I am sometimes an excellent mum - other times...

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I just finished having one of those "other times"

I had a special lock put on our screen door. The lock uses a key on both the inside and outside. This way I can keep the screen door locked so my five year old with autism doesn't run out of the house and get some fresh air into my home.

The upgrade costs close to $150. Unfortunately, things are made very cheaply these days and the stupid cylinder of the lock became lose after one day. I am in the process of contacting the company to fix it.

This afternoon, I noticed that the cylinder was not in. I was helping my other child with some stuff and had heard my son opening the screen door. I asked him if he took the cylinder. He said, "yes." I asked him where he put it. He said, "I don't know." I asked him again, nicely. I offered him some chocolate if he would find the cylinder. He said, "maybe it's in the garbage." I searched through three garbage cans full of stinky, soggy garbage and all the recycling bins too. No cylinder.

I ended up getting +++ angry. I used extremely bad language and horrible insults. I smacked the kids and screamed at him to find the %$# cylinder.

Finally, at the end of my rope - I call my husband at work and ask him to come home early. I advise him that I am completely losing control and that I am furious at our son. I tell him what transpired.

He advised me that he removed the cylinder. He forgot to tell me.

I had yelled at my son, called him horrible things and was basically a furious, out of control basket case for 15 minutes being angry about something that he didn't do.

I picked up my son and apologized and said, in simple terms, what happened. I told him all the things that make him a good boy. I explained, in simple terms, why mum was angry and why it was wrong to say the things that I did.

I still feel like the worst mum in the whole world.

I am worried that my son is going to feel horrible about himself due to mum's anger issues.

It bad enough that society will be down on him, now he has a mum who calls him "stupid" and "useless" when she's mad.

Any words of empathy, advice or some sort of support (not for what I did, but for the challenge of parenting in general) would be appreciated.

Canadian Rose-
You are only human, and dealing with these situations day after day will at times cause you to lose it. I know that I get really frustrated at times and yell at my son too. I think as long as you did apologize to him and try to reassure him of your love, then he will forgive you and move on. I think being the parent of an autistic child is an opportunity to grow in the virtue of patience. I thought that I was pretty patient until my son came along. Now I know how far I have to go. I often wonder why I can't seem to leave my son unattended for any period time because I don't know what he is going to wreck or destroy, or what he is going to put into his mouth and swallow. And I only have 1 child! I honestly don't know how many of you moms are able to do it!

Just try to take a deep breath and move on. When you feel yourself start to escalate, just maybe take a little time out for yourself!

Don't worry, I have been treated far worse for far less, and I am still doing fine.

The fact that you apologized for the mistake was far better then I ever got.

I have felt what you are feeling. I haven't cursed because I don't like to, but I have jumped to conclusions, lost my temper and yelled a lot, only to find that I overreacted or misunderstood the situation and feel like the scum of the Earth. I have 5 kids, twins and triplets. One of my twins is an Aspie. I grew up an only child. I had this vision of the type of Mom I was going to be. Very Leave it to Beaver. The chaos in my house has sent me to the edge of my patience more times than I can count. I am hoping that the blood, sweat and tears I pour into them 99% of the time is what they will recall as adults instead of the 1% when I fall apart. Parenting is a very humble experience.

The important thing is that you apologized for your mistake and didn't try to cover it up. Next step - allow your son to see that adults can suffer consequences for their actions, too. As in, give yourself a time out for losing your temper when your husband comes home. In your room, quiet. The kids don't have to know that you like it But I've noticed it adds that extra impact when the kids believe we can be called to the carpet and have to do more than apologize, too. Makes the world seem more fair to them.

Everyone makes mistakes. You can't let it eat you up, or you won't be able to be a good mom tomorrow. You move on because you have to.

OK.... so you've heard the voices of support. But... I will be a different voice.

It's not acceptable to smack your kids and call them insulting names when you are angry. I know you know that. But I think you need to hear that doing those things is NOT just a part of being human. It's not a part of being a parent either.

Those things are off limits as a parent. Getting angry is ok, yelling occasionally is ok too. Smacking and insulting your kids in a fit of uncontrolled rage is... possibly bordering on abusive.

I know I'll get a ton of folks coming down on me for saying that, but I do feel compelled to say it. I just feel strongly that what you need right now is not people saying "that's ok, you're only human" but instead people saying "you're better than that, your kids deserve better, and you need to find a way to stop doing that".

We all have bad days, sometimes REALLY bad days, but I just think it's dangerous for us to coddle each other when a bad day slides into territory that is darker and more threatening than just 'getting angry'. In my book, smacking your kids and inslulting them with words like stupid and useless, that crosses a line that you need to know is not acceptable.

Do you feel like you might benefit from anger management classes? Is this a one-time only situation, or has this happened before?

I hope you'll understand that I'm not trying to accuse you of being an abusive parent, and I'm not trying to judge you as a person. I believe you when you say you are usually a great mum, but I do feel that you need to hear that your behaviour, as you described it, is completely unacceptable and that you should seek treatment if you feel it may happen again.

Others will disagree, but that's my sincere position.

If you call your son stupid and useless enough times, he will begin to believe it.

