Comforting people when you can't relate

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Hello everyone, I'm not a parent but I felt this was the best place to put it since you'll probably have had this situation a lot.

Five days ago a friend of mine had a fall-out and I was trying to comfort her, but I didn't know how. I couldn't relate - it wasn't something I'd ever experienced, although I shared her frustration when she explained what had happened. In this case I couldn't give her a hug as we live on opposite sides of the world (I've recently moved, but we've known each other for some time). Basically, what should I do next time? I feel sad if my friends are hurting and I can't do anything to help them feel better, but I can't just pretend I know what they are going through when I don't. That's just dishonest. In addition I don't believe it's right to walk away when someone needs you. That's not the love I would expect to see between friends. I'll always be there for my friends, but what do I do when I don't know how to comfort them?

I have just taken to asking if there is anything I can do to help them. This communicates my intent and allows them to ask for something they think will be helpful. Many times they will just acknowledge your offer and not ask for anything. The point is to make sure they know that you want to help them.

I've got the same problem. I just go with trying to be a presence when their having problems.

This phrase works in many situations: "I am so sorry you have to go through this. I wish I knew how to take your pain away, but I don't. If you just want to talk, or need me to be there for you, I will be."

Most people, especially women, just want someone to listen and feel as if you heard them. Something like, "that sounds terrible" or DW's suggestion would be good. Also, "I hear you." You might even bring up that you haven't been through that personally but it sounds like it's difficult.

Good luck,