Advice needed! New here!

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I'm in the process of having my 4 year old screened. I waited a long time after I had little red flags going off in my head, thinking, oh he'll grow out of it. He's making eye contact that's ok. I finally found out about a bunch of other things that relate to being AS. He was afraid of the vacuum or white noise from the time he was a newborn (fear doesn't develop until 3 months), he has a lovey from the time he was 5 months old that he still has to have. He sucks his thumb and strokes a certain spot on his head when he's trying to calm down. At 18 months he lost what little speach he had. A year later I got the idea to see where he was on knowing the words and found out he knew a lot more words than I gave him credit for when I asked him to show me where something was in a book. Shortly after that he made more of an effort to use words, and he doesn't speak clearly, but he has a good vocabulary now right after turning 4. He will rage and tantrum worse than other kids, he is still a runner, and he can't hear you when he gets like this, he will get violent towards myself and his little brother, (these are reasons that made me want to look for a dx and figure out what to do with him) He doesn't like his hair getting wet, he will run and lock his door if we turn on the hair clippers to cut his hair (it's getting rather long), and he really doesn't like getting it brushed. He will get distracted mid conversation and go into his own little world. when he's "zoning" it's like he can't hear anyone. I have found results with the tantrums by cutting out food dyes, msg, and limiting hfcs where I can. We tried going gluten/ casien free with no results. He has a very high pain tolerance (he would just look at you when he got shots, and spanking him does no good as he just looks at you unless you hit hard), he used to run into the front door over and over again when overstimulated and anxious, and bash his head repeatedly on the floor when he was tantruming. Topics of interest have been basically anything motorized with a strong lean towards construction equipment. Last summer he couldn't tell you any shapes or colors besides triangles, but he could name and describe each piece of construction equipment. Right now he is overtired and running back and forth in the house. My son is normal, except for when he's doing one of these things. He's social, he makes eye contact with those he's comfortable with ect.

A friend of mine online (only kind I have lol) pointed me in the direction of a fairly accurate test for Aspergers' and I took it for myself when I had someone ask if I was AS. There was a list of all my weird quirky behavior and I wondered if someone had been following me with a camera. I scored very highly on the test, so here I am. I was an adult until I could manage being around a vacuum being on, or static tv. I would rage and hurt people until I was an adult, throwing things. I could hear random background noise, like a phone being off the hook in another room, or some small sound in the background when talking on the phone. I am uncomfortable around people IRL and just don't know how to manage well. I can't hear what someone is saying if the fan is on, I zone a lot, I have a few topics of interest though I can't stay on focus with them after I tire of them. I was able to play all instruments in band, learn songs by tone as well as having lots of theory under my belt as well, I memorized the marching band shows within an hour of getting the music. I taught myself japanese, have been an anime freak for well over 12 years, I am tandem nursing my 2 1/2 year old and my newborn, and know enough about breastfeeding to be a peer counselor at our local wic office, and I know enough about birth and midwifery where I recently had an unassisted birth with my youngest child. I get frustrated and hit when my train of thought is disrupted, and while I get obsessive about my interest topics, after a while those topics change. I wish I could focus so I could hold down a career path and stick to it. My boys overstimulate me and I have meltdowns regulary and with my son being worse than I am/was, and me not knowing what to do with him, it gives me problems. I don't like being touched unless it's on my terms, I can't keep friends irl, my husband has to tell me when I'm being rude because I honestly don't know when I am. My son and I both repeat ourselves over and over and over again. My own father won't speak to me because when I met him and spent time with him for the first time when I was a teenager I hurt his feelings when I wouldn't let him hug me, and I couldn't do kisses or be affectionate. I can only be affectionate with romantic partners and my children.

So anyway, some help with my son and myself because I get urges to hit my kids when I get overstimulated myself would help.

I really honestly could use some advice please! I've learned a lot just reading, but I'd love some feedback!

Hi NinjaMomma, let us know how your sons screening goes.

Yes it does sound like you are AS. Maybe if you could considered being screened yourself if there is any extra help available to you if you do have AS.

"some help with my son and myself because I get urges to hit my kids when I get overstimulated myself would help."

