bathing---or lack of bathing?

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Let me think how to say this nicely. My daughter forgets to shower/bathe. She often forgets and will go for days...I think she would go without for weeks if I didn't remind her. It doesn't bother her not to bathe. There used to be a problem with brushing teeth as well, but she seems to have gotten this down so now I am trying to help her work on remembering (on her own) to shower. I've read that personal hygene habits can be a problem for people with AS, and i'm wondering if anyone could help explain why. Her reason is the she just forgets....but I can't understand how someone could forget day after day. It was the same with teeth brushing to, and until last year or so, if I asked her if she remembered to brush her teeth, she'd say, "You didn't remind me." But she's twelve...

Does anyone have advice? She's kind of going into a time in her life where this becomes more important...but to be honest she's always been like this. In grade school she'd come home with lunch stains everywhere and blackened hands from not washing them all day. But I think we really need to see some improvement here and i'd like to know of a way that doesn't include me being the shower warden.

Basically I take a shower per month and that's because I force myself to, no natural drive at all, slight repulsion actually, even tough when I'm in it feels good. Feels like a waste of time, showering/bathing is definitely overrated, I don't stink or whatever, just wash a bit when needed and that's all.

This isn't an option in our house, or something we assume our 12 year old should remember: we still take full charge of overseeing his grooming. Reality is that when it comes to bathing he truly does not care (being dirty doesn't bother him, and he doesn't care if it bothers someone else, and he'd rather not spend the time) and when it comes to teeth brushing he has a sensory issue that hampers his willingness. He is old enough that we will no longer stay in the bathroom with him, but we do run the water and tell him to get into it. We also have a sign posted as a reminder to wash, since once he has sunk into the warm water he seems to forget why he is there (he does enjoy being in the bath, it's just the act of washing he has no interest in). Someday we hope it simply becomes habit to him but, for now, we have to make it happen and have accepted that.

I think that much of our children's childhood and early adulthood includes a disconnect between what we assume they should be doing independently, and what they can do independently. Don't look at normal for other kids - look at normal for AS kids, and for AS kids, needing assistance with personal grooming at age 12 is quite common (can anyone give me some idea when this will finally change???! !! !).

I do believe that many of these basic skills will eventually be acquired, just not on the time frame we think they should be. Most adult posters on this site know that grooming is important, and somewhere along the way integrated out how to do it properly. Just don't expect any of it to follow a well paved road.

I had a time like that, when my mom expected me to develop hygiene habits like a normal teenager and I still was in my children's world. But I'm sensitive to strong smells, and we had a girl in class who literally never brushed her teeth. At some point, I realized that I must also have bad smell when I didn't brush my teeth, and learnt to 'smell myself'. I only later learnt that most people are oblivious to their own body odour, haha. I also can't stand the sensation of any foreign substance on my skin (dirt, paint, soil etc), but I usually decide whether I have to shower or not based on how I smell.

My daughter was like that too...

Structure works great - making a list for her, things she has to do. I made a chart for my kids (both of them) and listed their daily 'chores' on it. Bathing and brushig their teeth was on it as well as making their beds and putting their dirty clothes in the laundry basket.

We still do 'breath checks' for the younger one, but I think the chart worked out well because we no longer have to remind her to shower. Now she asks me everyday if she can take a shower. I think she just found a new twist for making me nuts. She is beginning to take an interest in what she wears now too - I take her shopping and help her pick out outfits that she wants to wear (we just got out of the 'Asian' phase and are entering into the 'dresses and skirts' phase. ) - letting her do this allows her to 'express' herself and I think it makes her take a bit more pride in her appearance. Sort of like letting them help make dinner will guarantee they'll eat what they made.

Just make a chart - not tooo much stuff on it but the stuff that's most important and make sure she checks it. It's a lot easier too - than repeatng something over and over and over. I can tell my daughter something and she 'forgets' in like 20 seconds - write it down and she remembers. She makes lists now too. If she starts doing stuff without the list - take those things off and add a new thing or two.

The sense of smell acclimates quickly, so one can't easily tell whether one's own self stinks. You'd specifically have to sniff your armpits or some part of you that you wouldn't normally smell.


I didn't start washing my hair regularly until I was in my 30s. I think that was because I didn't use conditioner so my hair always felt dry and kind of unpleasant after washing. Then I got a female barber and she said, "wash and condition your hair every day - and use separate shampoo and conditioner, none of that all in one stuff." I thought, "gee, they make all in one stuff?", and I've been using it daily ever since.

