Everyone keeps telling me

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Im sorry I dont use the right words to make myself understood and Im sorry that I shared intimate parts of my life with strangers.

We have got to work on keeping these children engaged with the world.
Quotation of Temple Grandin

Hi liloleme

I am sorry to hear about your problems. I can identify. You can use WrongPlanet as a diary, the blog feature is really good for that. Also, the Haven section is a nice place to go to both vent and recieve support.

Being a parent is very difficult. Being a person who did not come from a stable home, with good parenting role models is even more difficult. Being a person with AS is even more difficult. Being a parent of children who have issues beyond the "norm" is even more difficult. Life seems to just throw issues at you and then compound those issues with other issues.

It is important to NOT compare yourself to an idealized person. Try to eliminate the words "should" and "could" from your vocabulary. You ARE doing the best that you can do. Given the circumstances of your life you DID the BEST. Even if you did not do the best, you certainly did not do the worst. You did not give up on your kids. You did not go crazy and drown them in a bathtub or drown them in an SUV in a lake. You love your kids and you are trying.

You do not know how things will progress with your daugther until they do progress. Set her up as best as you are able. Go to France. Keep in touch with her and BE THERE FOR HER if she does need you. You can not put your own life on hold for her needs. Think about those airplane instructions to always put the oxygen mask on youreself before your child. Only by you dealing with your issues first will you have the strength and stability to be there for her.

Luck

Penguinmom I thought to post this in the Haven section but I thought the parents section was maybe better. Thank you for your post. I agree with everything you said and I will just keep telling myself all these things....over and over and over till they get through my thick head.

Also If you havent heard Im a overbearing, pushy parent. You can ask all these people who know me so well!

I think that you should tell her the perks of being able to do things, independentley, and than that would motivate her to want to do things for herself, and feel better about herself, in the long run.

You said that her boyfriend is an aspie, right? Does he understand and accept this? If so you might be able to convince him to have a sort of intervention for your daughter. The label of aspie really isn't that important, so I wouldn't worry if she accepts it or not. It isn't as though a label changes you. But your daughter at least needs to admit that she has some problems. I don't mean to be rude, but people don't get on social security unless they have problems. Unless she realizes and accepts that she has problems to work on she wont go about working on them.

Oh I do, Cockney Rebel, I tell her how good it feels to accomplish things on your own. I also constantly tell her how smart and beautiful she is....I know someday she will realize all this and help the way she views herself.
Unfortunately I dont seem to use the right words here to express myself so I will still read other posts and maybe respond but I will keep my private life to myself from now on.

thanks

Willard is right. You can't push. Even a little push can feel like a major shove to an Aspie.

YOU may think she is in some sort of 'denial' since she's just been diagnosed. What you don't understand is that she already knows she's different, she's probably known it for as long as she can remember. She needs time to 'wrap her brain around it' and figure out which step she is going to take next. Apparently you've already told her all of the steps, so she knows them.

One of the things people make the mistake of doing is acting like a person with Asperger Syndrome is somehow 'broken' and by getting some sort of therapy they are going to be 'fixed' and lead a normal life and be normal just like everyone else. That ain't gonna happen. Your daughter is always going to be different, and guess what? That's NOT a bad thing. She's a unique individual with her own way of thinking and doing things. If you focus on her 'strengths' instead of whats WRONG with her, you'll have a much easier time 'helping her'. If you keep pushing (no matter how gently) her to acknowledge what's WRONG with her - you will certainly push her away. She's not hearing that you love her (even if you say it 1000 times a day), she's not hearing that you believe in her (even if you say it 1000 times a day) and she not hearing that you think she's capable and that you think she can accomplish whatever it is she wants to do (even if you say it 1000 times a day) --- all she's hearing right now is that she has AS and that's what's WRONG with her.

Stop focusing on what's WRONG and start by focusing on what's RIGHT. It's natural for people to 'block you out' when they think they're being attacked - for an Aspie - that constant pushing becomes more like badgering and harping - and trust me, an Aspie is an expert at blocking you out when they don't feel like listening! LOL! A brick wall can be sooooo much more receptive than my daughter when she's done listening.

As a Mom - I totally understand where you're coming from - you're worried. Probably a little scared too. If anything - look back and have a better understanding of your daughter because you now know why she is the way she is. Then keep in mind all of the wonderful things about her that you love so much and don't forget to share that with her too, and those wonderful things are the ones she needs to hear right now.

I'd think if you were BORN with Asperger Syndrome - you'd have a better understanding for what your daughter is going through.