Its best to distance yourself from the child if you are feeling like you are about to do that. i never thought i'd lay into my child esp a wee one but one day due to the pressure suddenly blew completely up and really laid into her, it was lucky i didnt severely injure or kill her. The whole incident scared me (i never had thought i was capable of exploding to that degree of attacking a young child).

After that occurred.. i KNEW that i could never allow such a thing to happen ever again so used to remove myself from such a situation if i was reaching that stress point. That did mean that I ended up abandoning my children at school and just going away for a few days to get away from them. (abandonment is better than a dead child).

Just do whatever you need to do to keep your kids safe ... if you are reaching the level where you may loose it esp if you are an Aspie and may not realise just how much you could loose control.

I myself have only just recently been diagnosed with the Asperger's at 39yrs old. With this comes the realisation that that is also what was wrong with my child and why she would never behave like other children and would play up so much.

It can be really challenging to be an AS parent parent raising a child, because the child's needs can run headlong into your own sensory sensitivities.

The first thing to remember is that structuring a world to meet your needs isn't going to automatically deprive your kids - ie, you don't have to take them to loud places if that is stressful for you, and so on. They need a happy and calm mom more than they need to be exposed to everything the world has to offer.

The second thing to consider is that sometimes mommy can be sent into time out, or can ask to spend a "few minutes alone to gather myself." Make sure the kids are in a safe location, and then separate yourself while you self-calm. Hopefully, a few minutes will do the trick. If you need more, you may need to have some back up childcare. Again, kids needs a happy and calm mom more than they need your constant and undivided attention, no matter how persistent they are in asking for it.

Sometimes you will have to make an emotionally difficult choice. I remember when my friend, the ultimate attachment parenting mom, made the decision to "ferberize" her second child. She was exhausted to the point of complete breakdown, and actually felt guilty telling us she had dared to even read that book. But it turned out that child was the perfect candidate, and the sleep issues were resolved within 30 minutes in a single night. She did what she had to do. Far more important than being the "perfect" mom, was simply to be one awake enough to be a safe mom. Your child depends on you taking care of yourself, too, and that is something you shouldn't forget when faced with tough choices for the kids.

So ... I don't know how much of that you already do, but any mom who is tandem nursing probably has set some pretty high standards for herself, and perhaps a good place to start is relaxing a few just to make some more time for self-care. The best way to keep yourself from losing it with the kids is to take care of yourself on a regular basis, to follow self-calming routines, and make sure your own needs are getting met, too.

Oh, and my trick for dealing with the witching hour when my second was an infant? Dark room, computer screen, very comfy computer chair, boppee cushion, rocking and nursing my inconsolable little one while I turned all my attention to my chat friends. My baby learned to love the sound of the keys

What I manage to do when we are at home, is I have a tall baby gate that takes my 4 year old some work to open (he unscrews the pressure mounting enough so he can stick something in the latch and sort of "pick" the lock), or climb over. When I need that time, I let them have free range of the house since all the breakable/dangerous stuff is in the kitchen anyway. I go in there with my laptop and the wee baby as she isn't very difficult yet, and a sling makes it where I can sit and nurse one handed easier.

We have no help or support in this town except for my mil who is senile, and doesn't respect "my" issues when she's here or my way or parenting. I get really upset when someone messes with how I have things set up and she likes to "clean" I come home or come into the room and get really upset when she's moved my stuff around. I tell her I have my mess right where I like it (not messy, just my kitchen table can get cluttered with paperwork and books, and I get upset if I have to look for said paperwork) She doesn't understand any of it and is pretty much illiterate and wouldn't understand what she was readin anyway.

