Parties

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I should start with hello - since this is my first real post. My daughter is going to turn 13 at the end of June and things are getting quite difficult. I would love to ask the million questions in my mind - but I will start with just one.

My daughter loves to plan a party - loves the thought of the party - is excited to leave the house to go to the party (ok so I guess you get that point), but then she HATES being at the party. The chaos and multitudes of people (some she knows and some she does not) seems to really upset her. In the beginning of May we went to my graduation party (college) and she did fine because she kinda took off with one friend. Later that weekend we went to a little girls b-day (she was turning 6 which is my sons age) and she was miserable. I thought she was bored at first. People attempted to speak to her, but of course if she has nothing to say she will not make small talk. There was maybe 20 people there. She excused herself to the bathroom and I realized it was taking tooo long. I went to check on her and she was in a corner crying. I guess the question is: "How do I help her cope with meltdowns when we gather for public events?" She really wants to attend, but never really seems to enjoy it.

I always seem to do better in a 1 on 1 setting, parties are nice and fine as long as I have my social guide there heh(I usually have one really good friend who helps me cope with the world/helps the world cope with me) and they can interact with everyone while I sit by them and listen and interject as needed, but the focus is not on me so I dont get as awkward. It pretty much makes it so that I dont have to talk to anyone, I just get to listen and say the funny jokes in my head. Where my buddies do the actual interaction.

Ps Love the quistis avatar.

I wish she had that "one friend" but she has not really gotten there yet. I always say all she needs is one great friend who loves her unconditionally. I was a ff freak in my early twenties and still like the game - hence the avatar lol. But yes, like you said the day when she did have that one girl she did OK I never really though of it the way you just explained it. This is a girl I am trying to bring her around more often. This girl is 9 though and she is 13. She just seems to do better with children that are around 9ish. She is not immature - she is just unconcerned with the insignificant things that are soooo important to girls her age. She likes animals always and now she has been into Percy Jackson - so she equates every life experience with PJ. This doesn't go over well socially. She also freaks with sports so that was a BAD avenue I attempted to push her down for socialization. Most of my hs friends came from cheerleeding so I thought sports were a magic wand.

You could try altering the party set up. If 30 person parties dont work out, then try making smaller parties with only a few friends.

Some ideas,

1) Work on a plan before you go. "If things are too much then child will ..."
2) Work out code words or signals so she can let you know how she feels privatly in public.
3) Try to arrange for her to play with a small group of kids. Maybe get 3 or so girls she knows involved in a crafts activity.
4) See if you can figure out before hand which of her friends or acquiantances will be going and work out a plan with the other moms. Meltdowns are not uncommon, so they may be very glad to work with you.

Good luck

I like that plan. I am so not structured and I know that is one issue that I need to work on because she lives for schedules. I am too spontaneous for her. Thank you for the party plan idea!

Way back when some of our moms with AS were talking about school functions, and the stress of them, one mentioned how she learned to go with a camera in hand. How the job of being the photographer helped her deal with it all, and gave her a defined way to interact. As I read your post, I thought about discussion, and how doing something similar might help your daughter.

My son is similar, in being very drawn to social situations, but having trouble with the actual situation. Defining a role beforehand definitely helps him. Whether it be the map guy at a theme park, the photographer at a parade, or the equipment guy on a camp out, it is the knowing what his place is that seems to make a big difference. Wandering around and trying to figure out how to enjoy themselves is really really difficult for our kids. But walking in with a job to do - that works.

I like that plan. I am so not structured and I know that is one issue that I need to work on because she lives for schedules. I am too spontaneous for her. Thank you for the party plan idea!

When I find a wedding reception or something like that is overloading me with people I don't know and loud music I go outside for a bit to recover and comeback when I'm feeling better. Maybe something similar would work for her and parties.

I think she needs to really understand what bothers her. She thinks she was on the bathroom floor in a ball crying because she was bored. I will talk to her about stepping outside that may help. I bought her "Freaks, Geeks and Aspergers syndrome" and she loved that book I think she is beginning to try out some of what that boy said. Luke Jackson wrote it and he is a 13 yr old boy with Aspergers. - kinda neat.

Really? That is helpful. She blames a lot of her meltdowns on boredom. She also DOES not react kindly to losing a privilege she really wanted i.e. a show, video game time, pool time

The close friends will come when she has one on one settings with an open minded person, I pretty much not let a person know who I am when there are a bunch of people that are not just part of the scenery. I just have to put up so many "guards" (I put it this way because they are not the typical guards that people have to defend themselves against others they are guards on my noise senses/ my very short fuse) and with that many guards up I don't get to express myself at all since it is holding back a tantrum or worse.

The fact that she was balled up crying on the floor and said she was bored could mean it was not a sensory overload, it could have meant that she was so excited to go to the party and then at the party she was alone in a sea of people. My biggest source of depression was seeing everyone enjoying themselves at a social gathering and not understanding why I wasn't getting that same joy. Heh its when I see this that I sometimes wish I had LFA or was NT, seeing all my friends that look up to me in certain aspects growing as human beings while I seemed to just miss out on every type of relationship or they were invited somewhere by people we both knew and I wasn't/ being the eternal third wheel. It was not so much each individual time, but when it becomes a recurring theme and you don't know why it creates a lot of sadness.