Wanting to give a gift

Post Reply New Topic

I have some issues with some parents in my sons social group. Tonight it was hard to keep quiet about it. I just feel for the kids so I was wondering if giving the parents a book instead of shooting off my mouth would be a good idea. They were asking each other a lot of questions last week so I do know that they are possibly looking for answers. I personally dont understand blaming the child instead of educating themselves but maybe its just easier for me to understand my kids as I have Asperger's myself.
Basically I just wanted to know what you guys think is the best book for NT parents to understand their Aspie kids? I have not yet decided if Im going to get a book and give it to them or not. Its hard for me to interfere but, like I said, I feel so bad for these guys. I know what they are going through and their parents have this idea that they are just acting out to embarrass them. They go the punish and medicate route. The "center" is wonderful and the woman who runs it has her own book out and my kids have had therapy through them for two years now so one would think these parents would catch on. Maybe I should just keep to myself. Not really sure if I should do something or not.

I would probably not give the book. Although this is just me, and I am not sure what the correct thing to do or not do would be. I would be concerned about causing offense, but I guess it all depends on the context around it, how well you know these women etc.

You said they were asking questions last week, would it have been possible for you to join the conversation and give them some information verbally? This might be seen as a less intrusive/judgmental way of guiding them. But again, it's all dependent on context and relationships. And I personally probably wouldn't say anything unless it was really overt (like something abusive), because the parent would likely just get offended and not listen anyway. If it is really bothering you, could you discuss it confidentially with the woman who runs the program? Maybe she could give some sort of training or make up a handout about the issue, and coming from her it would be accepted.

I hate the blame the child thing too. So frustrating and disheartening.

I dont know them. One of them has been there awhile and the other is kind of new. I did try to join the conversation but the new woman just kept telling me that I didnt know her son so I kept quiet. Anyway, I think your right about not giving them a book. Its just irritating when they have the tools and information right in front of them but they just dont want to do the work to learn. I suppose its easier for them to hope for the magic pill. I did ask them if they knew that the medication they have their kids on can cause tics and one of them didnt know. I could never imagine putting my child on a medication without knowing the side effects.
I did talk to someone who works with my kids and for the center. I bet its hard for the people who work with these kids to have parents like this as well...because if you try to tell them something they get defensive. In a way I understand because I can get defensive too but I wish someone would have been around to help me with my first son....they think they have it bad they should have experienced my son. He is 22 now but he has early onset bi polar and I think some autism too but not formally with the autism. He used to light the house on fire! A little meltdown at a social group is nothing.

Quite honestly, if I was one of the parents, I would WANT you to speak out about it. I realize that is difficult for you, for it has to be handled carefully, but the personal experience you have to share is what is going to ultimately get through to them the best.

If you were to decide to say something, here is a possible script?

Parents talking about something that you feel is a misunderstanding
You try to jump in - "Um, may I say something here?"
Wait for attention. If not getting it, try again, "um, sorry, but I would really like to have the floor for a moment."
When you have the floor:
"Ok. This is really difficult for me so please bear with me. I don't know if all of you are aware of this, but I am on the spectrum myself and, as such, I feel like I have insight into what is going on with our kids that maybe you haven't thought of. Would it be OK with this group if I took a moment to share some of those thoughts? They may not always be easy to hear, and I don't mean to be critical, but people like me are wired really differently, and I feel it is really important for you, as parents to kids on the spectrum, to understand how things look from a perspective like mine."

I will try that DW_a_Mom....Im just afraid of my emotions getting in the way. I think it was good that I didnt say anything last night because the one woman kept calling her son a Jerk (we watch the session on a tv from another room) and it really made me angry. When I tried to talk to the other woman alone I told her its hard for me to keep my mouth shut and that these kids dont do those things just to irritate their parents...she told me "sometimes they do". I just doubt Id make any headway with either of them. I will talk more to the woman who supervises my kids, shes really great and let me talk to her last night. Maybe next week conditions will be right for a better conversation...I hope. Im bringing my I Pod just in case!

Some parents are jerks, themselves ... but I tend to feel one has to try (don't take it personally if it doesn't get well). As for kids doing things just to irritate their parents, well, yes, sometimes kids do ... but when it comes to a child with AS, it isn't likely to be the things the parents believe it is, and THAT is the point they need to hear. Always acknowledge that there may be truth to their view, and then provide the flip side, and provide it well. They need to understand that what an NT views as within a person's control is not the same as what someone who is AS views as within a person's control. It is quite different, what an AS person has control over v. an NT person, and I've discovered that my son actually assumes I can control things I cannot, just because he CAN. So it goes both ways.

Exactly! A little perspective on the situation is good! It drives me nuts when people think that Aspergers is the end of the world!

Calling her kid a "jerk" would have made me really upset too. DW's advice is great, as always. I hope it goes well if you try to talk to this woman.

(I used to have a fire starting problem myself in my early teens. I am not bipolar. I was just really perseverated on fire at the time, and didn't understand the consequences at all. I am very likely undxed aspergers, and certainly had no understanding of what I put my poor parents through at that time. Of course, they were pretty awful to me too. I am hoping that my little guys stick to nice safe interests, like Star Wars and Lego. )

I second that! That's just rude.

As an NT mom of an awesome aspie, I know there is a lot I still have to learn about Aspergers and I want to learn. If someone on the spectrum gave me a book to help me understand my child more, I personally would be very grateful...but of course I have no idea how someone else would take it. I certainly would never call my daughter a jerk, so apparently this parent and I are coming from different perspectives.

People get so hung up on the negative (or perceived negative) differences! Getting to learn about a mind that works differently from mine is fascinating. My daughter has her own gifts that, I believe, are due at least in part to having Aspergers. I wish other people would see both sides of this and not look at it as a sort of disease or something that needs fixed.

If the parent's were asking questions that may be a sign that they are willing to learn. I like your idea of wanting to give them a book. Maybe if you don't want to start a conversation yet about your own experience, you could offer to them that you know of a lot of good books they could read to help them learn more about their kids. They obviously need to start learning something from somewhere! Someone calling their own child a jerk to another parent is very disturbing.

A possible middle ground, rather than actually handing them a book, is to read a few of the works of William Stillman and then discuss the books with them, and recommend him as a great first-person source of Aspergers info. If you aren't familiar with him, you can check him out on Amazon or at his website www.williamstillman.com. He also very graciously agreed to do an interview on my blog which will be coming up in the next week or so. I personally find everything he writes to be infused with compassion, wisdom, and open-mindedness, and he is an Aspie himself which for me lends great credibility to his work.

I have gone over a lot of things to say in my mind....but I tend to have difficulty speaking. I was thinking of writing a script, which will probably look weird but, oh well! I think I will feel things out next week....maybe someone has talked to her so we will see if she is in a better mindset with her son, I hope so.