With that said, I have made some progress from reading these posts in here. I am very proud to say I diffused a tantrum from my 4 year old by asking if I could brush his hair, got him to sit with me and brush his hair according to how hard or soft he wanted it (sort of pressure therapy I suppose), and I asked him to teach me about trains because I don't know much about them. I got him engrossed in telling me about all the parts of the train and what they do that he forgot about going outside to play. First time I've diffused a tantrum without a meltdown from either one of us and for me, anyway, that's a big deal. I usually tantrum when he gets going and it's just a really bad thing because when I need alone time, he follows me or stands at the gate and goes on and one and it fuels my anxiety. Things are a lot better for me after I realized that I don't suck as a mom, that I have my own issues, I'm not weird, I'm not quirky, I don't have problems hearing, and can explain it better since I have links that describe my issues better than I can verbalize. I'm still hoping my son can make some friends when he starts school and possibly have some playdates one on one (dunno how well that will work since he prefers playing with older kids like I did/still do as most of the people I enjoy interacting with are 10 years older than me, and my only friend in my town is my 88 year old neighbor)

Every other weekend it seems, especially after a difficult week, when I feel myself getting to that point (and yes I have done some bad bad things before I got it under control a little better, like throwing a hairbrush at my then 2 1/2 year old. I cry thinking about it, but it felt almost like a seizure. I couldn't control it and it was like slow motion when the hairbrush flew while I said ohshit! Hit him in the back and left a bruise. I was ashamed of myself and still am.) I ask my husband when he gets home from work to take them outside or to the park or something, or on a weekend I have asked him to not work that extra overtime because I'm getting to that point and i need some quiet time. It scares me to have to tell my husband when I'm having an urge and that I need his help so I don't act on it. I'm able to recognize it for what it is now though, so maybe self awareness is half the battle? My 4 year old was tantruming and setting me off and I was crying and staring at a can of collard greens. I saw myself in my head sling the can, so I turned away from it and opened the laptop and tried to change my focus, then told my husband that it was dangerous for the 4 year old to be in the house around me at the moment. I think this is a turning point though, the more I read. I try to "fix" things and knowing the rational reason behind why I do something helps me to not do it, if that makes sense.

As far as the AP parenting and everything it's not that bad. The wee baby is the easy one. She sleeps through the night and I am connected to her better than I am the other kids and she can tell me what she needs. I attribute that to doing all my own prenatal care, and having an undisturbed labor and birth (my husband just sat in the room and watched without saying anything as per my wishes). I have trouble nursing my 2 1/2 year old since the latch feels different, it can sometimes start sensory issues that are uncomfortable for another mom, but painful to me. So long as he listens to me when I tell him to get off of me and let me regroup for a minute all is well. I do get touched out when he wants to nurse more than the baby does though. I do feel like I'm neglecting my kids when I have days where I need lots of alone time and I hide on the laptop (it really really really helps me not get overwhelmed by the noise as I'm very sensitive to loud noise. If I'm distracted by the computer I can still hear when there's something wrong going on, but their normal loudness turns into static for me and makes me a happier mom)

Ninja Mom- Wow! I have to commend you because you have a lot on your plate! I am an NT parent with one AS 5 yr old boy, and I was getting overwhelmed myself reading your posts! I am so glad that you found WP, and hopefully, you will get much needed support here. The main thing that stood out to me from your posts, is that maybe you are taking on too much by continuing to breastfeed your 2.5 yr. old. Please don't take offense to this, as I firmly believe in breastfeeding. I breastfed my son until he was 13 mos old, and I couldn't be more grateful for having that opportunity. I am just saying, that it may be adding to your stress. Of course, you know yourself best, and maybe it is not that stressful for you-----Just a thought!

BTW, it does sound very possible that your 4 yr old has AS. I would go ahead with the assessment process so that you can get him the help that he needs to be able to cope better. Hopefully, since you feel that you have it yourself, then maybe you will have a better insight into how to care for him.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

hi first just to say well done on diffusing of that tantrum, the way you did that sounds really good and you took on board that advice , no easy thing i often find. I have to say when i read you were breastfeeding the 2 year old I also thought wow, thats a lot of extra stress, and while I'm very aware of what a personal choice this is , and ultimately no ones business but yours, I also couldnt help thinking surely less stress if you let that one go.
But great you've found w planet, as I myself have only recently. Im an nt (single) mom to an daughter with aspergers only recently diagnosed, so it all feels new to me too. Great to have this forum for support! All the best.

It's not as stressful as one would think to nurse an older child. It gives me a easy fix for tantrums as he only fusses when tired. Puts him right out, and he's down to naptime and bedtime mostly. I night weaned when I was pregnant.