to switch the list of chores each week on an aspie child - I would find that very stressful even as an adult. Figuring out which chores make the most sense to assign to him - for example, which ones he will actually do - and having him do those same chores every week would be much better.

Very valid point. My thought was helping him learn how to do "everyday skills." Each list is very specified with directions on each task. Maybe I could switch the tasks less often instead? I don't want one kid to always have to dishes or one to always have to do laundry. IDK. None of this is easy

Once a week sounds good. Have him know what his new task will be. Like make a chart for each week and tell all your kids what their chores would be that week. It might make it easier for your boy. He would know what he is supposed to be doing that week.
If you already do that, good. If it's still too much for your boy, maybe make it every other week to switch or a month.

If the point is to make sure he gets some experience with all of the tasks at some point, I'd suggest switching them once a year. He'd get through everything over the course of three years, which is still long before he'd need them as an adult.

I wonder if your partner agrees with your idea that he should learn "everyday skills". Possibly as a man, he doesn't think boys need to learn those things? I think it's useful for men as well as women to have experience with them, but not all men agree, and that might be one of the reasons your partner doesn't seem to be on the same wavelength as you on their importance for his son.

No, he definitely is on board with that. He does a lot of dishes, laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc. I think our main issue is that he sees "playing" as more important that taking responsibility in the household for the kids. My feeling is that if he has hockey all weekend, that *is* playing. I believe all kids need to learn responsibility to the household. Of course they need time to play-- but we are not lacking in that area at all, LOL.

We have been very informal about it, and while there are obvious drawbacks to that (as in, we parents tend to do most of it) there are also benefits, particularly with the AS child. Over time he has decided he likes certain things "just so" and has taken on the responsibility for himself. He also offers to help with certain things frequently that he feels confident with, like cooking and de-bugging computer issues. He is at an age where he is often asked to be in charge of things while he was home alone with his younger sister, and that gets interesting because knowing he is responsible for keeping the peace, she ends up getting him to make her specialty snacks, load in movies, and so on. Lol, having our AS child be our first one, we adapted much of our family style to the way he works, and then in swoops our NT second child and takes full advantage of all the "opportunities" that style has created. I feel that we are absolutely doing right by the AS child, but that we've probably done our daughter (and ourselves, when it comes to her), a disservice but not asking more, more consistently, and earlier on.

I learned early on that my AS son wants and likes to help, but it is also very important to him to feel like he has control over it. When we insist he do something, the response tends to be negative. When we invite him to do something, the response tends to be positive. He also has his own ideas about what is important and what isn't, and asking him to do a chore that he feels is not important creates a fight. Long run he ends up learning some of things from experience: pants never make it the hamper? Eventually you have no clean pants to wear.

It remains this amazingly odd combination of skills and deficits, just like the rest of his life. If we're going camping as a family, he will pack us all up start to finish. When it comes to getting dirty socks into the laundry ... good luck (those he prefers to wear filthy for some odd reason). I've decided to accept that he just is who he is, and he is smart enough that he'll overcome the deficits when he has to. Meanwhile, he pulls his weight around the house by choosing what he wants to do, and he naturally does so. He isn't lazy or avoidance oriented; he just has a different way of looking at life.

Which means, in answer to your question ... I have no idea. The style the AS child may respond best to may be quite different from what the other kids respond best to, and having every child see it all as "fair" can be difficult. Perhaps making it clear that you are choosing systems for each child based on how they are, which is unique, and that while things are "different" they are also balanced, may work. I guess I would suggest talking to the AS child first, and seeing what would be a good way for him to be involved in the household, and then holding a family meeting so that everyone understands how the different roles will play out, and approves.

This child is very difficult for me to understand, lol. We had a "family meeting" to come up with the chores. Between the 3 kids, they came up with these lists. He didn't see reasoning behind doing any chores-- he shouldn't have to do them. On the other hand, he doesn't talk much at all. Not that he isn't capable, but he doesn't respond to much of anything. Most of his answers are "I don't know" or "I haven't done this before." We explain that he lives in the house and that everyone has a contribution to give. He says he understands that, but I have no idea if he does or not.

