AS mom having difficulty playing with son.

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Hello,

I am new to the discussions--this is the first thread I have started.

I have a wonderful, five-year-old son who (so far) seems very normal. The problem is, I don't know how to play with him. We play lots of board games and puzzles which draw on my own strengths (detail / pattern recognition, structured rules, strategy etc.), but he is very imaginative and often wants to play "pretend" with me. The problem is, I have a very good imagination in areas of my special interest, but I don't know how to imagine and develop scenarios which do not originate in my own thoughts. My boy gets very frustrated and angry with me when I cannot contribute much to his desired pretenses, or when I try to introduce some other element to hold my own interest.

I had this problem as a girl, too, and only played with those few children who could go along with my elaborately staged games built around my special interests.

Any advice to make playtime less stressful for both of us?

Thanks!

You'll need to take this with a grain of salt, because I'm not a parent nor do I have your problem.

The few times I play with kids, I tend to be laid-back and let them take the lead. I know they won't be interested in disabilities or human biology. I envision what they are describing in my head, and don't really contribute that much; I just go along with whatever they say.

Of course, he needs to interact with a variety of people, anyway. It could be that this just isn't your strong suit, and you need to have him rely on somebody else for imaginary play.

Maybe you could imitate a character (one that someone else has already imagined) that seems like they would fit into your son's imaginary games -- use some of their words and ideas? Perhaps you could do this by looking through children's books and movies....So if, for example, your son seemed to like pretend-games where you were pirates, you might look through children's stories (or watch some kids' shows) that are about pirates for ideas about what could happen in the pirate adventure, and what your character might do and say. The idea would be to either pick a specific character from the book(s)/show(s) or to create a sort of almagamation of a bunch of characters...or even just to have a repetoire of events or dialogue stored up to use, without having a character per se. (Substitute "superhero", "space-aliens", "explorers", "midieval knights", "dinosaurs", "bakers", "[whatever your son's imagination churns up most often]" in place of "pirates" as appropriate.)

Another suggestion is to try to explain to him that not everybody is as good as he is at playing "[his imaginary scenario]," and telling him that if you can't add a bit of the pretending that you're good at (i.e. some other element to hold your interest), you're going to need his help to get better at playing the game...i.e. that you'll do the best you can to get things right, but he might have to explain why things don't fit, and tell you a little bit more about how things work in the imaginary-scenario.

If your son watches cartoons and the like, watch them with him. Chances are, a lot of the scenarios he is making up are at least loosely based on things he has seen on tv, in movies, etc.

I am not good at pretend play either (and I don't even have AS). The only things I have found that helped are knowing where the play is coming from or asking the kids to direct me. Luckily for me, most of my kids' pretend play comes from Pokemon and since I do not know any of the characters, they have to pretty much give me step by step instructions.

There is something I learned as a parent, you don't need to play with your kids to be a good parent nor will it make you a bad parent if you don't. I would just let your child do what he wants you to do. Go with the flow, be his sheep (also take this as a grain of salt since I don't have an older child yet).

I have a hard time playing with my toddler and everyone says those are the tough years for the parent. All I can do is hold him or read to him or kiss him or blow kisses or have him climb on me and I think that is playing with him. I have played with his toys too with him showing him how to play with it. So I can play with him.

Thank you all so much for the tips! These are definitely things I can do. I have noticed that my son picks up scenarios from cartoons, and when I have watched the cartoons repeatedly (it takes several times before I am able to process them especially since the atypical sounds often adversely affect my senses) I am able to retain enough to follow his play.

It is funny you mention pirates, because ships feature in one of my own special interests so it is one thing we can easily play together, and he thinks it's cool that Mom knows all the parts of the ship! Last time he did pull down all the rigging off the toy ship, and it really frustrated me because of the disorganization factor... still trying to get all the pieces back in place...

However, it makes sense to approach his interests as "research," because I can get very good with almost anything if I am able to research it. And he is definitely my best Special Interest, so I have good motivation! I do enjoy watching him act out his imaginings without trying to participate, but since he wants my participation more often, I want to be able to offer this to him. You are right, though, I do tend to forget that it's not just on me to provide this kind of play--his father is very good at it! It's just that I don't want to "fail" him unnecessarily. And also, he's a lot of fun, I don't want to miss out! So thanks again for the help so far. I'm really glad I found this forum--lots of very insightful people here, I'm already feeling like I'm in good company!

[Moved from General Autism Discussion to Parents' Discussion]

I agree with League Girl, you don't have to be your son's sole playmate. You can play the things with him that don't cause you both frustration and set up playdates with other kiddos (I find one friend at a time is best for us) so he can have a peer to play more imaginary games with. You can still try to join in with his play sometimes but don't feel bad if that is not the best interaction with him.

