I need some sort of support system.

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I'm the only person I know with an autistic child. I honestly feel like I am alone a lot of the time. I have no one to talk to or to give me advise. The mojority of my information is received via, books, documentaries and webiste such as this one. Here's a quick run down (Real quick, before I sound depressed or "whiney", let me just say I am very happy with my life and I like to believe I have the most awesome, amazing child in the world; I just need some venting time):

I have a soon to be 4 year old son. Since he was about 2 years old, I realized something just didn't seem right (I feel bad for admitting it, but I can't even remeber now what I found to seem off, although I do remember saying that he seemed "too smart"). After two years, two early developmental screening programs, one screening at the local Autism center here in Oklahoma, and a visit with a child psychiatrist, diagnosis time is just around the corner. In fact, the psychiatrist we went to last month said that he "knows my son is autistic", but further testing is necessary to determine to what degree. We now have an appointment with a child psychologist next Monday for IQ testing, among other things. Basically, at this point, it is obvious that my son is on the spectrum, but he is more on the mild/aspergers end as opposed to "classic" autism.

Back to my point, I am overwhelmed. So overwhelmed. I am 23 years old, work a 40 hour a week job and go to a state university part time. I do not have a stable babysitter, so it is very rare that I get time to myself. And time to myself is not time alone. It is usually time with my boyfriend (who is wonderful and for all intents and purposes is my son's daddy) going to a 2 hour movie or dinner. I don't get to be by myself ever. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love being a mommy and spending time with my little boy (despite any diagnosis, he is wonderful), but I get overwhelmed and break down a lot more than I let anyone else know or see. On top of things, I live at home with my dad who is one of those believers that there is nothing wrong with anyone and that my son is perfectly fine, he just "doesn't like other kids", so I don't even tell him that I have my son in counseling services. He loves his grandson very much and I think he might get offended or something like that at the thought of someone saying that there is something not right with him. I feel like I have to sneak around and keep everything quiet just to avoid a very uncomfortable conversation that will end with my dad still in his stubborn midset, so I bottle up and hide my frustrations and feelings. My boyfriend is great support for me, but he and I are the only people we both know that are raising an autistic child. I have no idea what I am doing here. I feel like I am losing my mind at times. I know that having a kid is trying even if they are "normal", but it is so much harder that I feel like me and my son don't understand eachother and that he is so defiant and stubborn. I just want to pull my hair out at times.

I am finally coming to the realization that I need to try to get help for myself, too. I live in Northeast Oklahoma (a little north of Tulsa) and I wanted to know if anyone knows of any parental support groups that might help me. Or if anyone thinks they might have some good advise or words of wisdom, I am all ears. I'm sick of being so stressed and I feel like I take it out on my son by screaming and yelling at him. It makes me feel bad and a lot of the time I will cry after I have an outburst at my son because he did something "bad" or "wrong". I feel like I am trying to have a logical conversation with a person who speaks a language I have never heard and I can't handle it. I don't want to keep being angry and frustrated and I hate screaming at and punishing my beautiful son who is the best thing in the world to me. Although I take everything lightly for the most part and I try not to let things bother me, sometimes it is just too much. I would say that I am a sweet, fun mommy 95% of the time, but it's that 5% of the time that I blow up that I need help with. I would like to think that I am strong and independent, but I do need help and support.

You are right, you do need some support. And some time alone to recharge. You have a LOT on your plate. I used to be a person who was able to work two jobs and go to school at the same time, but truly, having children challenges your capacity. Is it possible that your father is on the spectrum? Is it possible for you to cut out some of your obligations right now and focus more on your personal well being? Working full time, going to school, raising a child, and managing an intimate relationship is a LOT to juggle. The truth is you are probably going to have to drop some of that responsibility or you are likely to burn out.

