New Parent Confession & Concern for 10 yr Old Daughter

Post Reply New Topic

I'm relatively new here (I lost my old account info a long time ago). I'm here to learn more about my wonderful 10 year old daughter. I'm also here to find a place to "confess" that I haven't been the best mom to her. Where to start. I love her dearly and can hardly stand to be away from her more than 24 hours. Since she was born a little early (5 weeks) she's been "different" from the first moments of life - was very particular how we held her, rigid, had trouble bonding with us, sensitive, VERY sensitive. Her sister was born just 16 months after she was and wow, I had no idea how "easy" she was in comparison. I know I shouldn't compare but it's natural to do so.

The baby years were rough but I think I did an OK job being a mom. Sleep deprivation took it's toll but I did try to think of the kids first, their needs and well-being. The really rough patch started when she hit 2. I have to say, I started to seriously lose my temper with her. I had no idea what ASP was and always thought that spoiling defiant kids only make them worse (my thought "I refuse to have the bratty kid"). As she went through 3 and 4, nothing got any better. By 4.5, I took her to a psychologist who diagnosed her with OCD. He was a really bad doctor, long story short, said almost nothing to me about helping her, just was there to complete the paperwork. So life goes on and I started the horrible habit of "spanking" her when she starting to become rigid or meltdown. The sad thing is that it "snapped" her out of it but was like a vicious cycle. Every time she melted down, my anger intensified. I would smack her way too hard, then feel horrible, cry and try to explain to her why I got so mad - sometimes getting mad all over again while reliving the frustration. I'm so ashamed that I couldn't see how awful I was behaving. I tried to confide in some friends, too afraid that if I got professional help, they would take her away. One friend suggested that it was addicting, almost like when lovers fight so they can make up - that didn't sound 100% right but did strike a chord. I never caused any permanent physical damage that I know of (I could be wrong), but mentally, I'm sure she was a mess.

I finally managed to get control over my anger, I guess out of love and guilt. I said "no more" several times and over the years, managed to stop. All during this time, I always did my best to participate in her life, in school (so many issues and meltdowns), friends (I practically had to make her friends for her - still do). I just so deeply regret all the many times I flew off the handle and just let myself rage on and on. I still have anger issues but even have learned to control yelling or being sarcastic - I'm actually learning to say "that makes me angry because..." and low and behold, it usually helps if she fully understands the situation. She actually says "Ohhhhh" like "I get it". My other daughter, yes, makes me angry but with her, I've managed to control myself just fine, only a few times in her entire life that she was spanked around age 5 or 6. There is something about my older daughter that just digs in deep and triggers me to go ballistic - or did, I hope that's all in the past now.

I know I can't really make up for the damage I caused, I think about it every day, I try not to but it surfaces a lot. I've arranged for a job to work at home so I can pick them up from school and participate more in their life. Now, she is starting puberty and actually seems way more adjusted and "normal" for her age than before. She's a little bit social, huge sense of humor, affectionate, and rarely melts down. She's still sensitive, hardly eats anything I would call "food", and a little rigid in her ways. I will probably be posting more about her upcoming transition into jr. high, her eating habits and more. For now, I wanted to introduce myself and I guess in a selfish way, unload some of incredible weight I feel.

Thanks for listening (reading).

OK, for starters let me say that I have no children, so I cannot speak as a parent, but I can speak as one who has had to deal with AS for 65 years. It may be hard for you to be a parent, but remember that it is just as difficult, or even more so, to live as an AS person in an NT dominated world. My parents never understood why I was always so different and why I had so many difficulties growing up. Meltdowns, unusual obsessions, relationship problems, food issues, etc., etc. School was a living hell. A constant nightmare from morning 'til night. In hindsight, I wish I could have been home schooled. That is one of my recommendations for you to consider. Public schools (in US) are the worst means to an education and a social hell, but that's another story.

