No idea how to be an effective parent

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HI all,

This is my first post here. I am father to a 13 year old boy with high functioning ASD. Our problem is with violent outbursts and aggression. My boy has no clue how to act in social situtions. He usually tries to be funny and in doing so, ends up looking more unusual than he is already. When something inevitably upsets him, he tends to get angry and threatens violence. He also usually directs his aggression toward one person. In the latest outburst, he directed his anger toward his 11 year old cousin (where he is visiting for another week).

I would appreciate any suggestions on how to handle these situatons. We are constantly being told to punish him, but this usually only makes it worse. How can I help him to avoid this kind of behavior?

Thanks.

13 is a tough age, and an age where social abilities become very important. It's frustrating to want to hang out with other kids and not know how. Hormones are surging and that probably has a lot to do with the increased aggression. He's got to learn how to control that, just like any other boy his age. AS isn't a free pass for bad behavior.

Social skills classes can be very helpful. Your son might be frustrated by his inability to fit in with other kids. There isn't anything wrong with not fitting in, but if a person wants friends they are going to need to learn how to do it to some degree. I spend a lot of time thinking about social encounters and trying to explain them to my kids. My eldest (also 13 and an Aspie) has done pretty well in a lot of ways. His social perception isn't very good but he's learned to look for certain tell tale signs and to ask appropriate questions. For instance, if he can't tell if I'm mad or joking he'll ask and I'll explain. He's learning to do that with other people as well. My 11yo (also an Aspie) is starting to want friends but isn't willing to work on his social skills, at least he's learning what his options are.

If you bring up specific situations and questions you can get answers here not only from other parents who have children in the spectrum but from adults and teens who are in the spectrum themselves. I've learned a great deal here, especially from the adults and teens with AS who explain what it's like for them.

I've found it really helpful to ask my son how he feels about upcoming situations. Sometimes he can handle them, sometimes he is really worried. Step one for us has been to either avoid or carefully prepare for all potentially difficult situations.

Next is to make sure he has a process for identifying and reducing his own build up. While we, as parents, can do a lot by watching our kids for signs of stress, they do have to learn to do this for themselves, as well. My son knows to leave a situation if he feels he cannot handle it, and knows that I consider him responsible for identifying those feelings and acting on them. Regardless of how you may feel personally about it when someone walks away from you, or how kids your son's age will feel, it is far better than getting violent. A simple statement like, "I need to leave right now and will explain later" should be within their abilities. As a parent, you teach kids like the cousin to respect that without question, and you teach their parents to respect it without question. My son's IEP at school includes an escape clause, where he can leave a classroom at any time, no questions asked, and real life needs something similar. You teach your child to recognize the build up in themselves, and then walk away before it gets to be too much. You teach the people in your child's life to NOT force him to stay in social situations that he feels he needs to leave. There is a point of no return for an AS child after which they CAN NOT CONTROL THEIR BEHAVIOR. The goal, then, is give the child a process for NEVER GETTING TO THAT POINT.

Well, if you are new to the idea of Asperger's Syndrome, and looking to gain more insight then I would recommend my book. You can read about it in this thread here:

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt128944.html

It has been getting good reviews thus far. Its a free book, and if you don't like it, then it comes with a money back guarantee.

Punishment doesn't work, period.

My son just turned 10. We are still in the process of figuring out what is going on with him. He has been diagnsed with 'Mood Disoder NOS'. We were referred to have him evaluated for many things, ASD included.

My son's 'rages' (that's what they are) are 90% of the time caused by sensory related stuff - shoes don't feel right, glasses are dirty, glasses don't feel right, shorts feel 'flaky', etc...It got really really bad.

My son was having about 3 rages a week. They would last 3-5 hours each time. Plus all his sensory related irritation in between rages. And his mood, which is basically caused by him not having access to his 'obsessions' at certain times of the day, such as in before school care.

The rages became more and more violent towards himself and me. Hitting himself, throwing big stuff at me, 2 weeks ago he even tried to grab a knife. My son holds it together around others most of the time.

He says he wants to kill himself. It is out of frustration because he is just so uncomfortable w/ the sensory stuff and doesn't get enjoyment out of things, can't relate to others on any significant level. He says he just can't live like this.

