Aspies adopting kids

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I am an aspie over 40 and single and I was thinking about adopting some kids. I was wondering if any single aspies out there have done that and if so, how did it work out.

I know that in some states its illegal for single people t adopt, but I live in Florida and its legal here.

Perhaps legal, but I was under the impression adopting children was difficult while single. anyway good luck.

I don't know anything about your background but I can say with some AS characteristics myself, I find being a parent even with a spouse is probably more difficult than for someone who has almost no AS traits. My traits are impatience, easily frustrated, squimish and less "touchy feely" than others. I would make sure to consider this. I used to think when I was impatient with kids "it would be much different with my own". Come to find it, it's different but still not at all easy. I still get easily annoyed, frustrated and lack patience. It's been a long hard road and I have to work hard to keep myself in check each day as challenges are presented by my kids (and yes, the challenges are daily, sometimes it seems every 5 minutes!) I'm not sure if that's what you were asking but I often think about people who have AS and reply to the parenting tips. I love getting their feedback but have to admit, I sometimes think "oh man, if you had kids, you may see this from a completely different angle!" In other words, when you are tired, overwhelmed, overloaded and then your kids demand 100% of your attention, even a saint would feel stretched to the limit - now put all that on someone who is limited in their ability to cope with pressure and ask them to "be a good parent" - not always possible.

LilliansMom, are your kids aspies or NTs?

I was looking at the state database for kids and their seems to be a mix. I don't think I could handle a totally autistic kid, but I think I might be an asset to an aspie or NT kid.

I have one NT and one Aspie. I had that same thought "if I could only raise "me" again, I would know exactly how to guide her" but turns out, with my limited patience the case was really the opposite. Let me say that I'm not diagnosed but can see that I have some Aspie traits - not as much as my daughter. If you are very patient and not easily frustrated then the case could be very different for you. For me, I feel a bit emotionally immature but I'm in the situation now and I'm not saying it's all bad, I love my 2 kids beyond all measure. When people say a marriage takes work - I had no idea how much work. With kids, it's the same thing, you get out what you put in and with my disposition, I guess I have to fight against my nature at all times.

Here's an example: We have a tendency to "hermit" in our house. That's OK by me but I do feel that we should get outside and breathe some fresh air once in a while. I might spend a lot of time and effort planning something for my Aspie daughter, something I feel would be fun for her as well as help her(even asking her for input on the choices). I pick and plan an activity I think for sure she'll like it because she's liked it before. I present it to her early and she rejects it outright. Then, I might spend more time talking her into it (let's say it's a trip to the beach or something I 'm sure she likes) because I've already committed to it with other people etc.. She then complains all the way there and all the way back. Has a meltdown at the beach etc.. Then when I'm all back at home, spending hours cleaning out the car, washing sand out of everything - shaking my head that I guess I should just let her rot in front of the PC all summer. Then, she says something like "because i didn't have any fun, can you give me $10 for a game online?" Right there, at that moment, my head explodes and lose all the control I had all day. Yes, I realize that when she rejected it, I should have said "Ok everyone, our trip is off." I realize she's probably got into a PC game that is so involved, no temptation can lure her away. The beach trip has basically been an obstacle between her and her game all day. But, the other kids, family etc.. would suffer because she's having an "episode" so I forge ahead. And, sometimes when nudged she does have a good time - so it's a tricky situation. Actually reasons like this is why I'm on this board. I have to remind myself every day, several times a day, that I have to stay calm and be on her side. Basically give up all of my self-centered thoughts and be her support and advocate.

Good luck with your decision - I wish many times someone would have taken me aside and told me how it will really be. So many other moms said things like it's the best thing in the world, you'll want more than one etc.. I'm sure they feel that way but there I was a few years later thinking "how on earth can they say that??" Just giving you a very real perspective as i wish someone would have done for me

Oh my God, yes. My son is mini-me, and though it helps me understand him in some ways, I have a very hard time being patient enough with him. And ironically enough, I think our similarities irritate him, just as I have always been irritated by the people who are most like me.

