How to help our son process and express painful memories?

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We adopted our 9 year old son after a year and a half of having him as foster parents. He's a second generation foster child, was fostered in 11 different homes from birth until he was six, when he was placed in a group home for children with different diagnoses and needs. He was institutionalized there for a year and then we became his foster parents through a series of fortunate events.

Our son struggles with his autobiographical memory and sometimes the emotions from the scambled, confusing past rush in and bring about a type of pain and sadness he cannot really vocalize or even name. On top of all the things that are confusing and overwhelming to him, he has PTSD and all that comes with it.

We're all being patient with the therapy and the recommendations we get from his neurologist. I know this is going to take time and a lot of dedication. I just want to find other ways to help him. Its hard to feel safe and at ease when all your life you've been uprooted and mistreated by people you were told to trust. Its even harder to express those memories and difficulties if you are a child and if ASD challenges communication on every step.

My husband, also a foster care alumn, says that we can only stay constant, patient and show him our most loving side so he believes that this is "for real" and forever. I get that, but if there's anything else we can do... or some way to do better, I want to know it.

I'm out of my element here, this all is more of a brainstorm than an answer. I've heard your husband's point before: often, what a child needs most is the opportunity to experience "normal," as in "normal" family life. Regardless of how a child came into a family, the "normal" instinct is to help the child, so I completely understand wanting to do more. The advice I was given when I started on the journey to help my son overcome his difficulties was to read, read and read. And then to take my cues from my child, to take the opportunity to build our relationship and let him show me who he is, in whatever way it was natural for him to do that. I believe it will be important to remember that children act out most where they feel safest, so find a way to give him the space he needs to show all the real sides to him, including the ones you won't want to see. Your job is to teach him what to do with all those negative emotions and how to deal with them in safe an appropriate ways, but step one will be making sure he feels he can have them and display them.

You want to be careful not to focus too much on what happened in the past. This can lead to exacerbating old problems and even causing new ones. "Processing" is not always helpful.

What happened in the past can be dealt with indirectly through how it affects the present. For example, if there is some bad behavior, you could say, "Are you acting this way because of fear? It doesn't matter what happened before, because you are safe now".

Just as it is of little benefit to revisit the events of a car accident, the physical therapy of the present becomes more helpful. If your son carries with him a legacy of developmental delays or even malignancies, they can be identified and managed with the object of reducing their effect. A child, for whatever reason, may strike out, it may be a result of anxiety, fear, or even a preemptive attack. The solution would be to help the child learn more constructive ways to control his environment.

In a way, behavior can be seen as a tool set that has been acquired along the way. Often when shown better tools, the child may come to discard what are essentially poor tools.

A key aspect for those who have become derailed from a "normal life" (combat veterans, emergency room nurses, cops, abuse victims, etc.) is that they often find it difficult to go through life on "automatic pilot". In a way, there can be some similarities to Aspergers in that a life of conscious intentional control can be vary different from one that flows seamlessly from one event to the next.

Showing your son how to control his life and manage whatever he has picked up along the way so far, may be the best approach.

Thank you Timf and DW_a_mom.

I do value the reality that children act out the most when they feel safe. I don't love the loud freak outs and neither does our son, but I do consider them a reminder of a huge victory. When we first met, he was very much inside his mind and body. He did not engage with the outside world at all. There were no expressions or small clues of joy, sadness, fear, stress, curiosity... it was literally nothing. When he slowly started to allow himself to rage, cry, throw a tantrum... it was something for sure, but it was also a huge relief, and we've taken it as a sign that he knows we're not going to react with violence or by withholding care or attention. The new expressions of joy and humor are so much more pleasant, but we'll take the rage before going back to the vacant expression and endless silence.

It might be a good thing, from a certain angle, that we don't actually know the specifics of the abuse he endured. Its information that even as parents, child protective services will not disclose. We're going on what was mentioned in passing and the situations that were openly brought up to us. Very few specifics, just implications and vague warnings. That's all in the past. He's here now and we're taking over from the present onwards. We don't bring up the past, because we don't know it and maybe he doesn't know it with words, just with emotion.

The only thing he has ever shared about the past came up when he recognized a neighborhood we drove by and asked if we were going to visit C. C is his biological mother's name. My husband told him that we don't know where C lives (which is true), but that when he's older we'll help him find her if he wants to. He thought about it for a minute and proceeded to cry for almost three hours. We didn't ask if that meant he didn't want to find her, or that he really wanted to, or something in between. We just took a pause to be with him.