We don't have our evaluation until the end of July for a proper diagnosis. IDK if it will be Aspergers or related disorder, but that is my best guess.

It was the psychiatrist, nurse, and social worker at the ER, where I had taken him during a very violent rage, that suggested he has ASD. I had never even thought of that, never knew anything about it really.

Anyway, in order to control the violent rages, I had no choice but to put him on medication. We went to see a psychiatrist and she gave him Abilify. He is on 2 mg. I only made this decision because I have to wait for proper assistance/diagnosis/therapy and I don't know if we will make it that long. He seems to get more violent every week.

2mg of Abilify is the dose recommended for irritability caused by Autism. My son is not a zombie on it. His moods are more normal. It has only been about 2 weeks so far. We have not had one single rage in 2 weeks, and we've only had 2 meltdowns. In the past year, we have never gone more than maybe 2 days without a major rage. In the past 2 years we have never gone more than a day without a significant meltdown.

The medication is helping to reduce his reactions to the sensory related issues. He still feels the same, things still don't feel right, but his reaction to it is less now.

In addition, mood or other disorders often coincide with ASD.

No one wants to medicate their kids. I sure as H never thought I would. But when it got to the point where no one in the house is safe, I had no choice. He may not be on it forever - hopefully when he gets proper therapy and treatment, he will learn coping skills. I also know without the coping skills there is no way therapy will be effective - he was in a constant state of repressing his anger all day, then coming home and letting it all out. He couldn't think straight and was completely inflexible.

Everyone has given you some good advice. What I would say would be to

#1, when he is calm talk to him about the rages. Let him know that you understand that he feels out of control and try to brainstorm with him ideas on how he can better deal with the overwhelming feelings. This can be called Collaborative Problem Solving. You can ask him what he thinks would make things better. Then come up with a plan. There is a helpful book on this called "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene.

#2, allow him less time in situations that most people see as typical (around cousins and peers) but that really provoke anxiety and confusion within him. Short periods of being around others at first and then work up to longer periods when he has coping mechanisms in place and he can deal with his feelings appropriately.

#3, shield him from situations that are chaotic like loud places, kids rough housing, lots of lights, or fast movement. These can be triggers.

#4, engage him more in his areas of interest so that he can build self esteem and feel good about something. When he feels happy about something let him disappear within it so that by feeling good much of the time those feelings will help offset negative ones he may have when overloaded.

#5, perhaps get him into martial arts or something that will help him productively express his rage

He probably dislikes the rages more than you and the worst thing you can do is pile on top of his negative feelings shame by discipline. It is not lack of motivation to act well that is his problem. The problem is he doesn't have the tools to cope with what most other kids his age take in stride every moment of their day. All that stress builds up and boils over. It will only become worse unless he has someone to support him and guide him and help him build his self esteem.

Thanks for all the advice. I appreciate the input. We know we have a lot of work to do, but these are all very good suggestions.

I think our biggest issue is helping him recognize when these behaviors are likely to happen. Once he gets upset, the only thing I have found helpful is talking to him about things he likes. Afterward, he usually feels bad about himself.

His favorite thing these days is Yu-Gi-Oh. We have been taking him to weekly tournaments to help his confidence and social interaction with other kids with the same interest. I have tried to learn how to play as well (it's a really complicated game).

Right now, he is over in London with his mother, sister and cousins and I was not able to help him to avoid the latest situation. The family comes home this weekend and we will continue to work on these things.

Thanks again.

I just wanted to say that taking the time to learn about your son's interest in an in-depth way so you can share it with him and let him know he is important and valued, is possibly one of the most important things you can do. Good Dad Award of the Day!! !

This made me smile! Trust me, you're being an effective parent. A lot of parents don't get this far!



We are in the same place. The cognitive therapy/coping skills weren't even being discussed as every time we went to the therapist to even talk about a meltdown and how to recognize that one might be coming, our daughter would start to escalate again. It's so frustrating when you know that they can't help their behavior, you can see that it's scary for them to have the behavior and that they want it to end and not be able to help. Thankfully, I think we are beginning to get the right combination of meds so that she's able to stay calm enough to listen to suggestions to go to her safe place before it turns into a rage.