No, Caitlin, I think you expressed it very well. I went back and read the original post, and I guess it did seem that it was more of just an incident of getting upset and yelling at the kids. I too, do not believe in ever hitting my child or using fowl language. I guess I just didn't read the post as well as I should have.

That being said, Canadian Rose, I still feel that yes, you are human, and all of us can continue to benefit from trying ways to manage our anger and have more patience with our children before it becomes too escalated.

[quote="CanadianRose"]
I am worried that my son is going to feel horrible about himself due to mum's anger issues.

It bad enough that society will be down on him, now he has a mum who calls him "stupid" and "useless" when she's mad.

Any words of empathy, advice or some sort of support (not for what I did, but for the challenge of parenting in general) would be appreciated.[/quote]


This is how I am reading the thread. CanadianRose knows that what she did was wrong. She feels very badly about it and she apologized to her child. She would like to never sink that low again. What she wants is for people to tell her how she can better manage her own meltdowns that she may be a better parent.

I don't think there is anything anyone can say that would make her feel worse about the situation. She loves her child and feels horribly guilty already. Dwelling on it and feeling even worse will not help the situation.

CanadianRose, you are not the WORST mom in the world. You did not kill your child, walk out on them, or turn to drugs and leave your son to wallow in a pit of neglect. You love your child and you are trying.

Everyone needs a little help from time to time. Maybe an anger management course would be good. Maybe you could talk your emotions out and get a bit more support from your husband. Maybe you need to make sure you have more "mommy time" try to arrange some quiet time just for yourself, particularly when things are getting hectic. Go find a shrink you like, ask for them to work with you specifically on better stress management / parenting skills. Take a walk through the self help section of Barnes and Nobles, you should be able to find a book that fits your needs.

There is no shame in making a mistake, admitting it, and learning from it.

Caitlin, I agree with you that it is not acceptable to smack the kids and curse at them. I think CanadianRose agrees with you as well. She did not want to and she does not want the incident to repeat.

I agree that taking steps to learn to control the behavior would be good. For both you, as the mum who wants to do better, and for the kids, who need to understand that bad behavior has costs not just to kids, but to adults.

And my daughter is now reminding me that I have something I promised to do and I must do it, eh?

I can relate. You need to figure out what you want to do differently next time something like this happens, then promise yourself you will do things differently.

Ohhh *facepalm*

I have to laugh, I have been there, so many times. I have been working sooo hard on my temper - this is what I've learned;

LANGUAGE and COMMUNICATION, are the problem. And it goes both ways. So keep your calm, time usually brings about the true meaning of what the kid is trying to say. (which in my son's case, is usually so stupendously obvious I end up smacking myself in the face)

For example, you said you asked him if he took the cylinder and he said "yes", then you asked him where it was and he said "I don't know".

One would automatically assume that the first answer is the truth, and the second answer is questionable. (that's how most NT kids operate. They say "yes", then sense they're in trouble by your voice/expression/body language , and suddenly "forget" where they put it, hoping that they will then avoid getting in trouble)

When in reality, the second answer was the truth, and the first answer was questionable!! (AS kid; mom wants an answer, wonder what a cylinder is..hmm, I'll go with "yes", that usually makes her happy. Where is the whatchemacallit? "i don't know". Maybe it's in the garbage..? No idea. What the- Why are you screaming and throwing garbage everywhere?)

My son often says what he thinks I want to hear, and then gets confused if I probe deeper with questions. Sounds like this happened to you.

Nobody's perfect. It was a miscommunication. Between you and your son. Between your husband and you. Lesson learned and try to get something out of it. Next time, say to yourself, "no material object is so important that it's worth my sanity and my kids self-esteem" - and let your husband search for it when he gets home! haha

What I hate most in the world are people who say that special children are only given to special people who can cope with them. Not true, so not true, so far from the truth that it doesn't even smell vaguely of the truth.........

Being a parent is the hardest job ever, no one in their right mind would let themself in for it, you can not ever get it right, no matter how hard you try, no matter how perfect you are, you'll do something wrong. Every child gets damaged by their parents. Thats the truth.

Needless to say losing your temper was wrong, especially as he didn't do it, but even if he had done it it would have been wrong. No doubt you will try not to do it again; no doubt you will do it again. Life is difficult. Keep trying.

Remember to have your husband give you some personal time when he gets home. The best stress reliever is strenuous physical exercise.
Running or similar exercises drains the mind of aggression and energizes you. Build up to running at least 45 minutes to 1 hr. You must be able to control your temper if you will ever be able to teach your children how to control theirs. Keep this as sacred...an apology only works once for the same type of offense. It there after becomes an excuse. You know when the anger builds to intolerable levels. Remove yourself from the situation momentarily and keep everything in perspective. Your child will face worse from his peers in the future. Let him know that he, at least, has a loving parent who he can always think fondly of and who he can go to as a refuge. You are his lifeline. Anger directed at him cuts that lifeline one strand at a time. There are an infinite number of ways to do something wrong...you are there to teach him how to do things right in the first place. Your child is innocent and completely dependent upon you. Work on being on the same team. Let him know, through your actions, that you will fight to the death to protect him.

Please read my blog on my son and the Positive Reinforcement used to change his world (ABA therapy used to great effect with my 2E child - he was initially diagnosed as full Autism).

http://2echild.blogspot.com/