Transitions due to divorce

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My son is 4 and just diagnosed with mild Asperger's. We have been having a lot of problems with him at his preschool on and off all year (actually posted about it and got lots of great advice!). His father and I have been divorced almost a year now. He used to spend 3 1/2 days a week with both of us, but we decided it was too much for him so we switched it to where my ex gets him 3 days every other week. His teacher and I began to notice that he would act up (a lot) on days he was with his dad. After he had come back to my house, he was fine with only minor issues that any preschooler would have. After a lengthy discussion, my ex and I decided to try having no overnights at his dad's house until after school was out and having him spend every Sunday with him instead. So far, my son's behavior has improved drastically! During the summer, we will go back to the every other week thing. However, he is starting kindergarten next year, and I am unsure what will happen then. My ex would like him to be able to stay at his house on a more regular basis (although he usually doesn't want to go with him), but I don't want my son to keep having problems in school because of it. His teacher can always tell who he is staying with based on his behavior. I know the issue is probably the transitions (although even giving him advanced notice doesn't really help), but it is complicated by the fact that my ex has another son in the home with ADHD and Oppositional Defiant Disorder. My ex says he is fine now, but when we were married, his older son would get violent, throwing things and hitting and kicking me and my son. He is very manipulative and doesn't seem to feel remorse for anything. His mother is ADHD/Bi-polar. If the issue is strictly the transition (as my ex feels), does anyone have any tips on helping his behavior during the transition? I don't think my ex would be that receptive to the idea of no overnights on school nights again next year.

Hopefully your ex has eyes, and will be receptive to whatever it becomes apparent your son needs.

Meanwhile, understand that your child will change and grow and that what is an issue today may not be one tomorrow, and vice-a-versa. You don't have to rule out a change for next year or decide today. I think you should both agree to see where your son is at emotionally and with transitions.

As for helping with the transitions, keeping routines as similar as possible between households is a must, and transferring favored objects with the child is, as well. You may both, at some point, have to accept an arrangement that is a little different than normal - some possibilities being full weekends with dad, etc, to meet the child's needs for routine while giving him maximum exposure to both parents.

But, really, I don't have much to offer you. I am sorry to hear you are in this difficult situation.

I've been going through this for the past 3 years. My son was not diagnosed until he started school - his father scuttled the diagnosis prior to starting school because he couldn't and still won't accept it. I had to drop the midweek visits to his fathers as it was too unsettling for my son. His behaviour really improved once he was in one home with one set of rules and routines. It really complicates things for me because his father refuses to attend therapy sessions and flatly refuses to accept the diagnosis. One of his older sons has similar behaviours as does Dad, so too confronting for him. Even when my son goes to his Dad''s every 2nd weekend I get problem behaviours when he comes back. Dad is pushing for shared access as he doesn't want to pay child support. Just recently put my son on Clonidine (Catapres) - something I really resisted but now I wish I had done it a year ago - he's like a different child. He can concentrate in class and the violent behaviour has ceased. With my son, I think he experiences a lot of anxiety due to having to deal with two different routines.

this is a tricky subject...does your son say why he doesn't want to go to dad's?

i think it is hard for any child to have 2 different households adn 2 different routines. i noticed that my son sould usually be "off" after he was with his dad too but at the same time i know it is important for him to spend time with his dad as well.

is it specific days of the week that your son would spend there or was it just every 3 days it got shifted? what may work is knowing he gets to go to dad's every tue and thurs or something like that so it is a consistent routine.

also not sure what communication with you and your ex is like but perhaps you can sit down and figure out a consistent set of rules for your son at both households, if a meeting like that isn;t possible perhaps over e-mail?
from what it sounds like you and your ex is at least willing to work with you on this which is nice.

as for kindergarten you may just want to cross that bridge when you get there perhaps the time over the summer will be ok and it will be able to remain that way, if not maybe you will have to return to the arrangement you currently have.

i wish you all the best in this, and just remember it is a constant process.