I am an NT mom married to a possible Aspie. Our 5 year old son is diagnosed as PDD_NOS with probable Asperger's. We married very late in life (I was 39, and he was 40). We were very blessed to have one child, but I have to say, he has been a lot of work, and sometimes he pushes us to the limit. He is pretty good most of the time, but he requires a lot of attention. My whole life I desired to be a mother of several children, but it just didn't turn out that way. We really tried to have another child, and we even filled out all of the paperwork to adopt an older child through the state. Throughout the whole process, I became a bit hesitant because I was concerned about how this was going to affect my husband----he really enjoys his downtime reading, watching tv, and he really likes the house to be as quiet as possible. My son is SO NOT QUIET! Anyway, I ended up changing my mind because I just felt that it would be too much of a strain on my husband and our marriage.

If you feel in your heart that this is what you want to do, then go for it, but just be aware that it will bring out the best and the worst of you! I absolutely adore my son, and for the most part, have a lot of patience with him. But sometimes, it is alot to handle!

Good luck!

I'm sorry I'm so late in replying. I've been dealing with some things but I think you ask an important question.

I don't know how the State of Florida will feel about an Aspie adopting a child. If you are willing to take a child of mixed race or one who has disabilities the odds of you getting one goes way up. There are a lot more people who want to adopt than there are children in need of homes, but most of those people only want healthy children and sometimes they can be very picky about race. Statistically black adoptive parents are the most likely to insist on a child who is only black, but white parents will also sometimes insist on a child who is only white. Children of mixed race are attractive to neither of those groups. I think the whole thing is ridiculous, but that's how it is. Still, a mixed race child stands a better chance of being adopted than a child with disabilities. Sets of siblings can also have a hard time getting adopted, but be careful with that as it can be hard to deal with multiple children.

How fit you are to be a parent is another matter. I don't think neurological status means you are a fit or unfit parent, and that goes for NTs as well. Being able to provide a stable home is important. Some Aspies struggle finding a stable job and I think that is something it's important to have, or at least a stable line of work to raise children. Some Aspies want to live in isolation and that can be hard on a child if they don't share that preference (and that can work the other way if the parent is very social and the child isn't). Some Aspies can be very rigid about some things and that can make it hard to raise children as they will push those buttons. NTs can be just as rigid, anti/overly social, or difficult to employ as any Aspie, so none of these issues are strictly about neurological status.

Parenting is extremely difficult. Parenting more than one child can also be very challenging as each child has different needs and that is time consuming. We've got three kids and four parents (divorced and remarried) and we are still struggling to do everything everybody needs. Kids don't need perfection and it's OK to not meet every need completely perfectly every time, but as a single guy thinking about adopting more than one child it's something to think seriously about.

Having a support network is really important. Sometimes you'll be sick or have other things happen and will need other people to help you. Who would you call if you needed someone to babysit or help during an illness? Who would you consult about parenting issues? If you've got other adults in your life who are good parents that is extremely helpful.

If you're interested in adopting I'd encourage you to read about child development and different disabilities and do a lot of soul searching. Volunteer at a camp (or other program) for kids with disabilities and get to know more about what it's like to be with different kinds of kids. Whatever kids you get won't be exactly like the ones you've known, but you should learn alot of helpful stuff.

I've had kids later in life as well. It is hard to keep up with little ones after 40, but you might get a calmer or easier child than the ones I have...but you can't count on it. One of the most active and energetic people I've ever known is in his 80s now and few young people can keep up with him, so age isn't a strict indicator of energy and ability to keep up with young kids.

I wish you luck.

Actually I think Im better with my Autie than with my Aspies and certainly with my NT's. My oldest daughter (20) is this strange overly social butterfly, I was put in very uncomfortable situations because I had to talk to her friends parents and things of this nature. My Aspies and I do get along and have a very deep understanding of each other but we also can annoy the heck out of each other. Its funny that your own behaviors when projected back at you can be so annoying and sometimes infuriating.
I understand my Autie and she responds to me better than anyone else.
I think Aspies can make great parents. We are not perfect but there is no perfect parent. I think Im so good with my kids because I am still so in touch with my childhood and can still feel those same feelings. The things Im not so good at is being the "bad guy" although after 5 kids Ive gotten better. Then I have problems with my older kids being embarrassed that I act like a big kid at times, out in public. .

Have you spent a lot of time with children?

Single parenting is hard. Do you have other people in the picture for support? Relatives, friends?

I don't see why being aspie should impede becoming a fantastic parent.

However, just thinking it would be a great idea without prior experience could be a total disaster for anyone.

I'm thinking that this could be exceptionally difficult for me simply because I am single and don't really have anyone that can help out when I need it. But yet, people do it all the time. Especially single moms. The aspie part is definitely scary. Anyhow, I definitely appreciate all the comments.