Meltdown Memory Lapse

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Last week my son had a meltdown after school in the hallway. It is a long story, suffice it to say that a girl heard him saying some things about another special needs kid, which could be considered mean (he was trying to joke around), she told an EA who confronted my son in the hallway in front of the other kids and he lost it. He came running out to the car in tears, and when he was finally able to speak, confessed that he had called the girl who tattled an idiot and the EA had acted like he said a swear word. We talked as much as we could about things he could have done differently when he was calm, and I emailed the teacher a bit upset that my son couldn't have been corrected privately, which would have prevented the meltdown and created a teachable moment for him instead of just more stress, embarrassment and bad feelings between the kids.
Things being as busy as they are at school right now, I just heard back from the teacher. She said that the EA said my son had called the girl a "b*tch" under his breath, but clearly. I was shocked. My son has never used this type of language at home or otherwise. Calling "jerk", "idiot" or "liar" have come up several times, but never this type of ugly swearing.
When I asked my son, he was adamant that he did not use this word, but did say "idiot". My son is not prone to lying, quite the opposite, he usually needs to be exactly literally truthful. In the course of a long conversation in which we tried to get to the bottom of why the EA would think he said the b word, he finally suggested that maybe his mouth said the word even though it wasn't in his brain, but I could tell that he really, really does not remember saying it and is just trying to make sense of all this.
So it seems the options are:
a.) the EA is mistaken, but the teacher confirmed it with her twice that she heard the b word distinctly.
b.) my son is lying, but he is usually truthful to a fault, and if he was going to lie about saying "b*tch" why confess to saying "idiot"? And he was so beyond upset that day after school, there is just no way he would have the wherewithal to construct a complex lie (the part about the EA acting like he'd sworn when he hadn't), even if that was his habit.
c.) He genuinely can't remember what he said when he was melting down.

Does anyone have experience with this type of meltdown memory lapse? My son is now feeling distrustful of himself. "How will I know if I have said a bad word if I get angry?"

Him and I have a meeting at the school shortly. I feel like they are going to think I am one of those "little Johnny can do no wrong" parents, but my instinct is telling me that he is not lying. Either he didn't say it, or he truly didn't register it coming out of his mouth and doesn't remember it.

In major meltdown my daughter could say and do things she would NEVER do or say at any other time (but I can pretty much guarantee it wouldn't be under her breath ). She also has memory lapse after the major ones but not like what you are describing. She will be totally unable to remember the event AT ALL.

So, I don't know what to tell you. Did he seem so incoherent when you saw him at the tail end of the meltdown that he would be capable of remembering exactly what was done/said? My daughter, like I said, would never use that language, but she has been known to spout some pretty nasty, ugly, aggressive and mean stuff when she is in "fight or flight" mode. Either way, I'd probably let it drop and instruct the school not to engage him when he is in meltdown mode in order to prevent future issues.

Sometimes during meltdowns, I just black out and have no IDEA what happened! That is literally what I experience.

From everything you have described I am pretty certain that your son is not lying. So ...

He needs to understand that the TA felt she heard the word clearly, and he should apologize for saying something that "sounded like" the word. Much like you apologize for spilling milk, even though it was an accident, and you try to prevent future accidents. Maybe he can brainstorm everything he might have said that could have sounded like that word, so that he has an explanation for himself - it sounds like he needs one.

Tell him that even if he really said it and meant to say it, as long as it has only happened once you don't think it is something he should worry about. Yes, it was wrong, but one mistake does not mark anyone's character. One instance of forgetting does mean someone has lost their mind. If this becomes a pattern, then you'll both have to figure it out together.

It is possible that the EA mis-heard. She may have expected to hear a certain word, heard the intonation that would accompany said word, been in a situation where she felt said word was likely, and her subconscious mind filled in the gap.

She may be being very honest and truly believe that she heard a word which your son is equally honest in stating he did not say.

Getting into a "he said...he didn't...yes he did...oh not he didn't" situation will not help any matters.

Explain to your son that mistakes happen. Maybe he said it by mistake, didn't mean to and doesn't remember. Maybe she heard it by mistake, didn't mean to and doesn't realize. Either way, it was an accident.

You could have your son say something like "I am sorry this event occured." The event being the entire scenario. This way he can smooth things over without having to appologize for something he feels he didn't do.

Also, and it is a tough lesson. Your son is a child and the EA is (I think) an adult. Many schools in such situations are obligated to support the adult, unless the person is well known for making stuff up and they are looking to fire her. If you fight the school on this it will be wasted energy. It's nothing personal against either you or your son, it's just the schools way of protecting employees. Don't take it personally, just move on past the episode as quickly as possible. If the episode repeats itself, keep a detailed record with dates so you have evidence to back up any charge that a school employee is abusing authority.

Sorry for the spelling and grammar mistakes, I'm a little rushed right now.

Thank you for the responses. The meeting went well yesterday. I was really impressed with my sons teacher. When my son said that he did not remember saying the word but was sorry if he did, and I backed him up, she accepted it as that. It did not turn into a she said/he said as I'd feared, and seeing how scared and confused my son was, the teacher was very gentle with him. I had already told my son that he'd have to apologize for calling the girl an idiot, and so he did. I was very proud of him, and the girl was gracious in return. We ended the meeting with him feeling positive.

We have not had this type of incident before, so thank you for the reminder that one time is not a pattern and may not be anything to worry about, DW, but just an isolated incident.

When he gets angry, he does mutter under his breath. We talked about how this is a good example of how much trouble that could get him in, because it is hard to tell what he is saying and maybe the EA did just think she heard it and mentally fill in the blanks (although she is convinced she heard it distinctly).

@jamesongerbil It is interesting to know that memory lapses after meltdowns do occur. My son also does not remember a word of what the EA said to him. He couldn't relate any of what she said, even 10 minutes after the incident, he was way too upset to take any of it in, so it seems logical that he could also not remember parts of his own behaviour.

15 more school days this year...and we are counting down each minute...

Memories are formed based on the sensory input that is being registered, not exactly what is going on. People with sensory input dysfunctions or sensory processing disorders pretty much live in a different world. During a meltdown, senses are usually flared like crazy for me and that's why I think memory loss is common.

This makes a lot of sense to me as far as sensory input goes. I was not surprised that my son couldn't remember a thing the EA said. I experience this too, when I am very stressed or deeply engaged with one sense (like when I am reading) my ears literally shut off like someone flipped a switch, or voices can become too garbled to make sense of what is being said (like I am watching someone's mouth move, know they are talking to me, but haven't the foggiest of what they are saying). I have never experienced or witnessed in my sons this total lack of recall of something one has said or done themselves during a meltdown, but I guess it could make sense in the same way. It is very interesting to me how our senses affect our perceptions and memories, and how varied those perceptions and how we recall them can be even in the exact same situation!