Helping NT sibs of ASD kids understand diagnosis

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This topic has probably come up before but I looked and didn't find anything specific. Since I'm still a little new here, forgive me if I am covering ground that has already been discussed.

One of our difficulties at home is trying to get our NT 6 yo son to understand his 4 yo ASD brother's condition. At 6, the words "Your brother has autism" aren't really making an impact on him. I have had discussions with him (the 6 yo) and remind him often that he needs to use his words with his brother and not do things that set little guy off like yanking a toy out of his hands. I am obviously not communicating these things in a way that are getting through to him because he continues to do the things that make little brother angry. Once little brother is mad, it is very difficult to resolve a problem without me picking little brother up and removing him from the room. This usually means I'm the one who gets kicked in the shins (not really intentionally just as part of the general thrashing around) as I try to extricate little brother from the situation.

I feel bad because it seems like the 6 yo gets the short end of the stick A LOT and I want to help him understand so everyone gets to spend more time in a conflict free household! Any thoughts or experience anyone can share would be most appreciated.

i have a 4 yr old autistic son and a 6 yr old NT son too, and we go through the same issues at our house.

i think ive mentioned this in another thread a while back, but we maintain a basic rule of "dont poke the bear." its just not smart to poke a bear with a stick. that means you dont intentionally do something that you know is a trigger and will set off someone else. in our house, that commonly comes down to taking toys out of someone elses hands, changing the tv (channel or input) when someone else is watching or playing a game, poking, repeatedly copying what someone says, etc.

for the most part, it works decently. we also have a 13 yr old son, and my SO is autistic too, so the rule applies to everyone in the house equally, not just kids. it keeps things from escalating too far. we dont tend to interfere in the general brotherly ribbing, but if it goes past a certain point where one party is going beyond annoyed to upset, a simple reminder to not poke the bear gets the message across.

i actually just sat down yesterday with my 6 yr old and talked to him again about his brother. he knows his little brother has autism. i mainly just explain that it means his brain works differently than most people, that he doesnt always understand how to do things or what he is and isnt suppose to do, and he doesnt understand what things can be dangerous. it also means he doesnt realize the things he does can hurt people, and if that happens he doesnt mean to hurt his brother, its just an accident.

i think its also important for the sibs to know that it isnt always going to be like this. the behaviors we see at 4 arent always permanent, the asd sib is going to grow up, it just may take a little longer to get there.

im afraid thats all ive got. our son was just diagnosed a few months ago, so autism specific stuff is still new to us. the bear rule weve had in place a couple years just because it was so obvious something was different in our youngest and weve made accommodations his entire life for his behaviors.

I also grew up with special needs siblings. I think that if the six-year-old feels like he gets the short end of the stick, it's important that he also gets some special time with you.
Sometimes siblings of kids with special needs are jealous. Sometimes the jealousy is directed at feeling that the special needs sibling gets more alone time from mom or dad, or that the sibling is in some way favored. Say the four-year-old hurts the older sibling, even unintentionally. The six-year-old might not understand this, so he may see the 4-year-old as just getting away with things.
I think that taking the older sibling out for quality time with you (without the autistic sibling) might lessen the perception that he's being treated in some way unfairly.

Hope it helps.

I think Chris' idea is good. Can there be a special time/tradition that's just for the two of you?

We do need to make a more concerted effort to schedule special time with our NT son. Maybe if we do this in conjunction with more discussion of how his brother is different it will help. Both boys are really impulsive so it is hard. Little spats turn ugly very quickly and I find myself at a loss for doling out any discipline to either one of them after someone (usually our NT son) has gotten hit, kicked or bitten.

azurecrayon, that's a good point about how it won't always be like this. I don't think I've ever explained to our NT son that his brother is delayed in some areas and that he will catch up eventually. I've learned to have different expectations for our ASD son but I don't think I've put it in those terms for our NT son.

Thanks for the thoughts!

I found this video sometime back when I was looking into Asperger's syndrome and I found the brother to be surprisingly insightful. I don't know if it'll help any. The two brothers seem to enjoy playing computer games together, and the younger brother can also appreciate his older brother's Asperger's syndrome at times.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oOKAjJDw ... re=related

SteamPowerDev, thanks for that link. Its really good to see that little boy obviously doesn't have bad feelings towards his brother, especially that he doesn't feel that his AS brother gets more attention.

Unfortunately a child of six is going to behave...well...childishly. They will get it eventually.

We have similar issues with our NT 12 year old, an Apsie 10 year old and a NT 7 year old. The 12 year old is getting into those teasing teenage years, and the 7 year old just knows how to push buttons to get her way. Either way, I think we are going to be in the situation for a while. On a plus note, he seems to deal with things much better these days.

Best of luck!