Painful Sight

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After some time thinking that my son's middle school experience was going smoothly (expt the HW issues - organization issues - the disgraphia etc) I was struck with the realization that it's proabably not the case

He did the school musical. In my eye's, he stuck out like a sore thumb but I may be hyersensitive...

The problem was the kids going out for ice cream afterwards and watching him spend time with his "friends". It seemed clear that he was on the outside looking in and it was just so painful to watch.

I watched from my car in the parking lot and felt helpless. I wondered if he was having the same feelings as I was, of being helplessly "watching" from the outside. Maybe it's better that he doesn't recognize that these kids aren't his "friends", and are merely friendly.(for the most part). I wonder if he's aware of his place outside of the mainstream or if he even recognizes his fit...or unfit...with the group.

it was just so hard to watch....again. I was hopeful that he was socially fitting in more and last night was a painful answer that it's not the case.

NT children need to be taught about autism. One of the other staff members at the center where I work brought her friend's NT children to work (she was babysitting them). After a couple of days, the NT children learn to interact with the autistic children and adults. In fact, they seemed to grow a genuine bond witht he autistic children. I taught them (NT children) different things and they developed a respect for me as well. After this happened, the other staff member told the kids that I am autistic too. If more NT kids had this kind of interaction with autistic people, we would be accepted into their society.

I always felt like I was on the outside looking in while growing up. I didn't mind it at all. In fact, I much preferred it to being trapped on the inside of the social group, which is how I felt about how all the other kids interacted.

Your son may not have the same preferences as you do. If he seems happy with where he is, it's not a mistake to let him be happy.

Thanks so much for this reply - I have to remind myself that his happiness may not be the same as mine. I hate to see him treated poorly by those around him though. I'm not sure how much he recognizes when others are being asses. Unfortunately, he is very in tune when I am upset.

anyway - thanks so much for your words

If it helps, I was the same way in high school. I had a group of other kids who were friendly to me and allowed me to orbit around their group at school, but who never really invited me along to other things, or only rarely. I also had one or two real friends -- people I talked to in a more than superficial way -- who I also never saw outside of school, one because her very traditional SE Asian parents wouldn't allow her to give out her phone number or have friends visit and the other because she spent all of her time in her backyard aviary with her prize show-chickens. (She was really into the whole FFA thing.) The truth is, I never noticed that the others were just letting me orbit their group and being nice. It didn't bother me because, until my own daughter was a teenager, it never occured to me that I was supposed to want to go to parties or to the mall or hang out at other people's houses, or whatever. It still doesn't bother me, because they were nice to me and friendly, even if we weren't friends, per se. So, my advice is, if your son is happy, don't let your own angst mess things up for him. He may be perfectly unaware that he's "supposed" to want other things from these people. Don't project your own insecurities into his social situation.

One more echo that maybe he knows and really doesn't mind. I would say that describes my son: he is content being on the outer orbit and, in many ways, has put himself there. Many times I've encouraged him to work on more personal socialization with the many acquaintances, and he doesn't want to. All he cares about is that the few people he considers real friends are nice to him and willing to talk to him. The rest - he doesn't want anything from them but not to be teased.

There is an excellent essay by an autistic self-advocate and speaker Brian King, which has a wonderful example of the insane ways NTs 'socialize' and how ridiculous it is for us to think it's the 'right' way for Aspies to do it. Here's the essay: Strength to Connect

I agree with this. Sometimes things only become issues because others make it into an issue.

Your son might be happy just being in the company of others. I think it's great that he was included in the ice cream outing, when so many aspies at school are sadly just excluded altogether. I have an aspie friend who found exclusion the most painful thing about school. She was thrilled when people asked her out, even if she didn't do much chatting and they weren't really her friends, she was just glad to be noticed and not treated like she didn't exist. It's not always a bad thing to sit on the 'outside' and quietly observe. A lot can be learned when people quietly observe. Your son, while sitting and quietly observing, might have picked up some tips on how to make NT-style conversation. I hope he continues to have opportunities like this to spend time with other people, even if he's not interacting much.