Onlies

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My four yearold is an only. Both of us had siblings and I do feel a bit guilty as she does not have a brother or sister to confide in and play with when at home like we did growing up.

So do you believe that an only child is lonely more often? Is it easier to raise a spectrum child who has siblings? I don't know as I wrestle with this quite a bit

Well....raising maybe one on the spectrum is one thing but if you have another who is also it adds a bit more difficulty. Even two NT children can be difficult. My two younger kids are ok together because my daughter is typical/kanner autism and my son is Asperger's. Having two or three Aspies in the house can sometimes be difficult. I have AS and I have my son and an older daughter who is AS. My older daughter and I basically have the same complaints about each other. We are both stubborn, want the last word, bore each other with our special interests, (she is obsessed with a video game called World Of Warcraft and I have NO idea what the heck she is going on about ) and we also tend to talk over each other. I think if you had two siblings with AS around the same age and sex that might be difficult or easy depending on them. Just as if you had two Auties because they present with their own set of problems.....what if they are both runners? Or the opposite could happen and they would understand each other and get along great. I know my older daughters, one NT and one AS got along great as children and are now living together in an apartment. My NT daughter has learned to be very tolerant and understanding.
I think having more children is a very personal decision. My father was an only child and the only advise he gives to parents of only children is that you dont put too much pressure on them. Sometimes when you only have one you might have expectations of them because they are your only child that you might not have if you had more. Again, depends on the parents. I know my Dad had an imaginary friend but he is very NT and had lots of friends. If your child is ASD than you might consider social groups with children your child can more closely relate to.

I wasn't entirely an only child, but what is sometimes called a "pseudo-only." I was born more than ten years after my youngest sibling, so by the time I was old enough to play or confide in anyone, they were all out of the house. I did have a neice who lived with us for a number of years until I was eight years old and we played together, but, to be perfectly honest, I was actually happier on my own and didn't really notice much difference when my sister and neice moved out, except that no one told me that I had to play with her anymore. When I turned 13, I insisted on being given my sister's garage bedroom so I couldn't hear the sounds from the rest of the house.

My NT daughter was an only child, as well, but we've never really talked about whether or not she wanted a sibling. She did mention once that her friends had a lot of trouble and conflict with their siblings and she was as happy to avoid that as not.

I think there are pros and cons either way. I don't think it's any better or worse to be an only or to have sibs just different. Onlies get more attention from their parents and a greater share of the family resources. Sibs get lots of social practice and entertainment from their sibs. Mine are all in the spectrum so I'm not sure they are getting very good social skills from each other.

From what people tell me, I'd probably be more considerate and less arrogant if I'd had a sibling. But I didn't, and I rely on myself for everything. When NTs are upset about something, they tell someone. I just work it out on my own, and I've become very good at it. But it doesn't seem healthy, and I sometimes wonder how long I can keep it up.

i think a lot of it depends on the kid(s). i was the youngest of 8, but there were 5 yrs between me and the next up, and then another 5 to the next. so i didnt play with them too much and was an only child from 12 on. i dont remember being lonely, but i think thats because i didnt know any different, thats just how it was.

my first was an only for 7 1/2 years, and he was definitely lonely. he used to ask for a little brother or sister quite frequently. my youngest boys are 2 years apart by design. the first of those two, NT, was a surprise baby, the second, aspie, was planned. we wanted them to have a built in playmate in each other.

if you ask my aspie who his best friend is, he'll tell you its his brother. they do just about everything together when not in school. they share a bedroom and are practically joined at the hip. having his brother has helped my youngest a lot. the physical games they play help him develop physically, their interaction gives him lots of opportunity to practice language, and his brother is constantly pulling him into pretend play.

my NT is a real social butterfly, my aspie doesnt play with other kids. when we go places like mcd's or the park, my NT always finds a group of kids to play with, and lately my aspie will tag along with the group of them. he does so only to play with his brother, and he doesnt really initiate interaction with the other kids, but i think socially its helpful for him.

i am thankful every single day that they have each other, especially for my aspie. i think he would be lonelier without his brother, and probably not as high functioning.

I think I would be less concerned if I was more social. When dh and I first met I was more social eventhough I didn't understand why I had to work so hard at it. The type who cannot look others in the eye when speaking to them and feels a high level of anxiety during interaction.

After I realised I am the way I am I suppose I decided counsciously or un that socializing wasn't worth the effort. Oddly dh is more social then years ago which is good, but does cause some stress. He has a stressful job so he doesn't necessarily like to take her about which he feels is more something I should do as a stay at home. Just thought I should paint a more clear picture.

We would be older parents which is something else I consider. I think she would be a loving and helpful older sister and it is hard to say we are done considering all these factors. sigh

I think you have another child based on what you think is best for your family as a whole, and not because you worry about your current child missing something. I've known many happy and content only children, while some other people ... it doesn't matter what grass you plant, they will always wonder if it is greener on the other side.

If you have nieces and nephews nearby that your child is close to, that can fill any void wonderfully.

My son spends a lot of time wishing he didn't have his sister, but he does love her. I honestly cannot say if he is better off having her in his life or not; there are pros and cons to it. He begged for a sibling way back when, as many kids do, until he got one and learned what it really meant ... Lol, really, who knows? Maybe just let nature take it's course and decide for you

This is something that I have really struggled with. I don't feel guilty because my son is an only, because I have really tried to have another child. Since I didn't get married until my late 30's, I felt blessed to be able to have one child. However, my whole life, I have dreamed of having 2 or 3 kids, but I fear that my childbearing years have come to an end. We have even pursued adoption, but that doesn't seem to be in the cards either.

So, I really have had to come to terms with this. I try to look at the positives of having an only child. I would have never been able to give my AS son all of the attention that he has gotten if I had another little one. But, it does break my heart that he will not really know what it is like to have a sibling. Most of his cousins are much older, and we don't live near any of them. The good thing is my son seems perfectly content being an only child. Not sure if that will change or not since he is only almost 5.

I agree with DW, if you aren't totally opposed to having another child, maybe just let nature take it's course.

Good luck to you.

I agree, you have to think of the family as a whole. There's really no way to predict how having a sibling will turn out; I had a very bad relationship with my sister and tend to think that sibling relationships are overidealized. Though I'm quite familiar with the guilt you're feeling as well. In the end, it really comes down to whether you and your partner want to be parents to two children.