brothers fighting

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I've got three boys, 13, 11 and 9. They argue a lot, which I think is par for the course. They also defend each other and if one is sick will rally around him to take care of him.

The oldest two are Aspies and the little guy is a non-typical enigma, probably something spectrum related but nobody knows exactly what for sure. He was dx'd as PDD-NOS but no longer appears to meet the criteria, but he's definitely not NT. He is the most mature of the three.

Eldest son is having a hard time with puberty. He really wants friends but lacks the skills to maintain them. Last year he had a good friend but everybody treated their friendship as if the NT boy was taking my son on as a charity case, even the parents of this boy seemed to feel that way. The boys themselves were aware of this and tried to set people straight. The friend was terrific and valued my son's friendship and abilities as an equal, it was just everybody else who saw it differently.

This year my son is at a new school because his autism program, which includes social skills training, moved. He misses his friend and cries a lot about it. He's tried to make friends but he's done a lot of Bi-Polar cycling and that has pretty much scared off anybody who might have been interested. The other kids are kind to him, but that's not the same as a real friend.

He's been following his brothers around a lot and intruding on their play. They do play with him but sometimes want to play alone. They all like to build stuff with uberstix, kin'ks, lego's whatever. Eldest son is very compulsive about that and has a hard time letting other people build without making them doing it his way. So, when the building toys are pulled out, he's told to please go away. The rule in our house is that everybodies room is their sanctuary. If someone asks to be left alone in their room that is to be respected absolutely (though a parent may intervene if there is a medical situation). The kids all have their own rooms. Eldest son is having a very hard time respecting his brothers wishes to be left alone. I understand that he wants friends but he's doing a lot of stuff that pretty much makes that impossible. I'm not even going to attempt to get him into a camp program this year as his behavior is so unpredictable and the camps here are very expensive.

I'm running out of ideas for him. His need for social interaction is legitimate, but his brothers need to be left alone is too. I've offered to play with him myself or hang out with him but that's not what he wants.

What to do?

Try getting him an online game where he can socialize. I thoroughly enjoy MMORPGs, but your son might still be a bit immature for those. What I enjoyed at age 13 was multiplayer games like descent or starcraft. The more modern equivalents would be warcraft 3, starcraft 2, modern warfare, half life 2, etc. These are fun games, and the multiplayer aspect lets you play with people over the web.

He'll play them with his brothers but is uncomfortable playing them with strangers on the internet. Maybe it's something to try again when he's got a little more maturity under his belt. He doesn't really like the fantasy genre very much, unlike most of our family.

After I posted I thought more about it and realized that sometimes it's the other way around. The little guy sometimes does the same thing. He wants more social interaction than his Aspie brothers and will beg them to play board games with him. Middle son is more self contained and less apt to complain about being lonely. He will seek out my attention and is starting to seek out his step dad's attention, but doesn't harass his brothers for it.

There is a good amount of this push and pull in all families, because when A wants to play X is rarely exactly when B is in the mood to play X. Sometimes creating more of a schedule for shared play helps, but that can create it's own issues, for there will be times you cannot follow the schedule.

I think it is such a shame your son had to leave the school where he had a true friend. I'm not sure I would have made that choice. But, then, there are so many variables ...

What he needs is a friend. Or, at least, a sense that there are people around him who don't hate him. If he can gain that on-line, great. Otherwise, scheduling him into group activities that suit his interests might help; depends on how stressful being around others is for him. Also, if you have a game specialty store in your area, it might have scheduled activity nights that he could attend. We have one in our area that is very focused on role playing games, and there is some sort of activity there every night, running from painting workshops (games like Warhammer require the pieces get assembled and painted) to tournaments. It is something to look into, anyway.

Good luck.

We've got games going right here at the house. The food is better than over at the game store. He doesn't do that. He really wants to have friends but getting him to do the things it takes to have one, not so easy.

Are there any ways for him to keep in touch with his old friend at the other school?

I've tried to do that but the boys parents are resistant. He's a very gifted, very busy young man. He does a lot of volunteer work and is very involved in the boyscouts. He wins every award at school every year and is the best student in every subject as well as the nicest kid you'll ever meet. He PREFERRED the company of my son but nobody could understand that. Everybody thought my son was holding him back. He used to go to lunch in the autism room with my son instead of the cafeteria because he liked it better in there and didn't like the cussing and misbehavior in the regular room.

He's not allowed to have e-mail or facebook etc. Every time we ask if he can come visit or do something his parents say he has a boyscout thing or has to do this or that so he can go to a boyscout thing. Everybody treated their friendship like it was one of his charity cases.

He said that he likes my son because he's one of the few people who challenges him intellectually. When my son isn't cycling (bi-polar) he's extremely sweet, polite, and well mannered. He's also incredibly gifted at programming and robotics. He's a hard worker so he makes the most of the good brain he's got. When my son is cycling he's completely different but that didn't start till this year.

I think that this young man and my son will find each other again when they are older and grown ups can't keep them apart with their ridiculous assumptions. Just because my son stims and is socially awkward people think he's stupid and he's BRILLIANT. It's so unfair. They think my son will hold him back back when in fact my son challenges him to think deeper and teaches him things nobody else he knows can.

GRRR