With that... I'm not sure of when or how we'll get another painful revelation we don't even understand. Sould we have left it at "we don't know where C lives"? Should we just have said "no, we're not going to visit C"? Who knows? His therapist said that it was a good thing that he shed those tears. His mom is on his mind, he's grieving, it's a lot...

I say this because my need to help some of that trauma is not coming from us bringing it up to him. It's just "there".

His PTSD symptoms, I believe, are very different from the frustration and communication issues that come with ASD. The nightmares, the intrusive thoughts, the rapid breathing, the constat fight or flight mode, but on steroids because autism adds that extra complication. It's a lot. We're still waiting, letting him take his time. Who knows what things will be like in a few months, years? Right?

I was an AS child who had experienced extreme trauma, both physical and emotional(premature and sudden loss of mother ... and alot more) from the age of 5 onwards for 5 years at its worst, but also additionally.

Having worked with children who have experienced similar, it helped me to process and deal with the trauma and emotions associated with all that, only when I was ready. No-one could have eased that pain earlier, only have made the situation worse.

Meanwhile, the best course of action was to allow outlets, eg ways to disassociate as far as possible from that pain via Exercise, dance, music, “doing” that which allows release of as much pent up emotion as possible. Writing also was a release for me, even as a young child, both through pen and paper and typewriter. I became a poet/songwriter, it was a massive outlet that genuinely helped. At worst, rages aimed at “own possessions and room” would be par for the course. There tends to be solace in books.

Children who have been harmed or who experience loss/trauma of any kind that goes deep, may unleash out of necessity. They may not harm people, but they may need to release the pain and anguish by other means. Allow them that release, otherwise they will take far longer to recover. Examples of release that are more “acceptable” ... a doll’s house is very therapeutic and I wouldn’t provide care to any child without this, as well as art therapy and music and movement. Exercise(gymnastics, swimming, running etc) can be very beneficial. All can be home-based.

Additionally, activities with younger children such as scrunching up newspaper/any paper and filling a stocking ... allows an outlet for aggression and pain. Playdough ... kneading and pressing it out can also be an outlet. Children need to run free in a park and enjoy letting out excess energy and emotions too ... throwing themselves into gym apparatus, horses, climbing frames, balance beams etc.

Children can learn to master their trauma as time goes on, often without even realising their own ability to “let it out” as it tends to naturally release and temporarily diffuse itself. It can take decades of processing, genuinely facing trauma head on to properly deal with it. Books can certainly assist, reading of others who’ve experienced similar. I don’t believe in all honesty that anyone who’s experienced prolonged trauma ever truly recovers from it. It’s a lifelong process. It can be eased by helping others who’ve experienced the same, but the trauma never truly leaves you. You must learn to live with it and not allow it power over you.

Certainly, never take children’s outpourings of aggression either verbally or physically, personally. Educate yourself as much as possible on trauma if you want to help those closest to you in a meaningful way.

I don't know for sure if my approach would be the best, but I've always felt tricky areas should be approached completely open ended, allowing the child to choose the direction to go with it (or no direction at all). It can be difficult to think of those responses in the moment. Very. I'm thinking an open ended response might have been "that isn't the plan today, but what would you want?" But still not perfectly worded ... the goal mostly being that nothing is said that would tell the child you expect them to feel any particular way about it, or assume any particular outcome, and not even to show any assumption on their willingness or unwillingness to talk about it, but making it clear you would if they wanted. Does that make sense?

As for meltdowns, lots of previous threads here on those, and you can decide when he might be ready for some of the techniques. He doesn't want to have them any more than you want him to have them but, as you said, in this moment that he is allowing himself to experience his natural emotions is a positive step. Long term, he will want to learn to do that in a way that doesn't cause him so much pain, but still deals with the stress behind it.

i suggest consulting with an EMDR practitioner.

I fostered and raised a child with trauma, learning disabilities, and countless behavioural challenges. He's now an adult but I can empathise with the feelings that you have. Most of what I would suggest has already been mentioned.

My first thought was art therapy, or a creative outlet.

Thank you all for sharing your personal experiences and/or your kind advice.

Our son is very musically inclined. He and his dad have bonded over guitar lessons and listening to music together. After reading your tips and experiences, I've pulled up the names and the certifications of local music therapists. It's a "for later" thing. I would want to know more about what this would bring to the table and introduce the idea to our son, hear his thoughts on maybe having music sessions with someone other than dad. He's very shy and has to take his sweet time to allow people around him, so I hope to find a good match for him.

One more time, thank you all.