I have outbursts with my children also. I find that they happen when I am worn out and have not had enough quiet time. I make an effort to keep a manageable routine that is the same each week. My oldest child I believe to be NT and she enjoys having friends over and doing activities which makes our lives busier. My youngest child I believe to be on the spectrum (and I am 100% about myself). The worst days for us are the days after a busy day. I've tried to structure our time to be able to sleep in and take it easy the day after a busy day. When you can pinpoint a changeable issue you can start to work on it.

I wish I could help further. I know that saying take a break is easier said than done when children are involved.

I am not surprised you feel overwhelmed. I feel overwhelmed, and my plate has never been as full as yours!

Everyone needs time alone, with no obligations, at least every so often. Consider this a normal need, not something selfish, and figure out if you can find a way to arrange it. Don't feel guilty for wanting what you need; that guilt is half the problem. Accept the need and try to fill it.

I don't know anything in your area, but even a regular play group would probably help. I've found that a diverse group of moms can be just as supportive as ones who know specifically what I'm going through. It is more about finding caring people than people like yourself. Which broadens the field a little.

Take care. I've got a crazy day but maybe I can post more later.

First off, I would say that the way you feel has little to do with Asperger's. You are a working single mother who is also going to school, which is an awful lot to handle at once. If you can be a good mom 95% of the time, that's way more than most people would do in that situation. You just need to figure out a way to let go the other 5% of the time if you're tempted to overreact.

I would also say that, from your description, there is a chance you are on the spectrum yourself. That is not a problem. It does not make you a different person than you were; you're still the same person. The reason I point that out is that the same applies to your son. If he is the most awesome, amazing child in the world to you, then a diagnosis changes nothing about that - he's still the most awesome, amazing child in the world. And if your boy is the one in your avatar, I have to say he's pretty cute, too!

Finally, I would suggest that you simplify your life if possible. Are there things you can skip? Is going to school going to help your career, or are you doing it out of habit, like some of my acquaintances? Is your boy's counseling really necessary and helpful, or is it just adding one more source of stress in your life? Does your boyfriend help reduce your stress levels overall, or is he another stressor, even if one that you like? Are there other things that you can drop?

The solution to Asperger's is not to try to make the boy neurotypical; that can't be done, and it's probably not desirable anyway. The main reason why it's a useful diagnosis is that neurotypical parents often have trouble with kids that don't react the way they, the parents, to, and the diagnosis helps them realize that they have to raise their kids differently. If you love spending time with your little boy and you think him wonderful, it sounds like you are on the right track anyway. Look on the bright side - if your boy doesn't like other kids his age, that removes a whole category of social stress from your life.

To me it sounds like the issues you have with your child are not aspie specific, but rather stem from the fact that he is, after all, only four. Four year olds, even aspie four year olds, do not have fully logical conversations. Sometimes physical prevention works better than logic or screaming. Sometimes you just have to let go for a minute, or schedule extra time because little kids tend to get distracted. I believe distraction usually still works at four.

Most important, though, is finding the time to spend with him when you are not hurried and can pay attention to him and nothing else.

Most schools/colleges have counselling services. Make an appointment and discuss your problems with a real person. Just having someone to talk to can sometimes help a lot.

You are not a bad mother. All mothers lose it occasionally. Nobody's perfect. And you're doing the best you can possibly do.

You might try here http://www.autismtulsa.org/index.cfm?id=77 or here http://okautism.org/oaapartners/steering-committee/
I live in California and we have the Regional Center....both my kids were diagnosed for free through them and I also get respite care which I think you really need. It is basically a free babysitter and it gives you a little break. The second link has some support groups listed. Also, the school system should provide you with pre school if he is diagnosed with Autism. I have five kids two with Asperger's and one with Autism. I have Asperger's and sometimes me and my aspies bump heads because we all want to be right but I also understand them and to me they are "normal". Just dont beat yourself up, being a parent is the toughest job in the world and its great that you see that you need some help and also that you look at your child in such a positive light. I hope the links I gave you helped and I hope you and he get some assistance soon! Sometimes you have to make a lot of noise to get services for your kids but its worth it for both of you.

