HELP..going through a divorce and my 3 year old is suffering

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Hi everyone, I was wondering if anyone knows of a book that has wonderful fact based info on Autism, it must be rather short and to the point. My soon 2 be ex-husband and myself have a 3 year old daughter, who has a PDD diagnosis, (I also have a 14 year old Autistic son), My ex is totally clueless and sort of in denial, I think. He is so set on our daughter being treated like a typical child, this includes punishment for "bad behaviors", eating habits, sleeping, just everything! I try to explain things to him, but he just more or less acts like I stupid and she is just a brat.. there have been a lot of comments from family and friends about them thinking that he does not even like her, like he is ashamed of her. He has always referred to her as the mommas girl.. since birth she has had an attachment to me and never wanted him.. this has been tolerable until we separated in December and she had to start doing visitations in February, she goes crazy and has major melt downs at the exchange and it is getting worse, he says she asks for me every 20 min. which also irritates him! But within the last month or so she has started having major meltdowns continuously for the whole week after she comes back home! I just do not know what to do, and now he wants to take the security of her nuk away from her at his house!! I am afraid this is going to cause a regression and not to mention the tole it is taking on her emotional well being! (and now her little 20 month old sister is starting to show major signs too!) Anyone out there gone through anything similar and have some suggestions for me! I do not like to see my little girl suffering this way, my heart is breaking for her!

I don't have any book suggestions, but do you really think a book would help? If your soon-to-be-ex doesn't believe that your daughter has ASD, it probably doesn't matter what a book says about kids with ASD and what they need - he won't think she's "one of those kids," even if they describe her. He'll find the ways she's different.

You will probably need to involve a child psychologist or psychiatrist who can sit down with you and your soon-to-be-ex, and explain to both of you what she needs, including consistency between your two households, and how the two of you need to work together in order to provide her with the security she requires, especially during this time of transition. She will explain the subtleties of the diagnosis, her need for structure, her need for comfort items, and her need for routine. Let someone else be the "heavy." Your soon-to-be-ex is not going to accept you as the expert, so get an expert to serve in that role. Sit back and let that person speak, and never say "that's what I was saying." There also might be some ideas that you hadn't thought of that the psychologist could help you with. If you approach it as something that the two of you need to work on together to help your daughter, rather than as something he is doing wrong, you are much more likely to gain his cooperation. No one likes to feel constantly attacked, and even if he's doing everything wrong, he doesn't want to hear it put to him that way. No one wakes up in the morning and says "I'm going to try to screw up my kid today." The two of you are going to be co-parents forever - try to get some help from an impartial third party to help you do it together as well as you can.

Hey thanks for the in put (and yeah, I, along with a couple of my family members have thought that my soon to be ex is asperges for a while, he is very intelligent when it comes to mathematical solutions anything black and white, but as far as the "gray areas" are concerned,,nothing. I myself am AD/HD and so the 2 of us together just did not mix..I live by emotion, which does not understand. And I also agree that :bad behaviors" are not to be tolerated once you know the child understand, what I do not believe in is teaching in the form of spanking. His idea is that if the child does something wrong you spank them and that is how they learn. I also have a 14 year old son who has a diagnosis of Autism-he is not my ex's. So I have been down this road before, granted both kids are completely different. And I do leave my daughter with other people, my sister adores her and so do my 2 nieces and grandmother, heck I left her with my step mom about a year ago and Sophia was an angel.. She just does not want to be with daddy, but daddy can be "scary" when he gets mad...Daddy just does not WANT to understand, he did not want me to put her into early child hood, (which she loves SOOO much),, one reason he gave, he didn't want her to show up at school on the "little bus" because someone would tease her! Hello she is 3, everyone thinks she is the cutest thing ever! And he thinks doctors are dumb and that they will say anything to make a buck so forget the counselor.. he would not even walk in the room. He does not believe in any kind of out side "interference" at all! That is why I was hoping someone knew of some short to the point book! In the past year my daughter has actually became loving and affectionate, she spontaneously tells me she loves me now too and I just do not want to loose that! But just so nobody thinks I have a spoiled princess... what he calls her "bad behaviors" are really her melt downs from sensory issues and over stimulation along with her "stemming". With the exception of "spiting her milk out and playing in it" she is very well behaved, she can not help the rest. Again Thank You!!

Well I don't think spanking should be completely off the table, but it should be reserved for repeated infractions when appropriate.

To control meltdowns, you have to understand where they come from. In many cases, they are caused by a change of some sort. It may seem insignificant to you, but may be the world to an aspie. Something like replacing an old bed pillow with a brand new one could cause a meltdown. Try to give plenty of warning before a necessary change.

If all else fails, put the child outside and tell her she has to stay there until she calms down. You should still keep an eye on her of course. Her bedroom is NOT a substitute for outside. They will usually scream for about 2 minutes, and then they calm down and are ready to come back inside.

In your case, they have meds for AD/HD that tend to work pretty well. But it does seem that you are attracted to aspies for some reason. Your first husband must have been the same way if your son is autistic too. Anyhow, it does sound like your husband has some learning to do. We aspies do tend to be stubborn about things. Unfortunately, sometimes when you put two aspies in the same room, its like throwing two cockfighting roosters in a pit. Your husband is one, your daughter is the other.

Maybe see if your husband would be willing to take an online aspie test. Here is the address:

Aspie Quiz http://www.rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php

This test is very accurate and may enlighten him. If it shows that he is an aspie, then hopefully he will learn how to better manage himself.

