So tired of being the bad guy to my son.

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My son goes to social skills group and then all the kids go to karate on Sat. mornings. We have to leave at 9:30 to get it all done. My husband is taking the older two boys only today as my girls have a party to go to later. They like to play Nintendo DS in the car. NT son finds his and is in the car. My Aspie son has no idea were he left his from yesterday. We calmly remind him of our time constraints and try to remind him of places it might be. He is getting a bit worried about not having it today even though he hasn't had it other times when his brother has and is fine about it and they share in the car. He insists we know where it is and that he left it on the kitchen table. We really have no idea as we told him to put it away last night and he took it upstairs, so we thought it was either in the game room or his room. I have him do several calming exercises and try to get him to recall the last time he had it. He still is convinced I am the bad guy and moved it off the kitchen table. We are now sitting at 9:45 and are going to be very late. I calmly ask him what will happen if he doesn't have it. He just says he will be bored in the car. So I calmly give him a choice. I ask him if he wants to go with his brother and miss karate today to stay and look for it or go without it. He runs outside to the car. Once outside though he starts to cry saying we don't want him to have it. I again tell him his Dad needs out pull out the car and he can either get into the car and go with them and we will find it when he returns or stay and miss karate today. He gets into the car, but is crying. My husband just called from the drive. My son is screaming uncontrollably in the back now and has hit my husband while he is driving and he doesn't know if he should just turn the car back. I realize we could have had a massive search and just been as late as it took, but we still have to balance the needs of our other kids too and it isn't right to make them late or miss all their activities. When he started crying in the drive, I thought about telling him to say home with me today, but no matter how nice I said it, he would have thrown a fit because I was being mean and making him stay, so I tried to let him make the choice, hoping he would calm down more by being in control. He doesn't have fits regularly and we stayed up late on Thursday night going to see The Karate Kid sneak preview and he hasn't caught up on his sleep, but this stuff is so hard.

To make me feel even worse. We just did a full eval with the school. You know all those tests with the teacher filling it out and the parents. This one also had 2 tests that they had my son fill out about himself too. Not IQ and academic tests, but tests that asks how he feels about certain things. The score for his attitude about his parents scored in the "At Risk" category. His teacher, who is actually nice, but he complains about to us all the time even scored higher. I realize that stuff is subjective and he is only 8 and who knows what the exact questions were, but I get so tired of being the bad guy. I am not perfect, we have made mistakes and I do get overwhelmed with all of them and yell, but we are really decent parents. We let him do all kinds of activities, even if we aren't sure it is in his best interest because he wants to do everything his twin does. My husband takes one kid out every Sat. for a one on one breakfast. We have family game or movie night every Friday night. We have poured everything we have into all our kids and our Aspie son has gotten the major bulk of our attention. And yet, he never seems to think we are good to him. No, we can't give him his way all the time and yes, we do hold him accountable if he makes poor choices. I feel like I have a constant teenager in the phase of not liking his parents. I don't even have the hope that one day he will be ale to look and understand why we did the things we did and appreciate us. From stuff I have read on here from adult Aspies, I feel like I may always be viewed as the bad guy.

Wow. You are so impressive. I wish I had been as good as you at raising kids. I don't blame you for being tired of being the bad guy. No solution here other than to commiserate.
Have you talked to him about the binds he is putting you into? I don't know how many years you might need to talk to him about how he is treating you as the bad guy and being unfair to you (if you can say that calmly) but he might eventually be able to see past his own urgent needs if you keep up the dialogue. I like how you are giving him choices even though it seems to backfire because all he can think about is how he wants the choice of having the game in his hand, not the choice of his searching or going. I think eventually you will get through to him.

First of all there is nothing wrong with making him responsible for his own things. My 7 year old Aspie does this too but we just explain to him that we did not take his "whatever hes looking for" and that he was the only one playing with it. It took awhile but he does not get angry with us. He may get angry but he does not so much direct this at us. Also, I dont know how old your son is and I do know that you have your hands full but, hitting is not acceptable. My son has started kicking my seat in the car recently and I will pull over and explain to him that if he does things like that its possible that I could have an accident and we could all be hurt. Sometimes it takes us Aspies longer to learn things....we are a bit stubborn, to say the least.
Also, on the flip side, you should make sure he is getting enough down time. I have to teach my Aspies that they need to slow down and maybe take some time alone. My Autie (who is five) just knows when she needs to decompress and if we ignore her signs then we end up with a meltdown. I have a lot of sensory equipment in my house and we also have learned to respect each others space.