I realize that all 3 kids are different-- but all 3 are capable of all these chores and of following directions. Maybe this is harsh, but I don't want to make excuses for him. We don't expect perfection from the chores (vacuuming may not pick up every speck of dirt), but I do expect effort and follow through. This is a huge point of contention in the house.

I'm not surprised it is a point of contention. Like I said, our whole family style evolved from what worked with the first one, the AS one. We never could get him to follow a list or a schedule or anything else that seemed like he "ought" to be able to do. There can be so many little things that get in the way that we don't even see. Sensitivity to the feel of a dirty dish; sensitivity to the noise of vacuum; being easilly overwhelmed. The same sorts of things that could keep my son staring at and afraid of a page of homework when he was 9, even math which he loved, something he could have finished in 2 minutes if he had just gotten over the fear. I can't tell you why these hurdles are there, only that they are very real, and that having systems that recognize it will make everything go better.

Brainstorming, what if you have a voluntary brownie point system? ie, when they do things that are not being asked of them, they get brownie points. Those points can then be traded for taking a pass on a chore they would normally have been assigned. Points could be awarded for areas that aren't necessarilly family chores, but that are part of their "job" as children. And even doing things like playing a game with a bored sibling might earn points. Anything that makes family life more harmonious.

Perhaps that is an answer. My fear, however, is that if he isn't doing as much "unprompted" things, he will feel punished or more different. I have no idea. Or maybe I just need to keep the other 2 doing chores and find a completely different avenue to teach him the importance of responsibility.

Why can't this just be easy? LOL

What is of these parents discussing issues about their children with other parents without giving information as to what the child itself thinks?
Have you asked him if he feels left out for any reason?
Does he even want time with the other children?
Although it is common for people with Asperger's syndrome to crave connection with other humans, siblings can be a pain.
But then, I do not know anything about your child, except for his age, diagnosis and that he plays hockey.
But still, I would like to have his opinion considered in this predicament.

Have you taken the time to actually explain why the chores are important? I don't mean giving him platitudes like 'everybody has to pull their own weight' or 'its for the good of the family'. Those don't explain why the chores need to be done at all. What I am saying is telling him things like, "The kitchen counter needs to be wiped down for sanitary reasons. Bacteria and other harmful things tend to build up on the surface over time and can lead to colonies of harmful bacteria. We don't want harmful bacteria near our food because that would make us sick, so we have to wipe down the counter with a disinfectant."

Also, I would ask how much time you are expecting of your child to do chores. I know that for myself I spend about 45 min to an hour cleaning my apartment each week. If you have a larger house, then the time would be longer, but with five people splitting the chores, it should still be less then 1 hour per week per person. If it is taking any longer then this, then I would suggest that you need to revisit what chores you want done.

You may also benefit by setting aside a certain period of time for chores to be done. For example, Saturday from 9-10 am or something before hockey practice. That way you know it doesn't interfere with his hockey time. And of course bribing your child is always an effective way to get them to do something. Would your husband go to work if the company didn't pay him? It may be worthwhile to give your son some money for doing chores, then allow him to buy toys with that money. Your going to buy him toys anyway, why use that as a way to entice him to help out the family?

LOL. I am talker beyond talkers-- but I do try to keep it more brief with him, as he isn't much of a talker at all. Most of his answers are "I don't know," or "sure." He does seem to enjoy being around the other kids and wants to (or says "yes" when we ask him if he wants to). My biggest problem is I *don't* know what he wants, because he doesn't ever tell us.

As for explaining, the whys to the chores- absolutely. Each child has about a half hour a week, more if they are in the mood to help out (which the other 2 are, often). The setting aside time for the chores is hard, because his schedule is different every single week-- so no set time will ever work. We have talked about a "reward system" but are still trying to figure out exactly how that would work.

Thanks for all the input and thoughts!