I suspect a child I watch has a form of Autism...

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I suspect a child I watch has a form of Autism or even possibly AS. He doesn't make eye contact, very particular about textures especially with food. If he's over stimulated (or with big groups of people) he gets very aggressive, very emotional or REALLY hyper. He's very sensitive and slightly immature. He is obsessed with dinosaurs and can tell you anything you want to know about them in great detail. He knows them all by name, sight, characteristic EVERYTHING. The vocabulary he uses to describe anything about them makes him sound like an expert. He cries if he gets wet or dirty in any way. He's not very coordinated, for example he cannot open a car door, unbuckle his seat belt, put on socks, button a shirt, etc. He just learned a few months ago how to dress him self, but he still struggles (a lot) with it. Granted he is only 4 and kids all develop at their own pace, but these are all things most kids learn to do by age 2 or 3. I've had him for almost 1 1/2 year and he is a real sweat heart, but I'm very certain there is something wrong.

Here's my problem. I watch my ex-husbands son. We have a daughter together and are both re-married. His son and my daughter are only a few months apart and are friends. How do I approach the conversation with them about this? I don't want to cause a fight and I don't want them to think I'm making an issue out of nothing. I genuinely feel there is a problem. I love this little guy like my own and I want him to have every advantage. thank you for your input.

Does the child attend any kind of pre-school program? If he does, and if the teachers note any issues, whether with other children, or fine motor coordination (or anything else), it would be MUCH better if it came from them than if it came from you. It is usually easier to approach things from something less charged, like fine motor, than something like behavior. Parents get protective and defensive (understandably).

If there's no one else who can raise the issue, I would approach this very carefully. If your ex hasn't noticed anything "different" about his son, he probably doesn't want to hear it, especially from you? It would probably be best to let him see it himself, "accidentally," if you can. If you have to raise the issue, focus on very concrete issues, like the fine motor skills. Those will be a real problem in school - he will have to be able to deal with his own clothes for toileting; he will have to be able to open his own lunch items; he needs to be able to start cutting and writing (handling writing implements) appropriately. Starting there, and letting the professionals take over, is probably much safer for both your relationship, and the likelihood of him following through with the necessary evaluations.

There are real differences between boys and girls, too, at this age, so it's hard to know if what you've noticed means anything. The main thing I can tell you is that people don't seem to appreciate hearing the speculation from anyone other than an acknowledged expert unless there is some other trigger or concern. If his language skills are fine, the meltdowns are not out of hand, and he hasn't resorted to aggression, then you don't really have a touch point for bringing the subject up. And, personal opinion, there is no real need to. If he is interacting and learning, then early intervention isn't a key element. Allow him to just be "him" for a little longer with no labels attached.

If they are already dealing with people telling them something is wrong, or they are bad parents, and who knows what all (like may of us did when our little ones were that age), then you have a natural opening to suggest they look into ASD's.

The situation may all change rapidly when the child enters school, however, and that is when your watchful eye may actually be helpful. AS children can have a lot of trouble with the overstimulating sensory environment and the in-predictability (to them) of the other children. With my son, the trouble showed up fast with writing, as he basically refused to do it, and the inexperienced K teacher he had wanted to tag it up to laziness or stubbornness (a common issue for AS kids, who are often very obviously bright, but unable to produce work consistent with the perceived intelligence). As the year went along, the growing gap between perceived ability and the actual ability to perform in school was really bothering me, and I was actually relieved when the first grade teacher out of the box wanted my son tested. These sorts of conflicts will be your opening, if you still have concerns, for then there will be tangible goal of issue resolution.