Oh my goodness, THANK YOU for the link! That is wonderful! And I am already on the highest dose of my AD/HD meds that I can be on! They use to work great, but not quite the same anymore. And one thing I am sure you are right about, My daughter has her fathers EXACT personality! His mother has told me lots of times that Sophia reminds her of her daddy when he was young. Just like Sophia has NEVER really wanted anything to do with her father, when he was a boy I guess every time someone tried to snuggle with him, he would scratch and bite them..yeah that is about the time I became suspicious! And thank you but the outside thing wold not work with Sophia..she ADORES the out side! And besides she is actually a pretty easy kid to read, Now that she is verbal, she pretty much tells me what her issues are..lately she has been screaming what her issues are. It is "bye-daddy", "no car, daddy" or "NO daddys"..so i pretty much have it narrowed down to..she does not want to go to daddys house. Maybe I am just dreaming wanting him to think these kids are as great and wonderful as I do! They are all so amazing in their own way! I wouldnt change them for anything and I just want him to feel that way too! But I really think you are right and that might not be possible, because mine is a emotional response to my children and his is a "logical" response maybe? And yeah, I think I have been "drawn" to (what do you call them?), aspie men! My sons father is very similar...Thank you again for your help!

Well, I would agree with others that your problem is unlikely to be solved by a book.

Your husband seems like an unsympathetic and uncaring person who puts his own demands and expectations first. Giving him a book to read is unlikely to change that. I grew up with a parent like that and trust me when I say there is nothing you can do about it. If a person doesn't want to change then you can't force change upon them. I would, however, point out that this is not caused by autism; but more so an intolerant and close minded personality. So don't worry, there is no reason that your daughter has to turn out the same way.

However, if you are looking for a book that may help you out a bit then I would suggest the one I am working on. Shameless self promotion aside, it may help somewhat. I doubt it will change anything with your husband, but it may help you. Just follow the link below:

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt128944.html

Also, if I were you, I would consider revising the child sharing agreement and taking full custody of your daughter. There is no reason that your daughter or your ex husband have to suffer with one another.

I second Tracker's book - I'm working my way through it and he has a lot of great perspective on what can help and what it's like to have AS.
I'm sorry you're going through this - it's difficult at best when you have both parents working together.
It's really tough to know exactly how to discipline a child with AS. If they are agitated, discipline is probably the last thing to do as they will generally escalate. My approach is to try and let the meltdown work itself out - within reason of course, everyone has to be safe. Once that's done, then we go through the "discipline" - and by that, I don't mean physical punishment. It really doesn't help, and IMO, it certainly doesn't teach. That's not to say that I haven't spanked before - I just haven't found it to be effective. By discipline, I mean teaching. Once my daughter has gotten to a place where we can discuss (and this may take a while), then we talk about the choices that she made, how she can make changes, what her actions have caused, etc. Above all, I try to get as much info out of her as possible - so that I can help determine the cause (loud noises, transition from one thing to another, anxiety/fear (this one is big for my daughter - if she's feeling anxious or afraid, she can go from calm to meltdown in a matter of minutes.
Welcome to Wrongplanet!

i doubt any book is going to do any good. if he is against the diagnosis, he certainly isnt going to be willing to sit down and read a book about it. books are great for those who love you and want to understand you, not so much for those who refuse to accept the diagnosis.

if you truly think he himself might be autistic, it could be great benefit for your daughter for him to realize that himself. you could try putting together a list of common autistic traits, and giving it to him or even better discussing it with him. you can tell him you just want him to watch for those behaviors in your daughter, let him know there is a genetic basis for autism and it tends to run in families and he should watch for those things in your younger daughter too. if he is a logical thinker like aspies are, he may see himself in those traits and investigate it further.

keep in mind, if he IS autistic, then his attitudes towards discipline and reactions to your daughter are going to be colored by that. if he responds to her meltdowns with anger, yelling, spanking, etc, it may be because his autism is causing him to react that way. basically, his senses are getting overloaded too, and he feels out of control and unable to deal. (my SO does that, its what i call his adult meltdown.) he may have very black and white thinking, like nuks are for babies and after X age children shouldnt use them. it can be impossible to change that kind of thinking.

if you are still in the legal divorce proceedings, you may want to look into mediation. a lot of legal districts have them available for divorcing couples, sometimes its even mandatory. that would be a good place to discuss behavioral and discipline issues. check with your local courthouse or the dept of human services in your county.

a lot of places will also require custody orders with your divorce order. see if you can get clauses put in there about agreeing on discipline methods, attending family counseling to learn methods for dealing with behavioral issues, etc. even if you dont need family counseling yourself, it would be a good way for you both to get on the same page in regards to dealing with your daughters issues.

for your daughter, it may be helpful to get her a little planner or print out this months calendar page and make it a visual schedule with pictures. a lot of autistics really respond well to schedules, and it may help her when shes at daddy's house. she could look at the schedule and see what day she is on and see when she goes home to mommy. you may have to teach her how to read a calendar, that each box is a day. you may have to explain to her what a day is, each new day is when you get up after sleeping. maybe give her a special marker to keep with the schedule and each night at bedtime she can X out the current day. it may put less stress on her father too if she isnt asking every 20 minutes when she gets to go home.

OMG, you guys are wonderful! I am so glad I found this site! You have all given me so great ideas, thank you. And Tracker as soon as I am done with finals tomorrow I am going to read your book!

I agree with azurecrayon, you really need to have family counseling included in your custody arrangements. I am certain you could get a doctor to agree with you (and testify to if need be) that it is in your daughter's best interest to have your soon to be ex accept your daughter's diagnosis and follow prescribed methods to deal with it (ie no spanking). I would go so far as to say that he should not be allowed visitation rights if he refuses to attend some type of counseling. This is your daughter's health and well being you are talking about. If visitation is putting her through so much stress it is definitely not good for her.

Do you all think I should be taking her to a psychiatrist? Do they see 3 year olds? My ASD son, 14 never went to one... and if so what kind, where do I start looking and what am I looking for in a psychiatrist?