Conversation with my son

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Background: Noah is my nine-year-old son. He's on the spectrum. Very bright, straight As in school, sweet-natured. Great writer. Published poet. Funny. Loves math, logic puzzles, goofy word play. Has self-control issues, which sometimes results in meltdowns/screaming fits. Sometimes physical aggression (hitting, biting). Noah has two sisters: Bethany (aged 12) and Ivy (his twin sister)

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Scene: My son Noah’s room, Sunday night, 9:00 p.m. Bedtime.


Dad (snuggling Noah in bed): Good night son. I love you.

Noah: Daddy, can we talk?

Dad: Sure. What’s on your mind?

Noah: Dad . . . do you ever think that I’m . . . different.

Me (hesitantly): Well . . . sometimes. What do you mean?

Noah: I’m different. I don’t like it. I want to be normal.

Me: Noah . . . it’s OK to be different. Everybody has differences.

Noah: No, I’m really different.

Me: But you have so many cool differences . . . you’re a great writer, you’re really funny, you love logic puzzles and—

Noah (interrupting): But my negatives are bigger than my positives.

Me: No. What do you mean?

Noah: I throw fits. I’m different.

Me: Well, Ivy throws fits too. She can be really angry sometimes and—

Noah (interrupting): But my differences are more . . . they’re bigger. I feel like everyone in the world is the same and I’m different. I hate it.

Me: Well . . . I think you should be proud of some of your differences.

Noah (sadly): No . . . I think my differences make it impossible for me to continue living.

Me (heart breaking): Oh Noah . . . I love you . . . I know you hate it when you lose control and have a meltdown . . . but you’re learning to control yourself better . . . you’re doing great.

Noah (whispering): Daddy . . . my life is very difficult.

Me (crying real tears now): Noah . . . I know you’re life is difficult sometimes. I’m so sorry. I wish things weren’t so hard for you. I think you’re very brave to keep trying. I love you.

Noah: No one else is like me.

Me: Yes, there are others like you.

Noah (surprised): Really?

Me: Yes! Would you like to meet some other kids like you?

Noah: Well . . . maybe.

Me: I’ll see what I can do.

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This is not a conversation anyone wants to have with their 9-year-old child. He's carrying such a heavy burden. He feels his differences so acutely, and I don't seem to be able to help him feel good about himself. Some of his differences DO make his life difficult. If we could only get the yelling and hitting completely under control . . . and we're getting there. He's made fantastic progress at school (and at home) the past month or so . . . but he feels the other kids shying away from him. He knows that Ivy has more freedom to roam the neighborhood than he does. And these are very real problems for him, that no amount of praise from me is going to eliminate.

"My differences make it impossible for me to continue living." He's only nine. What a horrible thing for a kid to feel.

I hope I can introduce him to this forum at some point and help him find some other kids on the spectrum. He needs friends, and he could be a good friend if someone would give him the chance . . .

Thanks for listening.

It sounds like he's ready to know about his dx. Knowing about his dx can help him understand that there really are other kids who are similar to him. If there's a name for it, there have to be others! Depending on where you are, there might be a support group or a "buddy" group for kids with ASD. If there is a chapter of ASA or ASCEND, try connecting with them to find out. If your school has been supportive/helpful, they might also know of some resources in your area.

My son was close in age to yours when I gave him Kenneth Hall's Asperger's, The Universe and Everything. He loved it, and it made him feel connected to "somebody" out there. We had already told him about Asperger's, and he was ready to learn more.

I know that kid's pain. Even as someone who's 18 and out of high school I still feel it. Being autistic isn't easy.I denied it most of my life. You might want to start telling your kid about autism. I wish I would have known more about it at that age. My parents just told me that autism was something I "grew out" of. I believed that lie for many years until I found out that autism isn't something you can't EVER grow out of. It's with you the rest of your life. I've had the same thoughts as your kid as well and have many doubts about my future. Your kid meeting others on the spectrum might help. At least it would give him a boost of confidence and give him some friends. I didn't have very many friends when I was 9. I was in the same situation as your kid. I maybe had 1 friend that I played with on the playground. Things will pick up though. I do have quite a few acquaintances that I talk to in college. Most adults wouldn't even guess I have autism. I can cover it up quite well when I'm with older people. It only shows up with people in my age group. Best of luck to you and hope things go well. Hope this helps.