I think that the only way for you to make it through all of this is to keep your sanity. The only way you will be able to do that is to have some time to yourself (as you noted in your post.) Is there anyway that your boyfriend or dad could watch your son for a few hours a week, so that you could just do something for yourself? Could you cut your class load or your work schedule at all?

Also, try to realize that you are not a bad mom for losing it from time to time. All moms do. Even those with typical kids. I am sure that a lot of your son's behaviors are just normal 4 yr old behavior. Some of it is related to AS, but a lot of it is normal (although trying at times) Just try to take a deep breath and maybe even go in another room for a minute if you feel your temper flaring up. I have learned with my son that the more I remain calm, the better it turns out. The more you can read about AS, the better. There are many resources out there.

In regards to your dad not accepting that anything is wrong, I know what you mean. My mother in law really does not accept that anything is wrong with our son. We don't see her on a regular basis though. But, I have just decided to let her have her own opinion and just let her think that her baby grandson is fine. It will not hurt him for her to love him unconditionally and treat him as normally as possible. You are the child's mother, so you have to do what is best for him regardless of others opinions.

You have come to the right place for support. I have found WP to be very valuable to me, and you don't have to leave your home to get advice!! ! Please, hang in there and just keep coming here for advice. I think you are doing a very wonderful job for someone as young as yourself. You have a lot of responsibility and I commend you for stepping up to the plate!

Best wishes to you and your son-

First let me say you are not alone ... I am right there with you. In need of a support system. And I also agree with the person that suggested simplifying your life. I feel such an overwhelming need to make some changes.
Here is a little info on me and my situation ... I asked and asked and asked anyone that treated my oldest daughter for answers and got nothing except 14 years of daily battles, misunderstandings and blaming myself. Why is she like this ? What have I done? Then when she was 15 she began self harming activity ( cutting ) and Now living in a different state I lucked out and found someone that had answers.
She was diagnosed with Asperger's, ADHD, OCD and depression ..... Then next came my middle child : Asperger's / Dygraphea / Anxiety Disorder / ADHD / and Learning Disabilities and she has Scoliosis ( curving of her spine ) .... Then I was diagnosed at age 42 with : Asperger's / ADHD / Anxiety Disorder .... Now on Thursday I will be picking up my 5 year old's formal diagnosis papers is has: Asperger's / Dysgraphea / ODD & ADHD

I am on disability due to my anxiety disorder and panic attacks when in public situations. I am also a homeschooling mom. I have Counseling and see a Psychiatrist for my meds management, I attend an Adults Aspergers support group once a month along with a Parents support group the same day. My oldest sees a Psychiatrist for meds management, a counselor and a PSR worker 3 days a week ( these are all required if she is to see their Psychiatrist .... Then my middle child has weekly Occupational Therapy ... My little guys has Occupational Therapy weekly but thank God his comes to the house. All of these appointment have completely disrupted our homechool & family routines ... and that is a pretty bad thing. The 2 younger children and I have struggled the most with all of these new things.

And my husband has gone back to College so that we can give the kids everything they need.

I feel alone and overwhelmed on most days at some point and sometime the entire day is overwhelming.

So here is my resent thinking : I need to simplify the lives of my children and myself. Since I homeschool I also work on social skills / gross and fine motor skills / Manners and anything I find that might help them cope with the cards we've been given in life. So the OT that we travel to is going bye bye, so is my Counselor along with Drama class and ballet classes. My oldest will keep her services for now as it actually #1 gives me and the other kids a small break and her PSR worker has been helpful. One out of the three days she stays here and works with Shay, I and the other children to help them to better cope with each other as they are all so very different in their symptoms and tend to stomp on each other last nerve daily.

My husband is quitting is job to attend college full time and to be home more to help with the kids and as support for me.

