Responses to Father's Day Survey

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Hello, Caitlin kindly asked for my thoughts on some Father's Day Survey questions, and she invited me to share my responses here:

What has been the most challenging part of your journey as a father to a high-needs child?
The most challenging part of my journey as a father has been coping with the changes I have had to go through within myself and the adjustments I have had to make to my expectations, lifestyle, and career. I have had to learn over and over again that I have very little control over the people in my life, but I do have control over myself. I have learned to be more patient, more understanding, more empathetic, less angry, and I continue to learn how to better control my anger and tone of voice. I have gone through many changes as a father, and sometimes these changes have been very painful and difficult. But in the end, I am a better person because of the children in my life. I feel as if my children have taught me more about how to be a father, rather than me teaching them about being children or anything else for that matter.

I’ve been reading a lot of posts on discussion boards lately, from moms who feel their husbands don’t understand or connect with their high-needs children. As a father who obviously makes your relationship with your child a priority, do you have any advice for moms who are feeling frustrated by their husband’s relationship with their kids?
I think the key relationship is between the father and the mother, especially and even more so with special needs children than with NT children. If the mother and father are not together on absolutely everything having to do with parenting, then one parent or the other will end up doing most of the work and eventually getting burned out and the other parent will become progressively more alienated. Therefore, my advice to moms who are feeling frustrated by their husband’s relationship with their kids is to do everything within your power to strengthen your own relationship with your husband, up to and including couples counseling if necessary. Spend time growing, nurturing, and strengthening your relationship with your husband. Get to know him as a person, and give him a chance to vent and express his feelings without being judgmental. Be a good listener to your husband, don’t try to solve his problems, but rather, try to understand him. Make sure to make alone time for yourselves, even if you have to schedule a date night. But do it regularly.

If there was one thing you could share with other dads who may be struggling with their role as the parent of a high-needs child, what would that be?
Patience, patience, patience. Do not put your children under pressure.

I have come to realize that I often don’t recognize the ways that my husband connects with our boys throughout the day, because his ways are so different than my own. How do you connect with your child?
I’m a get-down-on-the-floor dad. Whatever my children are into, I take a genuine interest in it, get down on the floor with them, and let them share it with me. I went through periods when I was into Barney, Yu-Gi-Oh, Pokemon, etc. but fortunately my children are older now and into cool stuff like star wars, jazz music, and karate. At the same time, I make sure to share my interests with my kids: I always involve them when I am fixing bicycles, collecting rocks and minerals, hiking, gazing at stars, recording music in my studio, etc. I guess the most important thing is making sure to spend quality time with your children, and the connecting will come automatically. Watching TV does not count as quality time.

In my own situation, our son’s diagnosis led us to a pretty drastic divergence from our initial life plan. When I reflect on this divergence, I feel like I have learned things about myself that I never would have otherwise, and as challenging as this new path can be, it is also remarkably rewarding. What have you learned about yourself through your experience as a father to a high needs child?
I have learned that my capacity for patience is finite but my capacity to love is limitless. I have learned that it is a sign of strength to ask for help. I have learned not to give a damn about what other people think. I have learned to be even more tolerant of other people’s differences than I already thought I was. I have learned that even the smallest people can have the greatest courage. I have learned that children are far more intelligent than most adults give them credit for, and that there are some very unintelligent adults out there in comparison to children. I have learned that it is ok for a grown man to cry.

How has having a high-needs child affected your relationship with your spouse, or with others?
Having a special-needs child put a tremendous amount of pressure on my relationship with my former spouse.

What is your greatest hope for your child?
Independence and happiness are my two greatest hopes for my children.

That is beautiful, Denvredave. Thanks for sharing. My husband has been understanding and supportive in some ways, but sometimes, I feel that he is not as in tune with our son's needs as I am. He is getting better though, and I thank God for that. There are times when I feel the pressure in our marriage, and I have to remind myself to work on our relationship too. So thanks for sharing.

Hi Dave You know the interesting thing I've noticed about interviews on blogs, even the most popular blogs, is that they often do not garner many comments compared to the other posts. But they DO cause people to do a lot of thinking. You'll often find that with personal interviews people take your words and live with them for a while. They can often have real meaning for people. But the personal nature of an interview - as you said - bearing your soul - also means many people will clam up in terms of comments. They don't want to open themselves up by putting their thoughts/ideas out there, but they are still open to listening/reading and learning from YOUR thoughts/ideas. It can be frustrating when you don't get a lot of comments, but try to remember that many people read it and learn from it, but just don't share part of themselves in return.

I also once had a great piece of advice from a blogging friend, who told me that views/comments on my posts on a certain board would be higher if I gave more evocative titles to my posts. I tended toward the creative/poetic titles which often alluded to or were inspired by the topic - but weren't necessarily descriptive of the topic, so many people wouldn't look at my posts because the titles didn't trigger a connection for them. I'll be posting a link to the father's day interview series next week and I'll try to rustle up an 'exciting' title.

Caitlin, wow! Thanks