From my Aspie point of view I am very well aware of the turmoil and anxiety one goes through when you are running late and conditions are not right. Like if I had leave the house and I couldnt find my phone, Id be in panic mode. In the instance that you describe and knowing what I know, I would have kept your son at home. In the long run it would have been better on everyone. We need things to be where they are supposed to be and if he is used to his game in the car this is his comfort. When that is gone then he feels out of control and stressed. I still have meltdowns too and sometimes I seem to be angry or directing my anger at my husband but its just expelling my anxiety. I do always apologize after.
You son may have still had a meltdown if you would have kept him home but at least he wouldnt have been hitting your husband while he was driving and the danger factor would have been removed.

Indeed, you are doing an excellent job at raising your kids than many parents these days. There is an excellent book that may be helpful to you in managing the challenging situations you face now and no doubt, will continue to encounter as your child grows older.

The title of the book is, "Managing Family Meltdown" by Linda Woodcock and Andrea Page.

Best of luck to you!

Please know that he will not get away with hitting my husband. He will lose privileges, but we have found that if we do it while he is already upset, it will just escalate. While he grumbles and growls a lot and says we are unfair, (blah, blah, blah), he has few crying, unreasonable meltdowns. This turned out to be one of them. Usually, his meltdowns are short lived and he is always very remourseful afterward and accepting of his consequences. He has never hit us before. My husband is not happy.

He doesn't always have his DS with him when we go. His twin likes to take his DS to entertain himself while he waits for his brother in social skills class. I run a pretty organized home and have home spots for everything, but it is their responsibility to get it there. He is always losing stuff. Maybe I sound mean, but almost never go search for stuff. While not aggressive, he has been acting overly silly and off since we stayed up the other night. I think it just came to a head this morning. I saw I coming thougth and tried to remain calm and use to some activities to calm him. I wish it would have worked. Yes, I should have played the Mom card and made him stay. If he hadn't seemed to need that social skills class so much today, I probably would have let him have his meltdown toward me at home instead of with his father.

I have tried to talk to my son about making choices that will be in his best interest. Such as team sports. It sends him into sensory overload. We let him try a few here and there, but he never really ends up playing as he is so distracted. His situation is so hard because he has a NT twin brother who happens to be one of those kids that is pretty good at everything. His twin has always been the kid that acts much older than his years and very mature. I have always worried about him comparing himself to his twin. Even if he wasn't an Aspie, I have wanted my kids to feel like they could go their own way and find their own passions, but whenever I talk to him, all I hear is that he doesn't want his brother to learn something and him not know it too. His being a twin is both a blessing and a curse. I think one of the reasons he has always done so well, is because he has had his NT brother modeling things for him, but then it also drives a certain competiveness within him too.

Thanks for the replies. I think I was already sensitive from the report I got on Friday. This was not what I needed right now. I spoke with my hisband. My son calmed down and walked into his social skills class only sniffling. I think my husband isn't going to allow him to try karate today, but it may annoy him again as he will have to wait for his brother.

I understand about having an NT sibling. I have three, now adult, children. My two girls are very close in age. My older daughter is NT and my younger is Aspie. Its been hard on my Aspie daughter her whole life and she has always wanted to be like her sister. The good thing is that they actually became very close....not to say they didnt and dont fight...but now they live together and my NT daughter helps my Aspie out.
I think all Aspies want to be like their siblings or the other kids in school so that is always a hard thing for any of us. Most of us find our own way and our own strengths. I think its important for us to point out our Aspies skills and strengths and even sometimes discourage them trying to do or be like everyone else....even if its your brother or sister. I can imagine this is even more difficult with twins.
Sorry I misunderstood about the games in the car, from your first post it seemed to imply that this is what they typically did.
I also didnt mean that you should have punished your son by keeping him home, it was mainly to protect him from his own anxiety and stress. Like I said I didnt know that having the game in the car was not routine.
Anyway, just trying to let you see it from both sides. Im a Mom and an Aspie so I know the frustration and desire to get your kids to their therapy and activities when there are road blocks and I also know what it feels like to be overwhelmed and out of control. Just so you know, I hit my Mom a few times when I was little too....I was just saying that it should be stressed that its not acceptable. Its hard for a person with Autism to express emotion and feelings and a lot comes out as anger (especially when you are young) and it tends to be very passionate.

It seems as though the problem you were dealing with was probably just accumulated stress.

The problem is that stress can accumulate and grow over time, and when it finally reaches the tipping point, you have the meltdown. I don't know what caused him to get stressed out, but it is probably a combination of things. Perhaps he was tired from staying up late, and that affected him. Perhaps it was a tough week at school. Perhaps he is worried about something. It is probably more then just one thing. And the problem is that overtime all this stress builds up until this morning he wakes up too stressed out, overwhelmed, and 90% of the way to a meltdown.

