How to handle an ill-mannered NT 4.5 year old

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Hi All.

I am in my late thirties and have two children. My son is diagnosed PDD-NOS and is five. My daughter, age 3 appears to be neurotypical.

My friend has three children, an older one in kindgergarten who diagnosed on the spectrum and two neurotypical children. One of the NT's is a four and a half year old boy.

BTW - After learning about the autism spectrum, I think I have very mild autiism or have traits.

Anyways,

I enjoy this family. The mum is excellent with all of her children and enjoyable to be around.

I like her kids too.

I am having a difficult situation with the 4.5 NT child. He is a good kid, but has a mean streak. He plays nicely with my autistic son, but the other day through a big wad of playdoh really hard at him (enough to make a red mark on his face). His mum intervened very well, admonished him and had him apologize - no problems with the parenting at all.

Today, I happened to meet the other mum and the two NT kids for coffee at the mall. The NT 4.5 year old (I'll call him "Bobby") approached my daughter and I while the mum got her coffee. He started talking babbling talk and making raspberry sounds. I responded by saying, "That's a funny way of saying "good morning" Bob." Then the child pinched me fairly hard on my arm. I responded, "Bob. I don't like that. You hurt me and I don't want you around me if you hurt me." He then said, "You're stupid!" I said, "Bob, I need you to leave the table if you speak to me like that" and turned my attention to my daughter and my friends younger daughter and ignored Bob.

My friend arrived and I said, "Mary, I have to report this one." and told her, in neutral terms what happened. Again, Mary responded very well and advised her son that he is not to speak to their friends that way.

Anyway, here is my question....

How is the best way to respond to an NT 4-5 year old who behaves like this. Keep in mind, I have autistic traits and tend to be "picked on" by people of all ages (mostly chidren and youth), however, I am good at dealing with most adult NT uncomfortable situations. I am also gainfully employed and deal well with clients, okay with other staff and okay with my superiors.

I guess I want to make sure that I am responding approrpiately so that the offending child will learn to be respectfull, I will be respected (hey, I may be an adult and this is only a little kid - but gosh darn, I have feelings ) and I model an appropriate response so that my own children will learn how to respond to another child who show disrespectful behaviours towards them. Also, my response has to be age appropriate to a 4-5 year old.

I know this seems like a weird question. Heck, I am the grownup, I should know how to respond to a 4 year old. Keep in mind, this is the same behaviour that 4 year olds showed me when I was 4 years old and 6 years old, etc. So it brings back some unhappy memories for me . I guess my autistic side needs help finding the right words and the right mind set to be able to successfully deal with this.

Ideas and comments are most welcome.

Thanks.

I think you responded very well!

You made clear that you didn't approve his behaviour and why (that's the most important part)
You left the parenting to the parents.

Parents don't like to hear comments about their parenting, even if you're right, even if it is in the best interest of the child and it's parents (had several arguments with my brother-in-law to gain this experience)

I think you handled it really, really well.

I'm going to remember what you did and put it into practice if need be. I always find situations like this very difficult too. I know I'm the adult, and I should be able to handle it, but I'm never very sure of what I'm doing, and I do get a bit intimidated or thrown off by the bad behaviour of other people's children.

Hopefully, this little boy is going through a phase of pushing the boundaries and with his mother's good attitude, and your rebukes, he will come through this to be a pleasant child to be around.

It really sounds like you handled it just fine. Just because a child is NT doesn't mean they don't also struggle with some social issues. It sounds like the mom is good at getting on her son about his behavior when she's alerted to it. Since he's young, it is just a matter of keeping at it. I know it sucks to deal with, but it can take months and even years to rid even an NT child of troublesome behaviors. I know I work with my 5-year-old NT daughter on her mean streak what feels like constantly. (Actually, I call her NT but we are almost positive she has ADHD, which can also cause kids to have difficulty with aggression and impulse control. It's just nothing that affects her ability to socialize or do well in school, and we're reluctant to medicate a small kid. At this age, it's often not yet diagnosed, and since there seems to be a connection between ASDs and ADHD, perhaps this is part of his problem.) My cousins were, quite honestly, holy terrors as kids, but their mom worked very patiently with them on their behavior and they eventually became marvelously kind young people. Anyway, your friend's son sounds like he just needs a little extra coaching on how to have positive social interactions, and in time he will probably be a much more pleasant kid. Whether he's NT or has ADHD, he is still a preschooler and it may just take a LOT of time.

I really appreciate all the comments.



Marcia, I'm glad you let me know that I am not the only one who feels intimidated when dealing with other people's children when they behave inappropriately.

I am really impressed with this mum. I actually have adjusted my responses to my own children based on her modeling. Also, although this particular little boy showed inappropriate behaviour in these specific incidents, he really is a good kid and quite fun to be around

I guess I'll just keep using the same style of response when dealing with any child who behaves inappropriately to me or my kids (or anyone in my presence who for whatever reason feels flummoxed and unable to respond).

Thanks.

I think you've handled things very well. If it were me I'd probably ask the mom about the situation to see if it's something that he's always done or something he's just trying out now or something special he's doing just to you.

If he's doing it just to you it may be a lame attempt to get your attention. Especially if you're a little Aspie ish you may accidentally be giving him less attention than he's used to or wants. If you pre-emptively try to give him more attention when you see him again he may not resort to the pinching and noises. You could even talk to him about positive ways to connect to you. I tell my children to touch my elbow when they need to talk to me if I'm already talking to somebody. He might just want more eye contact while you're doing it. With a crowd of kids it's hard to give them all what they want and he's at the age where social awareness, the awareness of other people and their needs, is still pretty new to him. It typically develops between three and four, but in some children, boys especially, it can even be a little later and that's still considered NT.

I'll join in with the others, you handled it right. Stay on the same track.

Some kids have more trouble absorbing certain messages than others. Stay patient and consistent. You are sending the right message and acting appropriately.