I have not been DX'd - don't plan to be DX'd, I see a lot of similarities between my own daughter and myself - which actually helps me relate to her much better. It has probably helped me to understand why she thinks and feels the way she does and reacts the way she does - because I do the same thing.

Save your sarcasm - set it aside, perhaps that sarcastic trait is part of what's getting between you and your daughter. You have learned to live with/around your AS, she's still learning AND getting used to the idea that she is an Aspie. I know your trip to Europe (or where ever) is really important to you and you want her to hurry up and accept she's an Aspie, get her therapy and support and be as normal and well adjusted as you are - but that's not going to happen just because YOU want it to. She is the one who has to understand it and make the choice about what she is going to do about - if anything at all. If you do have AS, you should be able to draw back on your own experiences and know what worked for you in a positive way and what didn't.

Maybe you should read all of a post before you respond to it. I understand my daughter very well....like I said I am sorry that I did not explain what happened properly. My daughter makes her own decisions, I do not force her to do anything. She even lives with her boyfriend because I knew how difficult it was for her to live here with all the noise of her little brother (AS) and her sister (Autism). I make suggestions and I explain to her how I felt when I was her age and how things get easier the more you do them. It was her idea to go to my psychiatrist because she is having very serious problems with her anxiety. I have never, ever said that there is anything WRONG with my kids or with me. We are different and we like being different....we just have a few problems just like everyone else. I dont think I gave anyone any reason to attack me. I was only trying to express how scared and worried I am....I now know that this is not the place to do this. From now on I will always look to my family for support...Im angry and upset with myself for sharing personal information.
Sorry for the sarcasm but I said many times that I do have Asperger's and like I said, I never said that there was anything wrong with my kids. As a matter of fact I am a very big card carrying member of "Take your cure and shove it up your a**"
Enough said...Im stressed out enough about my big move and I need to focus on that and not let things like this upset me like it has.

I'm sorry if you think I was attacking you. I read the original post several times, I answered it according to my own thoughts about the situation you asked about. I also read the other replies and your responses to those. I was going to go back and read it AGAIN - but you deleted it.

One thing you have to keep in mind when you post on a forum - any forum - is that no one can fully understand every aspect of what you are dealing with - we only have the information you give and your response to what others have posted. No one here is a mind reader - we only have the information you supply. You also have to realize that when someone responds - you can't automatically assume that it is meant as an insult to you, just because of the way you read the 'tone' of the reply.

None of us are prefect parents - least of all me, I have made mistakes and I have learned from them. I have also learned that sometimes I get very 'stuck in my ways' and fail to see that I am reacting a certain way to a situation and it takes an outsider to point it out to me, at that point I can listen to what they say, look at my own reactions and either acknowledge that I might be wrong and use the information given to try something new. The advice given in this forum has been helpful, it can be a very useful tool if someone is open to accepting it. But with any advice given - it is NOT a demand that you take the advice - it is simply a different way of viewing a situation and implementing it to some degree or not. That's your choice. I was simply giving you MY own opinion based upon what you had posted and your responses to others.

Good Luck.

I am feeling like I failed in my job as a moderator if this thread has gotten to the point where it has gotten.

Lilolme, I understood what you meant by a "little" push, and we ALL talk about doing that here at times. There is nothing wrong with a small push, as long as a parent is willing to course correct when the push isn't working. If I recall the original post correctly, you didn't push any harder after the first. Yes, I did read it yesterday, and was concerned about the confrontation developing, but thought you seemed about to stand up for yourself and I had places to be so I left it.

She's just worried, guys. She's on a time table, and that creates a lot of pressure on everyone. OK, we all have lived long enough to know that we can't make our kids grow on a time table, but life keeps sticking those on us, and sometimes we are forced to try, anyway. What I read is that she knows when to stop pushing, for the most part. That is the important part, isn't it? She was sharing how difficult it is to find the right balance knowing that there is a drop off date looming. Well, it IS difficult, isn't it? Sure, sometimes we do need to give parents a wake up call, I know I've done it, but when an approach makes a parent want to delete their post, we can call the effort backfired, can't we? The goal is to keep everyone engaged until a solution can be reached that really seems to be for the best for everyone involved.

All that said, I wish I had a solution for you, lilolme, because I know you are in between a rock and a hard place with your pending move. I think you have to tell yourself that you've laid some very solid foundations, and remember that she won't be alone. It's OK if she stumbles a few times. No one can protect their child forever. I know it is so very very very hard to set your child off to fly knowing the wings are not fully grown, but sometimes that is what you've got to do.