"Love Like the Movies"

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Over the past few months, E has developed a new obsession with the Avett Brothers. If I get on the computer for any reason, it's as if the little Pavlovian bell in his brain has rung, and he comes running for his Alt-Country fix. He crawls in my lap, points to the search bar, and relentlessly shouts, "Like the movies? C'mon Mom, push the button! Push the button!," until I do just that. He knows all the words to the song, and beams from ear to ear when it's played. It's pretty effing fantastic. It's something that we can share and enjoy together because I also dig the Avett Brothers...much more-so than long, meandering diatribes about trains and tunnels, because selfishly, I find that they provide less in the way of personal amusement.

The lyrics to this particular favorite song of ours, formally titled "Love Like the Movies," are especially poignant in our case, as well. Allow me to burst out into the chorus (if it helps with authenticity, I'm a tone-deaf Southern girl with a slight lisp): "So you want to be in love like the movies? But, in the movies, they're not in love at all. With a twinkle in their eye, (ooh wah ooh) they're just sayin' their lines. So we can't be in love like the movies."

One of the scariest things about learning your child has autism is the fear that they won't be able to experience or effectively express "real love." Go ahead, and insert your definition of "real love," because mine changes depending on a multitude of factors, including, but not limited to, the strength of my morning cup of coffee. As a parent, you worry about alot of things, but the mere idea that your amazing/wonderful/kick-ass offspring might be incapable of wielding this basic, driving force of our species, is pretty terrifying.

In an effort of full disclosure and stereotype-busting, I have a very affectionate son. He hugs, he cuddles, and he smiles when he deems it appropriate, and I'm thankful every time he does. But at 4.5 years old, E doesn't look me in the eye, he doesn't spontaneously say "I love you, Mommy," or any other common phrase of adoration. He has no overt interest in asking questions like "why?" or listening to your side of the conversation. He doesn't smile at strangers or people outside of his "circle," and this circle is pretty small. He doesn't explicitly tell you his likes and dislikes, and he doesn't have friends in the traditional sense. But, he knows and shows love on a regular basis.

My brother once said, "It's always great to see any of our kids laugh and smile, but when E smiles at you, you know he means it." And it's true, for all this worry and distress about his struggles (present and future), there are these unbelievable gifts dropped into my lap everyday because of his autism. Sometimes you have to strain your eyes a little to see the beauty, but it is totally worth it.

Now, let's be honest for a minute, it's still hard and heartbreaking that he can't yet tell me alot of things that I would really like to know. Like why he hates Cheerios so passionately, or that he would like to see his Grandma, or whether or not he drank the anti-dandruff shampoo in the bathroom (that one's pretty high on the list). And, in truth, I would be thrilled beyond belief to hear E articulate how and why he loves me, but not because I want to know how great I am. (I'm awesome, that's already been established.) I want him to be able to communicate effectively so he can get everything out of life that he deserves. I don't want him to parrot phrases simply for social acceptance, because that will not provide him with lasting, meaningful relationships, but I want him to have people in his life who "get" him, love him, teach him, and learn from him. There will be mishaps, scarcely do his eyes "twinkle," and his words don't always come out right, but I know he is full of love, and when he shares it, it changes your life.

Honestly it sounds like you have nothing to worry about. There are plenty of spectrum people who have happy marriages and are successful in life. My husband is one. Your son sounds like my 10yo aspie in that he is often cuddly and cute, though he can't take perspective. As a parent, I decided to encourage the cuddly and cute well beyond his age, though I only allow it at home. I'm thinking that as his "real love" matures, at least he has a taking off point. His "real love" may not look like NT real love but won't be less real.

This was a helluva first post, Raven-Waves. Great stuff! We all have fears and concerns for our ASD kids, naturally, but it is also wonderful to just relax and enjoy them sometimes. E sounds like a fun kid. My two Aspergian kids are also made of awesome. We are constantly finding ways to celebrate who they are, amidst the day to day struggles and grind, and I think that is so important!

LOL - not sure if we're at an age where things are socially unacceptable, but my husband, myself, and my son are all about (appropriate) public displays of affection. When DS (who is 11; this may change when he's 13) needs a hug or a cuddle, he gets one, even if we're on a playground full of kids. Not to dis the above poster's boundaries, but we've been lucky not to need them yet (and obviously, I also have a cuddler and am incredibly grateful.)

Our kids were born at the right time. It's very hard now, but by the time they are adults, I foresee a time where people are not only aware of autism, but will also value what autism brings to our culture (and by "our culture" I mean each human culture.)