And as for the so called "mental health professionals", I personally have only disgust for the whole lot of them, as a result of my personal experiences with a number of them. (BTW I am opposed to ALL drugs utilized for altering a persons mental state, and this especially applies to drugging children! And such practices as a frontal lobotomy and ECT are right out of the dark ages!)

So what can I offer as support? Well, as I said home school is one suggestion. Another is to try to understand the causes for meltdowns and try to avoid situations that might trigger them. Also, I found that communication was a problem for me, especially when I wanted to pursue something that was not approved of by my parents. I do not mean dangerous things, but rather things that do not fit within their world view and personal belief system. For example, investigating other religions, or other political viewpoints. Support for your daughter's interests is very important, as is taking the time to try to explain to her how and why other people are the way they are. (I'm still working on this one for myself )

Please do not be too hard on yourself WRT dealing with your daughter. It's hard to deal with us ASPIE's I know. Hopefully, this forum will be able to give you some good support and ideas. And please feel free to contact me if there is anything I can do to help. I'm willing to just sit and listen, whatever helps.

There is a sappy saying, "today is the first day of the rest of your life." Well, it is. I have quilt over certain mistakes I made in the past, as well, and I don't see how we have much choice but to learn from them and move forward. If you have specific questions and things you are trying to understand about your daughter, we are happy to help.

I know that your post did not defend your spanking. I just feel compelled to share some things from my own experience that might help. My daughter was also different from the very beginning. She was fearful of people and yet fearless with herself-jumping off jungle gyms with wild abandon. She would have hours and hours at a time where she would cry and scream and be inconsolable. She still has these but not for as long as she did. I would get very frustrated and upset and feel as though I needed to disciple her to show her that the behavior was unacceptable. I've spanked her I will admit. Most of the time I was authoritative and stern and thought that she would change. This only made her more fearful.

The day I received her diagnosis was a life changing moment. There are many here that will say a dx isn't that important but for a parent it is very important. I was able to see in the data my daughter's differences-how she thought about, felt, and perceived things differently. I was very depressed when I saw how low her adaptive abilities and executive functioning was. It took me awhile to come out of it. But I realized that she can't be "conditioned". She can't be changed. Nothing I do, no reaction of discipline will change the way she perceives things. This realization took away my anger at her behavior and made me try to understand where she is coming from. This helped me change her environment in ways that would help prevent her discomfort, which helped stop the behavior.

In extreme behavior now I react in ways that most "normal" parents would never do with their "normal" children. I give her space to have her feelings and get over it on her own. By me removing myself from the situation (and not trying to change it) it helps me and her calm down faster. I also think of what she may be feeling or how scared she must be and that makes me feel empathy instead of anger. I know it is hard to do this out in public and that is why we only have very short times in public. Especially not in "danger" areas like pizza places, or chaotic gatherings of people.

It would help you to focus on her challenges so that you can build that empathy. I hope this doesn't come off as preaching. I can definitely relate to your feelings of anger-I have experienced them too. Welcome to this site.

I was spanked a lot, and it made me a very fearful child. I was always afraid of screwing up, so I'd behave out of fear, instead of love, because of the spankings that I was getting. Every time that I see a mother spank her crying child in public, I shake up inside, and than I start crying, myself. Those memories are horrible, and I have dreams about them, sometimes. Not very fun stuff. All that I can say, is that I'm glad that I'm not a little kid, anymore. I don't want to go through all the spankings, again.

Thank you all for your support and advice. I find I get much less frustrated the more I come here and read the posts from parents and those with AS (and both). I don't want to really let myself off the hook entirely, I know I can't spend a lot of time drowning in guilt but I want to own up to it to make sure i keep myself in check in the future. Again, I really appreciate the input!

Hello and Welcome to Wrong Planet!
My little boy is almost 5, and was diagnosed when he was 2.5-----We are still trying to figure things out with him. Overall, he is a very sweet loving boy, but lately (and it may be a good thing) he is asserting himself more and becoming a bit more agressive. He is starting to show a few more obsessive behaviors. I have never hit him or spanked him, but I have lost my temper and yelled at him many times. It is so hard, because I love this little boy more than anything in the world, and most of the time, he is a good boy. But, some days, it seems like he is just doing everything he can to push all of my buttons and get reactions out of me, and I just feel this rage build up inside of me like I have never felt in my life. I am so uncomfortable with these feelings, because they are just not like me. I have never hurt him, but sometimes, I really have to take a break and get out and just be on my own for a little bit to regroup.