Last edited by dt18 on 03 May 2010, 11:49 am, edited 1 time in total.

I have to agree with Jat. We never hid the AS diagnosis from my daughter, she was DX'd at 3 years old. I think just KNOWING was a comfort to her. She learned more as she got older and it's acceptable to her. In fact - she likes her 'differences' the majority of the time, she has strengths that other kids just don't have and she's learned to use them to her advantage. Your son sounds like a very intelligent child, I think that telling him will be like turning on a light for him. For an intelligent little brain that has already begun analyzing being different and has the ability to put it into words, the not knowing is only going to make him continue to analyse until he has an answer. Give him the answer so that he can move on.

We have had conversations like this. It is very hard. We can tell them how wonderful they are so many times, yet they won't hear it when the rest of the world is telling them the opposite.

My son has known he's autistic since he was quite young -- he told us -- and he has a shelf of books that he turns to on occasion. I Am Utterly Unique is a good one, if your son doesn't feel too old for picture books. He also liked My Book of Autism Heroes, which is not what you'd call incredibly accurate -- most of the people in it didn't have an official diagnosis -- but there aren't enough role models out there, so we give it a pass for now.

There are some good fiction chapter books about Aspies for kids your son's age now, too.

Your son is amazing. And he definitely needs to meet some children more like himself.

I wish my parents had known about Asperger's Syndrome. I wish I had known why I was different. I wish I had known more kids like me.

Your child is fortunate in this area: there's lots of networking support out there for him. Please avail yourselves of it.

You sound like an awesome dad. I hope I can do half as good a job with my own son.

My son has found a lot of comfort in knowing his diagnosis and that there are other kids like him. It also helps when they have the chance to really really see their gifts shine, and earn admiration.

Sorry your son is feeling so down. Remember that you can't just TELL him he is special; he has to EXPERIENCE it. Look for opportunities for him to do things that will allow him to shine. It will make such a huge difference.

Your son is an incredible kid. While it is an offbeat suggestion, might I suggest "The Tao of Pooh" (Winnie, that is) as a means to see that we each have a place and path in life? The Stonecutter's Tale made a huge difference to me when I was just a few years older than he is.


M.

I totally agree!!


I didn't get my diagnosis until I was 16, though I wish I knew about it long ago, then I could have met kids like me. Telling him what really makes him unique would help, and finding out if there are any other Aspies in the area his age might help too.

Even if it doesn't seem like it now, it will get better. Like dt18, I have a lot of friends in college, and back in middle and high schools, I found groups of friends who cared (and still care) about me for who I am.

Its great to see my 7 year old son in his social group. The first time he went there he said "Hey Mommy, there are no bullies in there" .

Poor wee guy.
Yeah take him to meet others, that should do him a world of good and make him feel like he is not so alone on this world.
A boy that clever and self-aware deserves to have a good future. Look after him.

Thank you, everyone, for your ideas, comments, and suggestions. I’m on the hunt for a couple of the books mentioned upthread, and I hope to introduce Noah to the Kids section of this forum later this week. He seemed intrigued by the idea of meeting other kids like him.

This looks like a place I can learn some things, too. I especially appreciated the comments of those on the spectrum. Your perspective is invaluable to me. Thanks a lot for taking the time to respond. I hope, eventually, I’ll be able to offer someone here something useful. . . .

Noah just posted a couple of things in the Kids Crater under the nickname doorknob18. If you wanna, go say hi to him. Thanks!

Cool! My son is about his age, I'll have to see if he's into checking this out, too. Will have to give a crash course in protecting your privacy online first.

Unfortunately this group is local to me but it's a good place for children with a wide variety of differences from those boring "normal" people to meet each other and play and socialize. Maybe if you contact them they can help you find a similar group near you, or help you start one.

http://www.nomoresidelines.org/

They organize sports for the kids and go on outings like trips to the zoo and include kids of all levels. If a group like that can get 220 kids in a small west Michigan town then their must be room in a larger area.

I'm not a mother, but I do know that when I was a child I felt very similar to your son.
I think that you should let him know about his autism; it would answer a lot of questions he has, and give him a stronger sense of identity. It's very important for children (and all humans in general!) to feel like part of a community or group. He sounds interested in learning about other kids like himself, and I think teaching him about autism and possibly researching autistic play groups in your area (I know they exist) would be great for him
Good luck!