Often when doing imaginative play with young children, there are some simple things you can do.

copy what they do: He makes the dog fly, so you make the cat fly.
ask questions? For example, Child - "Let's pretend they are at a circus" Mom - "ok, what do we see?" Child - "clowns" Mom - "they are funny (fakes laugh), what do we see next?" and so on... just follow the child's lead.
If they child is having trouble thinking of a place/theme then you can suggest "lets pretend they are at... a circus, the zoo, on Mars, at the mall" whatever you know your child likes.
Young children love silly, nonsensical imagination play. make the toy fly, tumble, do tricks, roll, jump really high, etc. then ask "what do they do next?"

Children around age 5 often love to pretend play to be grownups, so pretend clean house, pretend be a doctor, pretend be a teacher, pretend to be a mom/dad... Just add real life props, like a broom or a purse or mom/dad's shoes etc.

Hope that some of this is helpful.

I totally know what you mean. I'm the same. I have 2 girls (both pending assessment for AS though). I haven't played imaginary games with them, one time they asked me to play something I felt really awkward, and when I make up stories (as animalcracker suggested) I copy other famous story characters and just give them my own names! It's probably much harder for you because my girls have AS so they have rarely played with dolls (whenever they do it ends up with screaming because the characters don't get on - art imitating life!). I too play board games with them when they ask, but they also have their own little obsessions and imaginary world with their own characters in so it must be harder for you with an NT child.

Sorry I can't offer much advice. It's only recently I realised that I don't do the imaginary play myself, when I had a non-clinical AS assessment and I was asked. It had never occurred to me before - just like it had never occurred to me to do the imaginary play. It doesn't make you any sort of failure though, my girls have always been shown I love them, given them attention etc. and your child will mix with other children to fulfill that side of his developmental needs.

I remember using a lot of toy props with my kids at that age, so it was easier to pretend. My dd loved Hello Kitty so I bought a HK hand puppet, The Little Mermaid finger puppets, ds also liked the following ...toy pizza, toy birthday cake, a toy grocery cart, toy groceries, a toy tea set, toy dishes and pans, a small tent, stuffed animals. Ds, Dd, and I would host living room sleepovers, stuffed animal b-day parties, tea parties in the backyard and of course pizza parties. Yes, the house was a disaster and getting the tent back in the closet took a month. Wow, we sold most of the pretend toys at a yardsale last year....and I am feeling nostalgic now.

Also, clear MAGNA TILES are just AMAZING!! !! Wish I knew what they were back then! Ds (9) & Dd (11) love to play with them.

Here are some links so you know what I am talking about...

http://www.amazon.com/Melissa-Doug-167- ... B0000658L4
http://www.amazon.com/Melissa-Doug-Birt ... +doug+cake

http://www.amazon.com/Magna-Tiles-Clear ... +piece+set

I really want to thank everyone for the great advice. I've watched a number of my sons's favorite movies with him, and asked questions about the characters and made notes, so that when he wants to play "Cars" (Disney) or Imaginext I know who the characters are and what they are like. I've tried asking him what he would like for me to do or say when I can't think of what should come next, and he doesn't seem to mind telling me. But when he wants to play pretend and I don't feel that I have the energy / patience, I suggest other things, such as a board game, a puzzle, etc. (The magnetic tiles ARE fun--we discovered them at our children's museum.) And I am also finding that role-playing appeals to him: for example, "We are police / airplane pilots / astronauts / chefs / etc. What do we do when we go to work?" In this way he can learn about different careers that are of interest to him, and if I get stuck I can always look in a book.

Also, I've been scheduling regular play dates for him with his friends. This is a bit hard since I don't always know how to interact with the other moms, and sometimes I don't even want to be around them, but it does help my son to play with his friends. I'm still afraid sometimes that the other moms won't want their kids to play with him when they see how odd and awkward his mommy is! Since my husband has an easier time, he has been going to some of the social events instead, so that we can get to know the other parents without all the social pressure falling on me.

Thanks for the links--a big help since Christmas is coming and I was in need of some ideas that we all can enjoy together!

One thing that my son and I really do well together is art. Because I have been teaching art at a local college, I've been able to take him into the studio to do sculpture, printmaking, etc. This has really saved me because he loves learning how to make things, and it involves processes with which I am very familiar, so there are fewer variables for me to contend with. I'm hoping that the time we spend that way will be memorable enough to outweigh some of the frustration and fights when I haven't been able to play other things to his satisfaction.