It is definitely a challenge to raise an AS child. Now that you know what you are dealing with, maybe things will get a little easier. Glad you found WP.......

You sound like you have taken full responsibility for the mistakes you've made - and you aren't downplaying them. You are acknowledging that they were serious, awful, damaging. You are making no excuses. And I think when you say you don't want to let yourself off the hook too much - you are being VERY wise.

I hope you find lots of support and useful perspectives here, I know I do

I would like to state that the way my brain works(which could be the same for your daughter) is that if she understands your reasoning behind doing what you did she will forgive you for it later when she is able. I wasn't just spanked for my outbursts/metldowns but my parents had other things going on and didn't know I was different so I don't hold what they did in the past against them. I now have a fairly decent relationship with my father. (where I can talk to him if he talks about soccer)

Thanks again for your honest input, I need to hear that to keep myself in check. We had a family gathering yesterday and she got a little out of line with her uncle who is a retired army captain. She likes to play with him and kept taking his cap off which he didn't think was funny the first time and told her very directly not to do it again. We all chimed in and said, that's enough, he doesn't like that, don't do it again. But, she must have thought he would play with her somehow and she did it again. He chased her down to get the cap back and really got in her face with "No means no!" and kind of pushed her a bit. Great. He's pretty close to her, and it wasn't a mean push but a kind of "hold" on her arm like "I meant it!" In most people's understanding of discipline, either your kid behaves or you are "letting them get away with it". I have to admit that really really digs deep because I have a pet peeve about bratty defiant kids. I used to see that from friends kids and think "If that were MY kid, they would not act like that, ever." So, now I'm on the other side of the fence and realize that she probably had little capacity to truly judge where to draw the line and thought for sure he would play with her if she tried enough times. I should have stepped in and told her that although he played like that in the past, I can tell he's only going to get angry with you if you do it again, but I was distracted by conversation and only caught the last bit really clearly.

I explained to her uncle what we think is going on with her and how even if someone giggles or she was able to rough house in the past, it contributed to her thinking it was ok to keep trying this time. He apologized and said that if he were a parent, he'd either be a really great parent or in jail by now. I had to laugh because I have to say, there is often a thin line between the two at times. I think he was too put off by her (and some bad family news) to bring himself to apologize to her so I went and told her that he was sorry about it and that he still loves her - we all love her.

I feel like I did the right thing but in the back of my mind, I feel like her new discipline style is "a kid who can do no wrong" - in trying to "understand her and reason with her" I wonder if she'll do what many kids do when their parents don't discipline them - run wild. I've had those kids at my house who don't listen to me or adhere to my house rules and I can't wait till they go home. Her relatives love her and have asked her over for a few days to experience some great things like a ranch, playing videos on a big screen (of course her favorite) and other fun summer and holiday activities. After just 1 or 2 days, I will pick up my kids and get comments like "oh my god, we had no idea" and "god help you when the teenage years hit".

I really hope our diagnosis will help everyone see that she's not doing all this on purpose and we can all learn the best methods to prepare her for the real word.

Thanks again for listening!



Thanks!

If you are worried that your parenting style is either too lenient or too overbearing, then check out some of the books in the sticky above. I empathize. Before kids I didn't own a T.V. and I totally believed I would be the parent who would never have their kids watching T.V. My daughter, for whatever reason, seems to learn social skills best from T.V. (I'm not saying all kids do, but it certainly is what works for her.) I am slowly working my way towards understanding the "best" way to parent my own child. Everyone's child is unique, so whatever works for your kid. Good job letting the uncle know what was up!

