Tell your children!

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I'm sure there have been countless threads in regard to this, but I feel that this issue must be hammered in.

Please, don't keep secrets from your children about their minds. That is betrayal. When I was much younger, my mother sat me down the day after my diagnosis and explained to me why I had no friends and couldn't stand the texture of bananas (among other things). This, for me, saved my life. I felt like a failure before, like I was some kind of monster. I was suicidally depressed. Finding out why no one liked me and why I was so strange was like a godsend, and I implore you to tell your children as soon as you can that they have Asperger's or whatever they have, it is truly the right thing to do.

I agree. I would have loved to have been told about my HFA/AS at the age of 8 or 9, instead of being chastised for things that I could not help. I've felt like a defective, until my mum finally told me, at the age of 15. I was even asking my mun to put me on "Thousand Track Mind Pills", when I was 9, because I felt that she hated me having what she called, a one track mind. No wonder I had so many meltdowns, that summer.

Thank you for this, my DS is only 3 and wouldn't yet understand the message, I've been toggling what the right thing to do would be.

I haven't made any announcements of his dx (autism, he is presently non-verbal but I feel he will be talking) because I don't think everyone should know before he does, I feel like it's a very private matter. If he wants to be open with it I'm all for it, but I think it should be his decision. Some people have indicated that this isn't the right way to go about it, that I'm only keeping ASD a mystery, in the closet, hidden, but I just know once it's out it's OUT and I don't want to do any disservice to my precious son.

ETA---I don't want to tick anyone off here, I'm not trying to "hide" my son, I am relentlessly proud of him and show him off constantly, I AM concerned about how people will view him once they learn of his dx, and how he would view himself. Autism, I think, makes him interesting but other people might have something else in mind and treat him differently, and I don't want that. It drives me Kra-ZEE to hear people say "this is my wife rita and my autistic son johnny." At this point, I think that does little Johnny a disservice, it's not fair to tell people what to think of a child, let them judge Johnny on Johnny, not by his diagnosis announced by his parent and BEFORE his own name.

Most people think he's a late talker with hopelessly magnetic charm, and a face to die for. What happens when you take that cute little cocktail and douse everyone with "re-evaluate your thoughts on him, he's autistic." I may feel different in the future, but right now I don't see the point.

This is excellent advice.

My son will be 6 in 3 months and I think he is just starting to look at the other kids and think he is different. This is what I think, although I could be wrong. For those of you on the spectrum, when did you start to think things were different? I have told him about his autism and I think it's helped him, but he's still quite young. So I don't think he thinks "oh, I'm flapping my hands because I have autism". At 3 years old, he still looked cute and many of the mannerisms were not yet there but at 6 years old, I'm pretty sure other people think something is "up".

My son will be 5 in two weeks. He was diagnosed at 2.5, so I knew he would not understand then. At this point, he is becoming more and more verbal and I feel like I can actually talk to him on a little deeper level. Right now he does not seem to notice that he is different from other kids, so I am not sure when I should tell him.

As far as what to tell other people, this is how I have handled it. If we meet someone at the park or at the store or wherever, I don't automatically say "oh, by the way my son has autism." But, if I think I am going to get to know the person better or we are going to be around this person more than on a casual basis, then I will tell them. I don't really want to put a label on my son either, but at this point, if they are around my son for an extended period of time, they are going to know that he is different, and I don't want them to think that I have no idea why..........

What I do wonder about is if he is labeled at a young age, and then makes improvements and is able to function enough to be in regular classes, will that label stay with him?

analogia, I completely understand your feelings. And my son was exactly the same way - magnetic charm, everyone's favourite little guy.

But I can guarantee you, things will change as he gets older. They do for all kids, not just autistic ones. Everyone loves cute little 3 year olds, but when his different way of being clashes with neurotypicals, he is going to need to know why, and so are they.

If you imagine for example another 'different way of being' - for example, being born as a little person (also incorrectly called midgets) - not disabled, just different. Their difference is obvious visually, and they will have their differences understood and accommodated almost automatically as a result. Imagine if they weren't - if their teachers punished them for not being able to reach the desks, if the soccer coach and fellow players ostracized and benched them for not being able to keep up with the gameplay. If they couldn't find any friends because they got a reputation at school for being 'weird' since they couldn't do the things the other kids could, or did them differently.

You will inevitably run up against this as your son grows. And while most situations would be inappropriate to introduce my son as autistic, not all are. And most parents who openly share this info, don't do it in quite the blatant way you describe.

Autism is not a dirty little secret, and I have grown proud of my son's differences. If you treat it like something to hide and be ashamed of, so will he - and so will the rest of society. The consequences for your son will be devastating.

Angelbear, even if he can function in regular classes, which MANY aspies can, he will still always be socially very different from his peers. They will either label him weird, or autistic. Since there is something wrong with weird, and nothing wrong with autistic, I choose the autistic label for my son. I also feel that unless parents like us stand up and start being vocal and open and proud of our kids differences, they will continue to live in a world that doesn't understand them - and doesn't want to. It's up to us the be the change we want to see.

Maybe in some circles there's "something wrong with 'weird'" but where I come from it's a-ok, even desirable.

You seem like an intelligent person analogia, so I think you know what I mean.

I just want to chime in here that the original posters' advice was to tell your child. This is very good advice, and I'm sure every parent on this board will do so when and how they feel it is appropriate for their own special kid.

The conversation is diverging now into when (or if) to tell others. Others meaning people other than your child. This is a touchy subject as it is very depedant upon who, when, where, and why to inform others. Some school districts will better serve the childs' needs with an IEP that states AS, some it won't matter, and some very poor districts or teachers may demonstrate negative bias. In some situations it is very appropriate to tell others (when speaking with the mothers' of your kids friends or when discussing parenting techniques etc." Some situations are not appropriate for telling others (that random lady at the playground who you don't really like and whose kids your kid never bothers playing with, the impatient cashier at Target, etc).

Also, telling others depends upon the childs' wishes. Older kids may or may not feel comfortable with their mom discussing their business with their friends moms. Depending upon where a child is on the spectrum is another factor. Some kids are perfectly adept (if a bit shy or quirky) in many situations. Some kids are clearly not adept and may need that extra understanding from a 3rd party.

There is also a personal comfort level involved. Some people are very open and feel comfortable discussing their business with anyone. Other people may feel like their parenting styles and their childs needs are personal issues.

Sorry, I didn't mean to run off and rant like that.

Murrie and Angelbear,

I think that it's harder to know when to tell when your children are diagnosed at such young ages. Mine were 9, 11 and 9 when their psych workups were done and were already able to understand why the tests were done and what the results meant. There are many benefits to knowing earlier on, and I think my eldest son in particular would have been better off if we'd known earlier what was so different about him, but when it comes to picking the time to tell him it does make that one thing easier to find out later.

I think you guys will know the right time. Parents have great instincts about that. You might not tell them all at once, but just begin with some of their unique charactaristics as issues come up. As social issues come up you can explain why the other kids are acting the way they do, and why they don't, and so on. I think you'll know, and get it right.