I think I started showering regularly in my teens, probably around when I was switched from baths to showers. I certainly never drew my own bath. Your child may be different, of course.

Thanks a lot for the wise advice

We also have showering as part of our schedule, which is posted on the fridge (tooth brushing and hair brushing as well). My sons (10 yrs. old) would not remember on their own. They actually still need help with turning the water off & on to the correct temperature and washing their hair. They can do the rest on their own, but do have to be prompted to wash their faces, which they dislike doing.

Thanks all for the input. I am going to try a sticky note on the bathroom mirror every other day. A posted reminder I think will be less abrasive than a verbal one.

She just doesn't really care about it. And since she doesn't care about it, she doesn't have it high on her list of things to do, so she simply forgets. Lets put it this way, when is the last time you checked your car's tire pressure? You are supposed to check the pressure at least once every month. Are you keeping up on that? Odds are you don't check your car's tire pressure monthly because you don't have it high on your list of priorities, so you simply forget.

I am with other people, just make it part of the morning ritual. Wake up, yawn, stretch, use toilet, shower, brush teeth, get dressed, breakfast, etc. Once it becomes part of the routine it is easy to remember it.

My stepson is near 13 and still doesn’t like to bathe.. I think the reason he doesn’t remember is that it’s simply not a priority for him. He still doesn’t care about being dirty either- food on the face, covered in paint from art class, etc.

I remember when I was that age.. I became interested in grooming because I became interested in the opposite sex.. I think those things often go hand in hand. My stepson has pretty much 0 interest in the opposite sex at this point (typical of the delayed emotional maturity in Aspie kids), so I guess it kind of makes sense that bathing’s not a priority for him yet.

On the other hand.. he is physically almost 13.. so he NEEDS the frequent bathing.. or he smells bad. He already gets bullied enough at school.. he doesn’t need the added distinction of being the ‘stinky kid’. So we remind and make sure it gets done.. even though he doesn’t like it and he gripes- by the way, he sure manages to b***h and whine like an almost 13-year-old!

Billy, my girlfriend's 10 year old aspie, also HATES to bathe. He pitches a fit each and every time, but once he's in the tub, he loves it.

I have a rule, though, at my place. He *must* get a bath once every two days. One time he locked himself in his room and refused. The next day, he lost all privileges. Computer, TV, video games, books, and legos, until he got his bath. Being OCD, a boy who stinks in my house is simply not an option.

When he and his mom move in in 3 months, we have agreed to make his bath night be every night. He's getting to that age.

So is mine. Getting to that age. But I also think it might make it easier - more part of the daily routine. Let us know; we dread trying to change anything here.

Wow, it really is a universal problem with them. My son just doesn't think it is necessary and that is just a waste of time. Finally got him to agree to once a week, so Monday mornings is it (that way his school week starts out with clean hair in my book). Also, got him to do deodorant everyday since he got to "that age" that underarms started to smell. Since he isn't into sports, I don't have the added sweat to deal with yet. I am now trying to build him up to twice a week for showering.

I do have to say, start in with the routines when they are young, if you can so it is built in. For some reason, we just couldn't find the bath routine that worked until he finally graduated to a shower and by then he was older. Night time baths were horrible, he hated them until he was in it, then I couldn't get him out. Then it was like he got wound up like a toy and full of energy. Just horrible if you are trying to get one to quiet down for bedtime! I worked full time so a morning bath didn't work because he wouldn't get out when it was time to. Showers have been the saving grace for that.

Bathing can be difficult for an aspie.

When I was young I used to only take baths but later on I moved to showers which is an Aspie way I believe. They can be short, quick, you control the water temperature and force and it doesn't involve the wait-time of a bath.

Cleaning...that can be a bit difficult. Utilising a type of shower gel can work well, especially if you can find one they like.

Hair-washing...that can be difficult given our sensitivity. Depending on your child, I'd say once every three days until they get used to it. Probably a good idea to start with a soft, non-smelling one.

my children find washing a pain and I have to be very forceful to get them to wash. I try to make it pleasent by including their special interests and have a visual shedule of what oder you wash in and wash them on the same days and times so its in a regular routine.

I dont hold out much hope for improvement though as my 27 year old boyfriend still does not like washing and has to be nagged to, and then he still does not do it properly.