Having AS doesn't make someone a difficult child. Some people are just more difficult than others. My two older children have AS and ADHD. The eldest has been very difficult to raise, from the start. His Aspie brother is completely different, he was always such an easy baby. Some Aspies are so easy to handle that their needs go unmet because nobody really notices that something is wrong. My middle son never mentioned that he was lonely and struggling with social stuff, and because he is so easy, gets good grades, he just got passed over. Now I know and I'm working on it.

You talk about spanking and going ballistic. To me those are two radically different things. Spanking is something done to help guide a child and keep them safe. It's done in moderation and only when other methods have failed. For instance, if you've got a toddler who is just desperate to play in traffic, can't handle time outs, won't stay on a leash or allow other safety measures, and won't listen to reason, a few firm pats on the bum might get them to take your warnings more seriously. To me, that's spanking. Going ballistic is out of control, done in anger, and more along the lines of beating a child and has very little to do with the best interest of the child. It's about the parents feelings of frustration.

If you're going ballistic in that way I think you should make some time for yourself and see a counselor. It sounds like you're under a lot of pressure and have a lot to cope with and could use some help finding better coping methods. You deserve some time to yourself to relax and take care of your own needs and a councelor can help you find a way to do that so that you aren't so stressed you are likely to loose control.

We all loose our temper, and do things we wish we hadn't. Children are pretty resiliant and can bounce back. No parent is perfect, yet somehow kids do survive and usually turn out pretty well. I think the important thing is that you get to the bottom of what's going on with you and move forward.

We are dealing with these issues as well. Lately my son has been acting out more than he ever did before. He is almost 5. I posted in another thread about how he has been hitting at me for various reasons, and no matter how many times or how firmly we tell him no, he just doesn't get it.

The other thing he has been doing, and this has been going on for months and was an issue at school too. He has verbal outbursts and loves to get really loud and clap his hands ( I definitely think it is some form of self stimming, but no one has been able to figure out what we can give him to replace it) It is a problem at school because it is disruptive to other kids, and also it distracts him from learning. When I am at home with him, it bothers me to some degree, but I just tell him "no" you are too loud and then just block it out. I tell him that loud noises like this bother people and sometimes it scares them when you just scream or yell out of the blue. At first I thought he had Tourette's, but he totally has control over these outbursts. He also does it a lot when my husband comes home from work, and we are trying to discuss things about the day. We cannot have a conversation when he is in the room because he starts up with all of his antics.

Well, my husband has reached the end of his rope. I think my husband has some Aspie traits himself, and he gets to a breaking point where he cannot take it. Yesterday, he kept telling my son to be quiet, and no matter how many times he told him to stop, he did not listen. Finally, my husband said you are going to your room, then my son got upset and ran over and started hitting at me because he was angry, and he just doesn't know how to express his anger any other way.

Well, then after my son went to bed, we had a long conversation, and my husband now thinks that most of my son's problems are due to the fact that he (my husband) has not been a strong enough disciplinarian. He thinks that we have been too lenient on him and that we are just letting him do whatever he wants. He now says that my son is going to be put to bed every night early if he cannot stop the outbursting and clapping.

I do appreciate the fact that my husband wants to step up his role as disciplinarian, but I can't believe that he thinks that this is going to solve all of the problems. That is the thing that frustrates me to no end. My husband loves to read and will spend hours reading, but has never once read a book on Aspergers'! !! It drives me crazy! I have to tell him that there are reasons beyond our sons control that he is acting the way he is, but my husband doesn't get it. He thinks that we can just discipline him harder and all of this will be corrected. I told him that the teachers at school have been trying to get him to stop this for 2 yrs, and they haven't been able to, so how are we going to get him to stop?

Sorry for such a long post, but I am just at my wit's end. My husband is a good father, but why can't he accept that our son is different. He was with me at the developmental pediatrician's office when the doctor told us he was on the spectrum, and he sat in on the school meeting 2 yrs later when the school did their own testing and it came back as AS and ADHD!! !! I don't want to undermine my husband in his role as father, but how can I get him to understand?

Sorry, I just had to vent!