To me Simple sounds heavenly .... After all We are capable through educating our selves to help our kids with most of their difficulties right here at home. And they are all AMAZING people ... Creative , smart and talented. We are not out to change them just to help them develop some tools and coping skills . And we have actually seen more progress with our 2 youngest from what we have been doing with them. Needless to say my 17 year old is a teenager and thinks we know nothing ...blah blah blah so I do think that she may benefit from the outside help ( time will tell )

Sorry this is so long ... LOL
If you would ever like to trade emails and talk PM me and we can do that.
Wishing you all the best

AspieMom3

Thanks for all your responses. I agree that a lot of the reason I get overwhelmed is that I am too busy. It drives me nuts. I'm not sure how, but I need to try to organize my life a little better. For me, college is a must. I am only taking basic courses at the moment, but I will either be going for a degree in registered nursing or biology. It takes a lot of work and dedication. I do however feel that college has added a huge amount of stress and pressure to my life, but I also feel accomplished. I have decided to cut my workload during Summer to only one class that is 1-Unit (basically a super easy, no time at all class). That way, I don't totally drop out of school, but I will be able to determine if my school work is causing much of the negativity in my live.

I'm not sure what it is, but maybe I expect too much of myself and unintentionally overload myself in every possible way. I'm not sure who said it, but I think you're right when you said that I am probably not actually angry and stressed out because of my son, but that my plate is so full that at the end of the day, everything adds up and I blow up on him because of everything else. I need to stop this, I know that. It's just hard for me that when I am off work and finished up all my school work and want to be with my son, that he repeatedly tells me "no" or has tantrums or won't mind. It feels like what should be my escape (being with Nathan) feels like another job at times. I don't know if it's the Asperger's or just having a young child, or the fact that I am obsessive compulsive with certain things and get stressed out easily, but I am just overwhelmed.

In reference to the Autism diagnosis, i'm not embarassed or anything, but I have not been comfortable talking to anyone in my life (parents, siblings, friends, co-workers) about it. It is so new and strange to me, and like I had mentioned, I don't know anyone else with Autism or and Autistic child, so I don't see how anyone could relate. It's like I want to and need to talk about it, but I can't. I think that causes stress, too. I'm very glad I found this forum because I feel like I am able to connect with people that are not judgemental and who understand what I am going through.

...and AspieMom3, you have a VERY full plate in front of you. You have to be really strong to handle that. Bravo.

Nathansmom-
Try to hang in there and keep coming here for support---Maybe in time you will find someone that you feel comfortable talking about it. But, I have found that WP allows me to release a lot of stress without talking to anyone face to face. My family and friends have been very supportive, but sometimes I feel like I want to talk about my son too much. And also, I don't think that they fully understand what we are going through. Raising a child with AS is a big challenge, but I think you sound like the type of mom that will be able to handle it!

I have decided to take steps to weed out a little bit of the frustration in my life. I decided to not take a class this Summer so I have a few months to cool off from this last very frustrating semester. I have also found a babysitter who (fingers crossed) appears to be really realiable, so I can have at least one night on the weekend that I can go out and be an adult. The babysitter is the younger sister of one of my good friends that I haven't seen regularly since I started dating my boyfriend (he doesn't keep me from seeing my best friend, but we do spend most of our time together, plus i'm always busy). It's really nice to see my friend again and just sit down and talk and laugh. Nathan has been going to the psychologist and is behaving "ok". He seems to be doing very well, but his tantrums and defiance still make me want to pull my hair out. I am trying to not let little things bother me. It's hard, but I think i'm on the right track to getting myself to a place in life where I have as little stress as possible.

I think you are very wise. Stress, even from good things like going to school, raising a child you love, and so on can take it's toll. You have a very full schedule. Taking steps to care for yourself now, before you start to loose it, is an incredibly smart thing to do, IMO.

My hat is off to you!

Glad to hear you are finding some ways to give yourself a little breathing room. It is so very necessary! Not a luxury, a necessity. Never forget that you have to take care of you, too.

Good luck and have fun!