At that point, he is just a meltdown looking for a trigger. As you said, he was on edge all morning, so it wouldn't have taken much. If you had kept him home he would have had a meltdown from the change in routine. Had you sent him without his DS then you have a meltdown. And even if you had found his DS and sent him on his way, he probably would have had a meltdown about something else. It is very hard to avoid meltdowns at that point.

The best thing would have been for him to realize he was overwhelmed, and decided to stay home himself. But, at such a young age, and wanting to be with his brother, he probably doesn't have enough maturity to make the right call, so you wind up in a no win situations. Don't blame yourself for this, your child just hasn't learned their own boundaries yet, so he is pushing himself past what he can handle and causing problems. You didn't do anything wrong.

Just try to figure out what has been stressing him out and see if you can do anything about it. And you also need to let your son know that he needs to recognized when he is getting to stressed out so he can take a break. It is better to stay at home and avoid the meltdown.

I don't know if my thoughts are right on this, but what jumped out at me as I read your posts is that the core mistake is trying to have him do what the twin does. I know he wants to, but kids don't always want what is best for them. First of all, most AS kids need more down time than NT kids, so he is probably way over-scheduled. Second is the sensory aspect, as you've already noted. Third is the fact that he will never "be" his twin, and this constant comparison where he gets to see himself falling short is probably creating a lot of stress inside him that he may not have identified.

He is going to need to forge his own identity, follow his own interests, and develop his own talents. The sooner he figures that out and tries to put himself on his own road, I think the happier he will be. If you can, schedule some alone time with him to try out some things the twin does know how to do, and to talk about how they may be twins, but they are each unique, and how he needs to follow his own talents instead of his brothers. Find out what he would pick if his twin quit every last activity tomorrow and had no idea what to sign up for next. It just really sounds like the stress is in trying to be like the brother, and have what he has. It is unworkable. And, it is taking away the time he could be doing things that really bring him joy. Maybe he is the music kid, or the computer programmer ... how will he know if he is always doing what his brother does? Sell these different activities as things he will get to learn but his brother won't; things that will be special and unique to him, and "better" than those other activities. If you can, get the twin on board to sell up the other activities, too.

PS - I think he may be blaming you and the teacher because he doesn't know who else to blame. All he knows is how he feels; he is too young to really understand the source of those feelings, and the AS impairs proper identification as well. Try not to take it personally and keep on with the detective work. The low marks tell you he isn't happy, not that it really is your fault.

Oh, I so hear you. From my own experience, I tend to agree that things get like this because of stress. My son has always been naturally cheerful, but being overstressed turns him into the surliest monster 8-year-old-teenager you ever saw.

I really hear your frustration, because when you're giving *so* much of yourself and getting nothing but snarls and anger back, well, it sucks.

Thanks for the help. They made it home in one piece. He has had a good afternoon. Guess where he found that stupid DS? Inside his pirate ship! I had them put away all the stuff they had brought downstairs last night and I bet he put it inside to carry it all up and forgot about it. I would have never though to look there in a million years. He still wanted to try and tell us it was our fault because we wouldn't go look for it, but he knew that wasn't going to fly. I realize we are an easy, safe outlet for him and I would rather him do this at home than at school, but it sure does stink sometimes.

I really do appreciate all your advice.

I don't view my mother as "the bad guy". I know everything she did, she was doing her best to act in my best interest.

Your son needs to learn how to take responsibility for his actions. I don't mean as in he needs to be punished when he does something bad (but he should, as should all children). What I mean is, when he messes up or loses something, he has to admit to it and learn how to cope with the anger he has towards himself about it, rather than blame and direct his anger at you or your husband.

You should speak with a child psychologist about teaching him to do this.

Anyway, about the Saturday morning activities. Activities are supposed to be fun, not stressful. If you are late for an extracurricular activity, it shouldn't be something to stress about. If you are late for karate, so what? The instructor still gets paid. The kid might be a bit upset but they won't be, or they shouldn't be obsessing about it the next day. No one gets fired for it. It is an issue that quickly disappears into the past with no consequences.

One of the major problems with western society is people try to hard at trying to make things the way they think they should be in their mind. "I should own a house. I should own a boat. I should own a gas grill and host BBQ's with the neighbors and this needs to go down in some perfect way. The kids should be in gymnastics or karate and they must be successful at it. They must never miss practice. They must never be late. They must compete in all of the tournaments. They must get good grades, and we all must look happy. Or at the very least, we must appear happy and successful to others."

There are multiple keys to happiness. The ones your family needs to focus on is...

Being able to forgive yourself: You must forgive yourself for not being perfect. Your son must forgive himself for not being perfect as well.

Knowing your goals and priorities: Is your goal you and your family being happy, or is your goal getting to your kids to karate on time? And if the latter, why?