"I hate you!"

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How do you deal with the things your child says in the heat of the moment? I ask because when I was a kid, I was too afraid to EVER say some of the things that other kids are known to say to their parents. I don't want my kids to live in an environment where they're afraid to speak their minds, but I also don't want them to grow up to be disrespectful and hurtful.

Lately my daughter (6yo aspie) has latched onto "I hate you," "I wish I wasn't part of this family," and the suchlike. It's only in a meltdown that she says anything like this, and she, my son, and I have a really good bond, so I'm not worried that it actually means anything...but how do I deal with it properly? Also, I'm getting rather tired of the shocked looks I get if any other adult happens to overhear. They look at me as if to say, "You're going to let your child talk to you like that?" And of course this is followed by the judgmental look of, "If that were MY child..."

But honestly I think trying to deal with what she's saying at that point is counterproductive. So, I ask you...what works for you?

My son hasn't said that for a while. Although it's never fun to hear I knew he had limited ability to express complex emotions. And they are complex for a child; you know your daughter doesn't hate you. She's just frustrated and feels powerless. I would just tell my son it's possible to be mad at somebody and not hate them too. On the other side, I remember thinking that I loved my son. I thought just saying it out of the blue seemed weird . Then I thought I should say it whenever I thought it. So I did and now he tells me he loves me sometimes apropos of nothing in particular. It's nice.
(but sorry) in re: to your question about other people, I'd just ignore them. Who says they have the best ideas about child rearing? I don't think it's good to be afraid of your parent. Your daughter is very young, maybe at a quieter time help her understand how her comment made you feel.

It is a very normal phase for kids to go through, and I personally believe it is better not to make too much out of it. My NT daughter is the one who says it all the time, actually. My AS son only did it a very short while.

My reaction is generally to reply, "I know you don't like me right now." Basically, confining it to the moment, and trying to give them the more accurate words to express what they are feeling. I also tend to add, "but you'll love me again in an hour or so," but I'm not sure there is any positive reason for me doing that, just that it has become the inside joke with my daughter, and it usually gets a reaction from her (either a grunt type of yes, or if she is really mad she'll try to convince me that it really is permanent this time ... yeah, right ).

As for other people ... ignore them. We know the relationship we have with our kids, and that sort of statement is far more normal than anyone enjoys admitting. Maybe they are really admiring you for keeping your cool in the face of such a shocking encounter

my son says similar things when he is angry. i respond with "i love you" or if his reaction is a consequence of him not wanting to do a task, i say "ok but still you need to do this...".
i mean it is very frustrated being trapped in a childs body with a very little freedom. it takes forever to grow up.

Re: other people...you know what? You guys are right. Let them think what they want! They're going to anyway. In the meantime, I have a job to do.

I do like the idea of following up about things after everyone is calm again. Also acknowledging what she says while redirecting or framing it correctly is a fantastic idea. That way I'm at least responding in some way as a parent; so far I've alternated between ignoring it (and feeling uncomfortably as if that's the wrong thing to do) and addressing it sternly (and feeling uncomfortably as if that's the wrong thing to do).

And you're right. It's incredibly frustrating to be a kid. Maybe I should see if I can draw her into talking about that with me when we're having our calm after-discussion.

When a child says "I hate you!", it's completely meaningless. Ignore it.

i usually talk with them afterwards when they are calmer about how that makes me feel, how they would feel if that was said to them, and if it was a really harsh statement (i wish you were dead, etc) to ask them how they would really feel in that situation. let them know its ok to be really angry with and not like someone in one moment even tho they are someone you love.

after that, if it happens again, you can calmly remind them in the moment that its ok to be angry but not ok to talk like that to people you love.

its all about self control and anger management. our job is to help them understand the boundaries and learn to control themselves. you dont want to just ignore it or let it pass, instead use it as a teachable moment.

of course, different kids have different abilities to control themselves. my 13 yr old still has self control and anger issues so we still hear these things from him occasionally. at this point we both know its not how he really feels, so sometimes we try to diffuse it with humor instead, for instance a giant show of drama about how wounded you are, falling on the couch in agony, etc. his response to that will usually be to get angrier for a minute, then his anger diffuses into laughter. this wont work with all kids, but it helps him get over the moment faster.

You ignore it and act disinterested.

She'll grow out of it.

I don't agree with the ignore it response. It is typical for young kids to say these things and they certainly don't mean exactly what they say but they are usually trying to express a strong emotion and that should be acknowledged. I think our job is to help them find better words to use.

The people who should be ignored are the judgemental folks who presume they have any clue what we are going through!

My NT daughter (age 5, also has ADHD so I suppose she's not quite NT) often tells me this in the heat of a tantrum. I have found the best response is to say, VERY calmly, "I know you are angry with me right now, but I will always love you and I hope you change your mind about hating me. However, you are still in time out for (X infraction) because (reason why we don't allow X infraction)."

Without fail, she will apologize as soon as she has cooled down. Kids have trouble processing emotions, and "I hate you" is a really easy way for them to vent. (Unfortunately for us parents!) Don't take it personally. She is just blowing off steam, albeit in a way that's really hard on a parent's feelings!

I think it's normal for children to say things like that, but I also think it's very important to reinforce it and not give them the impression that it's acceptable.

It's interesting...when I follow up with her later and try to talk about it, it only works if I don't sound like I'm about to discipline her. If she thinks I'm pulling the ol' Stern Mom approach, she tunes me out immediately and will dismiss the subject with a defensive "whatever!" or "I'm not talking to you!"

And yet...if I speak to her in a conversational tone about it and get her to see how certain things are hurtful to say, she'll accept it and usually be quite willing to apologize if the situation calls for it. Several times she's even apologized on her own without me saying a thing.

Just interesting, how my approach can make such a dramatic difference. I know this is true of anyone but it seems to be more apparent when I'm dealing with my daughter.

My son is 13 and an Aspie with ADHD and major mood issues. He can't take the meds for the ADHD anymore because they are triggering mood cycling. It's been a rough year and he's done a lot of melting down and weird stuff. At one point his teacher put him on the phone with me to see if I could calm him down and he told me "I hate you!" I replied "I love you too" in a kind voice (as opposed to an ironic one, which was tempting). Then he said "No, I HATE you." I told him I heard him the first time and loved him anyway, even when he is being rude and mean. Later on when he was more himself he apologized and said he loved me.

Billy, 10 year old aspie, used to, but now he says "You hate me!! !" When he says that to me, I sit down with him and explain to him why that is not true... and try to get him to laugh a little.